A really funny, family-friendly joke please!

[Thingsarel00kingup]

Needed for later today please! I only know a few old ones and a few too many crude ones 😂

Please help.....😄

What do you do if you find a Spaceman?

.......Park man!!

Whats my favourite thing about Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus!

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

What do you get if you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador!

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

The oldest joke ever and the only one I can usually remember...(probably because it confused me so much as a small child!!)

Why did the orange stop rolling?

Because it ran out of juice.

What noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

(You have to say it outloud)

I've got a dog with no nose
How does he smell?
Awful!

Why don't ants get ill?

Because they have little anty bodies.

A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put one in for a Cowboy Outfit yesterday, now I'm only ten minutes away from owning Network Rail.

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.
"You pillock", I shouted, through gritted teeth.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!"

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Turn left here".

A bloke was walking down the street and another bloke throws a slice of cheese at him and the first bloke says "that was mature".

Just finished writing my book on penguins
.................in hindsight it would've been easier on paper.

What has four legs and can fly?
Two birds.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Last night I dreamt that I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up this morning and my pillow was gone!

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
Woolly jumpers

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A sign outside our local hospital reads
' thieves operate here '
Surely it would be safer to let the surgeons do it

My Odd Job guy is useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do and he only did 1/3/5 and 7.

...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? The p is silent!

What do you call a man with a spade through his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man with a spade removed from his head?
Douglas (Doug-less).

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A. You can't wash your hands in a bison

Q. Why did Timpsons stay open in the lockdown?
A. They are key workers

Q. What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
A. One is criminal and the other is a big sick bird.

Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed (kneaded) a poo 😂

Two goldfish sat in a tank. The first turns to the other and asks 'do you know how to drive this thing?'

How do you organise a space party?

You planet