How can I get DS to like my partner of 2 years?

[DeadCity]

Just that, really. DS is 13. He briefly liked my partner when he didn’t know we were “together”. At the start, he sometimes came out to meals with us plus 1 or 2 of his kids, even though he didn’t really enjoy the events. So I respected this and let him stop attending. We stopped trying to blend the families. Partner was sometimes staying at my house and DS hated that, so I also stopped partner being there when DS was there.

Now it’s been over 2 years and DS still doesn’t like my partner. In fact, he seems to dislike him more and more. He says he’s weird (because he lives on a boat some of the time), that he eats weirdly, that his table manners are bad, even that he breathes weirdly. Maybe there’s some truth in some of this, but I’m tolerant of these things: he’s also kind, patient, fun, loyal, and understanding.

I feel so sad my DS is missing out on so many fun times. Partner is a great dad to his own kids, and would like to strike up some sort of relationship with my son - to take him fishing, or out taking photos, or canoeing, or cycling - but son refuses.

It also means we can’t go on holiday together. I’ve respected son’s needs but it’s painful when son has (low level) accepted my ex-H’s partner, but won’t accept mine. TBF, ex has forced it a bit - makes them all eat together, play cards, etc. and son complains to me, so I’ve respected what son says and not forced my partner on him.

How do I make my son accept my partner more? My other child, a bit older, has grown to like him, although they’ve not spent much time together because I’m busy keeping my partner separate from my children. As the relationship gets more serious, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep them separate, and it feels like I am living 2 separate lives. Am I doing the right thing?

Any tips?

@OneForMeToo

My old friend had two sons. A ex dh and had lived as a single parent for many years. She met a new man and moved in him and the oldest moved to his dads not long after. she had a baby with the new man moved house etc, not even a year later the then middle child left and moved to his dads. She only sees the older two once or twice a year now when her new dh is not around as they won’t be near him which means the youngest sibling also barely knows his brothers.

That’s the short version. We all warned her what was slowly happening the things we could see that she didn’t. To her he was amazing, we however could see all the little niggles and power plays between her sons and her new man.

Blended families always seem to work for the adults blending but not often for the children forced to take part.

Thanks One, Blended doesn’t always work, but I’m not proposing we do “blend”. My partner’s kids are all older and have left home. He and I have no intention of having any more children. It’s more about how we live together next.

I have a 13yo son and a single parent. He's mortified that I'm breathing never mind the possibility of future partners. Imo the best that you can hope for right now is low level tolerating. If your son is anything like mine he'd rather tidy his room than hang out with adults. I suspect that his father knows this but goes through the charade of time together so he can enjoy himself and hope that his son will look back and realise that he was doing his best by trying.

The bit that I'd be concerned about is the disparaging remarks about your friends and partner. I'm assuming that you don't slag off his friends or interfere there so I can't help but wonder why he's so critical? Is he ever complimentary about people? When he's being negative he might sometimes need reminding to respect your choice of friends/partner.

I'm in a similar position but DS is just coming out the other side (he's 16). Wouldn't accept DP for a long time, thought he was weird, refused to see him etc. He's just recently started being a lot better.
I think some of it is just being 13, they want to be in control of their lives and are painfully embarassed of any perceived "weirdness". All adults are weird, but with their parents they are used to it. New adults like DP - just cringe.

But also with my DS he was holding on to the memory of his happy childhood with 2 parents who loved him and blamed DP for getting in the way of him having that. Once we had an in depth conversation about the whys and wherefores of why me and his dad split, and he could understand how that happened and that it wasn't anyone's fault, he really has calmed down about it. Almost like he can see DP is nothing to do with me not being with his dad. Dont think exH helped in this regard as he has told the kids separation was my decision and he would take me back, while not acknowledging I had good reason to leave.

I never really pushed DS to meet dp after a disastrous start but it has happened naturally. Actually the turning point was a family holiday - DS had the option of going somewhere fun with DP or boring time at home while exH was working. Chose to come and started to realise DP DP isn't that bad

OhYeahYouSuck Thank you for this helpful post and I’m sorry you’ve been in a similar situation. You put your foot down with your DS... It sounds like it really worked out well.
Yes, I’m sure my DS would actually like him, and that it’s like he’s forcing himself to think otherwise. We’ve talked about feelings of disloyalty to his dad - even my ex has talked to him! It’s really tough and I feel torn.

netflixismysidehustle Thank you. Yes, I wonder how much of it is being 13yo and embarrassed about everything. I can relate! Yes, he barely hangs out with adults anyway. Yes... I need to have a word about his opinions about my friends. Will think about a chat soon...

I really think it's common for 13 year olds not to like many adults. In primary school my kids adored their teacher but now they think that most adults are weird

I think you need to wait it out and have gentle boundaries. Say something like "X will be staying Friday nights. You don't need to hang out with us but are expected to eat and clear up with us" I think that you can't move in yet but you shouldn't be banning your friends and oh staying at the house.

I would start working on the issue with your friends rather than partner. Invite friends round and if he is unkind about them, tell him it’s not ok and how would he like it if he could never have friends round or if you were mean about them all the time?

Establish sone friends presence in your home from time to time (and DS may even like some of them if he’s strongly encouraged to give them a chance!). And limit DS’s control over you in other areas without initially addressing the DP issue and take it from there. I’d also not allow any mean talking about DP (“he’s a weirdo” etc) and would say “that’s absolutely not how we speak about people in this house. I don’t call your friends weirdos so I expect the same courtesy” then end the conversation.

I wonder if a strong promise to your DS that you will not move in with DP till he is 18 (or whatever age you deem appropriate) would help him relax a little that the odd meeting wouldn’t lead to full on blended family.

