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Original poster

Do you like "nice" people?

79 replies

UltimateWednesday · 07/07/2020 21:57

I'm not sure if it's them or me

I belong to a club with about 100 members, probably 60 that attend regularly (in normal times). I'm good friends with maybe a dozen and friendly with most.

However, I find the ones about whom people say things like "oh he's such a nice guy" or isn't "she lovely" get on my nerves, their niceness seems fake to me, no one's lovely and smiley all the time, but no one else seems to see it.

It doesn't matter, it's just an observation about my own response to people I'm perfectly pleasant and polite to everyone but I do seem to be the only one who doesn't seek out the company of the lovely people.

OP posts:

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 08/07/2020 08:51

It's not that I think nice people are dull, I quite like genuine but dull people, I don't feel under pressure to be entertaining and you can rely on them!

Maybe I didn't mean, nice. Perhaps I mean charming people that everyone else seems to think are nice. Maybe I imagine it but I often find there's an edge to the niceness, the compliments are a bit backhanded or insincere, for example, but other don't seem to notice.

Probably it mostly comes from the experience that some of these lovely people show their true colours eventually. I have a handful of memorable experiences where the people everyone seemed to believe were nice caused real problems for the club, usually by managing to convince everyone that they were the ones who were badly treated when in actual fact they stirred the trouble up for the drama. So, indeed, they weren't nice all the time but long enough to convince everyone.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/07/2020 08:52

Spurred to reply by PP. My apparently nice, salt of the earth XDH was an arsehole. Even though he was a church warden, etc. So, I need to watch what people do, etc, to make a better opinion. I am weird interesting, but not a doormat. Just had a bit of hoo-ha on wassap of a band I play in (large band) because someone was rude to me on it, publicly, and I called them out on it. People often describe doormats as nice. I am not a doormat, which is apparently particularly coz I iz a woman.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/07/2020 08:53

Particularly not nice because I'm a woman. Doh.

FaceOfASpink · 08/07/2020 08:56

I like nice if it's genuine. I loathe fake nice and it's usually fairly easy to tell.

rosiethehen · 08/07/2020 08:58

I like people who are honest, mature in outlook and have personal integrity. They don't have to be agreeable all the time, but I don't like falseness or people who seek to browbeat and dominate others.

jessstan2 · 08/07/2020 09:02

I think it's you, not 'them'.

What is wrong with liking 'nice' people, whatever that is? As long as you don't exclude people who are sometimes less than 'nice' it surely doesn't matter. Nobody is perfect anyway and you often only see one side of a person in specific situations.

It's your choice to go to the club, maybe it's time to branch out a bit and meet new people.

CoffeeCup34 · 08/07/2020 09:03

I know what you mean, they seem a bit insincere. I’ve got a friend who everyone says is ‘nice’ but part of her niceness is stopping to help or chat to anyone and everyone which means she is often late (as in an hour or two) when we’re meeting up, so by being nice to someone else she’s not being nice to me. I do like her though so I just agree to meet her places where it doesn’t matter if she’s late or not.

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 08/07/2020 09:04

"I like people who are honest, mature in outlook and have personal integrity. They don't have to be agreeable all the time, but I don't like falseness or people who seek to browbeat and dominate others."

That's exactly it! I like decent people who know their own mind. People who are nice always seem false. If you're nice about everything, how can it all be genuine?

OP posts:

Darkestseasonofall · 08/07/2020 09:05

I'm with you OP. I think if the best, most positive aspect of someone is being "nice" then they are a bit basic, and probably not very interesting. Almost nice but dim you know?
All of my friends are either stroppy / sarcastic / hilarious / alternative / highly promiscuous or old lushes. I wouldn't have anything in common with nice people

squeekyclean · 08/07/2020 09:08

Over the years I have become rather wary of the people that everyone says are 'lovely', 'never a bad word about anyone' etc etc. I'm sure some people genuinely are always positive and smiley but most people I've met that are described this way have turned out to be very good at manipulating people. Eg. a current member of my team who everyone thinks is kind, upbeat, happy, positive, supportive of everyone, self deprecating/helpful etc- I've noticed that actually she says small things (with a positive spin) that make other people ask difficult questions/challenge things/dislike people/run round after her etc- so she gets to be the lovely one whilst everyone else looks difficult. This has been particularly the case during lockdown when we have all been busy with work/kids etc and I've noticed that by being quiet/not her usual self etc she has had other team members (who are actually busier, have more and younger DC etc) fawning over her to help/take on her work, not ask her to take on tasks etc- all without ever actually complaining or asking for help so she still seems selfless. She's also calmly and quietly dropped comments in to meetings that have lead to huge arguments and upset for others (again, managing to appear lovely- every one seems to agree that she could not possibly have intended to cause any upset as she's so lovely). I feel more comfortable with someone less 'lovely'.

Maduixa · 08/07/2020 09:12

I dislike performative niceness - being consciously nice for the sake of being SEEN as nice. I can't help idly wondering what someone like that is hiding, or what they gain by it. (Which may be mean of me - it could just be habit, or internalised societal expectations). But if someone is honest and straightforward and genuine but manages also to be fairly consistently civil and polite, that has value for me. I like "real" people, but I'd pick a real person with manners over a rude real person ...

