How can I get DS to like my partner of 2 years?

[DeadCity]

Just that, really. DS is 13. He briefly liked my partner when he didn’t know we were “together”. At the start, he sometimes came out to meals with us plus 1 or 2 of his kids, even though he didn’t really enjoy the events. So I respected this and let him stop attending. We stopped trying to blend the families. Partner was sometimes staying at my house and DS hated that, so I also stopped partner being there when DS was there.

Now it’s been over 2 years and DS still doesn’t like my partner. In fact, he seems to dislike him more and more. He says he’s weird (because he lives on a boat some of the time), that he eats weirdly, that his table manners are bad, even that he breathes weirdly. Maybe there’s some truth in some of this, but I’m tolerant of these things: he’s also kind, patient, fun, loyal, and understanding.

I feel so sad my DS is missing out on so many fun times. Partner is a great dad to his own kids, and would like to strike up some sort of relationship with my son - to take him fishing, or out taking photos, or canoeing, or cycling - but son refuses.

It also means we can’t go on holiday together. I’ve respected son’s needs but it’s painful when son has (low level) accepted my ex-H’s partner, but won’t accept mine. TBF, ex has forced it a bit - makes them all eat together, play cards, etc. and son complains to me, so I’ve respected what son says and not forced my partner on him.

How do I make my son accept my partner more? My other child, a bit older, has grown to like him, although they’ve not spent much time together because I’m busy keeping my partner separate from my children. As the relationship gets more serious, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep them separate, and it feels like I am living 2 separate lives. Am I doing the right thing?

Any tips?

@HalfTermHalfTerm

Interesting you say that I should tell him that I respect his wishes and don’t expect him to treat my partner differently to how he would treat any of my friends. He’s pretty disparaging about them, too, and I do feel I can’t have them over when he is there. That’s an interesting point. My kids and my friends tend not to mingle. Hmm.

Your son isn’t come across brilliantly here. Is he unpleasant to/about lots of people, or just the ones that are linked to you?

I don’t know, but I agree... I’m concerned about his attitude, and I don’t know if actually, I have a ‘son’ problem more than a partner one...

@MsTSwift

Sorry to be doom monger but it will get worse we get on as well with our 14 year old as you can with that age and we do the odd walk meal or tennis game but we a very poor second to friends now...

Yes... I’m finding it very hard to get him to do anything with me. Clinging to our evening meals together, the odd walk, bit of banter in car on the way to dropping him off to meet his mates... I’m working very hard at keeping those moments going.

I would like to add op at 14 one of my ds's effectively dumped me due to the no rule zone of his df's house ...
A year later he acknowledged his behaviour had been disgusting and he went nc with df and came full time to live with me!! Teen boys ime are a breed of their own... Be patient.. Keep the bf and keep lines of communication open with ds but don't allow him to bully you - which he is doing with success! Your bf sounds like a keeper..
And you se like a good dm!! Don't wobble about that!

Thanks, Iminaglasscaseofemotion and
HalfTermHalfTerm

Yes... maybe time to accept that I can’t get DS to like partner. I am trying hard not to push it on him - yes, most recently I’ve managed it by letting so stay home alone while I meet my partner for a couple of hours here and there. Son says ge actually likes having the house to himself in those hours, so that works well, or I combine it with when DS is meeting friends.

There really is no reason for DS to dislike my partner. Yes, maybe I should get him more used to the idea of accepting people he finds irritating.

No - there’s no way I could move partner in! We briefly considered selling our homes to buy a bigger house together, but my DS was distraught at this idea.

Yes - I’m a bit cross about some of it. He has said similar about some of my other friends, and I’m embarrassed by his rudeness. It even feels like I can’t have them over. Hmm. Maybe I should work on this, too.

@Campingintheraintoday

I would like to add op at 14 one of my ds's effectively dumped me due to the no rule zone of his df's house ... A year later he acknowledged his behaviour had been disgusting and he went nc with df and came full time to live with me!! Teen boys ime are a breed of their own... Be patient.. Keep the bf and keep lines of communication open with ds but don't allow him to bully you - which he is doing with success! Your bf sounds like a keeper.. And you se like a good dm!! Don't wobble about that!

