Visits that no one wants!

[pandapop17]

Warning this is a moan!

My MIL lives around three hours from us. Before covid we would try and visit every couple of months. She lives in supported housing and is elderly and not in great health. We love her and she loves us (me, DH and two children). The problem is that visits are so hard. Although lovely she is very old fashioned, doesn’t like noise and thinks young children enjoy sitting politely listening to small talk about her hobbies and interests. She isn’t mean but she’s not the warmest person. She’s very reserved and honestly visits can be very dull ! She has a spare room but can’t cope with us staying so we stay in a nearby hotel when visiting . She doesn’t live in an interesting place and there is nothing much to do. She doesn’t really like going places expect maybe the local cafe. We usually go for the weekend. We take her out for a late lunch on the day we arrive then go back to hers for a cup of tea. The next day we visit after breakfast then head home . I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but she gets irritated by the kids after a while and we can sense when she needs her space.

It sounds really mean but the visits are so boring that I have started to dread them. The children love their grandma but honestly don’t get excited about seeing her. Not doing these visits recently has been such a relief. She also doesn’t seem to miss them and isn’t pressuring us to come anytime soon as she is worried about covid.

This has made me think about cutting the visits down to twice a year. However my husband wants to carry on as is but really only out of a sense of duty and guilt! He struggles with the visits as well. Even though there is love the relationship is strained. I am happy for him to visit without us but he said he can’t face the strained visits alone!

The sad fact is I think we are bunch of people forced to spend time together to make it seem like we are close when we don’t really care that much!

Does anyone else have a similar situation with elderly relatives? Do you think it’s terrible to just seem them twice a year?

She also has visits from other family so we are not the only ones who see her.

If you think a couple of visits are boring, imagine being elderly, in poor health and living alone.

Your DH should visit his mum and accept that you don't want to do it.

As for the kids, I think they'd benefit from learning about the crippling loneliness many elderly people suffer from. That way they may be a bit happier about the few visits a year they currently endure.

I'd let them all go and you could stay at home

What a very sad post. It sounds like the visits aren’t working for either of you but there must be a way to be family that is better than this. I love seeing my in laws and they are happy joyous occasions.
The answer isn’t to just stop - that is so very sad. How old is she - she can’t be that old if you have young children.
Could she come to you - would that work and you can take her to places near you.

Also if you find yourself in the same position as your MIL one day, at least your kids would have had a good example set to them and will hopefully visit you often.

She is 80, she won’t come to us as she doesn’t like to travel. I do feel bad and don’t want her to be lonely but visiting someone who doesn’t seem to really enjoy the visits for more than a couple of hours is hard. The home is a fancy one with restaurant, hair dressers etc so she does spend time with people.

I really wish there was more joy in the visits, that’s what makes them so difficult! It’s hard to explain but there is love in my husbands family but not a lot of joy. They very distant, he went to boarding school at a young age and I think resents this.

how old are the children.
how about going every third month.
could your husband go and take one child, alternating, while you stay at home with the other child.
most people do not enjoy noise and disturbance from children, unless its your own when you tend not to notice, =survival mode.
there are different styles of child rearing. yours sounds more child-centric. others in the past, and still among some groups now, are more traditional, whereby what children enjoy is secondary to family duty, and fitting in with family routine.
each has its plus points.
could you get the children involved by eg doing a project on oral history. thinking of questions and recording answers on mobile.
like an interview. so GM can share her experiences, which children might find interesting, re the olden days. compare and contrast.
depends on child's age, and GM's ability, not too taxing.

Might be nice for your husband to visit his mum by himself and the rest of you go with him every few trips.

Do you take games for the kids to play? Connect 4, scrabble, ludo....they are all games me and my kids played with my Grandmother. Also can you walk to a local park? The kids can run around and play while the adults talk. Or what about timing visits to see cousins there?

Your mil is quite young to be in a home. I saw with my own grandmother (much older) that they do become a bit institutionalised and don’t really like a lot out of routine.
Could you speak with the care home and ask if there is any suggestions of what you could do? What did she like to do when she was younger?
It’s hard but I don’t think you should stop.

To be honest I’d maybe visit twice a year with the Kids and then let your husband visit on his own every month or two. He could even do it in one day, it’d be a lot of driving but could leave early, have lunch and spend the afternoon with her and then get home late. Maybe with just her and you oh they might have a better time without worrying the kids are bored or noisy.

She'd probably prefer to only see you for a couple of hours. DH should do every other visit on his own, and when you and the DCs go keep it to mealtimes or cup of tea only then find fun stuff to do whilst you are there.

It’s one weekend every couple of months. Have a word with yourself and get on with it, it might install some humanity in your kids that you seem to be missing.

@KingOfDogShite

It’s one weekend every couple of months. Have a word with yourself and get on with it, it might install some humanity in your kids that you seem to be missing.

But she says it seems her MIL doesn’t enjoy it either and it seems too much for her very quickly?!

I think you need to mix it up a bit - stay somewhere more interesting further away and accept an earlier start to take her out, incorporate other trips, DH goes alone sometimes, liase with other family members and all meet up together one weekend, take iPads, games whatever for the children. She can grumble about them not sitting still but you don't have to take it to heart.

Would you be ok with only visiting your parent 2x a year?

It’d just let your H decide.

The children are 5 and 7. They really do love their grandma and understand that she can’t do much. She loves them as well but wants them to behave like mini grown ups. I know it’s not her fault. She has forgotten what young children are like. They are good kids and are always polite and well behaved at grandmas. I think the visits are boring for them but agree that’s it good for them to put her needs first. I just want to do it less!

You can also just make the visit just one dinner/lunch:breakfast rather than trying to spend more time. She probably gets v tired.
Little and often (but not too often).

Sorry the point I am trying to make is that and doesn’t really seem to enjoy the visits either!

You try and visit every couple of month? Max 6 times a year. The kids are 5 and 7. They can read a book or do some colouring, cross stitch or play games on an iPad surely?

I’d vary the visits a bit-sometimes just go for the day, other times just your DH goes, other times he takes one or both kids.

I don’t think she wants us to come so much.

It sounded like you didn't want to.

Well just ask her, is it too tiring for you? Would it be better if we visited next in September or October for you? Just so we can plan etc etc.

I think you’re trying to fix something that’s not really your issue to fix, the detail about your husband being sent to boarding school is perhaps the key. You talk about there being love there, but are you sure about that? Is it just a sense of duty?

Maybe look at it differently, set lower expectations. I think the issue is between your DH and your MIL, and no matter what you try and plan there is no fixing this unless they can address it. And maybe that ship had sailed.

Have you suggested your DH goes alone?

DM likes one of my DCs but has a personality clash with the other. DS2 came with me a few weeks ago. DS1 hasn't seen her since Christmas. Neither DM nor DS1 is bothered. Why play at forcing happy families?

Reduce your visits and encourage DH to have a couple of interim visits. It would probably be a better dynamic.

Just because some families are close and all is hunkydory, it doesn't mean everyone has to imitate that if it's not making anyone happy.