Help me rise above Ex h jibes over child maintenance

[Wilburgh]

I’m not having the greatest time at the moment. Tough pregnancy, elderly and difficult relative with cancer. I’m not in the best of moods.

Ds turns 18 in September. He had one more year of college to go but found last year tough. He was pushed into a course he didn’t want to do but there wasn’t much else choice wise, he was miserable.

He’s decided to work for a year or two. Luckily the company that Dh works for had some data entry positions, Ds applied and got one. So now he’ll have some breathing space to figure out what he wants to do, Maybe return to education next year. It’s thinking time anyway.

He told his dad, my ex h. We split when Ds was 6, he’s hated me ever since. Uses every opportunity to be snarky and to try and get one over on me. I’m usually very good at giving no reaction.

He does pay maintenance but it’s nothing like what he should be paying given his wage - he tells me tales of woe but he’s very high up in a large company, always has been since we were together and a quick google tells you his job title, so I don’t know why he feels the need to lie (aside from money) But you know what, he’s made my life miserable enough over the years that I’ve let it Go.

Received this text this morning “seeing a Ds has decided to forgo his education the money I paid you last week will be the last payment you will get as he’s no longer in full time education. Good luck supporting your own child from now on”

For fucks sake. He’s been such a twat over the years.

I’m not replying.

I would like to reply with “oh, shut up you cunt” but I won’t.

@Fandajji

Thank god for that. This message is 12 years overdue - oh do fuck off you complete cunt. Love Wilburgh x

And then I'd block him.

i would absolutely send this! ^^

and then once read, block!

OP, block the prick. Your DS is 18, he can communicate directly with his sperm donor. I've been through similar with ex-h and still am. They really are insufferable dickheads. I can't wait til I can tell him to go and stick his pittance up his arse.

I think the shut up you cunt message is the perfect response!

Maybe your son is crap at communicating with his Dad because secretly he wants contact to stop.

I would have an honest conversation with your son now and ask about contact.

And no I wouldn't reply to his message. He clearly hasn't ever moved on. If he didn't have unresolved feelings toward you then he wouldn't treat you this way. I don't mean he still loves you but the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

Do be careful, until he is 18 he can’t just work unless it is an official traineeship or apprenticeship. The company shouldn’t be taking him on.

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

@Devlocopop

You are so right. People think the opposite of love is hate but as you said it's indifference.

I would respond:

"It was a pleasure doing business with you. All the very best with your future endeavours."

It'll do his head in.

[quote trinity0097]Do be careful, until he is 18 he can’t just work unless it is an official traineeship or apprenticeship. The company shouldn’t be taking him on.

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school[/quote]
He turns 18 first week in September.

They are creating the extra data entry jobs for the second week in sept so he will be fine to start then.

It’s actually only 20 hours a week as he still has to retake a GCSE so will have to go to college for lessons.

But it’s still time away from the course he wasn’t happy on and a chance to finally just concentrate on the gcse he couldn’t pass but needs to.

@Devlocopop

Maybe your son is crap at communicating with his Dad because secretly he wants contact to stop.

I would have an honest conversation with your son now and ask about contact.

And no I wouldn't reply to his message. He clearly hasn't ever moved on. If he didn't have unresolved feelings toward you then he wouldn't treat you this way. I don't mean he still loves you but the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

No, he does love his dad. He doesn’t push to visit though as they don’t have much in common and his dad is always trying to push him to be someone he isn’t.

But he does realise his dad can be quite odd at times and he makes it very clear that he’s disappointed in the way he’s turned out (not academic). It’s very sad. He can’t see the good things about Ds. He’s a really lovely person, kind and thoughtful. But it’s all about achievement for his dad and being able to show off what his son is doing - he can’t do that to the level of his friends/family and their high achieving children.

At least he has my shitty parenting to fall back on as an excuse I guess.

I’ve not responded to the first text but I did get this text this morning:

“? Did you get my last message?”

