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A really funny, family-friendly joke please!

67 replies

Thingsarel00kingup · 05/07/2020 15:13

Needed for later today please! I only know a few old ones and a few too many crude ones 😂

Please help.....😄

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/07/2020 16:42

Why don't ants get ill?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Grin

Also, how do you tell what sex an ant is? Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant; if it floats: boy ant!

Ohjustboreoff · 05/07/2020 16:47

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: To get to the idiot's house
You: Oh
Me: Knock Knock........

ListeningQuietly · 05/07/2020 16:50

Why was six scared of seven?

Because 7 8 9

Toilenstripes · 05/07/2020 16:57

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

hadtojoin · 05/07/2020 17:22

Man 'A' talking to his friend 'B' in the lounge.
A says 'We just bought a lovely new plant for our garden'
B says 'what is it called'
A 'Can't remember, but what is red, prickly stems and you give it to your partner on valentines day'
B 'A rose'
A ' thats right' He calls to his wife in kitchen 'ROSE ! ROSE ! what is the name of that plant we just bought'

Clawdy · 05/07/2020 17:33

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he saw the zebra crossing.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/07/2020 17:38

Why was six scared of seven?

Because 7 8 9

That's definitely the family-friendly version of that joke, but I also like 'because 7 was a registered 6-offender' Grin

iklboo · 05/07/2020 17:40

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi!

Two sausages in a pan. One says 'hot in here isn't it?' The other says 'Argh! A talking sausage'.

Two cows in a field. One says 'Mooo!' The other says 'Aw. I was just going to say that'.

What's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles's favourite chocolate spread? Donutella.

DCIHoops · 05/07/2020 17:44

Q - If you are Russian in the kitchen, and American in the lounge, what are you in the bathroom?

A - European! (You’re a peeing)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/07/2020 17:44

What did 0 say to 8. “Oh nice belt”

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
So you don’t wake the sleeping pills.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 05/07/2020 17:54

Thomas turns up late for the Last Supper, and is met by a very merry Peter. Peering round the door, Thomas sees that the disciples have all been tucking into takeaways and lager. "Thomas, I've got some bad news and some good news," says Peter. "The bad news is that Jesus has been arrested. The good news is that Judas has come into some money”.

PinkBuffalo · 05/07/2020 17:57

One pencil said to the other “you are looking sharp” Grin

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh · 05/07/2020 17:57

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

One's weaselly identified - the other's stoatally different!

Those are my two favourite jokes of all time! Grin

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 05/07/2020 17:58

(that one probably didn’t fit the criteria tbh Blush)

Chatons · 05/07/2020 17:59

What has got 3 wheels and zooms around on the bottom of a lake?

A motorpike and sidecarp.

Chatons · 05/07/2020 18:00

Why did Edward Woodward have four Ds in his name?

Cos else he’d have been called Ewar Woowar.

AlexCabot · 05/07/2020 18:01

Combine harvesters.

Then you'd have a really big restaurant.

campion · 05/07/2020 18:14

Man finds a penguin walking down road and asks a passing policeman what he should do with it.
"Take it to the zoo".

Next day policeman sees man and penguin.
"I thought you were taking it to the zoo?"

Man: "I did. He really enjoyed it, so we're going to the cinema today!"

GameSetMatch · 05/07/2020 18:19

A panda walks in to a bar and shoots the bar tender, a man asks the panda why he did it, the panda tossed a man a badly punctuated dictionary, it said ‘Panda eats shoots and leaves.’

MusicianTom · 05/07/2020 18:41

What do you get if you cross a sheep with an octopus?

A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Council and immediate cessation of funding.

Ormally · 05/07/2020 19:05

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An Ex-Tractor Fan.

Why was the squirrel swimming on its back?
It was keeping its nuts dry.

The Dalai Lama rings up for a pizza: "Make me one with everything."

jackparlabane · 05/07/2020 19:10

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why can't penguins fly?
Because they're chocolate biscuits.

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

Bigoldwimp · 05/07/2020 19:16

Venison ! Dear isn’t it?

DustyMaiden · 05/07/2020 19:16

I hate negative numbers. I stop at nothing to avoid them.

InMyOwnParticularIdiom · 05/07/2020 19:17

What type of cheese do you use to coax a bear out of a cave?
Camembert (come on bear)

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