Thank you, Camping for your kind words! I strive to be a good mother, but it’s hard as yes, I do feel bullied by him. Gosh, you’ve been through the mill with yours! Teen boys are tough...

I could understand if it was just your partner because your DS might be feeling a bit jealous or something, but for him to act the same with some of your friends is really off tbh. I don't think I would tolerate that.

@HandbagDog

You suggest above that you were at one point (when your DS still sometimes ate out with your partner and his children) considering moving your partner in and blending your families.

I assume one thing on your DS’s mind which possibly keeps him harping on the negatives of your partner and making his dislike plain, is that he may fear that if he softens at all, moving in your partner and his children will be on the table again.

Does that sound possible?

We were considering selling our homes to buy somewhere together, rather than me moving my partner into my house. Yes, it’s possible that you are right - in my DS’s eyes, if he softens, there’s a “risk” that this plan could happen. He has often asked me for reassurance that I won’t just sell the house and move in with partner. I’ve explained that I wouldn’t make any big decisions without involving both DCs, nor would they be sudden decisions.

I would have used the same tactic as your oh tbh. There’s no need to force them upon each other (having days/meals out/activities together). But you’re letting your son completely dictate what you can and can’t do. You shouldn’t have allowed a 13 year old boy to ban your boyfriend from your house. It’s rude of him and silly of you to accept that your ds will not tolerate the mere presence of him. Your son is being a brat and you’ve allowed him to take control of the household. Of course he’s not going to accept your bf when you’ve allowed him to behave like this. Time to put your foot down op

My guess? When you and his dad were together, he was the most important person in your life.
Now he's seen his dad add other people into his life, hes not "the one and only" any more, so he's trying to keep you away from anyone who might become an important person to you, whether thats a partner or friends. I think thats where the "panic" feeling comes from, he thinks he'll be demoted with you and his dad.

Honestly, I'd think the only way around this is to insist that you are a person and get to have people in it who aren't him, but that that doesnt mean he'll become less important. He has to face that fear and see that he's not been forgotten and that life means things change.

Your dad made him socialise with his new partner and now hes accepted them to the point that "he'd just live there", you have to do that too.

@Campingintheraintoday

Your ds sounds quite rude and bratty... Ultimately dc come first but what about in a few years when your ds is a fully fledged teen and will undoubtedly spend little time at home. Are dps supposed to sit twiddling thumbs awaiting the return of prodigal dc? You are entitled to a private life without ensuring criticism of a perfectly acceptable bf... Yanbu to have higher expectations of your dc... Imo.

I agree

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I could understand if it was just your partner because your DS might be feeling a bit jealous or something, but for him to act the same with some of your friends is really off tbh. I don't think I would tolerate that.

I’ve only just noticed that it happens.., I’ve avoided having my friends over when he’s there, because he says ‘they’re weird’. Think I will have a chat about this later.

Thank you, Itsjustabitofbanter and StormTreader

My ex did put his foot down, yes. DS was crying to me about it, so I felt bad about using the same tactic.

I’m torn! On the one hand I want to protect my DS’s feelings. On the other, i feel bullied and dictated to, by my teen.

Yes, I suspect there is some truth in thinking that when ex and I were together, DS felt like he was the most important person in my life.
He was younger and more obliging, and because I was unhappy with ex, I spent a lot of time alone with the DCs. Yes, think he’s finding it hard to realise he’s not "the one and only" - this is true. I have given him so much reassurance that my love for him, as my son, is different and transcends my love for any partner. He was grateful to hear this, but it feels it doesn’t get us anywhere.
Honestly, I'd think the only way around this
To some extent, I do wonder if he has to face that fear. Or is that cruel? I am torn.

