Mealtimes take over 2 hours in my house

[WeLikeFoodJustSlowly]

DD is 6, going into year 2.

At school she gets 20 minutes to eat and only manages about half of what she is given.

If I time her and take the plate away after say 30 minutes she’ll have eaten 1-2 mouthfuls. I did it before and she ate hardly anything and lost weight.

We have no TV, no toys, no talking at the table. She takes ages. With those things she takes even longer.

Bribery doesn’t work; she just shrugs and isn’t bothered. I’ve tried punishing her for not eating enough/quick enough and she just stops eating if I do that. I’ve even tried “If you eat your food quick enough we can go and do x” X being something she really enjoys (like go to the park or swimming or visiting a friend).

Changing the time we eat, swapping the main meal to lunchtime and changing where we eat to have no distractions hasn’t helped.

The only possible way to speed it up is to feed her. But then I can’t eat myself at the same time.

We’ve seen a dietician who discharged us because DD does eat a good variety albeit incredibly slowly (she loves fruit and most vegetables, and will eat foods with different textures examples she will eat spaghetti Bolognese with bits in). Smaller portions don’t help.

The dietician did think that DD just doesn’t enjoy food in the same other people do. He suggested ignoring her completely once I’d finished my food, it improved things but not by loads (probably knocked 10 minutes off the overall time). He also suggested not mentioning food to DD unless she asks about it. She never asks about it and we never talk about it.

I am fed up of spending hours and hours trying to get her to eat each day. School were pretty worried about it before the lockdown as by the middle of Reception most children have learnt how to eat enough in the time given. When School left her to eat she was still sat eating when the bell rang for afternoon lessons and she still had over half a plate of food left.

I am asking for any tips to speed her up? Mealtimes seem to be the bane of my life and with it being the holidays seems the perfect time to tackle it.

@minipie

Agree about getting anything physical checked for especially given speech history.

Otherwise: have you tried putting the tv on? Ordinarily I wouldn’t suggest this, but in her case wonder if watching tv plus a bowlful of “spoonable” food (pasta, risotto, cheesy mash - nothing that needs cutting) might mean she thinks about it less and unconsciously eats more. Of course, it may have the opposite effect if she just stares at the tv, but it might be worth a try.

When I’ve had the tv on in the past for her to eat it just slows her down even more

What does she like to eat? Some kids don't like wet food or food touching and texture can really put them off food.

Has she ever voiced why she eats slowly? I know she doesn’t ask for food but has she mentioned that she’s slower than others at home and school?

@Mrsjayy

What does she like to eat? Some kids don't like wet food or food touching and texture can really put them off food.

She doesn’t ever say she doesn’t like something I have to work it out from her expression, but she’s not overly fussy she eats most things. She seems to really like mash potato and gravy. I’ve reassured her she can always say she doesn’t like something and she’ll never get in trouble but she doesn’t tell me.

@Choice4567

Has she ever voiced why she eats slowly? I know she doesn’t ask for food but has she mentioned that she’s slower than others at home and school?

Not really, she doesn’t seem bothered. I think because it’s just me and her at home she’s not noticed and the way school do the sittings means she’s eating with the rest of her key stage/year group and not the much younger or older children has meant she’s not noticed

Does she drink enough water? Is she doing enough exercise?

Join some Facebook groups about ARFID or look up FBI ARFID. Approaches are developing. I would probably get your daughter interested in problem solving it. Maybe with someone from school involved. Say, you need to eat the full amount so we won't limit eating time, but what tips can we find that speed you up? Have an exciting reward chart, get her involved in making it, but only aim for a step when she wants to. So, eating an easy food five minutes quicker, earns xyz. Then the next step when she is ready. Or eating a meal within an episode of her favourite show.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Does she drink enough water? Is she doing enough exercise?

She drinks a normal amount about a litre a day more if it’s hot and slightly less if it’s rainy but usually around a lite which I’ve been told is a normal amount for her age.

In none covid times we walk to and from school (just over 0.5m), swim twice a week sometimes more and walk as much as we can. She loves running round and school say she runs round on the playground at play and lunchtimes.

You and your DD are my (reincarnated) Mum and me. I remember it in excruciating detail. Mealtimes were torture for both of us as she begged bribed and cajoled and I refused to eat. This was constant until age 8. (my mother was a very good cook).
It was resolved by a short stay {without parents) at her sisters very busy house where there were 3 meals a day, one menu for all, and I could take it or leave it. Nobody at the table noticed remarked or cared if I ate or not. When everybody else had finished eating the table was cleared and if I was sitting there refusing to eat, my plate went too. If I missed a meal there was nothing till the next. In about two or three days, I just started eating everything quite normally and never looked back.

