Help me tell DH he needs to start applying for jobs

[SoPanny]

DH has been unemployed for 16 months now.

Was quite high up in finance then contract came to an end and - BOOM - nothing.

We have had some shit happen that’s knocked his job search off course (bereavements and structural issues with house) but it’s been too long.

His confidence is shot and whilst he’s seeing a career counsellor I think she’s a charlatan and feeding him a load of hackneyed Myers Briggs crap.

If I didn’t care about how he felt I’d tell him I’m sick of being sole earner, I’m sick of the way in which he’s piddling about with shit like scrum master stuff and to fucking apply for some actual jobs on LinkedIn.

I am watching his behaviours change and his odd stress reactions resurface and I want him to just actually get applying for jobs so at least he is doing something even if it’s a few rungs below what he’s used to.

How would you approach? Please help as I’ve had months of sitting on this and now I’m incandescent.

@SoPanny

If I didn’t care about how he felt I’d tell him I’m sick of being sole earner, I’m sick of the way in which he’s piddling about with shit like scrum master stuff and to fucking apply for some actual jobs on LinkedIn.
Actually in your shoes, and after 16 months, I'd be telling him exactly this. He has a responsibility to his family, just as you do to keep his family financially afloat.

Woken up furious this am at the realisation that I’m being asked to tolerate even more months of his unemployment whilst he “finds a niche way to sell what he currently does”.
Surely he needs to find a way of making this work as well as, not instead of, having a regular, steady paying job?

I hope there's no possibility of this, OP, but what would happen financially if your own job disappeared? There are few guarantees and I doubt we have seen the peak of job losses yet. How would he feel, and more, what would he do if there was no income but outgoing costs remained pretty much the same? Additionally we're still in July but household costs will only increase with the need to pay for central heating costs etc over the winter (sorry).

Has he become too comfortable with the situation he/you are currently in?

BTW what is he paying his careers adviser? This doesn't seem to be working and he now needs to stop faffing around the problem and do something constructive to get "A" job, even if it's not the job he wants to do.

He needs to get volunteering or similar, 16 months of no work looks bad on a CV.
If he’s not prepared to properly look for work you need to decide if you want to carry him until he claims his pension.

It’s a tight market in many parts of financial services at the moment. But there are still jobs out there.

He could think about looking at returnships, maybe? They’re not just for women, and some actively look to get men represented on them to prove it. They do tend to look for a two year gap, though, so maybe not quite yet.

Op, he has good skills & experience. 16 months is way too long.

He needs to revamp his cv and place it with a number of sites and agencies - Indeed, Reed, the specialist finance ones etc. Look for temporary or part time work as well as full time. Maybe that will help him rebuild a bit of confidence.
Flag himself as “looking for a new role” on LinkedIn. And dump the career coach if he’s still unemployed after a year. It’s clearly not helping.
Set a routine for each day. Up with you, clean & dressed, spend the morning (at least a couple of hours) searching through job sites, applying for jobs, writing covering letters and tailoring the cv.

Then take a break, fresh air, exercise, then something that gives him a sense of achievement in the afternoon- redecorating, cleaning, gardening, cooking - whatever works for him. It all helps with self esteem.

It’s a slog (I’m doing it too) but there’s no other way

Ok so marbles lost now - May as well post a load of outing information

I suppose this is a drip feed but

Last Spring we moved from London to Scotland - he voluntarily quit for this; I think he could have worked at distance.

The our baby arrived early and she nearly died. We were in our new house 4 days with two under three to look after.

This nearly killed DH.

He had 4 interviews lined up in one day in London in March all cancelled the minute he hit London because Corona (this was March 10th).

The corona

Then our landlord asked us to leave so we needed to find a new place during lockdown as landlord needed house back

And we just moved

I’ve outed myself, I know it. Please can you tell me if IABU because the last Peirce of the puzzle to fix is him getting a job.

He has never sought counselling about DD nearly dying as he “didn’t need it”.

We have been through so much and we are a partnership and a team; we do the same line of work at the same level.

But now he is depressed and I am getting super resentful and I keep getting fobbed off with bollocks.

Money isn’t an immediate problem but my wish to slap him is.

basically I said apply for a job you can’t not get, cleaner, bar work admin etc etc, massive massive step down but bring in a wage

^^ This.

My ex was the same - 18 months of doing nothing while I worked two jobs to keep the family afloat.

I gave him an ultimatum - do any job that will have you, or I'm done. He took a job as a night cleaner and actually enjoyed the camaraderie with the other cleaning people , and liked the work. He ended up starting his own cleaning company and still does that - he employs many people and is quite successful. Sometimes you have to take the road less travelled to find your niche. Good luck.

How is he comfortable making you do all the work bringing in the income?

Sorry but maybe its time to actually find out what hes thinking because it doesnt sound like he will be doing anything about it for a long time if ever

My partner had been out of work 3 years now,..I feel your pain x

This sounds incredibly hard, OP. I agree with PP who said sack off the career coach as it's clearly not helping - just tell him you're not paying for it any more as a family. He definitely needs to find something to do as the cv gap will be off putting, can he volunteer with a charity in a finance role etc. I don't know whereabouts in scotland you are or what exactly his skillset is but there are over 30 FD roles being advertised in Scotland at the moment. You're right he can't afford to be picky any more, the longer he's unemployed the less attractive he becomes to future employers- it's harsh but true. What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum?

Also, I just wanted to give you these . You've had such a rough time as a family and I really hope someone's been looking out for you too since your DD was born. Having been through something similar when my own youngest DD was born, I can hand on heart say that talking therapy did both me and my DH the world of good.

