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Original poster

My mum has stopped taking care of herself and it’s really upsetting me

54 replies

AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 15:45

I know everyone is not looking their best but this has been going on for a few years now.

My parents don’t have money problems. My dad is even getting annoyed/ frustrated with her. She seems very healthy (physically and emotionally) and was baffled when I asked her if she needed to see the gp.

She’s wearing a cheap pink mac and trainers I bought when my youngest was born and gave her to put into the charity shop three years ago. The mac is filthy, especially because it’s light. The soles of the trainers have even worn away. Same with trousers (she only wears the one pair) and tops. Everything’s old and completely worn. She’s also stopped wearing a bra.

I am ashamed of myself for saying it but I’m embarrassed. I’ve arranged shopping trips (she doesn’t buy anything), I’ve bought her things (she returns them).

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I want to help her. I want my mum back. She was never overly glam or everything but she was always nice looking.

OP posts:
DoIneed1 · 15/07/2020 16:14

How old is she Op?

jessycake · 15/07/2020 16:18

I was thinking dementia too , it often starts with a personality change , something you can't quite put your finger on. Only at a more advanced stage does it become really obvious .I t might be your dad that needs a bit of support what does he think ?

OhioOhioOhio · 15/07/2020 16:22

Sounds tough op.

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Original poster
AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 16:28

It is hard. I was so worried about coming across as uncaring as well.

The last time I said ‘come on, Mum, you should be getting a bit more dressed up,’ or something. She just kept saying ‘I know, I know’ and said she was going to buy new things, but didn’t.

I know you never really know what’s going on in someone’s house, but I don’t think it’s abuse. My dad seems at a loss with her. He’s encouraged her to spend and has told me to buy things and he’ll pay. They shouldn’t and don’t appear to have money problems.

She’s 64.

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/07/2020 16:38

When you next see her you could talk to her again more directly: ‘I’ve noticed that every day you’re wearing the same clothes, and worn ones. This is a big change and I’m worried about your health’. Then ask why she’s wearing only those items, how she is feeling, and suggest again that she sees her GP.

Is your father likely to tell you, or their GP, about any other unusual behaviour?

You could also contact her GP to express concerns. Her GP wouldn’t tell your parents that you’d done so.

ginderella20 · 15/07/2020 16:49

Has she put weight on & she's trying to disguise it with shapeless clothes? Or doesn't want to buy more clothes until she's lost weight? Maybe she's finally reached a point where she doesn't care about looking nice, just being clean is enough?

Original poster
AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 17:00

I’m going to do what you suggest Dozer.

Thank you to everyone for being so kind and understanding Flowers

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 15/07/2020 17:01

Self neglect could be an indication of the onset of dementia, however you say you have not noticed a mental decline.
Is she washing every day?

Original poster
AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 17:05

She’s put a little weight on in lockdown but not much. She can only be a 12, 14 at most.

She definitely still seems sharp enough. She is always clean too.

OP posts:
goldfinchfan · 15/07/2020 17:09

OP why not suggest the two of you go shopping together?
You can learn much more about how she is and find some good clothes for her to wear.

MusicianTom · 15/07/2020 17:10

@AndNowApplaud

It is hard. I was so worried about coming across as uncaring as well.

The last time I said ‘come on, Mum, you should be getting a bit more dressed up,’ or something. She just kept saying ‘I know, I know’ and said she was going to buy new things, but didn’t.

I know you never really know what’s going on in someone’s house, but I don’t think it’s abuse. My dad seems at a loss with her. He’s encouraged her to spend and has told me to buy things and he’ll pay. They shouldn’t and don’t appear to have money problems.

She’s 64.

Tbh, Andnow, if someone said to me I should be getting more dressed up, my first response would be, "Why?".

If the clothes are clean and she's having regular showers, then I think anything else is up to her. I wash my hair every day but rarely blow-dry or style it when I'm at home - only when I'm off to work or out socialising. Likewise I only wear make-up once in a blue moon, and often wear the same comfortable clothes at home. I've seen plenty of friends saying that during lockdown they've been wearing pyjamas all day and not bothering with a bra.

I think it's important to ask her if there is anything wrong or upsetting her or if she's feeling ill, but if she's just decided to do this, I think you have to accept that it is her decision.

Spied · 15/07/2020 17:19

I'd worry she has a health problem or something that she's keeping from you all.
Often, if someone is preoccupied with some worry they unwittingly neglect some aspect of themselves/their lives.

I'd be asking your father again if he's noticed anything at all.

KittyOSullivanKrauss · 15/07/2020 17:36

OP, whilst I would caution heavily against a MN diagnosis it might be worth looking up Frontotemporal dementia. Onset is younger and memory problems are not one of the symptoms in the early stages, it often
starts with behavioural change and has a slow insidious onset. It may of course be nothing of the sort. Do take care. Seeing these changes in your mum must be distressing 💐

Singinginshower · 15/07/2020 17:41

I think asking her directly is a good idea OP.
With my mother, among other things, she didn't want to spend money on new stuff.

