How can I get DS to like my partner of 2 years?

[DeadCity]

Just that, really. DS is 13. He briefly liked my partner when he didn’t know we were “together”. At the start, he sometimes came out to meals with us plus 1 or 2 of his kids, even though he didn’t really enjoy the events. So I respected this and let him stop attending. We stopped trying to blend the families. Partner was sometimes staying at my house and DS hated that, so I also stopped partner being there when DS was there.

Now it’s been over 2 years and DS still doesn’t like my partner. In fact, he seems to dislike him more and more. He says he’s weird (because he lives on a boat some of the time), that he eats weirdly, that his table manners are bad, even that he breathes weirdly. Maybe there’s some truth in some of this, but I’m tolerant of these things: he’s also kind, patient, fun, loyal, and understanding.

I feel so sad my DS is missing out on so many fun times. Partner is a great dad to his own kids, and would like to strike up some sort of relationship with my son - to take him fishing, or out taking photos, or canoeing, or cycling - but son refuses.

It also means we can’t go on holiday together. I’ve respected son’s needs but it’s painful when son has (low level) accepted my ex-H’s partner, but won’t accept mine. TBF, ex has forced it a bit - makes them all eat together, play cards, etc. and son complains to me, so I’ve respected what son says and not forced my partner on him.

How do I make my son accept my partner more? My other child, a bit older, has grown to like him, although they’ve not spent much time together because I’m busy keeping my partner separate from my children. As the relationship gets more serious, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep them separate, and it feels like I am living 2 separate lives. Am I doing the right thing?

Any tips?

You’ve posted this before?

Yes you've posted this before and were told to put your ds first. I doubt the responses will be any different this time.

My previous post was about my unhappiness following the divorce.
The DS issue came up, and I am asking specifically about that now.

How do I make my son accept my partner more?

This is the wrong question to be asking.

Don’t force him on your ds. Best case as he gets older he tolerates him and maybe does a few things together. Worst case you push this and when his old enough he just cuts you off/moves in with dad.

Your ds sounds quite rude and bratty... Ultimately dc come first but what about in a few years when your ds is a fully fledged teen and will undoubtedly spend little time at home. Are dps supposed to sit twiddling thumbs awaiting the return of prodigal dc? You are entitled to a private life without ensuring criticism of a perfectly acceptable bf...
Yanbu to have higher expectations of your dc...
Imo.

@cuntryclub

How do I make my son accept my partner more?

This is the wrong question to be asking.

What would be the right question, do you think?

How can I accept that my son doesn't like my partner?

This ^

@OneForMeToo

Don’t force him on your ds. Best case as he gets older he tolerates him and maybe does a few things together. Worst case you push this and when his old enough he just cuts you off/moves in with dad.

Thank you, OneForMeToo He has sometimes said, during arguments, that if I were to move the partner in, he would ask to live with his father. It’s just so stressful to live with. I asked if he expects me to be single forever, and he said that would be preferable

@teaflake

How can I accept that my son doesn't like my partner?

Thanks... that’s helpful.

Ok. So how do I accept this?
Think I’ve done a fairly good job so far by stopping any meetings together, and only seeing partner when DS is not there. I guess continue like this? Hmm

@DeadCity

OP don’t force this- you’ll push your son away. My mother did something very similar when I was in my teens and it took me YEARS to forgive her- particularly after this man drove my mother to a literal nervous breakdown, broke up with her and left me at 16 to pick up the pieces. But it’s never left me, how much my mum was willing to sacrifice my happiness as a teenager so that we could all play happy families.

Leave it, is my advice. Have your relationship, keep it separate from your son, and sit him down to let him know you respect his wishes and you don’t expect him to treat your boyfriend differently to how he would treat any other of your friends.

And then - leave it.

@Campingintheraintoday

Your ds sounds quite rude and bratty... Ultimately dc come first but what about in a few years when your ds is a fully fledged teen and will undoubtedly spend little time at home. Are dps supposed to sit twiddling thumbs awaiting the return of prodigal dc? You are entitled to a private life without ensuring criticism of a perfectly acceptable bf... Yanbu to have higher expectations of your dc... Imo.

Yes, Camping I am upset that my DS is so critical. I know that parents should put their children first, and throughout the divorce I did this at all times. However, he has been quite rude and entitled about the partner stuff. I’ve chosen to ignore it and to still act in favour of my son. But it’s tough. I want to move on with my life. I don’t like being by myself while DS plays on his pc for large chunks of time. Yet when I’ve asked my DS, he says he’d prefer me to be single. It can’t be right to be dictated to by a 13 yr old. Equally, I’m his mum and part of that is keeping him supported. Argh.

Thank you, Northern. I was hoping to hear from people who have been in my DS’s position.

Im sorry this was forced on you, and I would hate to push my son away. You poor thing.
I’d never thought of it like that before - sacrificing DS’s happiness to play happy families. I see your point.

OK. Maybe the best continuation is to keep the relationship separate from my son.

Interesting you say that I should tell him that I respect his wishes and don’t expect him to treat my partner differently to how he would treat any of my friends. He’s pretty disparaging about them, too, and I do feel I can’t have them over when he is there. That’s an interesting point. My kids and my friends tend not to mingle. Hmm.

Sorry - the above was for @SickOfNorthernExile

My mother did something very similar when I was in my teens and it took me YEARS to forgive her- particularly after this man drove my mother to a literal nervous breakdown, broke up with her and left me at 16 to pick up the pieces

But this is nothing remotely like the relationship OP has described. Of course you would have been resentful of this man for making your mum miserable, but if he was perfectly nice except for “breathing weird” and living on a boat, you’d have been very unreasonable to hold a grudge against them both for years.

