Mealtimes take over 2 hours in my house

[WeLikeFoodJustSlowly]

DD is 6, going into year 2.

At school she gets 20 minutes to eat and only manages about half of what she is given.

If I time her and take the plate away after say 30 minutes she’ll have eaten 1-2 mouthfuls. I did it before and she ate hardly anything and lost weight.

We have no TV, no toys, no talking at the table. She takes ages. With those things she takes even longer.

Bribery doesn’t work; she just shrugs and isn’t bothered. I’ve tried punishing her for not eating enough/quick enough and she just stops eating if I do that. I’ve even tried “If you eat your food quick enough we can go and do x” X being something she really enjoys (like go to the park or swimming or visiting a friend).

Changing the time we eat, swapping the main meal to lunchtime and changing where we eat to have no distractions hasn’t helped.

The only possible way to speed it up is to feed her. But then I can’t eat myself at the same time.

We’ve seen a dietician who discharged us because DD does eat a good variety albeit incredibly slowly (she loves fruit and most vegetables, and will eat foods with different textures examples she will eat spaghetti Bolognese with bits in). Smaller portions don’t help.

The dietician did think that DD just doesn’t enjoy food in the same other people do. He suggested ignoring her completely once I’d finished my food, it improved things but not by loads (probably knocked 10 minutes off the overall time). He also suggested not mentioning food to DD unless she asks about it. She never asks about it and we never talk about it.

I am fed up of spending hours and hours trying to get her to eat each day. School were pretty worried about it before the lockdown as by the middle of Reception most children have learnt how to eat enough in the time given. When School left her to eat she was still sat eating when the bell rang for afternoon lessons and she still had over half a plate of food left.

I am asking for any tips to speed her up? Mealtimes seem to be the bane of my life and with it being the holidays seems the perfect time to tackle it.

I think you’ve taken a minor, common issue and turned it into a serious problem. So she’s a bit slow with eating. She’s eating enough, has enough variety and from the sounds of things isn’t the slightest bit fussy. Yet you’ve dragged her through specialists, given her a list of slightly draconian sounding rules and started using bribery and punishment tactics for something she can’t really help. My eldest dd was like this (so was I when I was little). It didn’t bother me though. I just figured she wasn’t going to let herself starve. If we ran out of time for school/an activity or whatever, then we ran out of time. I’d just pack some fruit/cereal bars in case she got hungry. At home I wouldn’t worry about a time limit. She could take as long as she wanted until she finished. She soon grew out of it

I am afraid I would be strict. I have 4 children and 2 or them were very slow at finishing their dinner for a short time. I gave them a time limit of half an hour and told them with the clock on the cooker, and then took their dinner away and put it in the fridge. They could come back and eat it later, one more chance of say 10 minutes, then it was binned and nothing else to eat. I also didn't allow fussiness with food (one is autistic and whilst there were fussy periods with all of them to varying degrees, I didn't rise to it). I think many children manipulate their parents with food. I am a hard arse!

The no talking at the table seems really odd (I see that's the advice you been given though)

Does she have to eat in silence? Does everyone have to eat in silence?

I have one like this too. Her weight dropped from 75th centile to the 3rd centile (which was borderline underweight for her height) whilst at primary school.
Her appetite has noticeably improved now she's hit teenage years and had a bit of a growth spurt, but still slow and picky.

I agree with people saying take the pressure off btw. Just let her take her time if she needs it. For school she might find packed lunches easier for her to eat quickier, and you can pack something small but high calorie that she has more chance of being able to finish.

My DD8 is also a very slow eater, she has a healthy diet as loves fruit and veg, likes carbs, meat and fish but is quite picky as she doesn't like them together e.g in Spaghetti Bolognese. She has always had a very small appetite, was born on the 9th centile and last year was 3rd centile weight, 14th height. We have encouraged and nagged over the years but I have come to the conclusion she is just slow, she can't help it and now we don't hassle her as all it does is become stressful for everyone. Instead we try and do things to help like: very easy packed lunches, give a high calorie snack for break and finish leftovers on the walk home from school; she often starts her dinner 10mins before everyone- as bits are ready- then it's not so obvious she is taking so much longer; we use the time when the rest of us are finished to do something like learn times tables, read aloud, play a game and she just carries on eating; if we are eating at friends I make sure she has a tiny portion and warn mums at parties/playdates that it's fine if she doesn't eat much. She's very healthy so my aim is that she enjoys meals- it is really frustrating sometimes though!!

I work in a school and we have several children who do this. Each mouthful is eaten very slowly and then they wait for another couple of minutes before they move on to the next mouthful.

I haven't yet found a way to speed them up so no advice there I'm afraid, but I just wanted to (hopefully!) reassure you that your DD is by no means alone in doing this.

DS stopped having (lovely) meals at school, because he simply could not eat fast enough. He still - at 18 - needs at least 1 hour to clear his plate (his own cooking) . He just eats very slowly and finds that we others race through our meals like mad.

Would she eat a packet of crisps or an ice cream etc at the speed another child would, or is it the same slow eating with goodies?

If you're worried about calorie intake I'd consider foods that are calorie dense per mouthful - chocolate, cheese, nuts

If she's a healthy weight and eats a varied diet- albeit not as much as other kids her age then I would try and relax.

