Visits that no one wants!

[pandapop17]

Warning this is a moan!

My MIL lives around three hours from us. Before covid we would try and visit every couple of months. She lives in supported housing and is elderly and not in great health. We love her and she loves us (me, DH and two children). The problem is that visits are so hard. Although lovely she is very old fashioned, doesn’t like noise and thinks young children enjoy sitting politely listening to small talk about her hobbies and interests. She isn’t mean but she’s not the warmest person. She’s very reserved and honestly visits can be very dull ! She has a spare room but can’t cope with us staying so we stay in a nearby hotel when visiting . She doesn’t live in an interesting place and there is nothing much to do. She doesn’t really like going places expect maybe the local cafe. We usually go for the weekend. We take her out for a late lunch on the day we arrive then go back to hers for a cup of tea. The next day we visit after breakfast then head home . I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but she gets irritated by the kids after a while and we can sense when she needs her space.

It sounds really mean but the visits are so boring that I have started to dread them. The children love their grandma but honestly don’t get excited about seeing her. Not doing these visits recently has been such a relief. She also doesn’t seem to miss them and isn’t pressuring us to come anytime soon as she is worried about covid.

This has made me think about cutting the visits down to twice a year. However my husband wants to carry on as is but really only out of a sense of duty and guilt! He struggles with the visits as well. Even though there is love the relationship is strained. I am happy for him to visit without us but he said he can’t face the strained visits alone!

The sad fact is I think we are bunch of people forced to spend time together to make it seem like we are close when we don’t really care that much!

Does anyone else have a similar situation with elderly relatives? Do you think it’s terrible to just seem them twice a year?

She also has visits from other family so we are not the only ones who see her.

@pandapop17

I think pushing my husband to visit every other time without us would be better for everyone. He really likes us all going together as he finds the visits hard alone. I think my mother in law wouldn’t mind though.

That sound sensible.

Make your husband go alone on every other visit. Some elderly people find young children too much and they are obviously bored. What are her interests or hobbies. Is it something which would engage the children or at least give you all something to talk about.

This thread had made me so thankful for my in-laws. They are not young - late 80s - but have been totally involved in my children’s lives since my children were born. My children are all late teens now and still have a wonderfully connected relationship to both sets of grandparents. It’s been invaluable and developed them into the people they are today. Just trying to say if you can get this relationship to work it will pay hugely back in later years.

Do you send your mil little updates on the children. Get them to write her little cards and notes if she is not technology savvy. Send her a card with little updates about the children. Send some pics through of activities you have done. It all helps to build a relationship and then when you are together mil might have more idea what to ask them about

I can totally understand what you mean OP and it sounds like a difficult situation. It would be so much easier if she could just come and stay with you, as you would be able to just get on with family life. Sitting in someone’s sitting room making small talk is no fun. I would change the visits - just go for the day, or maybe have lunch out, but then you go off with the kids to do

Well DH called her to say we could come to visit soon but she isn’t keen! I think she is worried about covid. Feel bad as we haven’t seen her for so long but it’s what she wants. I guess that solves the visit problem!

For people asking yes we send cards , letters and pictures of the kids. She loves this kind of thing. She is very formal and I think more comfortable with letters. She won’t use any kind of modern technology. She is a very clever woman but isn’t keen on trying things that are unfamiliar.

Could you still go every couple of months but maybe you and the kids go on the Saturday and just your DH goes on the Sunday and you do something fun with the kids?

@Teenageromance

This thread had made me so thankful for my in-laws. They are not young - late 80s - but have been totally involved in my children’s lives since my children were born. My children are all late teens now and still have a wonderfully connected relationship to both sets of grandparents. It’s been invaluable and developed them into the people they are today. Just trying to say if you can get this relationship to work it will pay hugely back in later years.

Of course we wish we had this type of relationship! No one wants awkward distant relationships with their parents. I remember my SIL telling me how her daughter said “I love you Grandma “ and got met with an uncomfortable smile and silence! Many years on (there is a big gap between grandchildren) and she’s still the same unemotional lady. We are never going to have that wonderful closeness that I guess other better families have!

However my MIL is not a bad lady. I know she loves in her own way but shows it differently. My husband had a hard time, boarding school at a young age, high expectations. We parent completely differently to his parents but we don’t judge! I don’t think she is suddenly going to turn into fun huggy grandma.

I would insist that your DH does some of the visits on his own. You could also try going for the weekend but you and DC only visit 1 for 30-60 mins each day. The rest of the time you go places and have loads of fun together. Research things there must be walks, swimming pools, cinemas, restaurants, parks, attractions, and other hotels to try. If the rest of the weekend is action packed and fun surely you can cope with a short visit each morning?

Could you go up there on the Saturday, see MiL, go for lunch or whatever, then (as you have to stay in a hotel anyway) stop and stay o/n somewhere else more interesting on the way home?

So then the visits with MIL are shorter.

I'd think your DH should go alone every other time that way he enjoys 1 to 1 time and you only have to go 3 x a year. Win win surely.

She doesn't really sound as though she likes children. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she loves her grandchildren, but there are some people who just don't really enjoy the company of children and are not really able to relate to them very well. This may well be one of the reasons why your DH was sent to boarding school.

From that point of view, she would probably be happier if your DH visited by himself most of the time and you only went for a family visit a couple of times a year.

Of course, she may also be one of those people who prefers to keep more or less everyone - even adults - at arm's length. From that point of view, it's a shame that she lives so far away, because shorter, more frequent visits would probably suit her much better - just a formal half an hour here and there. For someone like this, letters from you or the children would be an excellent substitute for some of the visits.

Alternatively, is there anywhere fairly near where she lives which might provide more fun for you and the kids? You could stay there instead, make that the main focus, and just pop in to her for a short visit of an hour or so on the way there or back.

I used to find visiting MIL very hard. Harder with DC, because honestly, she wasn’t interested in them. She just wanted pictures of them. The reality of small grubby children in her house that wanting entertaining was hideous for everyone.
She had also totally forgot what children were actually like.

I used to send DH on his own. It’s actually what she wanted, full attention from DH, no change in her routine and he would do jobs for her.

Could you go on a mini break which would require visiting her each way one time?

Yes i think she would be happier with DH on his own. The problem is he finds it very hard to go without us. They have a difficult relationship and the kids provide a buffer for him! Anyway as I said the problem seems to be solved as she doesn’t want us to come at the moment anyway! I think the visits will be less frequent going forward. Next time we go I will try and find something fun to do on the way there or back. Obviously I want to make it a fun positive memory for my kids.

I understand where you are coming from OP. We used to have a similar situation and for us, part of the difficulty was the crushing predictability of it. Always the same, you knew exactly what to expect, and that it wouldn't really work.

Changing it up a bit can help. So for example, maybe go on Friday night, stay in a hotel and see her for breakfast and lunch, then leave. It may be different enough to change the dynamic, and then you still have some weekend to yourselves. And then next time DH goes solo. And then next time it's different again in some way. It keeps things a bit fresher for everyone, and may just bring a couple of surprises that make it less of a grind.