I used to buy her the odd item of clothing and say that I'd seen it and thought it would suit her.

onalongsabbatical · 15/07/2020 17:43

I'm 65 OP. I never blow dry my hair and I never wear make-up. But I'd be really uncomfortable with the clothes you describe her wearing. However - and this is a recent change in me - it's like a light bulb going on - how I look doesn't matter, only how I feel about myself and my thoughts and emotions and actions. Appearance is literally irrelevant - in the sense of I have got nothing to prove to other people and nothing I want to communicate to people has anything to do with how I look, IYSWIM. So I think the fact that she's clean and hygienic is hugely important and the rest, well, it's her choice.

But why not have an open conversation with her about it? Use my description if you like - say you saw someone of her age talking about how they felt about clothes and appearance and you wondered if she could relate to it? I think it's really hard to tell from your description whether anything's actually wrong or whether she's just got to the stage where the really important things are not the things of appearance. Shoes with worn away soles though? Hmm. I can really see why you're worried. Good luck Flowers

GuiltyBark · 15/07/2020 17:52

I'm working from home and on my own and honestly I wear whatever comes to hand and only get presentable once a fortnight when I see my bubble pal man. I'm clean but no makeup and yes same same outfits regardless of wear or tear. Apart from kids no one sees me for days on end and even kids occupy themselves they're thick as thieves. I'm happy enough! I'd offer a counter argument that she's just stopped thinking about what other people think, not least with lockdown changes to the way we are out and about and us just reverting to an easier path. But defo look into issues others have mentioned of course, changes in behaviour can signal changes to physical or mental health.

GuiltyBark · 15/07/2020 17:56

Also I'd keep an eye on your dad's frustration. She's happy, but he's frustrated she's not smartening herself up. It's possible that's affecting your feeling that there's a problem. She might be rebelling to some extent?

Gogogadgetarms · 15/07/2020 18:11

I’m sorry to say there was also similar behaviour in my DM when in the early stages of dementia.
Wearing the same clothes and not really caring what she looked like.
When I spoke to her she was never about to explain why she wouldn’t wear something different but she would defend her position to do so, like it was completely normal.

IsAnybodyListening · 15/07/2020 18:41

Oh OP. Please don't worry about all the suggestions could be dementia. Whilst other posters suggestions are coming from a good place, there are a zillion reasons as to why you are seeing this behaviour.

A few years ago, an old friends Mum drove her round the bend for similar reasons. From memory, she had to persuade her Mum to see the GP, this was after having several phonecalls with GP behing her Mums back. He ended up inviting her Mum for some kind of medical health check, under the guise of seeing her in person. She had an odd fixation on wearing the same old clothes. When my friend got her even the same pair of trousers, her Mum would not wear them. She also started displaying odd behaviour around food a good year down the line. A couple of years later, she was being manged as she had some form of OCD, triggered by her husbands ill health, and a way to control aspects of her life.

Give her GP a call, and talk to your Dad to.

Original poster
AndNowApplaud · 15/07/2020 19:16

I totally get being in the house and not giving a crap. I do it myself and my clothes are all Tesco and George, I'm hardly a style icon. It's such a change in her though, she'd never have gone out wearing things that were so unkempt before.

I'm so grateful for all the advice Flowers Thank you mners.

OP posts:
Veganforlife · 15/07/2020 19:41

My mum had a slow decline to dementia like this ,she’s in a care home now after I’d say 3 years of it building up

ShinyFootball · 15/07/2020 23:22

I find this really odd.

If she's clean and happy and well

Why is it an issue if she wears scruffy clothes?

crimsonlake · 16/07/2020 08:14

I would keep an eye on her general behaviour and see if you do notice any changes...I say this as someone who works in dementia services.

stellabelle · 16/07/2020 09:41

I'd also consider early dementia. There are many different types of dementia - don't assume that because she isn't behaving like your aunt, that it isn't dementia.

My mother was exactly the same - clean and presentable but wore the same worn-out pinafore and blouse for months at a time. She had a wardrobe full of decent clothes but insisted on wearing that outfit. She couldn't explain why she did it - it was like she was fixated on those clothes. Over time she developed other signs of dementia , and in hindsight we realised that the clothes thing was the first sign.

Talk to your dad and get her seen by the GP.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 16/07/2020 09:48

I think posters saying she has the right to.ear what she wants are missing the nuances.

Filthy old.mac
Bleach stains and unwashed pen marks
Shoes where the soles have come off/worn through

This is beyond someone deciding not to fuss about clothes any more, I think you need to write a detailed list, look at anything else in her life that has suddenly changed, and talk to a GP as a start.