You've all had a tough year from your update. How long did you take off work with your baby? Did DH pitch in to help and is this period of turbulence reflected in his CV? it sounds as if he had his stuff together a bit if he had a load of interviews lined up in London in march. Is he now feeling there is no point because of the job losses to come? Depending on which area of finance he is in, that is clearly not necessarily the case and actually working remotely has been proven to work.

If you have small children why cant he become the SAHP and you bring in the income like many other families. Having two parents working full time with small children is unusual.

@helpfulperson

If you have small children why cant he become the SAHP and you bring in the income like many other families. Having two parents working full time with small children is unusual.

We are better and more cohesive if a family if both parents are both working. That forms the crux of my upset right now.

We like work and we like children and I don’t think I should need to justify this.

It does sound tough. But he needs to take responsibility and get himself sorted.

Practically speaking, he could get temp jobs in finance, I bet. There is work out there in areas of finance.

I would suggest trying couples counselling to help you talk to each other.

Goodness that sounds so hard. Is your daughter ok now? I can understand you feeling annoyed, especially as you’ve also been through the same minus the unemployment. It’s not like you’ve had it easy either.

What rubbish, he is a CF. He is living a cushy life, his having counselling sessions, his wife pays for his upkeep and he gets to do whatever he wants.
Sounds like he found the Holy Grail of MN, he is a SAHP.

basically I said apply for a job you can’t not get, cleaner, bar work admin etc etc, massive massive step down but bring in a wage

People can be rejected for these types of jobs on the grounds that they are "over-qualified". I've never understood it myself - if someone is happy to do the job for the wage offered I don't see why it is a problem, but I've heard it happen several times - including to my partner.

Wow, you have both had it really hard. I did roll my eyes at the few posts that said 'you shouldn't have to do this but could you X'. Marriage is about supporting each other so that everyone makes it out the other side. It sucks a little when one person has to do a lot of the leg work for a while but if it's a strong marriage it will equal out over the years.

If I were in your situation I'd put an end to all my negative views about the things he is doing. Where I work 'shit' like Myers Briggs and Scrum will get you far. Plus he is putting effort into something so don't squash that. Be positive and encouraging about thoes things. But help him fill the gaps in the bits he isn't managing to do, especially if these are your strengths. Put his CV in a better format, make a list of recruiters that he should send his CV to, talk him through it and so long as he isn't flat out against it, send them for him. Frame it as a way for him to start hearing from the experts what Covid 19 has done to the job market rather than focusing on the massive end goal of getting a job. My husband did this for me when I was at my lowest confidence with work after having a boss bully me out if the company. The fact that recruiters wanted to talk to me (even though I thought the jobs they had were shit) made a huge difference. It wasn't my husband babying or controling me, it was him recognizing that I needed a helping hand over what had become huge mental barriers.

I really feel for you because the frustration is clear in your posts. You have had wave after wave of crap, well done for how you have handled it so far.

Lock down for UK was 23rd March so surprised all 4 job interviews in London were cancelled 10th March. Why did you move to Scotland when you know most jobs in Finance especially before lock down were in London? Are you in an area of high unemployment in Scotland?

OP, have you ever been long term unemployed? It's really tough. That, plus the whole moving across the country thing, and the bit with the kids, etc. It sounds really, really tough.

Me and DH both went through some similar, very rough life patches (issues with jobs, housing, and babies, all at the same time)
You DH is probably not feeling OK at all. I'm not sure how well you're coping either (the whole being furious). You might both be going through some kind of untreated mental health crisis (depression and/or PTSD)

Of course this job thing is important. But there might be something more important that needs addressing first (or at the same time). Good luck and take care

I think there really may be seperate issues at play here. I firmly believe he should have had counselling after we moved and DD nearly died.

I did and it helped enormously, it even allowed me to not feel burning resentment at having my mat leave (ambition 9 months) torpedoed at 5 months (when I went to work on a new contract because he couldn’t get any headway).

I’ve never been unemployed for as long as this but I have been and I had to change direction. I was in my 20s though and appreciate this is different.

When we are both working and managing our home life we feel invincible. But what seems to be the norm for so many just isn’t happening here but my upset is that I feel he’s doing nothing to consciously rectify it.

Yes the work he is doing now is relevant and we both kind of need to keep working in London (under normal circs I do 2 days a week, the rest from home, it works and he wants the same)

I mean, he’s looking at London, not Buttfuck Nowhere. But in the whole of London nothing is suitable?

Shite.

I agree that it seems odd nothing is suitable in the whole of London. What type of finance does he do, if you're prepared to share? I am a London based finance professional, so may have some insights.

OP are you as a family thinking you would move back to London if DH got the right kind of finance job there? Did you move in the first place for lifestyle/family/work...which?

We moved to afford a house, to get a v v v good free education for our children and to be near the sea and the hills, plus I’m from here.

I stand by it wasn’t naive to think we could commute up and down to London and back; it works for me, I’ve been doing it for 9 months (well, 6 thanks Covid).

Ironically Covid has made distance even less of an issue now as as WFH or 60% WFH is the future.

OP I think you have both been through a really shit time. But you seem to have got your head screwed back on quicker than he has. You are being very pragmatic about things and he seems to be flailing about.

You say some great things about him here - have you told him the same thing? I am no saying you have to say “ poor baby you are amazing, it’s the world that’s wrong” crap but long term unemployment does batter your self esteem. He needs to hear his strengths and then you can talk about putting them into action.

Bin the career coach. As others have said he needs a structured job search routine running on two tracks at the same time. One, is the search for the perfect job. Second is the search for anything that will bring in a wage and plug that CV gap.

Talk more about the great team you are together. He is probably feeling envious of your work and embarrassed that he isn’t wanted ( not saying that’s true but it’s how it will feel to him).