If that’s the case then she’s fine. Some people just take longer to eat. I wouldn’t really make a big deal of it - just let her get on with things and you can work around her.

I was like this as a kid! Not fussy, but very very slow. I would still be finishing my packed lunch (small sandwich & club bar) when the bell went for end of playtime.

I've no idea what I was doing that made me so slow. I think I was just a bit "away with the fairies" and daydreaming.

Now as an adult, I eat too fast! I don't have any issues with food and am still not fussy. Sorry not to know the answer, as it sounds incredibly frustrating. I feel bad for my parents, looking back :)

I was like this as a child and am still a slow eater, takes me an hour to eat a meal. 20 minutes feels very rushed.
Punishments, bribery and cajoling had the opposite effect on me as a child, it made things worse...I can't quite describe it but I had a sort of mental block about eating and needed to "work up" to each bite, even if I liked the food and was hungry.
Not sure what to suggest to make it better other than just leave her to it and don't make a big deal, you can always get up and do other things while she eats. Some people are just slow eaters. Or she may grow out of it.

There’s a lot in her early history - anxiety, parental separation (so some big changes for her presumably), food issues.

Second the recommendation for referral to psychologist. Some play therapy to explore some of the anxiety might be beneficial

@WeLikeFoodJustSlowly

I felt really moved to reply as this was me as a small girl. It was awful. I never got to play with my friends at lunch because I was made to eat all of a monster packed lunch. I struggled to co-ordinate my knife and fork. Mealtimes turned into a complete misery. In the end I learned to bolt my food, which unfortunately I still do.

Left to myself, I would probably have eaten less than the adults wanted me to but as much as I needed, and then skipped off to play.

Give her time, she may well grow out of it, and give her higher calorie versions of the food so that if she eats a small amount it doesn't matter.

Going against the grain here but my dd was like this and I used to feed her. She'd eat a few mouthfuls and I'd add a few extra on to keep her going. I really got to know what she liked and disliked especially gravy and Sauces and no mixing on the fork. When she was about 10 we were at a friends house and the grandmother said why on earth are you feeding that child and she (and me) were a bit embarrassed and we gradually stopped doing it. My dd always had weight issues and dietary needs from very early we were a team and I had her back.

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

I am afraid I would be strict. I have 4 children and 2 or them were very slow at finishing their dinner for a short time. I gave them a time limit of half an hour and told them with the clock on the cooker, and then took their dinner away and put it in the fridge. They could come back and eat it later, one more chance of say 10 minutes, then it was binned and nothing else to eat. I also didn't allow fussiness with food (one is autistic and whilst there were fussy periods with all of them to varying degrees, I didn't rise to it). I think many children manipulate their parents with food. I am a hard arse!

OP please don't take this approach I was exactly the same as your DD - a very slow eater and not fussed about food. Once my brother and sister had finished eating, parents and siblings would leave the table and my mother would put a timer on. If I hadn't finished eating once the timer went off, she'd throw the food in the bin and that'd be it for the day.

I remember sitting crying on my own at the table trying to force in more mouthfuls for when my mother came back. I hated it.

My mother used to heap food on plates (she was a large woman) and it totally put me off. She's left me and my sister both with food issues - my sister has always struggled with her weight, can't get portions right and feels compelled to finish every plate no matter how full.

Conversely, I NEVER clear a plate. I used to think I just stoped eating when I was full, but my DP has pointed out that no matter how much is on my plate I always leave at least a couple of mouthfuls. I've always been slim, and cannot bear the feeling of being full.

I am just a picker. I'd rather graze all day than eat a meal. I know that would be disruptive with your DD because you want meals as a family. But I would honestly suggest letting her eat as much as she wants in one setting then leaving her to graze.

I normally totally understand why parents say no dessert until meals are finished to stop kids filling up on rubbish without properly eating. But it needed be rubbish. Leave her to graze on hummus and veg, fruit, toast or whatever she'll eat as the evening goes on.

Your attitude seems lovely so I'm sure she'll grow out of it. In my experience punishing a child (which I know has never been your intention!) over eating patterns creates much bigger life long problems with food

Surprised no one has mentioned Asperger's or autism yet - speech problems, struggling with change and issues around food are pretty solid early indicators. It would definitely be worth reading up about children with Asperger's and thinking if this could describe your DD. It affects girls too, just not in the same ways as boys so can be less obvious - they may make friends more easily by being taken under an older girl's wing for instance, or just seem "shy" to teachers.

If it was an autism spectrum thing there are specific ways of coping and improving behaviours that you can learn. Things like telling "social stories" with picture books and cards to help with tough transitions, or putting a schedule up so the child can anticipate what's happening that day and be a bit less anxious.

You're doing the right things by trying to investigate and gently help your DD through this. You sound like a lovely parent.