It sounds like his anxiety at the split has manifested in controlling you. I understand as my DS can be a little similar although younger. It’s understandable but doesn’t mean it shouldn’t or can’t be worked on gently - that will be in DS’s interest as well as your own.

QuentinWinters I envy you, with DS coming out the other side...I wonder how much of it is just being 13 and wanting control of his life...

Interesting point about memories. My DS sometimes talks like this about the old life. He knows my partner was in no way connected to that, but I think it won’t do any harm to remind him of why the divorce happened. Yes, at the start my ex told them that the divorce was my decision, so maybe implicitly he is still thinking that.

Interesting your turning point was a holiday, as I wanted to invite my DS on a trip with my partner. I just know he would have fun but already know what the answer will be...

Do you host sleepovers with your ds friends and allow them round to hang out normally? If so he should be treating your friends with the same respect that you show his friends.

I think it's unreasonable of you to involve a partner this much at this stage, while your son is still quite young. You have every right to go out with your new partner, but involving him in home life is not nice or fair for your DS. He should feel comfortable in his home- sometimes you just don't gel with another person and that's all there is to it...to be forced to live with them will cause all sorts of issues.

My mum moved her new boyfriend into our home while I was at uni. I'm very resentful and haven't gotten over it. I feel like my home has been invaded. Don't do the same thing.

The thing that you may have to accept is that they may never really get on, but as long as they are civil, that's fine. A friend of mine was about the same, though a lot more polite, but they don't have anything more than a civil relationship now that they are adults. He did try, but she didn't want another father figure and he eventually accepted that. She will pop in for a cup of tea, but wouldn't go if her mother isn't there and has never wanted to go on family holidays together.

I wouldn't be going for acceptance even at this point, just an expectation of him being polite. He doesn't get to be rude to people you bring into the house, whatever his feelings. I think just explain you have no plans to move in together at the moment and maybe try to keep your relationship as separate as possible. Many teens at this age are mortified by anything different so he may well thaw in time.

That should be, now that she is an adult - they was because her sibling is very much the same.

Thanks Catloving but I’m not talking about moving my partner in. Rather, I wish I could have him round my house for dinners and the occasional overnight stay in the weeks I have my DCs. I agree with you, the feeling of having one’s space taken over is not good at all.

I agree a lot of your son’s behaviour seems selfish but at 13 he is still super young.

Do you think he’s testing pushing you away/being difficult to see if you’ll still put him first? I wonder if going to a relationship counsellor together might show him that you do very much respect and value his feelings; but you also need this situation to change in a way he can support.

I sympathise with you both. My mum introduced her new partner by having him over for a long awkward family meal and didn’t the next 3 years apologising for my existence to him (not saying you’re handling things this dreadfully!) I’m also a step mum and my DC have step parents. Everyone gets along most of the time but when there have been issues with the kids it’s really hard to see- although I would also caution my gut reaction is it’s ‘Because we’re a blended family’ when often I then talk to ppl with ‘out of the box’ families and they’re dealing with exactly the same!

@netflixismysidehustle

Do you host sleepovers with your ds friends and allow them round to hang out normally? If so he should be treating your friends with the same respect that you show his friends.

Good point. I will raise this next time.

I think you need to read between the lines with what your son is telling you. He clearly feels threatened after your divorce and is acting up. And he's 13 - I know in MN terms that's practically middle aged but it's actually very young

I'd be standing my ground re seeing your boyfriend and friends. He doesn't get to dictate to you about that. I'd also be reassuring him that there is no way you will be moving in with your boyfriend - be really clear on this, not a wishy washy ' we have no plans yet and will let you know if we do.' Emphatically tell him it won't be happening. He's had rather a lot of change on the past couple of years hasn't he?

I agree with what others have said, he can’t tell you who you are friends with and who you have over for dinner. I think you need to talk to him more about the ‘panic’ he feels when he sees you together. Try to unpick that a bit. So be empathetic about his worries but also say he can’t decide who you have over. Friends too. He is too young to have that kind of power over you. Children need to feel that the adults are in charge. And he seems to feel that he is in charge.

Your reply to my previous was really thoughtful OP, thank you.

I think having heard more that your DS has wider issues than with your partner... this definitely sounds like wider attention/ control issues.

My 4 yo has a REALLY hard time accepting my relationships with other adults (friends, extended family etc). Im a LP and it’s always been just us- so I think it’s a possessiveness thing. Which I go to GREAT lengths to address and am trying to nip in the bud now.

I would still keep your relationship separate from your DS, but do address the rest. It’s not healthy for either of you.

@DeadCity

OhYeahYouSuck Thank you for this helpful post and I’m sorry you’ve been in a similar situation. You put your foot down with your DS... It sounds like it really worked out well. Yes, I’m sure my DS would actually like him, and that it’s like he’s forcing himself to think otherwise. We’ve talked about feelings of disloyalty to his dad - even my ex has talked to him! It’s really tough and I feel torn.

I did put my foot down, gently but firmly. I drew very clear lines that said I AM going to have a life outside of being mum and I'm not staying single until you are an adult. As much as it's not what DS would have chosen, I wasn't offering the choice. Children thrive on clear boundaries. I can see DS and DP's relationship starting to develop and it's really nice to see. DP also gives DS and I space every day to watch something together that we enjoy. DS really likes that as well as I know he values time with me. Sometimes I play on the xbox with him whilst DD is entertained by DP so he can see that there are positives and it means time with just us which he doesn't always get with his little sister around.

Well the short answer is you can't make ds like your partner. I've had the same situation with one of my DD's and I've just ended my relationship as a result. I'm really upset about it, but I can't put someone else before her. In another four or five years she will have grown up and gone and it might be different but for now she has to come first, however bratty she is being (and she is being).