FaceOfASpink · 08/07/2020 09:12

Yep squeeky I definitely know one of those and it's so galling when other people can't see it and the fuckers get away with it!

eaglejulesk · 08/07/2020 09:14

What's wrong with being nice? And even if some nice people are boring, what is wrong with being boring? If someone is interesting as well as being nice then I will like them - but if they are interesting and unpleasant at the same time then I doubt I would want to befriend them. Surely there is a difference between being genuinely nice and just putting on a front.

Batqueen · 08/07/2020 09:20

There is nothing wrong with being nice but I often find people are described as such for ‘surface niceness’ eg they are friendly, charming and good conversationalists. I would often hear ‘I’m so surprised they have done (insert bad thing) they are normally so nice’. To which I would ask ‘But what have they ever done to show they are a good , kind, thoughtful, person?’ And would often find they can’t give me an example, they just assumed it because the person was fun, charming and said nice things to them.

Doyoumind · 08/07/2020 09:22

I think I'm a pretty good reader of character. I look for genuineness and kindness in people and that is different from niceness. Any sign of fakery and I run a mile. Sometimes people who are seen as nice are genuine and kind. Sometimes they are acting the part.

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 08/07/2020 09:24

There's nothing wrong with actually being nice but I don't always find it believable.

I think being a good person is different to always being nice.

OP posts:

Iwalkinmyclothing · 08/07/2020 09:28

Yes. Unless I have some sort of 'evidence' that their niceness is an act, then of course I like it. In my job I often deal with people whose behaviour is the opposite of nice so I bloody well appreciate it when someone is warm and kind and supportive and not out to threaten or pick holes in me.

My natural inclination is to be an abrasive, sarcastic, argumentative bitch so I have worked very, very hard on being 'nice'. It's not fake, it's not an act, it's a conscious effort to treat people well, and amusingly enough I do have a reputation at work now as someone who is very nice (with the caveat that although I have a greater than average tolerance for bullshit, when my line is finally crossed that is it and 'nice' is not a word anyone would use to describe me then). I'm not nice all the time, but I make a real effort to be nice most of the time, because the alternative sucks.

sitckmansladylove · 08/07/2020 09:29

Very interesting thread. I find there are a few rare nice people but ultimately we are all the same but some are better behaved
My SIL never speaks badly of people (so BIL says) but she does except it's very clever. She will say 'chatty' about a person rather than a big mouth. But the subtleties are clever and not picked up on.

ResumetonormalASAP · 08/07/2020 09:33

I don't know why but in some tv shows/films etc... nice is shown as bland and nasty is interesting.
In reali life I've found this not to be the case and know some lovely, interesting people who are very 'nice' and quite a few uninteresting, self absorbed nasties.... so avoid those.

Malin52 · 08/07/2020 09:38

I literally have no friends who could be described as 'nice'. I adore a misery, a misanthrope and a curmudgeon and an opinionated gobshite. I have nothing in common with 'nice' people. The work cake makers, the baby coo'ers, the ones who go quiet when the conversation turns to anything interesting, the constant smilers. No. Hate nice people.

SmileyClare · 08/07/2020 09:42

I suppose there is some overlap between being nice and being a doormat.
I started a thread where my neighbour had basically stolen the buggy I was trying to sell after borrowing it to "try it out" and everyone told me For gods sake stop being so nice to her.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 08/07/2020 09:43

The work cake makers, the baby coo'ers, the ones who go quiet when the conversation turns to anything interesting, the constant smilers. No. Hate nice people.

How funny that you associate those traits with being nice. Especially "the ones who go quiet when the conversation turns to anything interesting"- how does that fit? What's 'nice' about that?

therealkittyfane · 08/07/2020 09:48

I agree. I know someone ‘nice’.

Saccharin Sweet, endlessly agreeable and understanding, gushes with delight at everything and bestows gargantuan amounts of praise and gratitude on others.

Everyone loves her. ‘The nicest person you could possibly meet’.

She has created and nurtured a persona for herself and is well rewarded by others for her efforts.

I have heard only one person describe her as ‘a bit much’ which resulted in gasps of horror from others.

I want to know what she actually thinks really, her own likes/dislikes...has she GOT an opinion?
I think people love her because she is so agreeable and compliant.

SmileyClare · 08/07/2020 09:51

That sounds entertaining on paper Malin but surely your friends would show you kindness (nicety) if you were going through some difficulty or needed support?

I think it usually pays to judge people on their actions rather than their words when deciding if they are nice people. People that make mistakes, hold strong opinions or love a moan can still be inherently nice.

I don't think there's anything wrong with reserving judgement on a new acquaintance who appears very nice.

I've now typed the word Nice so many times its lost all meaning

StuffThem · 08/07/2020 09:52

To me, nice is the type of being pleasant that is performative, usually of the ilk that is men bemoaning that women don't like "nice men" whilst proving that they are in fact anything but nice.

Kindness is far more important to me. I see kindness as the genuine version of the quality, and it isn't always nice.

Being nice - "yes of course trans women are women, come on in to all the women's spaces. Take part in women's sports!"

Being kind - "Hey, trans women deserve love and respect. You can't come into women's spaces or conpete in women's sports, and I'm sorry but it's not appropriate for you to be in DV women's shelters, but I'll support you in campaigning for third spaces and for your safety, welfare and acceptance."

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