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Original poster

I've had enough and it's just week 2 after ending my ML

64 replies

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 16:55

I'm working from home (42 net hours per week). I also have a 9 month old that's currently teething and who I have to look after while working. Occasionally I have to "look after" they're more or less self sufficient 3 older children. There's nothing to eat tonight and my partner gets stressed about the mess in the house (he does help BTW) but frankly with work and a baby I find it impossible to have any time left for any house work. I can only think that I haven't worked much today and the dishes are piling up.

Baby won't stop crying. I'm stressed, I'm tired . Didn't rest over the weekeend at all (tooth ache and having to stay up til 2am one night because of my partner).

No much point to this thread but I don't think this can be my new normal :(

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 20/07/2020 17:01

It doesn't sound sustainable long term. You need proper childcare.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:07

It was manageable with my first BUT I didn't have the added stress of older children. My exH didn't care about the state of the house so I never had to get stressed about it in that way.

OP posts:

mintich · 20/07/2020 17:09

How old are the older children?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families

Somethingorotherorother · 20/07/2020 17:11

This isn't going to work. You're also v unlikely to be allowed to continue once childcare is available again- pre-Covid, my employer stipulated that all WFH staff must have childcare for working hours, and i think that's pretty normal.

You need a nanny, nursery, or no job.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 20/07/2020 17:11

my partner gets stressed about the mess in the house

Then your partner can tidy up.

I don't think I could have worked from home with a baby around. In fact I know I couldn't work from home with my dc the age they are now (5, 11 and 14) without someone else there to look after them. You must be utterly fraught :(

Is no other childcare an option right now?

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:13

We're normally office based anyways. WFH was not encouraged but productivity seems higher. So it might stay anyways. I was not supposed to go back until much later but my manager asked me to go back ASAP. And yes we'll get a nursery space once they're available again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:16

No childcare is available ATM. We're also trying to make the most of it as my salary is fairly low. Nursery will take most of my salary unfortunately.

OP posts:

happytoday73 · 20/07/2020 17:20

No no no... This is not sustainable... Looking after house, a 9 month old and older children with no childcare... Full time job...
But you already have a full time job as well... With long hours...
I'm unclear on some things... Does your partner work full time? How old are the older children?
So somethings got to change....
You say your partner 'helps' ..erm no... If he has a full time job doing same hours as you he needs to do as EQUAL housework, tidying up, shopping, childcare and food prep.
... If the other children are old enough they need jobs to do...
Honestly I think you need childcare...

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:25

They're 8, 10 and 12. He works FT. Leaves at 7 comes back at 6. Completely exhausted as he cycles to and from work.

I think we more or less do equal amounts but it's hard to know as we don't seem to agree.

OP posts:

Soon2BeMumof3 · 20/07/2020 17:30

When exactly are you meant to be tidying according to your partner? During your work day which is already being encroached upon by your childcare responsibilities?

Unbelievable. Tell him if he cares so much he can do it.

WheresTheEvidence · 20/07/2020 17:31

You need childcare. How did you envision this when you got.pregant was dc going to cbildcaee or did you think you could do a 35 hour job during the 3 hours a.day that they napped?

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:33

I think the idea is that I could finish 6 hours of work between 730 and 6 which leaves some time to do bits here and there. Even if I wasn't expected to, he still gets stressed out about it. So if I can't do anything it just makes me more stressed.

OP posts:

Somethingorotherorother · 20/07/2020 17:34

@Fressia123 can you get in touch with the nursery you were planning to use when you went back and see if they can fit you in earlier? They'll have had a lot of people pull out due to Covid, we managed to get our DD in almost 6 months earlier than planned.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2020 17:39

What’s your partner doing all day?

I don’t know how you’re coping tbh, it sounds horrendous and untenable.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:41

He's working. He's out of the house for 11 hours.

OP posts:

BlusteryShowers · 20/07/2020 17:41

His tiredness doesn't trump yours. He gets to work in peace all day and get the cycling time to himself to de stress as well. He needs to appreciate your circumstances and either lower his standards or do more.

The mental load of all of that is more stressful than mess when he has had a break from it all day long.

RedOasis · 20/07/2020 17:44

Leave him on Saturday with the kids and an online task to do and see how he copes and maybe he won’t moan about the mess anymore.......

BlusteryShowers · 20/07/2020 17:44

FWIW my DH is a police officer and still says it's less stressful for him going to work than me dealing with 2 under three all day on my own, especially with Covid restrictions. He would never say I wasn't pulling my weight.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:44

Thanks Blustery you sum up perfectly well how I feel. He gets to work out when he cycles (which helps with mental well-being in general) . I can do 5 hours more or less before he gets here while fitting in most of a "normal day". So I think that should be my focus regardless so I can keep some sort of sanity.

OP posts:

LizzieMacQueen · 20/07/2020 17:45

As much as we should encourage the exercise, right now your partner needs to find a less tiring method of commuting. In time he can go back to something environmentally friendly but, not now.

Nicknacky · 20/07/2020 17:45

Who would have been looking after the older children if you are normally office based?

This isn’t sustainable.

BlusteryShowers · 20/07/2020 17:48

If I were you, honestly I'd be handing him the baby the minute he came home and going for a walk by myself to clear my head. Then tackling what needs doing together. Meals would be as simple as possible. Being at home is not the easiest option when there are children around as well.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 20/07/2020 17:49

Within lockdown? No idea. Normally they'd be at school in wraparound care. Unfortunately he works in a very remote place. He can't get there by public transport and can't drive at the moment. The cycling is here to stay (for a bit anyway).

OP posts:

Soon2BeMumof3 · 20/07/2020 17:50

Honestly, even if you did have childcare, it's not right that you are expected to be cleaning and tidying a family home during your work day. Your full focus should be on your paid work during your contracted hours.

You need to dramatically reset his expectations.

And yes, as per PP- how lovely for him to get to work in peace all day, cycle alone with his thoughts and then come home and judge your housekeeping abilities.

Somethingorotherorother · 20/07/2020 17:53

If your older kids are big enough to be unsupervised surely they can do the cleaning?

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