Help me rise above Ex h jibes over child maintenance

[Wilburgh]

I’m not having the greatest time at the moment. Tough pregnancy, elderly and difficult relative with cancer. I’m not in the best of moods.

Ds turns 18 in September. He had one more year of college to go but found last year tough. He was pushed into a course he didn’t want to do but there wasn’t much else choice wise, he was miserable.

He’s decided to work for a year or two. Luckily the company that Dh works for had some data entry positions, Ds applied and got one. So now he’ll have some breathing space to figure out what he wants to do, Maybe return to education next year. It’s thinking time anyway.

He told his dad, my ex h. We split when Ds was 6, he’s hated me ever since. Uses every opportunity to be snarky and to try and get one over on me. I’m usually very good at giving no reaction.

He does pay maintenance but it’s nothing like what he should be paying given his wage - he tells me tales of woe but he’s very high up in a large company, always has been since we were together and a quick google tells you his job title, so I don’t know why he feels the need to lie (aside from money) But you know what, he’s made my life miserable enough over the years that I’ve let it Go.

Received this text this morning “seeing a Ds has decided to forgo his education the money I paid you last week will be the last payment you will get as he’s no longer in full time education. Good luck supporting your own child from now on”

For fucks sake. He’s been such a twat over the years.

I’m not replying.

I would like to reply with “oh, shut up you cunt” but I won’t.

Fair enough stopping the maintenance but what a horrible message to send, he sounds like a selfish excuse of a father.

Congratulations you have just received the last message that reminds you what an utter twonk he is. Fortunately you have survived years of his stupidity without it rubbing off on you and making you lower yourself to his cretinous level. Raise a glass of something to celebrate the end of poking up with his stupidness and enjoy your lovely family. You have achieved so much more than he could ever be capable of, so be proud

[quote Wilburgh]@TenCornMaidens I want to keep things as civil as possible for now. Until my baby is born at least as I can’t take anymore stress.

But I will address that in the next couple of months.[/quote]
Sorry, but you sound like a mug. The discourse isn’t civil right now. It’s abusive toward you. You not standing up for yourself for the past 12 years hasn’t made him nicer to you. You even stated so yourself. Find your backbone and cut him off completely. That will help reduce the stress while pregnant, not you living in anticipation of him kicking off. The “high road” argument is bullshit. He’s still abusing you and your so called “dignified silence” is complicity.

The moral high ground is all well and good but I’m sure it doesn’t give you half as much satisfaction as ‘shut up you cunt’. Congratulations you’re free!
2 years to go for me.

Honestly OP I really wouldn’t put the effort into facilitating your DSs contact or communication anymore. Your son is almost 18, this isn’t your job anymore. If he wants to speak to his dad it’s up to him, or his dad can make the effort. The only reason you have for speaking with this man anymore would be if your DS was taken ill and he needed to be told. You’ve done a great job making sure you’re not the bad guy but now it’s up to them if they want a relationship.

Also - great that your son is taking this time out. I stopped a course I wasn’t loving about the same time, went to work for a bit and actually didn’t go back to education until I was 21 but it was the best thing I did. Ended up doing exactly the right things which lead to Uni doing exactly the right degree. Education doesn’t have to be perfectly linear.

Enjoy the satisfaction of the thought of his face waiting for your response that never came.

He texted to ask you if you'd got the last message? What a knob! How is he still so desperate for your attention after all this time?

I would send the text then block his number. You absolutely do not need to communicate with him, let DS speak for himself.
I would not allow this dock to talk to me like that.

OP, you mention being used as his punchbag, I have exactly the same. Ex can't take all this anger out on OW as she holds all the cards and he is entirely beholden to her in every way. So I get all the crap. He does things and the tries to gaslight me into believing I actually did it. Fortunately I recognise this so it doesn't wash but my God it's draining. I wish he'd fall off the face of the earth. Please don't reply any further to this man, it's all he wants. He craves your attention. Silence is your most powerful weapon . Block him and end contact, as I said before, let DS organise his own relationship with this father.

@Iwalkinmyclothing

He texted to ask you if you'd got the last message? What a knob! How is he still so desperate for your attention after all this time?

He does that a lot.

He’s the most important person on the planet you see, and I’m just the feckless layabout who sits around counting the money he’s graciously given me.

Christ knows.

I’ve taken on board every thing that’s been said about just blocking him now. I’ll speak to Ds about it all as well.

My big fear has always been that he’ll persuade Ds to go and live with him if I rock the boat. Money talks and all that.

Go ahead and do it. Call him a cunt. Then tell him your glad to finally forever be rid of his unless ass and that your DS is sonkuckky to have your husband as his true father figure.

Then block the fucker and never speak to him again😁

Okay. Now I've read all your replies.

You have spend your son's entire life showing him that you're the bigger person for his sake... But now he is an adult... You can stand up for yourself and show your son that it's okay to refuse to take abuse from someone. You can tell your son that he can make arrangements to see his dad with his dad.... Dad can pay for his train tickets for visits. You have no reason to be connected to your ex any longer.

You seem like a decent person who doesn't fly off the handle... So send a last text to your ex telling him that you agree and that this will be your last contact with him as the support of your child is no longer a joint effort. And then block that fucker forever.

