If your parents are 80ish, do they have fulfilling lives?

[Duvetstay]

Just wanted to get a view on experiences of having 80ish year old parents as mine had me very late in life so all my friends parents are much younger so I can't work out what's "normal".

My parents are both 80. They're taking lockdown really hard but to be honest their life was pretty limited anyway. They would only go on holiday to a cottage 1hr away where they go every year. They have endless minor health issues that I can never get to the bottom of... Headaches, aches and pains, can't sleep etc. These seem to come and go but there's always something.

I dread speaking to them as it's all negative. They're tell me they're so busy, if they have 2 appointments in a week they stress and worry about it. My mother doesn't leave the house most days as she tells me she has so much housework to do. They have an average size house and a cleaner who does 2 hours a week. I do all their shopping and online bits like renewing bus pass etc.

For reference they have decent health, my father has some arthritis and my mother has recently had an operation but recovered well and now back to full health. They live a short walk from the centre of town and are financially comfortable.

I just don't get it and feel quite angry with them at their endless misery. Like everyone I've been juggling work and family stuff as well as other crap but if I mention it they imply that they have it worse.

Is this just what it's like being 80? Am I being unrealistic thinking they could go on holiday (pre covid) or just enjoy retirement? I dread that this is my fate!

My IL are mid 80s. Until recently FIL used to swim twice a week, plays badminton, golf and play in a band. MIL faffs about makes housework and cooking last all day but occassionally goes shopping or has her hair done. In the time I've known her shes never had a hobby outside the house. Both have some health problems and whinge about them sometimes and are occassionally quite morbid.
My DM died in her early 60s but my Ddad was fairly active at 80. He went out everyday (I think because he was lonely) and was members of various societies and clubs, and had dinner parties.

Thankyou @Duvetstay - I didn't mean to go into such a reverie...I miss her terribly. She didn't have the greatest health and had had a lot of hardship in life, but these last few years I think had been some of her happiest. She was definitely fulfilled and always dreaming of stuff she'd like to do and telling stories of stuff she had done...I think (I hope) there is always the potential for happiness and I think (and hope) she was happy.

It wasn't a reverie bupkis... Your words were lovely. It must have been a big shock to you all.

Also fab to hear that being 80 doesn't automatically make you a miserable bugger! My parents are so unhappy and negative... I've spent years trying to get them out and interested in stuff but to no avail.

To be honest it sounds like your parents 'enjoy' ill health. They could well be content with a life you would hate.

DMil is 95 and has been praying for delivery for the last three years. She wanted to die in the home she grew up in but she can no longer be on her own, so that wish was not granted.
Sadly 80% of her problems could have been avoided by a bit more self care.
DF died a 84 and was active until he reached 80, than he was diagnosed with Lyme's - his brain recovered his walking didn't.
DSM in her seventies lost 21 kg, started running and his living in a flat in a multigenerational house.
DGAunt (DMil little sister) in her 90ties slowly dying of heart failiure still enjoys her life though living in a care home.

My mum and dad were still able to look after my newborn in their 80s. I remember my dad looking after DS between 11pm and 3am when. I used to visit with him and stay ovwrniy. They would.give him a bottle of breast milk at midnight and my mum and dad would keep him in their room in a Moses basket after that . Dad would bring him to me when he woke around 2-3am
They regularly went out to visit friends and had so many visitors that it would.sometimes irritate me.when I arrived for a scheduled weekend visit and the world and his aunt were in their house .

They also regularly went to Italy to.visit family until my father got too ill to.do that I'm his late 80s ( he developed a brain tumour)

This despite my mother having quite a high level of disability all.her life with severe arthritis. She was wheelchair bound for her late 80 s but still loved having visitors,.playing solitaire on her tablet, playing cards with friends every week, going on day trips with us to museums and zoos and anything we suggested really. She was always up for a day trip out or a party

I work on a lot of Care of the Elderly wards and it always amazes me the difference in people. We can have a 96 year old who fractured a hip climbing a ladder then a 63 year old who is bed bound. I think a lot depends on positive attitude and luck but unfortunately with age does come conditions which are painful, frightening and make people loose confidence.
My parents were old very young and my MIL after a few fractures and hospital stays is now house bound. We won't mention she was completely non-compliant with physio and just preferred to get back into bed!

Yes mine are late 80s and lead a very busy and interesting
life, good health and decent pensions clearly help. They are finding lockdown hard as it curtails their social life but they love eating out, theatre, walking, visits to National Trust type places, university reunions (not many of their friends left ), volunteering etc etc.

My job involves contact with a lot of older people who volunteer- their zest and enthusiasm for life is amazing. Equally I know many people my own age (60) who do nothing ....

MIL is 92 and amazing. She has limited eyesight now so gave up driving a few years ago but pre Covid she'd get a taxi to take her in to town (rural area so no buses). She is an amazing cook and great gardener - growing her own veg. She has someone to help with the garden now as it's quite big but she remains totally in control of it. She does internet shopping for most things. She broke her hip a few months ago but was back home living alone 2 weeks after a hip replacement op and going up and downstairs.

My dm is 79. She’s had cancer three times and two years ago had a double heart bypass. She’s has arthritis in her knees and has a Zimmer frame. She wasn’t ill young or when she was working, only when she retired it fell apart. My df passed away three years ago and he was bed bound.
If my mum goes out we take her in a wheelchair.

