If your parents are 80ish, do they have fulfilling lives?

[Duvetstay]

Just wanted to get a view on experiences of having 80ish year old parents as mine had me very late in life so all my friends parents are much younger so I can't work out what's "normal".

My parents are both 80. They're taking lockdown really hard but to be honest their life was pretty limited anyway. They would only go on holiday to a cottage 1hr away where they go every year. They have endless minor health issues that I can never get to the bottom of... Headaches, aches and pains, can't sleep etc. These seem to come and go but there's always something.

I dread speaking to them as it's all negative. They're tell me they're so busy, if they have 2 appointments in a week they stress and worry about it. My mother doesn't leave the house most days as she tells me she has so much housework to do. They have an average size house and a cleaner who does 2 hours a week. I do all their shopping and online bits like renewing bus pass etc.

For reference they have decent health, my father has some arthritis and my mother has recently had an operation but recovered well and now back to full health. They live a short walk from the centre of town and are financially comfortable.

I just don't get it and feel quite angry with them at their endless misery. Like everyone I've been juggling work and family stuff as well as other crap but if I mention it they imply that they have it worse.

Is this just what it's like being 80? Am I being unrealistic thinking they could go on holiday (pre covid) or just enjoy retirement? I dread that this is my fate!

My dm is 81 & runs rings round me, she does all her own housework, shopping, gardens, has loads of friends.

My ex mil is exactly the same age, has pulmonary fibrosis, unable to walk or care for herself, has to have carers, she was the one who in her sixties was always going to the gym & never sat still.

My mom’s 87 and she fills her day, not sure fulfilling is the right term. She’s content with pottering about; gardening at the moment. Covid has been a big change to her seniors line dance which met upwards of three times a week. She’s actually grumpy from a lack of stimulating conversation (eager to start a debate). Additional trips and planning is very challenging for her and having a family member drop by takes a weeks notice and all day prep.

My parents are 82 (DM) and 86(DF). They have the usual niggly ongoing illnesses that people of their age tend to get - DF is diabetic with Crohns and DM had surgery for breast cancer a couple of years ago and also suffers from IBS type complaints so has a mostly gluten free diet.

I've actually been amazed that during lockdown they have been so healthy and haven't seemed to have needed any of their usual trips to the doctors.

Prior to lockdown they didn't do a huge amount. DF enjoyed getting the groceries and keeps busy running a home service transferring old videos to DVDs. DM was involved in the knitting club but not hugely. They stopped taking holidays a couple of years ago, but do like to go out for lunch with neighbours and meet up with us - I'm an only DC.

They seem reasonably content and managed pretty well during lockdown - setting up online shopping for the first time. We're meeting up for a meal outside on Sunday - weather permitting and DF is looking forward to that.

My husband’s grandparents definitely did until a couple of years before they died, when they were both 96. A lot of that was to do with having each other though.
Things have gone downhill for all other relatives in their 80s though my own parents and MiL are late 70s now and no sign of slowing down at all.

Mine didn't make it to 80 but my neghbour is85, man opposite nearly 80 and couple on the other side about 80 and man opposite them at least 82 (I adore having such quiet very old neighbours) and they all seem pretty happy. One doesn't go out due to bad healthy but is a real chatterbox on the phone and there is no way I would say their lives are not fulfilling.

It sounds like your parents are just moaners - people are of all ages and some are happy at all ages.

My uncle is in his 90s. I cried when I heard about the over 70s being asked to stay in for 12 weeks. He has barely any family and none that live close by. He cant get to grips with technology so no chance of a zoom call. He has amazed me at how positive he has been during lockdown. He hasnt left his house since March and yet hes quite upbeat whenever I call! He normally meets friends and goes to a couple of clubs but he has mobility issues. I think hes just as happy having a phone conversation with them as seeing them, as it was physically quite hard for him to get to meet them.

My parents are 86 years old. Both are in considerable pain from chronic conditions, both very limited mobility and both are struggling with concentration levels. Their quality of life is shockingly poor - I don't know what to talk to them about anymore - they have no interest in anything apart from their own pain - it's such a sad place to get to, they are literally waiting to die.

Have your folks always had a pessimistic outlook, OP? My dad’s health declined shockingly fast after he retired. He had nothing left to fill the space work had occupied. I remember him sitting around all day just getting more and more frail and distant. He was 74 when he died. I think mum’s health was affected by trying to care for him and I still feel guilty at not doing enough to persuade her to get some help at home. Bupkis 🌺. My mum died a few months ago, and it was sudden.

My parents are in their mid-80s and are in good health and very well off financially, they should be having a wonderful time. BUT they dwell on every ache, pain and headache expecting it to be the beginning of the end. Their (ill) health is their only topic of conversation.

