Mealtimes take over 2 hours in my house

[WeLikeFoodJustSlowly]

DD is 6, going into year 2.

At school she gets 20 minutes to eat and only manages about half of what she is given.

If I time her and take the plate away after say 30 minutes she’ll have eaten 1-2 mouthfuls. I did it before and she ate hardly anything and lost weight.

We have no TV, no toys, no talking at the table. She takes ages. With those things she takes even longer.

Bribery doesn’t work; she just shrugs and isn’t bothered. I’ve tried punishing her for not eating enough/quick enough and she just stops eating if I do that. I’ve even tried “If you eat your food quick enough we can go and do x” X being something she really enjoys (like go to the park or swimming or visiting a friend).

Changing the time we eat, swapping the main meal to lunchtime and changing where we eat to have no distractions hasn’t helped.

The only possible way to speed it up is to feed her. But then I can’t eat myself at the same time.

We’ve seen a dietician who discharged us because DD does eat a good variety albeit incredibly slowly (she loves fruit and most vegetables, and will eat foods with different textures examples she will eat spaghetti Bolognese with bits in). Smaller portions don’t help.

The dietician did think that DD just doesn’t enjoy food in the same other people do. He suggested ignoring her completely once I’d finished my food, it improved things but not by loads (probably knocked 10 minutes off the overall time). He also suggested not mentioning food to DD unless she asks about it. She never asks about it and we never talk about it.

I am fed up of spending hours and hours trying to get her to eat each day. School were pretty worried about it before the lockdown as by the middle of Reception most children have learnt how to eat enough in the time given. When School left her to eat she was still sat eating when the bell rang for afternoon lessons and she still had over half a plate of food left.

I am asking for any tips to speed her up? Mealtimes seem to be the bane of my life and with it being the holidays seems the perfect time to tackle it.

but when I timed her meals to half an hour she stopped eating altogether and dropped down to 0.4th.

Again, for a child with anxiety putting this pressure on her will only make it worse.
I know you are stressed and trying your best.

Put the plate in front of her and walk off?

I mean, it sounds dickish, but it also sounds like she's enjoying the attention.

Time it early, serve, and leave the room. Have a read, whatever, make it 'you' time. The more you enjoy it, the more likely she is to eat quicker and get back to joining in with you again.

I would put the radio on, eat your meal leisurely and then clear up and let her carry on.

Have you had her teeth checked recently? One of mine has very badly positioned teeth and it turns out his teeth cut into his gum when he eats. I asked why he didn't tell us (we've often told him off for not eating nickel etc) and he thought it was normal because it's always been like that. He now has a brace and I hope in a couple of years it will be sorted.

I'd give her the plate let her eat what she wants set an appropriate time limit for dinner then ask her if she has finished and take it away no faffing and going back and forward for a graze. You need to remove her control over food and try and relax about it.

My Dd was like this I remember how stressful it was the dithering Is excruciating but if they are anxious drawing attention to it really makes it worse.

@TwilightPeace

There is an underlying issue here which is her anxiety. What is causing it? When did it start? Is she a generally happy child?

You need to sort the anxiety instead of stressing so much about her eating, as that will only make her anxiety worse.

She’s eating enough. She’s not underweight or ill or lethargic?

Eating in silence sounds miserable, enough to put anyone off their food. Would you sit with her on the sofa to eat meals, watching something she likes? Talk to her and laugh....maybe she won’t eat more but at least she will feel relaxed.

Are you an anxious person yourself?

She’s generally happy, school say she’s happy there and has friends.

She gets upset and anxious over going to school and will stall trying to get ready by needing the toilet or saying she’s tired but once she’s actually through the gates and sees her teachers and friends she’s fine. She gets anxious about time off school too saying she doesn’t want to get told for having the day off. She gets upset about going to her dads but again has a great time once she’s there.

Anxiety started just before she left her Nursery to go to school. She’s always been a slow eater but has got worse since she started school.

I have a bit of this and did as a kid and am very thin even now as an adult and eat like a bird. I have ARFID, a type of eating disorder that it doesn't sound like your daughter necessarily has but it makes me chew very slowly as my mind and tongue are processing the different textures. I also can't overeat even a small amount or I throw up.
I'd just leave her to it, up the calories in meals and after an hour, clear the plate. Nutritional supplements or meals might be the only answer here.

Life in your house sounds awful. Dinner time is a great time to catch up and chat about everyone’s day, not to mention that she’ll be distracted from what she’s eating if people are chatting. No wonder she doesn’t want to eat if you all have to sit there in silence with you watching her like a hawk. You punish her for not eating enough, or not eating fast enough. Poor girl.

I would be concentrating your efforts on helping her manage/accepting her anxiety.

That it's ok to have these worries and talk to them about her and do critical thinking. "Oh what would happen if you missed school", "you think you would get told off! Oh how would that be?"

Getting her to talk about it and talk through what may/may not happen should lower her anxiety.

First look for physical things like teeth or chewing problems. Then can you try and just take the stress out of eating - maybe put a box full of nutritious foods for her to pick out and eat through out the day. Scrap the whole meal time and timing things etc.