My grandma is in her 80s and all she does is moan when I have a conversation with her, its very draining to be honest. However, she's been alone for 12 years, has limited mobility and not a lot to worry or think about, so the tiniest things like getting the hedges cut become a huge concern, so I try to bear that in mind when shes testing my patient

My granddad (other side of family) on the other hand is 84 and is full of life, gets the bus into town every day, is a pleasure to talk to and is very energetic and positive. My nan died about 10 years ago and if anything I'd say his independence has given him more energy (obviously he was devastated when my nan died but he spent all of his time in her later years looking after her so didn't have much freedom)

Mine is 82, she does Red Hatters, Inner Wheel, a dinner party circle, the RSA group. a pub quiz, she exhausts me!

Keeps up with her friends (they keep dying off, it can be upsetting), her family, minds my sister's dog, is inexhaustible in the garden, still makes all her own preserves, but she has given over the home brewing.

My dads in his mid 70s works full time in a manual job his own business. He will do this until he cant manage anymore but god willing i dont see that happening anytime soon.

Rides motorbikes and keeps the five bedroom something acre house in pristine state

Went there today and he was knocking out a new kitchen

Im so blessed he has all his faculties hes my hero but he always tells me things can change in seconds especially the older you get.

Or maybe its coz my mums beautiful and 60 who knows lol

Mine are 70s and 80s and we’re shielding but do go out and about now. They have a good quality of life although I think my dad’s mobility has taken a bit of a hit.

Mine are late 70s DF gave up on life years ago, doesn’t communicate with anyone even DM because he refuses to wear his hearing aid, he’s rude and bullying towards us and has never really had friends or been sociable. It seems like he’s sitting waiting to die. DM is fit, sociable (but can’t have friends because of DF) and given the chance would go off and do things and enjoy herself (again can’t because of DF)

My in laws have nice lives. Coronavirus has impacted but usually they play bridge with lunch twice a week, he goes to a men’s art club one evening a week, they both sing in a choir and guide for various events in Bath. They have season tickets to the Rec and watch all of Baths home games with another couple. They are active in their church,doing flowers, reading etc.
He was an Olympian and attended three Olympics so still gets some invitations associated with that.
He still drives whilst she prefers not to. They walk their dog and have a drink or pub lunch. They garden a lot.
They go away to friends and family maybe one weekend a month. They have one two week holiday abroad and a couple of weeks in the U.K.

The octogenarians in our village have very comfortable lives. They aren’t even considered particularly old as we have a few active nonagenarians. They walk, sell their paintings, cook, do yoga, garden, attend and host village events and supper parties, run a Spanish (drinking) club, farm, go on holidays, visit families, go to WI, run the church, bell ring, cycle. All sorts

I think I'd be making allowances for them tbh. My mum and dad died last year aged 69 and 73 and they were a 'bit of a pain' as they both unfortunately experienced poor health for a number of years. Still... they were fantastic parents and I feel I could have put up with them at 80! So my advice would be to grit your teeth here and make some soothing noises re the illnesses etc whilst encouraging them in what they can do

my mum is 82, lives independently in her own house with the mortgage paid off. Still moans about everything though. How hard her life is and how much work she has to do. Not sure what work she's talking about other than a bit of gardening, a bit of shopping and cooking some dinner for herself. She is relatively healthy but is lonely. Lockdown has been hard on her and I've been visiting every few days and phone every day. I think it's been hard on all the elderly to be honest, whatever their situation. I think they're also at the age where they just moan about everything, even if things aren't as bad as they used to be, or as bad as they make out.

It's so cheering how much can be achieved with making the effort, isn't it.

Ageing really is the one thing in life you can do absolutely nothing about but so much more than you'd bargain for.

Fil is 75 ish and lives hiking. Will do a casual 8 miles on a Sunday afternoon and goes around the world doing mountain trek type things. Does lots of adult evening classes and runs various groups. Does biking and yoga

Whereas I mostly eat biscuits

Mother is 89 now and up to the past 5 years when she developed Alzheimer's, she was very active, driving, meeting friends and busy every day, but not very nice, she wasn't needy in anyway.

Since the Alzheimer's we have had to step in and organise carers, daycare etc, but strangely she's a sweetheart now.

Pre Covid I helped run an old folks lunch club, I was the 'youngest' of the organisers at 62 and all the other helpers were late 70s/early 80s ... older than most of our guests .

My mother will be 90 in a couple of weeks. She was very active and sociable pre lockdown and her world has changed, but she has embraced YouTube art lessons and yoga. Last week I found her painting a shed. She's missed my father more over lockdown (he died 2.5 years ago at 93) and they'd booked a cruise the week he died, so it was a huge shock even though at 93 it shouldn't have been. Like a PP though, I don't approve of her driving still. She knows that. Her defence is that she's the youngest of all her friends and they still drive.

Happy though .... despite him being very grumpy, a light went out for her when my father died. It would have been their 68th anniversary yesterday and she was maudlin when I saw her.

My dad is 78 and has had heart failure for years but lives reasonably ok if he paces himself. He was in Australia in a camper van he had rented with his mate when the pandemic hit and he had to come back early.
He is active in his church and has just retired from being the warden so has lots of meetings and jobs he does there. He does maintenance on the local scout hut every Friday morning. He has a group of mates he has 3 pints and 2 whiskeys with every Thursday night. He keeps an eye his 94 yr old friend, taking him bits of treat food now and then and watches a film with him every Wednesday. He has my niece over most weekends and babysits my 7yr old sometimes. He's awesome.

Mine are late 70s, lockdown has been difficult for them because all their activities have curtailed. No major health issues, but being cautious due to their age. Usually they are out every day, meeting friends, volunteering, classes, swimming all sorts of stuff.
I’ve found with lockdown my dad has started to turn into Victor Meldrew. He’s always got something to moan about.

They are desperate to get back to normal.