Visits that no one wants!

[pandapop17]

Warning this is a moan!

My MIL lives around three hours from us. Before covid we would try and visit every couple of months. She lives in supported housing and is elderly and not in great health. We love her and she loves us (me, DH and two children). The problem is that visits are so hard. Although lovely she is very old fashioned, doesn’t like noise and thinks young children enjoy sitting politely listening to small talk about her hobbies and interests. She isn’t mean but she’s not the warmest person. She’s very reserved and honestly visits can be very dull ! She has a spare room but can’t cope with us staying so we stay in a nearby hotel when visiting . She doesn’t live in an interesting place and there is nothing much to do. She doesn’t really like going places expect maybe the local cafe. We usually go for the weekend. We take her out for a late lunch on the day we arrive then go back to hers for a cup of tea. The next day we visit after breakfast then head home . I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but she gets irritated by the kids after a while and we can sense when she needs her space.

It sounds really mean but the visits are so boring that I have started to dread them. The children love their grandma but honestly don’t get excited about seeing her. Not doing these visits recently has been such a relief. She also doesn’t seem to miss them and isn’t pressuring us to come anytime soon as she is worried about covid.

This has made me think about cutting the visits down to twice a year. However my husband wants to carry on as is but really only out of a sense of duty and guilt! He struggles with the visits as well. Even though there is love the relationship is strained. I am happy for him to visit without us but he said he can’t face the strained visits alone!

The sad fact is I think we are bunch of people forced to spend time together to make it seem like we are close when we don’t really care that much!

Does anyone else have a similar situation with elderly relatives? Do you think it’s terrible to just seem them twice a year?

She also has visits from other family so we are not the only ones who see her.

It's difficult to admit things like this OP. If your DH went alone would he just make it a short visit and return the same day? That could suit everyone.

@KingOfDogShite sounds like you should take your own advice love

We went up to visit my Nanna about 4 times a year. In all honesty, it was terribly dull. She was very house proud, and had lots of tiny, very breakable ornaments and I always felt nervous. When I was older I would basically spend the whole time reading, my sister would listen to music on headphones. It didn’t feel like a terrible hardship though, just one of those things you had to do occasionally, and I imagine your children will look at it the same way? Looking back, my Nanna was really proud of us, and I think the visits meant a lot to her.

@BogRollBOGOF

DM likes one of my DCs but has a personality clash with the other. DS2 came with me a few weeks ago. DS1 hasn't seen her since Christmas. Neither DM nor DS1 is bothered. Why play at forcing happy families?

Reduce your visits and encourage DH to have a couple of interim visits. It would probably be a better dynamic.

Just because some families are close and all is hunkydory, it doesn't mean everyone has to imitate that if it's not making anyone happy.

Thank you! I think this is the problem. We are trying to be close when we aren’t really!

I think I must be one of the few people who have a politely repressed family! I wish it was different but it’s never going to change. I think for my husband the visits are a way of showing her that he loves her. It’s hard for him to say he doesn’t want to visit so much. I will definitely keep suggesting solo visits to him.

@crazychemist

We went up to visit my Nanna about 4 times a year. In all honesty, it was terribly dull. She was very house proud, and had lots of tiny, very breakable ornaments and I always felt nervous. When I was older I would basically spend the whole time reading, my sister would listen to music on headphones. It didn’t feel like a terrible hardship though, just one of those things you had to do occasionally, and I imagine your children will look at it the same way? Looking back, my Nanna was really proud of us, and I think the visits meant a lot to her.

Thank you that useful

@crazychemist my own visits to my grandparents were so much fun i find these awkward visits so hard! However I do see that it’s good for my kids to learn about others needs.

Hard one and I say this as someone who works in sheltered accomodation as an activity coordinator. Since they have not been allowed visitors for months their mental health has declined and I am sure your dmil is the same.
I understand where you are coming from regarding lengths of visits, having to stay overnight elsewhere. However from my experience I would encourage you to continue as she may have very infrequent visitors and little contact with the outside world. We are not there to judge...but certainly notice which resident's families do not make the effort to visit often.

Sounds like you’re the one wanting out of it

are there any gardens nearby with areas dc can run around in? or parks? you could perhaps take her for picnic (take a camp chair for her) Garden centres? (Big ones are good because they usually have things dc can look at)
I think you need to do a bit more research on areas nearby?
Shopping centres?
Think of things that she might like to go to
(At the moment a lot are shut which doesn't help, I know)
Open Gardens are good too because you can include scone & tea usually or cake for dc
She is probably bored of her life - so if you can do a bit more research with a half hour radius

My father and his parents had a very distant relationship and I only remember being taken to see them twice when I was primary school age. It was awful- we were all made to sit on hard uncomfortable chairs and sit completely still while my grandmother talked about my wonderful cousins. I barely knew who they were. (My father also went to boarding school and is possibly the only person to not realise how damaged by it he was. He still made me go to boarding school though!).

Years later, my grandmother became my substitute parent when my parents couldn't really be arsed with me (when I was at boarding school). Then we developed a relationship of our own, and I can't say those early visits had really achieved anything, but I also don't feel that they did any damage. The problem with the early visits was the formality of my parents' relationship with my grandparents, which stemmed mostly from my mother being so obviously resentful of them. They didn't dislike us (which is what we thought at the time) they just didn't know us.

I've found that with elderly relatives in poor health, one visit per day of less than 2 hours is plenty. Any more and they get tired and possibly irritable. It might also be worth talking about which times of day are best. Talk to her about what she feels is manageable and what she would like to happen. This is the ideal time to change things, and make it so that everyone is getting more of what they want.

Could you alternate. Only one adult and one child, she may find that easier.

However, dull but pleasant relatives are worth the effort. It could be far worse.