I think your ds seeing you behave like an adult and making your own choices - a good one in bf - is a good example to ds that you won't be bullied by him or anyone and can function as such. Bowing to his dictations isn't healthy for him. Adult relationships are just that-for adults. He is a dc and doesn't get to decide for you.
He needs to get over himself on this.
He isn't your dad and you aren't 12..

As someone who was the DC with a step dad forced on me. This is what I’d have liked my mum to do...
I would like her to have listened to my feelings. I wanted her to understand how I felt about the break up. And how it affected me and my life. I would want her to understand that me and stepdad just weren’t compatible as people and didn’t have a shared history and therefore he would never really know me.
I would like her to know that it upsets me that I never get to see her, just her, anymore. It’s always them. I still need my mum. Just my mum. I will never need a step dad. I have a dad and don’t need another.
I would also like her to know that I didn’t ask for any of this. And that I’m still aggrieved about my family being split up. I’m sad about it even if I can try and understand you weren’t happy.

I’d want plenty of time with my family. With my mum. I want to make memories with my family and my mum.

I’m sorry I feel this way about step dad. But I just don’t have a need in my life for him and I don’t want the effort of having to pretend to be nice to someone I’m just not interested in.

I don’t know if that helps. That’s how I felt. I to this day don’t like my step dad. But he’s not an easy man to like.

@Campingintheraintoday

I think your ds seeing you behave like an adult and making your own choices - a good one in bf - is a good example to ds that you won't be bullied by him or anyone and can function as such. Bowing to his dictations isn't healthy for him. Adult relationships are just that-for adults. He is a dc and doesn't get to decide for you. He needs to get over himself on this. He isn't your dad and you aren't 12..

I’m stuck, Camping, as on the one hand I worry he’s bullying me, but having read the post after hours... maybe I should be more tolerant & to listen carefully as to why he doesn’t want my partner there

I’m torn! On the one hand I want to protect my DS’s feelings. On the other, i feel bullied and dictated to, by my teen

If he’s dictating to you, you have a choice to make. Do you want him to grow up into someone who dictates and bullies people and expects them to give in, or someone who knows that bullying and dictating gets shut down, and that he realises he’s not the boss of you, or any future partners.

He’s working out who he is right now, and you can help to mould him into someone who is assertive, but not aggressive at getting his opinions heard. If he sees that stamping his foot and threatening to leave gets what he wants, this is a model he’ll go on to use in later life.

Emancipated Your post has made me cry.

Some of what you say has echoes of what my DS is saying to me... that’s really thought provoking. He tells me a lot how the break up has affected him. He doesn’t know if my partner and he are compatible or not, because he hasn’t given him a chance. For instance, I know they both have a shared love of photography and fishing. But DS won’t allow any overlap. He gets plenty of chances to have me to himself, but it’s actually the opposite for us - when we are alone, he goes off to do his own thing.

But yes, son is still aggrieved about his family being split up, and is sad about it, yes.

Very helpful post. Thank you. I’m sorry about your sadness.

As someone who experienced this as a teen, I think you have to make it very clear that you understand his feelings. It is his home and you are not going to just move people in. You’re not going to expect any kind of ‘blended family’ activity. At the same time, you are allowed to have people over and expect him to be polite, as you are polite to his friends even if you don’t like them. He doesn’t have to do 1:1 activities with your partner, he just has to be polite to him. It’s your duty as a mother to teach him to tolerate in small amounts people who annoy him. Reassure him that this situation is not going to change, so if he softens it’s not going to lead to happy families.

I think it would be a fair compromise to have you partner to tea 2 nights a week.
I would have been embarrassed too at his age, to be around someone who was a bit odd and had poor table manners.
Can you imagine how you would feel if his best mate was there every day slopping food and chewing with his mouth open? It would be horrible 😂

Sorry but I cant believe your allowing your DS to dictate who you can and cant have in your home. A little shocked that you have allowed him to behave like that to the point you cant have a partner over or friends. Its time for you to stop allowing him to control your home. I wouldnt even bother with a conversation, you dont need to explain yourself to him. Start inviting your friends over and put your foot down if he is rude. You sound very passive

My old friend had two sons. A ex dh and had lived as a single parent for many years. She met a new man and moved in him and the oldest moved to his dads not long after. she had a baby with the new man moved house etc, not even a year later the then middle child left and moved to his dads. She only sees the older two once or twice a year now when her new dh is not around as they won’t be near him which means the youngest sibling also barely knows his brothers.

