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Original poster

Help me tell DH he needs to start applying for jobs

67 replies

SoPanny · 24/07/2020 15:49

DH has been unemployed for 16 months now.

Was quite high up in finance then contract came to an end and - BOOM - nothing.

We have had some shit happen that’s knocked his job search off course (bereavements and structural issues with house) but it’s been too long.

His confidence is shot and whilst he’s seeing a career counsellor I think she’s a charlatan and feeding him a load of hackneyed Myers Briggs crap.

If I didn’t care about how he felt I’d tell him I’m sick of being sole earner, I’m sick of the way in which he’s piddling about with shit like scrum master stuff and to fucking apply for some actual jobs on LinkedIn.

I am watching his behaviours change and his odd stress reactions resurface and I want him to just actually get applying for jobs so at least he is doing something even if it’s a few rungs below what he’s used to.

How would you approach? Please help as I’ve had months of sitting on this and now I’m incandescent.

OP posts:
HeartGirls · 24/07/2020 15:56

Not that it's your job but I'd start by revamping his CV. It will seem a huge hurdle to him and one more obstacle in your way unless you do it.

Then he's really got little excuse to apply. Marriages are partnerships and you've carried him long enough now he needs to jump back on board.

Good luck

Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 16:11

@HeartGirls

Not that it's your job but I'd start by revamping his CV. It will seem a huge hurdle to him and one more obstacle in your way unless you do it.

Then he's really got little excuse to apply. Marriages are partnerships and you've carried him long enough now he needs to jump back on board.

Good luck

Thank you. I’ve had more success in my CV getting attention and I suggested he send his in the format I’ve used and he basically just didn’t.
OP posts:
MyPersona · 24/07/2020 16:23

Is his career coach not getting him to sort his CV out and work on a marketing plan, building his network etc? If not he needs to change to someone better. There are also some good free resources on LinkedIn. You’ll have to tell him that it’s time to change his approach as it’s been too long. Also if he needs mental health support he needs to ask for it. Marriage is a partnership and currently he’s not fulfilling his part.

Interested in this thread?

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Jobs
Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 17:24

Appreciate these.

Chats in two hours.

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 17:40

He’s a good bloke, he’s not lazy, in fact work defined who he was/is but to have such a cornerstone of your identity ripped away and come 2nd place in interviews a couple of times, it’s changing him.

I feel sorry for him but want to tear him a new one at the same time.

OP posts:
GreyGardens88 · 24/07/2020 17:42

God your DH sounds spoilt and odious. Are you sure you want to be with this man child?

Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 17:59

He needs a hoof in the arse @GreyGardens88

Not sure how you drew such a black and white conclusion from my posts

OP posts:
MsEllany · 24/07/2020 18:03

I’d approach it from an “I’m worried” perspective.

I’m worried you’re falling into bad habits.

I’m worried you’re becoming a bit complacent.

I’m worried that the situation means you’re getting too comfortable and it’s putting a lot of stress on me.

I’m worried that you’re getting too insular and not seeing the bigger picture.

Something like that?

Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 18:47

That’s helpful @MsEllany

And also lessens the urge to scream

OP posts:
Aknifewith16blades · 24/07/2020 19:15

www.askamanager.org/category/unemployment has an American focus, but has great advice.

It's been a tough job market out there lately, even pre-covid. Is there any chance of him doing consultancy/ mat leave cover/ volunteering etc to get his foot in the door?

Chameleon2003 · 24/07/2020 19:21

My husband has been made redundant twice in the last 10 years from a professional career.

Finding something new was a full time job in itself.
He probably applied for well over a hundred jobs each time.
He also applied for things that initially didn't look like a good fit but lead to alternative offers.

Dennysheart · 24/07/2020 19:48

Is he pulling his weight in the house as he’s not working? If he was lazying about, I’d be furious. The market is slow and his confidence might be shot but he needs to do something. Once the bad habits set in it’ll make the anxiety even worse.