If everyone else is finished and get down from the table will she stay and continue to eat her food?

@iMatter

The no talking at the table seems really odd (I see that's the advice you been given though)

Does she have to eat in silence? Does everyone have to eat in silence?

Sorry didn’t make it clear in my OP it’s just me and her at home so yes everyone eats in silence. I am going to stop that now I think the dietician thought she was dawdling and distracted.

@taranaki

Would she eat a packet of crisps or an ice cream etc at the speed another child would, or is it the same slow eating with goodies?

If you're worried about calorie intake I'd consider foods that are calorie dense per mouthful - chocolate, cheese, nuts

An icecream would melt before she’d finished it so assume not. Crisps seem to take ages to eat but I haven’t timed her I try not to with snacks.

Can you not let her eat in front of the tv or in her room for a week/let her decide where she'd like to eat. You may find she has anxieties eating especially recently as it's been made into such a big deal

Has she always been like this or is it new?

As a child I had huge anxieties around food (and still do now as an adult) to the point that I couldn’t swallow. I would take ages chewing at things as I just couldn’t bring myself to swallow them.

@Snailsetssail

Has she always been like this or is it new?

As a child I had huge anxieties around food (and still do now as an adult) to the point that I couldn’t swallow. I would take ages chewing at things as I just couldn’t bring myself to swallow them.

She’s always been slow but it’s got worse since she went to school, I think because they have “sittings” of key stages at schools so they can get them all through in an hour whereas at her private nursery she could take as long as she needed to eat

I would actually give her high calorie drinks/smoothies.

I suspect there is something going on physically but the lack of hunger may be because her body is used to not having enough calories?

Has she had the special calories food supplements?

I'd check teeth with the dentist
Speech therapist as they have wide knowledge
But then I'd stop discussing it, have a last conversation where you say you would like mealtimes to be shorter but it's important that she eats enough to have enough energy for school/ running/ swimming etc. So when you've cleared up mealtime is done.
I'd stop all snacks, don't make a big deal of it, just be out and forget anything etc.
I'd do serve yourself food, sandwiches in the middle, small sized so she has a sense of accomplishment. Bowl of pasta salad in the middle so she gets her own, hopefully she'll ask for seconds etc.
I'd leave pudding out of the equation for now unless she eats really well.
As hard as it is children rarely go hungry so if she's got no physical problems give her the chance to relax about it.

She's not a big snacker, she never asks for food or says she's hungry. If I give her a snack she eats it but I try and limit it to twice a day (morning and afternoon) usually things like fruit or rice cakes.

Not sure if this is a helpful thought but at 6 mine did not have snacks at all. I wonder whether it might be useful to try no snacks and see if that helps? If you have a small appetite I guess rice cakes or fruit can still fill you up?

Also try a picnic with lots of tiny food, teddy bear tea party etc

Also, how is her weight

I was like this as a child. My parents never put any pressure on me to eat faster, they just said that they were leaving the table now as I take too long and they’d get on with things. I would probably be there another hour or so finishing, I didn’t mind. I can’t remember what happened at school, although I do remember being the last eating often. I never felt stressed to eat faster which was maybe a good thing and I grew out of it by secondary school, although I am still a bit slow compared to most. I also had no reason to be slow, it was just how I ate! I liked to chew a lot and would just daydream between mouthfuls. So it might just be something similar with your dd and she’ll grow out of it. Can you try leaving the table in a relaxed ‘it’s fine to take your time but I’m getting on with things now’ way.

An icecream would melt before she’d finished it so assume not

No I think that is quite normal at her age. Most smaller kids don't get through their ice-creams before they end up all over their hand in my experience! perhaps it is worth watching others eat ice-creams and other junk food and then see whether your daughter really is that different with those foods? May help to clarify the nature of the problem! BTW, I had another friend whose kids would take ages to eat the veggie lasagne she made (she made it a lot). She gave it to me once when I came round and much as I love a good veggie lasagna, this one was rank. Large lumps of bitter and barely cooked aubergine in a totally tasteless sauce. I struggled to get through it. Is there any food she eats quickly?

@forrestgreen

Also, how is her weight

Weight is fine 9th centile which is where she’s always been (born on 25th but dropped and has stayed on 9th) but when I timed her meals to half an hour she stopped eating altogether and dropped down to 0.4th.

I have one of these ds would take hours to eat was bordering on underweight and got a failure to thrive referral they discharged him saying to make sure everything is calorific make sure he had the same meals as us but add things like cheese to his. I found the more I made it an issue the worse it was ds was 7 when his brother was born and became so thin but wouldn’t talk about it. He is now just 10 and has just started eating me out of house and home the breakthrough was focusing on food being fuel as he doesn’t enjoy food like we do but he understands now he needs it if he wants to have the energy to do things he wants - good luck it’s hard, frustrating and frightening at times x x

There is an underlying issue here which is her anxiety. What is causing it? When did it start? Is she a generally happy child?

You need to sort the anxiety instead of stressing so much about her eating, as that will only make her anxiety worse.

She’s eating enough. She’s not underweight or ill or lethargic?

Eating in silence sounds miserable, enough to put anyone off their food. Would you sit with her on the sofa to eat meals, watching something she likes? Talk to her and laugh....maybe she won’t eat more but at least she will feel relaxed.

Are you an anxious person yourself?