If your parents are 80ish, do they have fulfilling lives?

[Duvetstay]

Just wanted to get a view on experiences of having 80ish year old parents as mine had me very late in life so all my friends parents are much younger so I can't work out what's "normal".

My parents are both 80. They're taking lockdown really hard but to be honest their life was pretty limited anyway. They would only go on holiday to a cottage 1hr away where they go every year. They have endless minor health issues that I can never get to the bottom of... Headaches, aches and pains, can't sleep etc. These seem to come and go but there's always something.

I dread speaking to them as it's all negative. They're tell me they're so busy, if they have 2 appointments in a week they stress and worry about it. My mother doesn't leave the house most days as she tells me she has so much housework to do. They have an average size house and a cleaner who does 2 hours a week. I do all their shopping and online bits like renewing bus pass etc.

For reference they have decent health, my father has some arthritis and my mother has recently had an operation but recovered well and now back to full health. They live a short walk from the centre of town and are financially comfortable.

I just don't get it and feel quite angry with them at their endless misery. Like everyone I've been juggling work and family stuff as well as other crap but if I mention it they imply that they have it worse.

Is this just what it's like being 80? Am I being unrealistic thinking they could go on holiday (pre covid) or just enjoy retirement? I dread that this is my fate!

My parents have a very poor quality of life and have had for three or four years. Quite busy, independent and social until then. Lockdown hasn’t been much different for them day to day although they haven’t dealt well with the worry.

DM is 88. She lives in a retirement flat. In normal times she plays bridge several times a week at friends' homes, goes out for meals, cinema etc. She drives and occasionally drives 100+ miles to see friends or family I don't think she should though

My mam is 80 , is learning a language and an instrument. Her exercise class is stopped but she walks most days, occasional 7mile trips. Key part of our family. She is slowing down though. She has enjoyed the lockdown time to sort her garden. She is not looking forward to winter as she expects it will be dangerous time which will limit her getting out and about

One does and one doesn't.

One - Mid 80s. In a home, has dementia, accuses his daughter of not caring, complains to his daughter about how horrible she is, doesn't know that she is his daughter and thinks he is complaining to somebody else about her. Writes things like 'Who will get rid of for me'

Two - Late 80s. Fit and healthy with all her marbles. Well off, independent, cares only for herself and uses other people for what they can do for her. Dislikes her daughter but likes her three grandchildren as long as she can boast about them. Can afford anything she wants as soon as she wants it. Lives in very expensive sheltered housing by choice.

My brother in laws mum is 94.

Still travelling around the world independently with her sister....... Her worlds shrunk since lockdown but she had good family and neighbours that make sure she speaks to someone each day and sees a face. She still cooks for herself and can use facetime to video call her great, great grandchildren.

My mum is 81, she had a very active and fulfilling life prior to covid. Volunteered 2 days per week in a charity shop, belonged to a knitting circle and generally helped out with social gatherings at the sheltered housing where she lives.

Covid has really hit her hard, she wont be going back to the charity shop as it is too risky, the knitting hasnt started back up and there is zero gatherings in the communal areas.

She is struggling with the monotony of day to day life at the moment.

My parents are mid 70s. They have stuck to lockdown due to one being diabetic. They go for a local hour long walk every day weather permitting & both still drive. Dad has just gone back to golf. They managed to master online shopping for food. But they are very much a couple and I dread the day one of them becomes seriously unwell.

Mine are 85 & 84, they have a very good quality of life. Lots of holidays and trips away, going out to lunch or dinner on their own or with friends, pottering round the shops, gardening, hobbies. They are lucky enough to have good health for their ages and are comfortably off, which I'm sure helps a lot.

My DM is 83 and pre- lockdown was very active. My dad died 16 years ago so she has been on her own for a while. She swam every day, went to the gym and did Pilates. Heavily involved in her church and still involved in guiding. Has a gardener to cut the grass, but does veggie growing and pruning. Still drives everywhere. I just hope she can get back to normal soon.