That’s the short version. We all warned her what was slowly happening the things we could see that she didn’t. To her he was amazing, we however could see all the little niggles and power plays between her sons and her new man.

Blended families always seem to work for the adults blending but not often for the children forced to take part.

I was/am in a similar situation with a similarly aged child.

DS always said he would never accept me being with anyone else so I knew he would find it difficult. I never ever allowed him to think he had that level of control over my life and I was very cleae that whilst he is my priority and is important, I'm an adult with my own life and want to do my own thing. He also told me he would prefer me to stay single. I was clear that wasn't going to happen. He also said he basically expected me to just be waiting for them to return from their dad's when I was at home. I was clear that wasn't going to happen and I have a life outside of 'mum'

I don't agree with MN take on this either that the child must always come 1st, 100%. Many children would like to not share their parent if you give them the choice. They shouldn't get to do that at all. It just makes them entitled and unpleasant. Unfortunately how your son is becoming.

I didn't bow down to what DS wanted. DP came over for tea sometimes and we gradually increased the amount of time he was around. I don't force DS to be around him when we are at home but we have had the odd day out where it has been non negotiable.

If I listen to DS, the words he says are that he doesn't like DP. But I watch how he acts and actually, I think he does like him but he's trying to force himself not to because he was always so adamant he didn't want to see me with anyone else. I also think he feels disloyal to his dad. I reiterated that noone is a replacement dad. DP is brilliant with my DCs which helps and gives DS a lot of space but is also very good with him when they are around each other and I just think over time he will come to accept it. This week they are working on a project together which DS will be paid for. It seems to be a good bonding process for him.

Stop letting your DS run your life. Be clear that you are not just mum and that in a few years he will be off with a life of his own and you will not be sat around lonely because you bowed to his whims. If he accepted his dad's partner, he can accept yours.

@Lollyneenah

I think it would be a fair compromise to have you partner to tea 2 nights a week. I would have been embarrassed too at his age, to be around someone who was a bit odd and had poor table manners. Can you imagine how you would feel if his best mate was there every day slopping food and chewing with his mouth open? It would be horrible 😂

The irony is that his best mate has very bad manners indeed . I might start initiating the 2 nights a week thing...

@sunflowersandtulips50

Sorry but I cant believe your allowing your DS to dictate who you can and cant have in your home. A little shocked that you have allowed him to behave like that to the point you cant have a partner over or friends. Its time for you to stop allowing him to control your home. I wouldnt even bother with a conversation, you dont need to explain yourself to him. Start inviting your friends over and put your foot down if he is rude. You sound very passive

To be fair, I’ve only just realised that I do this... i moderate my friends coming over so they don’t overlap. I’ve only been in the house 3 years, and it has been busy in that time, so there haven’t been so many friend-inviting opportunities, but yes, time for me to put my foot down, I think.

@Janeandthedragon

As someone who experienced this as a teen, I think you have to make it very clear that you understand his feelings. It is his home and you are not going to just move people in. You’re not going to expect any kind of ‘blended family’ activity. At the same time, you are allowed to have people over and expect him to be polite, as you are polite to his friends even if you don’t like them. He doesn’t have to do 1:1 activities with your partner, he just has to be polite to him. It’s your duty as a mother to teach him to tolerate in small amounts people who annoy him. Reassure him that this situation is not going to change, so if he softens it’s not going to lead to happy families.

Thank you, I think I need to reassure him, yes, that if he softens it won’t necessarily mean that they have to suddenly become best buddies. I’m pretty peeved that I can’t have my partner there, tbh.