AllTheCakes · 24/07/2020 20:15

I would be telling him that if he can’t get a job at his old pay grade, then he needs to lower his expectations and work his way up again. I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Lweji · 24/07/2020 20:20

Not that I know a lot or anything about jobs in finance, but wouldn't he be better with a head hunter rather than a career coach?

Head hunters find jobs and people for jobs. Career coaches would be better for people already with jobs, I'd think.

Original poster
SoPanny · 24/07/2020 22:02

@Dennysheart

Is he pulling his weight in the house as he’s not working? If he was lazying about, I’d be furious. The market is slow and his confidence might be shot but he needs to do something. Once the bad habits set in it’ll make the anxiety even worse.
He does and he always has. Always.

Tonight’s chat was absolute shit. I’m fed up. I don’t care about what you’re trying to do, I just want him to get back to work and for us to find our groove as a family again.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 24/07/2020 22:06

Welcome dh to the world of mother's who constantly apply for jobs only to get overlooked time and time again. Sadly, many men just aren't used to rejection. He needs to grow up though - suck it up, aply to whatever is there, accept he may get rejections, but keep. Fucking. Going. Now is NOT the time.for self pity.

YouJustDoYou · 24/07/2020 22:08

I would be telling him that if he can’t get a job at his old pay grade, then he needs to lower his expectations and work his way up again. I’m not surprised you’re upset

^^This.

ButteryPuffin · 24/07/2020 22:14

Can he look for something totally different to do, to take that sense of unfavourable comparison with his old job out of it?

Original poster
SoPanny · 25/07/2020 06:36

Woken up furious this am at the realisation that I’m being asked to tolerate even more months of his unemployment whilst he “finds a niche way to sell what he currently does”.

Yes there are finance bods out there all looking for work and he needs to be looking too, not doing extremely difficult online learning courses to try and run before he can walk and get angry about having no time in which to do it when all of our children went back to nursery he other week.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/07/2020 06:43

As an aside Scrum Master shit is all the rage at the moment so may actually help him
secure a position!

JoJothesquirrel · 25/07/2020 06:45

Been there exactly there. Not applying for job x because it doesn’t exactly match the skill set not apply for job y because he worked for the huge conglomerate during training and hated it.

I cannot remember the exact tact I took but basically I said apply for a job you can’t not get, cleaner, bar work admin etc etc, massive massive step down but bring in a wage. Funnily enough a month as a courier was the rocket up the arse he needed. Not because there’s any shame in these jobs but somehow he forgot that there’s no ideal perfect fit. There’s vacancies and there’s unemployed people.

ukgift2016 · 25/07/2020 06:51

He’s a good bloke, he’s not lazy

What rubbish, he is a CF. He is living a cushy life, his having counselling sessions, his wife pays for his upkeep and he gets to do whatever he wants.

If you don't want to lay an ultimatum down. It may be worth discussing him becoming a SAHD? Surely that's what he is doing?

tara66 · 25/07/2020 07:12

You do know there are redundancies and voluntary redundancies in financial sector at the present time? There are not as many jobs as there used to be and they may never return.

Jent13c · 25/07/2020 07:16

Could he be depressed? We are now in month 5 and my husband is slowly slipping into depression every day. He is being rejected without interview for every single job and is literally applying for about 8 jobs a day. He had a good job but in quite a specific field and has so many transferable skills but at the moment there are just so many people needing jobs that every job that comes up has people applying that have the experience, not just transferable skills so he has to pretty much wait until his exact role comes up.

Sheenais · 25/07/2020 07:21

That’s actually a good point about his CV. And as the
PP says, it is not your job, however, when I was applying for jobs because mine was sucking the life out of me. I found that it seemed such a huge hurdle to adjust my CV and write a new cover letter each time. In the end an old colleague helped me and wrote the best CV ever and it was noticed immediately. Could you offer to do that? It is tedious but it can be a real stumbling block.

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