Do you like "nice" people?

[UltimateWednesday]

I'm not sure if it's them or me

I belong to a club with about 100 members, probably 60 that attend regularly (in normal times). I'm good friends with maybe a dozen and friendly with most.

However, I find the ones about whom people say things like "oh he's such a nice guy" or isn't "she lovely" get on my nerves, their niceness seems fake to me, no one's lovely and smiley all the time, but no one else seems to see it.

It doesn't matter, it's just an observation about my own response to people I'm perfectly pleasant and polite to everyone but I do seem to be the only one who doesn't seek out the company of the lovely people.

I do like nice people. I like to be around them, I like the challenge they give me to do/be better.

My husband's family has been friends for years with the nicest people I have ever met. It makes you feel good to be with them, they warm your soul. I've never heard them say anything unpleasant about anyone. They are genuinely beautiful souls.

I would like to be more like them.

Dh says people don’t like me because they think I’m too nice & therefore must be fake.

I’ve seen people that are thought to be nice who have come out with some truly disgusting comments but everyone loves them 🤨 but their falser than a false thing.

Stuffthem
You have summed it up!

I know plenty of grouchy people who are very very kind.

To me, nice is the type of being pleasant that is performative, usually of the ilk that is men bemoaning that women don't like "nice men" whilst proving that they are in fact anything but nice.

Kindness is far more important to me. I see kindness as the genuine version of the quality, and it isn't always nice.

My post above was in response to the above.
Not so much the ‘trans‘ example!

I think overtly 'nice people' get me a little defensive sometimes. I generally assume all people are nice (even the miserable ones, because they usually are once you get to know them) and first impressions are often misleading, so I'm wary.

This thread is amusing me in that it appears on a forum where posters regularly, without irony, use the term 'friends' (minus the quotation marks) to designate people for whom they have no particular liking, who generally mistreat them, exploit them and exclude them.

So who knows what the same people mean by 'nice'? Someone who doesn't actually spit at them when they pass on the street? Someone who has never stolen anything worth more than £50 from them?

Yes winterisstillcoming, maybe that's it. The vast majority of people are basically decent, I certainly assume that of most people I meet, it's the ones who are at pains to be nice that make me uneasy.

Yep. And I can spot a fake a mile off.

Yes, I know one of those nice men who is is incredibly unlucky with women. Everyone seems to think he's amazing and it's appalling the way he gets treated but in actual fact, he's clingy and controlling.

Examples:

He needs them to call when they get home because he cares so much, obviously not because he's controlling.

He showers them with expensive gifts but it seems to me (no one else) that he does it to manipulate them. E.g they're thinking of breaking up with him, he'll book an amazing surprise holiday, who could be ungrateful to such a lovely man..?

He's charmingly insecure in his looks and abilities which means women people are always telling him how wonderful he is.

I love being around nice people. It makes me feel more positive about the world. There is so much nastiness in the media and on the news that it can be a bit depressing. I love positive and nice people.

I find a lot of nice people too sweet to be wholesome.

I particularly dislike being described as 'lovely'. When I first got together with DH a couple of his friends described me as such, and he told me.

I snorted. He laughed knowingly. Nuff said.

In my previous career (very client-focused), I worked very closely for a few months with one senior person who was described by everyone as being 'lovely'. I think she was a genuinely nice person, but the side she showed in the office and to clients was her professional 'nice' side; very reasonable and measured, always saying the right thing, very helpful, never controversial. I respect her a lot, but goodness I've never been so bored at work in my life.

I’m sure everyone has moments when they get pissed off or cross but it’s not fake not to act badly because you’re not happy. Niceness is just a form of consideration, basic manners.

Depends what you mean by nice. Fun, normal people who happen to be lovely and think of others? Of course?

Annoying simperers who think theyre 'nice' but really they're just a bit fake and twee. Not really. I like people with energy.

The work cake makers, the baby coo'ers, the ones who go quiet when the conversation turns to anything interesting, the constant smilers. No. Hate nice people.

I don't see how doing those things actually make you nice. I like to think that I am quite nice - but none of those apply to me, and some people I've worked with who do all of those things you mention are definitely not nice!

I think there are people about whom all anyone can think of to say is that they are ‘nice’ - and these people are at the very least difficult to get to know, if not a bit dull. There are plenty of kind and generous and friendly people who are also funny, interesting, intelligent, etc - but I wouldn’t describe them as ‘nice’.

You can be interesting and funny and clever without being cruel or bitchy and those are the people I'm much more drawn to. I know what you mean OP about people who everyone says are 'nice', but to me nice can also mean 'a bit of a doormat' or 'slightly dull'. If the best that someone can say about you is that you're nice, that's not exactly the greatest compliment.

I find that most people are mostly nice most of the time

When people are inauthentic, you can tell. Niceness is a choice, not a personality trait. When it doesn’t ring true, it makes you feel like you’re being groomed.

Niceness is how most people are superficially. At the next level people can be nice and kind, or just nice to your face!

I'm a cake baker at work, it's not because I'm nice, it's because me and the teacher like eating cake and swearing 😂.

There's a type of person I've come across, who are sickeningly sweet to people but the niceness in their voice sounds fake. Both individuals I'm thinking of have 'turned' on some people and been vile to them. So disingenuous sickeningly sweet people can often be masking their bitch face. But there's lots of people who are nice a lot who are just people pleasers and sometimes have low self esteem but I like those people, it's the fake bitches I can't stand.

It depends. Some people are genuinely nice - I would say those types of people are the ones who don't talk about others behind their backs, take people as they come and try to do things that will benefit others but without needing praise for it. But most "nice" people aren't like that. They are mostly smiley and friendly but all too ready to stick the knife in or to get pissy when you don't want to accept a favour from them.

The first type are incredibly rare, I think I've only met one or two in my life. The second type, it's like half of humanity unfortunately.

I get what you’re saying.
I feel this way more towards the really extroverted people in groups that make friends really quickly and share loads about themselves and talk talk talk. Probably because I’m the opposite so I find it over bearing. I don’t always find them to be 100% genuine but that’s not every case of course. I understand where you’re coming from.

As you say, you don't know most of the ones at your club very well. Some people have a default setting of "polite" when in public and with acquaintances because in general it makes for a more pleasant atmosphere. There is little benefit in being unpleasant to people you only meet at a club and who you don't consider good friends. Maybe that's how they view you, hence you never really get to know them?