My parents are 78 and 79. Dad has diabetes he manages well with diet and exercise, Mum has decent health apart from plantar fasciitis, and they’re both pretty active — lots of gardening and walks, and they do their own shopping etc. My mother volunteers in a hospital (or did until Covid-19) and is active in the parish, and my father has an obsessive techie hobby he devotes a lot of time to.They were ok in lockdown. The big garden helped.

I mean, I think they could have a much fuller life, travel more within the country/region (in normal times), use their good brains more, but they’ve always been very routine-bound, and disinclined to do anything new or go anywhere for the first time. That’s not an age thing.

But in general, their quality of life is good.

Thank you for responses so far... It seems there's a real range of experiences. Plus covid and lockdown has been really hard for this group.

My DM is 83 and pre- lockdown was very active. My dad died 16 years ago so she has been on her own for a while. She swam every day, went to the gym and did Pilates. Heavily involved in her church and still involved in guiding. Has a gardener to cut the grass, but does veggie growing and pruning. Still drives everywhere. I just hope she can get back to normal soon.

Mum is 82 and would probably be horribly bored were it not for her sister’s family-lots of grandchildren. My cousins take her out and about, they have all pretty much ignored lockdown and have visited lots. They’ve now all gone off on holiday abroad together, fortunately not Spain.

MIL is 80 and she is in normal times very busy. She walks a lot, is involved in all sorts of groups and has a busy life. I confidently expect her to be around for another decade at least. She's single so lock down was tough but she is now off having outside get togethers with friends.
My parents are a couple of years younger and also walk a lot. My dm sees friends and my df has a part time job and a hobby.

My in-laws are 80, and sound a lot like your parents. They also had children later in life. My gran on the other hand was extremely fit and active until her 90s and had a great social life. I'm hoping my parents are more like her when they reach that age.

Mine play golf 2-3 times a week, (but now rent a buggy to get round course), enjoy eating out, theatre trips, having friends round for dinner, visiting historic houses, holidays abroad (in normal times) 3-4 times a year. They are lucky enough to enjoy good health and are comfortably off. More social than me, lucky things 😄

My mum is over 90. She's fit, healthy, and lives on her own, although my DS keeps an eye on her during the lockdown and she goes for walks every day. She doesn't do a lot of traveling, but this is pretty recent. She had booked to go on a cruise this month, but that's been canceled obviously.

Don't assume age is a major barrier to quality of life.

My grandparents are in their late 80s, reasonably good health. They don't go anywhere or do anything except sit and argue and moan about how old they are, even though they are so, so lucky to be healthy and well off with lots of family around them. Their only real joy is my kids and woe betide me if I don't bring them round at least twice a week. They really do love the kids though and are very good to us, my grandad is a horrible old man but I adore my grandma so I do what I can to make her happy. It's frustrating that they cant be grateful for everything they have, but it must be hard to be that age I suppose

By traveling, I mean flying to Canada and China. She still does her own shopping and is a wiz on Facetime and Facebook.

I also have friends in their 90s in my Art club, who have embraced our online Zoom classes.

My mum was nearly 80, lived on her own in her flat near us. She was an artist who painted and drew every day. She was shielding through lockdown, as were we (to shield our disabled son). I worried about her not getting out and about as she was the most sociable person I've ever met. We spoke every day, moaning about the government and laughing about stuff the children had done. She was fun, eccentric had loads of friends and was always in cahoots with her grandson causing mischief. She died suddenly just over a month ago, she was too young to die.

Mine are in their late 60s and early 70s and are very similar to your parents. They have always been quite negative and didn't do much prior to lockdown. They only socialise with each other and have no friends. They never go on holiday and their only activities are local walks and gardening. I think it is more to do with the individual than their age.

So sorry bupkis. She sounds amazing.

cookiemonster22 yep, my parents have been like this for a long time, it is defo more the individual than the age.

I feel so guilty (as they're 80) with how frustrated I am with them.

Mine are 82.

They fell off their tandem bike last month when they took a corner too fast. Few bruises and scrapes but no serious damage.

My father can still manage 50 miles on his bike. His probably fitter than most men half his age.

Both have their wits.