FWIW Deadcity I don’t spend much time with my DP’s kids. I’ve never been anything but nice to them, but for whatever reason, they’ve never really taken to me, and get very territorial over their dad even after 8 years!! So it is possible for me to maintain a relationship with him, without having to be a step mum to them, but it has meant having to let go of any notion of a blended family or a shared home with him.

It sounds like your DS would have taken against anyone, it’s nothing personal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to be involved with your DP - as a PP has said, in a couple of years when your DS is self sufficient and off out, are you supposed to just sit there on your own waiting for him to come home?!

If you’re serious about your DP you need to sit down with your DS and explain to him that he doesn’t get to dictate who you’re friends with or in a relationship, any more than you’d get involved and tell him who he can/can’t spend his free time with.

Teaching him that the world doesn’t revolve around him and that sometimes you have to suck it up and be polite to people who aren’t your type of people will do him a huge favour in the long run.

All those Mners who bang on about putting the DCs first (because god forbid they might have to spend an afternoon watching tv with someone who they haven’t specifically chosen), those kids are going to grow up thinking they can dictate what happens in other people’s lives - and be very disappointed when they realise it doesn’t work like that. Kids need to learn resilience and patience, tolerance and compromise. How do they learn any of those if they can just say “I don’t like the way he chews his food” and their mum says “ok darling, I’ll dump him ASAP and we can go back to being just the two of us”?!

You can't is the short answer. 13 year olds don't want to spend time with people they find a bit embarrassing, or weird. I wouldn't push it on him either. He's old enough to stay at home alone when you are out for a meal etc.
Ultimately, if there is no real reason for your DS to dislike your partner, and he is nice to your DS, I would still have him to stay over etc, just don't force D's to spend time with him too much.

I don’t think you can make your son like your partner. From what you’ve said he finds him irritating, that is unlikely to change.

However what you can do is get your son used to the idea that there will be lots of people in his life that he finds a bit irritating, but you still have to be civil to them. I wasn’t very keen on the partner my mother had after she and my father separated, but I managed to get on with it. There was nothing wrong with him (my advice would be completely different if your partner was being unpleasant to your or your son!), we were just very different people. But we both loved my mum, so we put our difference aside (most of the time ) and got along.

I wouldn’t suggest moving him in if your son doesn’t like him (your son is a child and this is his home) but I don’t think it’s fair for him to never come over while your son is there just because your son thinks he’s annoying and he’d rather you stayed single forever. If it was a female friend that your son found irritating because she “breathes weirdly” would you just never invite her over? It’s quite an unpopular opinion on here, but as far as I’m concerned you are entitled to a life too!

Maybe your ds feels disloyal to his df if he appears to have accepted another df figure? Time for a serious chat.
My dc love my now dh to bits. Their df is a diabolical disappointment to them and they are nc with him. Your ds at least needs to listen to your feelings.

Interesting you say that I should tell him that I respect his wishes and don’t expect him to treat my partner differently to how he would treat any of my friends. He’s pretty disparaging about them, too, and I do feel I can’t have them over when he is there. That’s an interesting point. My kids and my friends tend not to mingle. Hmm.

Your son isn’t come across brilliantly here. Is he unpleasant to/about lots of people, or just the ones that are linked to you?

Sorry to be doom monger but it will get worse we get on as well with our 14 year old as you can with that age and we do the odd walk meal or tennis game but we a very poor second to friends now...

You suggest above that you were at one point (when your DS still sometimes ate out with your partner and his children) considering moving your partner in and blending your families.

I assume one thing on your DS’s mind which possibly keeps him harping on the negatives of your partner and making his dislike plain, is that he may fear that if he softens at all, moving in your partner and his children will be on the table again.

Does that sound possible?

tell him that I respect his wishes and don’t expect him to treat my partner differently to how he would treat any of my friends. He’s pretty disparaging about them, too, and I do feel I can’t have them over when he is there. That’s an interesting point. My kids and my friends tend not to mingle. Hmm.

Can't believe you feel you can't have friends over when your son is there ?

Thank you, MarkRuffaloCrumble

True, my situation is different to PP’s. Partner makes me feel good and we have fun times together. Nothing for DS to be resentful of... but he says it panics him to see us together.

Thank you for sharing your situation. That sounds a bit like I am with his kids. They are grown up, so we don’t spend that much time together, although I get on particularly well with one of his DCs, I am not in the conventional step mum role. Yes, I think we’ve had to let go of the idea of blending the families. Having said that, some of our DCs get along well and are friendly when they see each other around. Easier that it’s not forced.

Hmm my DS, though...Yes, he has been able to articulate to me that it’s not personal to my partner.

Ok. I will think about sitting down with son and making it clear that he can’t dictate my friends or relationships. I have a horrible feeling that some of this is a son problem, too. He recently asked me to change my social media profile pic for one that won’t embarrass him. I get it that teens are self conscious, but I’m concerned about the level of authority that I am letting him have.

To some extent, maybe he needs to be taught to suck it up and be polite - good point. It’s tough on MN. I can say, hand on heart, that I put my kids first during the divorce, but on some level they also need to give me some space now. Maybe my expectations are too high for a 13 yr old, but he’s a smart boy, he should be able to figure some of it out. Like you say, to some extent some resilience, compassion, and compromise, need to be learnt. Thanks!

@Campingintheraintoday

Maybe your ds feels disloyal to his df if he appears to have accepted another df figure? Time for a serious chat. My dc love my now dh to bits. Their df is a diabolical disappointment to them and they are nc with him. Your ds at least needs to listen to your feelings.

Thanks for this, Camping. We talked about feeling disloyal and DS said no, that’s not the case, but that he already has his dad and doesn’t want my partner to be a part of his life. I must admit, I do feel DS isn’t listening to my feelings on the matter...