I just replied “yes, no problem!”

Ugh.

I would love to know why he hates me so much still. It’s draining. Everything has to be a dig. Everything. He’s so condescending.

I just tell myself that maybe he’s unhappy in his own life and I’m just a convenient punch bag.

Legally DC can still leave school at 16!!! If you read carefully education to 18 is not compulsory.

Of course DS loves his Dad but you need to leave it up to them now to communicate. Sure DS can ask you to facilitate contact "is there a weekend in September you could take me to meet up with Dad" but please stop arranging it.

Also DS needs to pay for petrol or travel, he's a working adult!

He will be gutted at your response

I think that was a great response. Doesn’t give him anything he was looking for. He’ll be feeling very pissed off right now I’m sure!

Now block!

That means when he decides he wants to see DS he will be forced to actually communicate with him and put effort into building a relationship. At the moment he sits back and gets you to do it and blames you for everything.

I know part of it has to do with the fact that I’m pregnant. He got worse when I was pregnant with my last child (my first child with Dh).

He remarried someone with three very young children and I know they wanted to have a child together but had problems and couldn’t (he likes to over share everything for some bizzare reason, I was always ), so the venom does ramp up when I am pregnant. Which to an extent I do understand as it must be difficult.

He doesn't need your pity.

Do you think you will stop arranging visits between them?

@TenCornMaidens I want to keep things as civil as possible for now. Until my baby is born at least as I can’t take anymore stress.

But I will address that in the next couple of months.

I know it will start a barrage of crap from him and I’ve got so much worry at the moment.

I’d send it. And then block. Your son is now an adult. There’s no reason for communication to continue.

You deserve to be free of such a cunt

Block him now. Your DS is old enough to make his own arrangements to visit.

Text back I’m freeeeeeee with a big smiley face. Then block him and never speak to him again.

I'd forward his message to you to everyone he knows ( assuming you have their details).
Then block him.
It's appalling how some men think it's OK not to support their own children. It speaks volumes about their ego and lack of integrity. I don't think you should pretend this is OK, or hide it from the world. He has no hold over you now.

I had exactly same thing
The minute my dd turned 18 he took great delight in telling me that was the last maintenance payment,
My kids have an ok relationship at 32 and 30 with him albeit he announced a few years ago he wasn’t ‘ doing ‘ birthday or Xmas presents anymore !
Makes my blood boil and I can’t tell u how much crying I’ve done over his shitty behaviour over the years ... but hold your head high and silently think fuck you

@DelphiniumBlue

I'd forward his message to you to everyone he knows ( assuming you have their details). Then block him. It's appalling how some men think it's OK not to support their own children. It speaks volumes about their ego and lack of integrity. I don't think you should pretend this is OK, or hide it from the world. He has no hold over you now.

Sadly I don’t know anyone he would anymore!

You’d think he was giving me the Crown Jewels.

It was £200 a month.

£200 a month out of a six figure salary and yearly bonus enough to buy a small flat.

I didn’t chase him for more or go through the CMS as I didn’t want the fight. And to be honest, if he’s had me beholden to £200 a month like this, imagine how he would have reacted to five times that amount? It just wasn’t worth it to me.

How would blocking him start a barrage of crap? Just block his number, block his wife's number, block his emails. You don't have to tolerate being spoken to like shit just because it might be awkward in 15 years when your DS gets married. Your DS might never get married! He might not even invite his dad.

Prioritise your own tranquility and block him. If your DS wants to see him he'll arrange it. If he doesnt, he won't.

RandomMess

Now block!

That means when he decides he wants to see DS he will be forced to actually communicate with him and put effort into building a relationship. At the moment he sits back and gets you to do it and blames you for everything.

This post ^ is right. The more involved you are the more your ex can convince himself that everything is your fault. Remove yourself from the equation entirely and, without you there as an effigy of blame, your ex will be forced to see the truth about the life his bitterness has built.