@whiplashy

Sounds like you’re the one wanting out of it

I admit I do want to go less often but don’t want to stop altogether. I think my husband should go in between visits with the kids.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

My father and his parents had a very distant relationship and I only remember being taken to see them twice when I was primary school age. It was awful- we were all made to sit on hard uncomfortable chairs and sit completely still while my grandmother talked about my wonderful cousins. I barely knew who they were. (My father also went to boarding school and is possibly the only person to not realise how damaged by it he was. He still made me go to boarding school though!).

Years later, my grandmother became my substitute parent when my parents couldn't really be arsed with me (when I was at boarding school). Then we developed a relationship of our own, and I can't say those early visits had really achieved anything, but I also don't feel that they did any damage. The problem with the early visits was the formality of my parents' relationship with my grandparents, which stemmed mostly from my mother being so obviously resentful of them. They didn't dislike us (which is what we thought at the time) they just didn't know us.

I've found that with elderly relatives in poor health, one visit per day of less than 2 hours is plenty. Any more and they get tired and possibly irritable. It might also be worth talking about which times of day are best. Talk to her about what she feels is manageable and what she would like to happen. This is the ideal time to change things, and make it so that everyone is getting more of what they want.

Yes we do go to the nearby garden centre sometimes with her. We also walk in the home gardens. She does prefer to stay in the flat. We don’t like to force her into activities she doesn’t want to do.

Your MIL has a spare room, your DH could go up, stay overnight and leave the next day . He'll have time to do things at your MIL pace without worrying about your MIL being tired or stressed .

Then maybe follow some of the suggestons like all go , stay in a hotel and do somethig else with the DC on the 2nd day ?

TYour DH going with one DC at a time is an option.

I remember visits to my GParents . They never went out . They only wanted visits on certain days (usually a Saturday , never a Sunday , not keen on a Friday )
They were in a 1st floor maisonette so we couldn't make any noise .
They had no TV. Only a radio.
And when we left ( 40 miles drive and we went to Church on a Sunday) my GM would say "Oh are you going? It wasn't worth you coming" at 11pm . It would take an hour for us to get home .

MY DC have a good relationship with my parents , but now they're 83 , I tend to go alone ( 8 hours drive and the house is less than sanitary . I can cope but I don't want to subject my DC though often one will go with me)

No contact with DH side . MIL didn't send a card for my DS 18th or recently my DD 18th .
TBH , my DC aren't phased so I didn't make an issue .
They don't really miss out , not sure how MIL feels .

You do risk losing the relationship with your DC GM, I think you need to be a bit flexible . She is 80 , in poor health ...but it's your DH place to put things in motion.

She won’t let anyone stay in the spare room, not even her son! She really doesn’t like people around for too long, not even family. We used to live closer and it was a lot easier! We do really love her but the relationship isn’t the easiest one. The home she lives in is very fancy. She is well looked after and enjoys the life she has there. She is a lady of very high standards!

Can't you take something for her and the kids to do together? Drawing, stickerbooks, card games, board games, a story tape to listen to. If they are a little older perhaps they could do phone recordings of her memories of childhood and earlier days.

Would the staff help her to chat to you online?

Maybe a few short online chats would allow you to stretch out the actual visits.

@2bazookas

Can't you take something for her and the kids to do together? Drawing, stickerbooks, card games, board games, a story tape to listen to. If they are a little older perhaps they could do phone recordings of her memories of childhood and earlier days.

Yes we always take toys for them to play with. It’s a battle. She doesn’t like it if they are noisy. Sometimes she will let them play in the spare room but worries they will touch things. We try our best to keep her happy as we don’t want to upset her. The only way we deal with it is to keep visits short.

Sounds really difficult.
I recall going to visit Granny about 4 times a year, 2 hour drive to get there, cold house, nothing to do but read old magazines, never enough to eat. Far more dull in those pre-screen days. Didn't enjoy it massively, but that's ok, we don't have to have a wild time every day.
Have to admit I think it's very good for DCs to learn to cope with being bored.
Sounds like you have lovely DCs, who are getting older and wiser by the day. Granny won't be there for ever.
How about just going up for the day?

@FrogFairy

Would the staff help her to chat to you online?

Maybe a few short online chats would allow you to stretch out the actual visits.

We phone her twice a week and the kids chat to her as well. I personally think she prefers these phone chats to visits. We want to try and maintain a sense of closeness with her. We do love her. I just think the frequent visits are forced!

I wish the relationship was more easy going then the visits would be easier. It’s hard to explain. My husbands family are old school fancy and obsessed with manners and duty. Feelings are not spoken about freely! We also visit his aunt when we can as well. Her house is full of fancy breakables and designer cats! It’s a different kind of stress!

Just think, one day our children's partners will think the very same of us.

@greeneyedlulu

Just think, one day our children's partners will think the very same of us.

I don’t understand? I love her , we visit her. I just think the frequent visits are not enjoyed by anyone! It’s hard to be honest about.

Thanks @Bluetrews25 they are good kids. I do want them to understand that the feelings of those you love come first. Your visits sound hard. We are lucky she lives in a nice place with plenty of nice food provided for residents and guests. We would happily stay in her spare room but sadly it’s too much for her. I sometimes she feels pressured to have us. The power of obligation in the family is very strong.

I do appreciate people’s views. Family can be very complex.

I agree with others maybe you and your DC just go every other time. Your DH just goes alone the other times.
Alternatively Is there no way you could make it more enjoyable. Maybe you could all go down have a cup of tea with your MIL then you and DC go do an activity like the cinemas/bowling whilst DH takes her out for lunch?

I think pushing my husband to visit every other time without us would be better for everyone. He really likes us all going together as he finds the visits hard alone. I think my mother in law wouldn’t mind though.