A really funny, family-friendly joke please!

[Thingsarel00kingup]

Needed for later today please! I only know a few old ones and a few too many crude ones 😂

Please help.....😄

Why don't ants get ill?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Also, how do you tell what sex an ant is? Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant; if it floats: boy ant!

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: To get to the idiot's house
You: Oh
Me: Knock Knock........

Why was six scared of seven?

Because 7 8 9

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

Man 'A' talking to his friend 'B' in the lounge.
A says 'We just bought a lovely new plant for our garden'
B says 'what is it called'
A 'Can't remember, but what is red, prickly stems and you give it to your partner on valentines day'
B 'A rose'
A ' thats right' He calls to his wife in kitchen 'ROSE ! ROSE ! what is the name of that plant we just bought'

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he saw the zebra crossing.

Why was six scared of seven?

Because 7 8 9

That's definitely the family-friendly version of that joke, but I also like 'because 7 was a registered 6-offender'

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi!

Two sausages in a pan. One says 'hot in here isn't it?' The other says 'Argh! A talking sausage'.

Two cows in a field. One says 'Mooo!' The other says 'Aw. I was just going to say that'.

What's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles's favourite chocolate spread? Donutella.

Q - If you are Russian in the kitchen, and American in the lounge, what are you in the bathroom?

A - European! (You’re a peeing)

What did 0 say to 8. “Oh nice belt”

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
So you don’t wake the sleeping pills.

Thomas turns up late for the Last Supper, and is met by a very merry Peter. Peering round the door, Thomas sees that the disciples have all been tucking into takeaways and lager. "Thomas, I've got some bad news and some good news," says Peter. "The bad news is that Jesus has been arrested. The good news is that Judas has come into some money”.

One pencil said to the other “you are looking sharp”

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

One's weaselly identified - the other's stoatally different!

Those are my two favourite jokes of all time!

(that one probably didn’t fit the criteria tbh )

What has got 3 wheels and zooms around on the bottom of a lake?

A motorpike and sidecarp.

Why did Edward Woodward have four Ds in his name?

Cos else he’d have been called Ewar Woowar.

Combine harvesters.

Then you'd have a really big restaurant.

Man finds a penguin walking down road and asks a passing policeman what he should do with it.
"Take it to the zoo".

Next day policeman sees man and penguin.
"I thought you were taking it to the zoo?"

Man: "I did. He really enjoyed it, so we're going to the cinema today!"

A panda walks in to a bar and shoots the bar tender, a man asks the panda why he did it, the panda tossed a man a badly punctuated dictionary, it said ‘Panda eats shoots and leaves.’

What do you get if you cross a sheep with an octopus?

A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Council and immediate cessation of funding.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An Ex-Tractor Fan.

Why was the squirrel swimming on its back?
It was keeping its nuts dry.

The Dalai Lama rings up for a pizza: "Make me one with everything."

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why can't penguins fly?
Because they're chocolate biscuits.

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

Venison ! Dear isn’t it?

I hate negative numbers. I stop at nothing to avoid them.

What type of cheese do you use to coax a bear out of a cave?
Camembert (come on bear)