There's no joy in their lives, they don't have any hobbies or interests, they do not like spending any money unnecessarily and live very frugally despite being wealthy.

I find it so sad, they could be leading such a fulfilling life.

Mine seemed to go downhill at around 85 - it's been a battle to recover from a series of setbacks. I don't blame my parents for feeling miserable - their quality of life is so very low.

That sounds really hard bakedtreat

craftycorvid yes, they always have been pessimistic and, as a result, risk averse. So they don't do anything "just in case". Covid has justified this in their eyes... Eg they were right not to ever go on a cruise!

VWCaliAdventurer, they sound exactly like mine! So frustrating. I've recently given up trying to get them involved in any as it was like banging my head against a brick wall. Plus the endless medical chats. Argh!

My parents had an absolutely brilliant life until they hit their eighties. They socialised a lot, travelled endlessly, went to classes, had a veg garden, had friends to stay. But illnesses took over, friendships faded or their friends died and they have ended up almost bedbound and obsessed with their ailments and their carers.

My parents (87 & 89) have an extremely positive outlook on life which I am sure keeps them going. They are always cheerful - even after a medical scare & ambulance trip to A & E last week - my DM is already insisting on a day out tomorrow and researching where to go for lunch. She was phoning me from hospital getting me to sort out hedge cutting and other non essential matters. Took very limited notice of "lockdown rules" 'that doesn't apply to us,, we can easily go shopping ourselves etc etc '. If I have the slightest moan or make a comment about being a bit 'fed up', I get told off (I am over 60 myself!).

I actually admire their positive attitude and enthusiasm for life.

In laws are 76 and in poor health. Both housebound and living in sheltered accommodation. MIL v negative, DIL has dementia. Haven’t been active since their 50s, literally walked to the car and back again. They are now paying the price, unfortunately. MIL v negative and depressing, I hate to say it, but I’ve been thankful not to be able to see her. Sorry, I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but she’s extremely draining. My DM & DF, 79, are much more positive and active, especially DM, who volunteers and socialises widely when there isn’t a pandemic & is getting out again now.

Mil 84 is in a bit of a state - enjoyed lockdown because she doesn’t like going anywhere, potting in her garden is her joy, she has low expectations on life, has poor mobility and is in pain all the time - not one to complain much, though it’s very sad to see her life reduced to what it is. I’m thinking of Switzerland as a serious option or buying a gun!

I have an 82 yr old mother who is the 'tour de force' she has always been. Walks miles and lovingly tends her garden, she lives with my sister but visits me for a week every couple of months. We went to Italy not long ago, she does get quite bad aches and pains as she doesn't let life hold her back. She is not a moaner though, she is very intelligent and is busy enjoying her life while she can, she can't believe she is still knocking around she was really poorly in her fifties. I am sorry your parents are like this, do they not see/care about the effect this is having you?

Apart from one grandad who died of throar cancer at 75, all my grandparents and most of my great aunts/uncles seem to live normal lives (with some medication) till their late 80s, then decline suddenly (I'm hoping to be the same)

They are all Italian though, and have stereotypical diets and lots of fresh air/country walks etc.

My grans both flew to the UK for my wedding in their early 80s, and one gran even came over for DS1s baptism aged 85. My remaining nonna is 87 and still lives alone in her flat (she gets help with shopping now with coronavirus)

Mum is 89 ( dad died 2 years ago).

In non-Covid times she was out most days - she plays Bridge and Croquet, helps out at her church's cafe and foodbank, walks to the shops, drives to our house (30 mins) if we need someone to stay in for the gasman etc.

Over Covid she has been walking every day, working in her garden, learning to play online Bridge and Zooming with her 86 year old sister in US.

However, she has always been a non-moaner - probably due to being a war time evacuated child who did not see her family for 5 years - current things never seem as bad as that.

I wonder if some parents 'store up' worries to dump on children as they don't have anyone else to share them with?

My gran is mid 80s very fit and well. She has a partner who is 15 years younger and still works so I think he keeps her young haha!! They go for lots of weekends away, she decided she didn't want to go abroad any more around age 80 but is thinking about starting again. She does all her own housework and was loads of help to me on maternity just before and after she turned 80 and we decided to buy and fully renovate a house. I had to beg her not to scrub the floors on her hands and knees but she wanted to earn the points for weight watchers so she could have a curry and a brandy (long term gold member or whatever they are when at goal). She's amazing!!

My mum will be 80 in December. She has Alzheimer's and severe arthritis in her hands and spine. She was pretty active in her own limited world (she doesn't and never has travelled outside her home town) until the Alzheimer's, and physically, apart from the arthritis, is relatively healthy. Since my dad died though it's been very difficult for her 😢