What a twat, Otherwise I would be glad to be rid of him now that your ds is an adult. Block him, anything your ds wants or needs from his dad can be communicated by your ds now if he wants.

"Ds I've dealt with your dad to help you two keep a relationship, you're an adult now so I'd like it if you two communicate to facilitate that together"
"Ex, as you've pointed out ds is now an adult so I'll leave it to you two to communicate and facilitate visits. See you as ds wedding!"

Done and block. Your job is done

My big fear has always been that he’ll persuade Ds to go and live with him if I rock the boat. Money talks and all that.

Your son is nearly an adult. You can't spend the next 18 years placating your ex through fear of that

Trust your son to make the right decisions regarding his father. As long as he knows he always has a home with you even if he did move briefly how long do you think it would be before his father drove him away?

Why don’t you show your DS the text where his father calls him ‘your son’? And not ‘our’.

Your DS is almost 18, an adult. He can deal with his father going forward. It’s not for you to manage.

Is it really the end of the world if your DS decides to leave home and live with his Dad for a while?

You know that you will make the effort to communicate with your son, you know he will want to come visit etc.

He could well have been off to uni had things been different! Have confidence that your parenting has been good enough that he will make the right choices.

@RandomMess

Is it really the end of the world if your DS decides to leave home and live with his Dad for a while?

You know that you will make the effort to communicate with your son, you know he will want to come visit etc.

He could well have been off to uni had things been different! Have confidence that your parenting has been good enough that he will make the right choices.

I honestly don’t think I’d see Ds again if he did that.

His father would make it difficult (even though he’s soon to be 18) and will fill his head with all sorts. And Ds is lazy. He wouldn’t see me off his own back just like he can’t be bothered to see his dad.

Every time Ds sees him he will come home and be really off with me. A few days later he will ask me why I did such and such when he was little - all news to me, it’s things that ex h will have twisted or just plain made up. Ds has it in his head that I’m a liar - ex h has put that there over the years and so has his family.

Ds used to come home and tell me all the nasty things that were said about me, ex h used to gloat that ds would laugh along with him and his family while they slagged me off, called me thick etc when I pulled him up on it.

That Ds would make fun of my heritage with them (I’m not white, they are and you’d never know that Ds was mixed race he takes after his dads colouring). That broke my heart that Ds was doing that but I never took it out on him. It must have been difficult when they were all doing it. I often wonder if he still does it now but I have to put that to the back of my mind as it would ruin my relationship with Ds. It’s hurtful.

The level of hatred ex h has for me is just astounding.

So that’s always been my worry.

😢

Sadly this is why you need to tell the truth to DC as they are growing up in an age appropriate way. To teach critical thinking "why do you think Dad said that about me" etc help them question why one parent is mean about the other.

"Why do you think Dad has said nasty things about me?"

"Do you think that sounds like the kind of thing I would have done/said?"

"How did it make you feel when granny said that/laughed along with Daddy?"

"Do you think when Daddy says I am stupid that he's right?"

You don't say it expecting the "right" answer, it admitting abusive parent is horrid. You have these conversations so they develop their sense of who they believe and trust and to believe and trust in their own gut feelings.

I just tell myself that maybe he’s unhappy in his own life and I’m just a convenient punch bag

I don't think there's any maybe about it. What a state his head must be, how angry and bitter. Thank goodness you don't have to suffer him daily but it must have been so draining for you.

It‘a always been so hard though as it’s so ingrained in Ds that I’m this thick liar. He’s got so many people on his fathers side who really dislike me (even the ones who have never met me!) and it feels like it’s just me against all of them.

I’ve tried to have those conversations with him. He always says “because you lie”. Or he shuts down and won’t speak about it.

Even when he was small. It hurt me so much.

It hurts so much to think that’s what my son actually thinks of me deep down.

Omg def block him. Win win. One you never have to communicate with him again and two your son won't be poisoned with the filth coming out his mouth.

Your son is nearly 18, no way should be arranging the visits!! And if he can't be bothered, even better!

Your son in an adult. Leave them to it, stop babying him.

There is no need at all for you to communicate.

Your son is nearly 18. The sad fact is that you need to let him go and learn for himself what his father and that side of the family are like.

He will likely come to realise that they are racist, abusive arseholes and return to the fold, but he may not. I would highly recommend that you continue to love him, but drop the rope, let him learn for himself and now focus on your smaller children. If, sadly, your son turns out to be just like him father and father's family, you will eventually need to distance yourself for self protection. Give him time and space to hopefully figure it out for himself.

Have you tried to build pride in him, in his mixed heritage? I would bet there will be an element of father induced self-hatred involved.

I certainly would never facilitate him meeting his dad again with your last post.
Just block him and revel in the peace.
Your ds might be lazy but tbh if he ever came out with that rubbish again as an adult I'd sit him down and show him the messages you've been sent over the years, the crap you've put up with just so he can have a relate with his dad. Tell him you love him but his dad lies and manipulates, that you've never put his dad down and this is the last time he speaks to you like that.
Or you'll end up with a mini ex, don't let anyone speak to you badly, even family.