I know this advice wont be popular but my son attends a special school where and a lot of the children find eating hard due to anxiety (they all have anxiety for different reasons as thats part of the admission critera) and basically many of us had to throw away the concept of normal mealtimes for a bit. You just sit and eat normally and hopefully she will chose something and eat it with you.

My husband is similar in that he isn’t fussed by food. He can happily go all day with a small snack and then a small meal for tea. Could you maybe just leave heathy snacks portioned in tuppawares in the fridge for her to graze on throughout the day and then make an evening meal together and sit to eat it. Maybe she finds sitting down three times a day a bit too boring, and a chore especially if she isn’t enjoying the food.

Does she have problems with her tonsils and adenoids? My ds was painfully slow eating till he had them out.

I'm in my 50's, have always been like this since a young child, I'm a picker and don't like too much food in my mouth. I've always choked easily, not sure whether that's anything to do with it but I like to chew food really well I just accept it for what it is and if people say god you eat slow I just say yes I do. My parents left me to it as a child.

I have one of these - also 6 and about to go into year 2. She can take an hour to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. It's mind numbing.

However I'm not worried because I was the same as a child - just not interested in food and a very slow eater. I'm a normal sized adult who eats at normal speed (a bit fast if anything). My eating sped up when I started finding cold food really unappealing.

What's her eating like at her dads?

She does sound anxious. The worry about going to school and dad etc. Lots of anxiety can be about what will happen and be fine once you do it.

I was also going to say what Random did about high calorie drinks. She needs to get her body and brain craving food. Once you've not really eaten enough your body stops wanting it.

Bit of a harsh comment from coldspringharbour I’d totally ditch the not talking. Just chat away even if it makes it slower. And then when it gets time that you have to do something else, just tell her you have to get on and leave her to it. I’d just not mention eating again. Or speed. Or any of it. I can imagine it’s a bit of pressure for her especially if she has anxiety anyway sometimes. And then make sure she has enough snacks. Rice cakes don’t have loads of calories but maybe add peanut butter or something. And maybe some cheese and apple rather than just fruit. And then also get the tonsils checked like other people said.

I’d get a referral for speech and Lang therapist to assess chewing and swallowing.

How is she at her Dads?

It sounds like she has anxiety around transitions. It might help her if you give her a written view/plan of her day, so she can check what’s going to happen. Tell her what’s coming up and reassure her.

Does she like being fed? I’d discuss that with the therapist should you decide to go down that route, it might be significant.

I’d also consider getting her something small to eat with, an egg spoon, a cake fork or even a pair of children’s chopsticks. Put the food on a big plate, give her a small plate and let her put small amounts onto it.

Could there be a physical issue? Some speech therapists gave specialisms in eating and swallowing. Perhaps it would be a good idea to rule that out first?

Sorry, cross posted with Fanthorpe.

How about audio books while she’s eating? I found it excruciating trying to sit and make small talk with my DD when it was just me and her. Audio books saved us on the days where I had nothing to say!

@Fanthorpe

I’d get a referral for speech and Lang therapist to assess chewing and swallowing.

How is she at her Dads?

It sounds like she has anxiety around transitions. It might help her if you give her a written view/plan of her day, so she can check what’s going to happen. Tell her what’s coming up and reassure her.

Does she like being fed? I’d discuss that with the therapist should you decide to go down that route, it might be significant.

I’d also consider getting her something small to eat with, an egg spoon, a cake fork or even a pair of children’s chopsticks. Put the food on a big plate, give her a small plate and let her put small amounts onto it.

ExH says she’s slow there eating too. Behaviour wise she’s the same as here I.e a bit cheeky and sometimes grumpy but mostly happy and loves being there once she gets there, never asks to come home when I speak to her on the phone etc.

She does like being fed yes I think that’s part of it.

I will add here I have stopped punishing her for eating slowly/not eating, dietician initially thought it was a control thing so told me to set boundaries and treat it as bad behaviour when I realised it wasn’t working I stopped and she’s not been punished since.

I'd seek a referral to psychology rather than the dieticians, not least because the advice to punish your dd was poor (and it's good that you stopped that quickly :) ).

I think you have to try things to know if they work, don’t you. The cajoling could have worked but it doesn’t. Same with punishment. It’s what we’re all doing all the time, trying different approaches and then changing them if they don’t work. SALT referral sounds good. However, I knew a guy who ate slowly. 90 mins for each meal. He hated it coz his food always went cold. But he’d always done it and just could not eat faster. So once anything medical has been ruled out it might just be one of those things that you both have to live with.

Agree about getting anything physical checked for especially given speech history.

Otherwise: have you tried putting the tv on? Ordinarily I wouldn’t suggest this, but in her case wonder if watching tv plus a bowlful of “spoonable” food (pasta, risotto, cheesy mash - nothing that needs cutting) might mean she thinks about it less and unconsciously eats more. Of course, it may have the opposite effect if she just stares at the tv, but it might be worth a try.