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Original poster

My mum has stopped taking care of herself and it’s really upsetting me

54 replies

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 15:45

I know everyone is not looking their best but this has been going on for a few years now.

My parents don’t have money problems. My dad is even getting annoyed/ frustrated with her. She seems very healthy (physically and emotionally) and was baffled when I asked her if she needed to see the gp.

She’s wearing a cheap pink mac and trainers I bought when my youngest was born and gave her to put into the charity shop three years ago. The mac is filthy, especially because it’s light. The soles of the trainers have even worn away. Same with trousers (she only wears the one pair) and tops. Everything’s old and completely worn. She’s also stopped wearing a bra.

I am ashamed of myself for saying it but I’m embarrassed. I’ve arranged shopping trips (she doesn’t buy anything), I’ve bought her things (she returns them).

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I want to help her. I want my mum back. She was never overly glam or everything but she was always nice looking.

OP posts:

Fatted · 15/07/2020 15:48

How is your mums mood in general? You mentioned she is her usual self physically and mentally? If that's true, then I think you just need to leave her alone. It's her choice to look that way, no matter how desperately you hate it. If she seems like she might be depressed, then I would suggest help.

HollowTalk · 15/07/2020 15:48

Could there be any chance she has early signs of dementia, OP?

sleepismysuperpower1 · 15/07/2020 15:48

Could you call the ageUK helpline and have a chat with them? It could be that she is depressed. They will be able to offer advice. all the best x

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Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 15:50

Hi you say this has been going on for a few years. Did something major happen in her life? Did she lose a parent or a sibling?

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 15:52

I don’t think she’s depressed. She seems cheerful and energetic. We (thank god) have had a very uneventful few years so nothing in that way...

OP posts:

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 15:54

I hadn’t thought about dementia but a great aunt had it and she seemed to start with forgetting times and directions. She struggled with money too.

Mum still seems very sharp.

I’m at such a loss.

OP posts:

Nosuchluck · 15/07/2020 15:56

Is she keeping herself clean?

Gingerkittykat · 15/07/2020 15:58

Is there any way it is a sensory thing? I am autistic and want to wear the same thing over and over again and will wear shoes till they are worn because it upsets me so much having to change.

(if it is you can normally find the same brand and size on Ebay so you can have the same thing in better condition!)

AIMD · 15/07/2020 15:59

Is she keeping the clothes clean or literally rewearing them even when they get dirty.

I agree with having a look at some of the other signs of dimensia. Seems odd she would suddenly start doing this when otherwise she seems fine.

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 15:59

Yes, she is hygienic, but does no more. She will wash her hair but not blow dry it any more. She used to wear a little make up but not any more.

OP posts:

overweightcat · 15/07/2020 15:59

Is she generally on top of her hygiene? No smell / greasy hair that type of thing?

Is it just the clothes?

Dozer · 15/07/2020 16:00

Have you asked her about it?

What does your dad think is going on?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2020 16:02

I know you've tried to buy her new things, but have you actually spoken to her about this?

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 16:02

The clothes are clean but so used (eg bleach stains, pen marks).

I haven’t a clue about autism or anything else. I just feel at such a loss.

OP posts:

Nosuchluck · 15/07/2020 16:03

Is her hair clean, does she smell?

Frozenfrogs86 · 15/07/2020 16:03

Reading all the things you think it isn’t - money/time/depression/dementia.....

Do you think she is just thinking “F**k it! I’m 60/70/whatever I don’t have to bother with this stuff any more!”

Could what’s bothering you be liberating for her?

ShinyFootball · 15/07/2020 16:04

If she's happy and energetic and clean then maybe she's just comfortable?

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 16:04

A few times I’ve tried to bring it up in a jokey way or to cheer her on while we’re out, but the last time I did it she was obviously really hurt and I felt like such a bitch. My dad has tried as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 16:07

I almost wish it was something.

I get being comfortable, I’m hardly a style icon myself. She just looks so bad. I’m ashamed of myself for being embarrassed too 🥺

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 15/07/2020 16:07

If she is keeping clean, seems with it and healthy then I don’t think there is much you can do. Maybe she’s actually just coming to a point where she doesn’t care about these things so much anymore. Not everyone wants to wear a bra or make up. It’s hard for you if this is a new thing but try and focus on enjoying your mum for who she is, not who you want her to be.

PerfidiousAlbion · 15/07/2020 16:07

This happened to my mother in the initial stages of Alzheimer’s Disease.

She was so intelligent and articulate that she managed to cover it up for years with my dad’s help.

When asked, she couldnt offer any explanation as to why she wanted to wear old, worn out clothes when she had newer ones. We suspect dhe had high functioning Autism (Aspergers, as was) and it was a sensory issue.

Have you asked her about it or spoken to your father?

ekidmxcl · 15/07/2020 16:08

I don’t think this is such a problem. If she is happy and the clothing is not unhygienic, then it sounds ok to me. Some people love to get around in comfortable old clothes and aren’t bothered about looking smart or fashionable. If this problem is isolated, I’d forget about it but maybe say to get that some newer trainers would be more comfortable. Me and my dh both walk around with clothes that have holes. We like the clothes, the holes are irrelevant to anything other than looks. Make up is also a drag to deal with. Time, money etc. Perhaps she feels happy that weight has been lifted off her.

Dozer · 15/07/2020 16:09

Have a serious chat about it, expressing concern?

What does your dad think is going on?

PerfidiousAlbion · 15/07/2020 16:10

Sorry - cross post.

You said she was hurt but What did she actually say when you mentioned it? What did your dad say?

Yawwwwwwwn · 15/07/2020 16:10

I would be concerned by this as well, OP. It's your mum's choice what she wears etc, but it does sound like she has at some point given up.

Is it at all possible that things aren't actually that great in her marriage? I've had a friend who went as far as not washing either, as well as wearing the same old and worn clothes, when she was experiencing problems at home which no-one noticed because both herself and her abusive partner kept it hidden from others.

Are you able to stealthily nab the jacket and wash it? Any chance of sourcing her the same trainers and replacing them when she isn't looking? I'm not suggesting this is always a good idea, if she is going through something then she may snap. But if the soles of her shoes have completely gone through then she really needs new ones.

What does your dad/ her husband say?

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