What is it about weddings that brings out the worst in some people?

[Billyjoearmstrong]

I’m due a baby in August, having an Elective section and had the date booked in by the consultant a couple of weeks ago.

Dh was taking to SIL this morning, she asked if I had a date booked yet and he told her.

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

She’s getting married on the same date next year and has thrown a wobbly because it will be dds first birthday.

She’s asking if I can get the date changed. No, I can’t. And to be honest I’ve got lots of complications and I’m not sure that we will both be okay, this is the first day they can book me in for and I’d rather not wait a few days. I want to get it over with as soon as I can as I’m shitting myself as it is and to be honest, when they gave me the date the last thing on my mind was the date of a wedding next year.

So now she’s pissed off that a) the baby will turn one on her wedding day and it might take away some of her shine.

And

B) that at if the worst happens and me or the baby die then Dh and the children would be upset on that date and wouldn’t enjoy her day.

Dh did tell her to shut and grow up at that point. (The only reason the family know about these complications is that we’ve been under increasing pressure to meet up, let the children go to them for sleepovers etc and we are staying isolated as Covid would add another layer of horrific that I really don’t need on top of everything else so we had to shut them up

She will only be one, she’s not going to know it’s her birthday. We’ll have a little tea party the day before or something it’s not a big deal - she will be our third so it’s kit like when it’s your PFB and the first birthday is an epic event.

We won’t even mention it at her wedding. I’ll stay at home with the baby if she wants me to if it’s that much of a big deal to her. I really don’t mind either way. The wedding is a huge county house deal, no one will care about one baby out of everything that will be going on anyway.

I’ve always thought she was quite rational up now but bloody hell.

Now MIL has called to see if it’s possible to change the date of the section as SIL called her upset.

I’m not bloody changing the date! I’m stressed and scared and I couldn’t give a shit about SIL wedding right now, over something that’s really not a big deal.

Omg what is the matter with these freaks? I got married on my cousins first birthday. The whole congregation sang ‘happy birthday’ to him led by dB the chief organising whatever it’s called person - usher - whilst they were waiting for me and my dad. And we did it again just after we cut the cake. Now he is 21 and he quipped that he’ll be returning the favour at his birthday party in august - having everyone sing to us. He says we thre him the poshest bday party ever - the photos are so sweet of me cuddling him in my big dress and him thinking it was all for him!

I am so sorry about your selfish SIL. I hope all goes well with the birth.

I have just read your update - that she is 40! WTF! I was 25 and saw that it was sweet to share. What a dreadfully selfish person. I would cut your losses and be incredibly kind from now on.
‘Of course we won’t ruin your day, we know how special it is for you, so we aren’t coming”
Then grey rock.

Save your money, don't go to the wedding. Guaranteed, they will be divorced in a year.

Ffs. That is unbelievable. Tell your mil exactly what her spoilt brat said.
Block the lot of them.

She has a year, she can change the date to her precious wedding if it matters that much.

Yanbu OP

I've just thought a little further about your SIL's second comment.

To say something like that, she obviously ran through in her mind the scenario of the worst happening to you or your baby. Any normal person would just stop there, the mere idea being too awful to contemplate. But she obviously went further, thinking that would be the anniversary of the death of a child, or of a mother/wife/daughter/sister-in-law/all the other things you are, and as such her DH would be sad that day - but still attend her wedding.

It's awful. To actually think those things, let alone say them out loud. I don't think I could see her in the same light.

Good luck for August.

I am so sorry this has been brought to the forefront of your mind and in a way that means your unlikely to look at your SIL with respect again.
Try to remember the positives in what the consultant said, a risk is not a certainty and there is every reason to believe you and your one year old will be interrupting the ceremony in August 2021.

@ARoseInHarlem right? I can’t imagine ever saying something like that.

The exact words were (I pushed Dh to tell me) “and what if Billy and the baby do end up dying? You and (the children) are hardly going to have fun on the anniversary of it”

That’s when he told her to fuck off and hung up. MIL phoned him about ten mins later.

In need to stop thinking about it. I’m just building it up in my head now.

How does the sentence "if you baby dies..." even start. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. Weird. I got married on my cousins 1st wedding anniversary... and a family members birthday to boot.

Ugh it really is awful. Unfortunately I can't think of any way of dealing with the SIL issue that isn't going to make you feel worse/more fearful. Remember, as a pp said, you are having a C-section as the safest option, to prevent anything like that happening.

You CAN plan to give it to her both barrels when the baby's here. In fact, write it in the calendar so you don't forget - but don't think about the details of what you'll say until after you're both safe and all is well. Then come back here and we'll help you write a script

Your SIL is a dick. Weddings and births bring out the absolute worst in people (I’m excluding pregnant/new mothers from that). It’s like it magnifies their absolute worst traits. Your MIL is a dick too. I’d be done with them if I’m honest, I couldn’t look at either of them in the same way again. Of course you can’t change your section date, when I had a planned one you got given a date and that was that, it would only be changed to be earlier for a medical reason. Imagine you had a tantrum and asked her to change her wedding date due to your c section date? She would find that ridiculous but I’m sure she can’t see that she’s being ridiculous because she’s just not a nice person, clearly.

Just focus on enjoying family time right now and don't engage in any wedding talk/interest!

I can't believe your MIL even thinks you could change your section date which is being performed on the NHS for medical reasons 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fucking hell.

My DS 3rd birthday was the same day as my cousins wedding. They had a cake brought out to him before the speeches and everyone sang happy birthday.

Your SIL is a cow.

OP really, just change the angle in you mind, and laugh at what an immature twat she is.

The good side of this is, your DH stood up for you. Seems to be a very rare thing in MN world!!
Hope everything goes well for you

That’s despicable. She really should’ve known better considering her own story.

I had an awful time with my ILs over our very small casual wedding. They behaved absolutely bat shit mental and even 10 years later it hurts a lot and relationships are damaged irreparably over basically nothing.

You’ve got enough going on right now without giving her headspace so try to push her out of your mind. She’ll get over it.

Well done your DH on telling her to fuck off and blocking her. I'm sure I could ever forgive a comment like that. She'd have to crawl on broken glass before I could even speak to her again.

What a nutcase!

Block her too and concentrate on August. Hope all goes well with you all.

Oh OP that's a fucking dreadful thing for her to have said to you. I hope you take some heart from the fact that the vipers of Mumsnet are entirely on your side.

She’s deranged. Try to ignore her and leave DH to deal with his family.

Hope the delivery goes well for both of you x

DH's relative got married on our wedding anniversary. We didn't tell them, but some other relation must have done. We got a special mention by the groom during the speeches, and everyone gave us a round of applause. Somebody else had a birthday and we all sang Happy Birthday to them as well.

That's what normal people do.

I agree with others, your MIL needs to know what she said.

I know it’s not the same but we had to schedule my lovely mums funeral on our wedding anniversary for various reasons it was the only choice. I didn’t say anything and close family didn’t remember with the grief etc.
It sounds like the wedding has scrambled her mind and she has lost all rational good sense. I don’t think I’d want to go after that comment.

I'd ask her to change the date of her wedding.
If her husband to be leaves her at the alter it would ruin your child's first birthday.
She should be more considerate.

SIL is an absolute absurd cunt in this instance. Disgustingly absurd.

I'd be tempted to message "I apologise in advance if my death negatively affects your big day. Very inconsiderate of me."

Seriously fuck her wedding. I could not be arsed attending.

[quote Billyjoearmstrong]@ARoseInHarlem right? I can’t imagine ever saying something like that.

The exact words were (I pushed Dh to tell me) “and what if Billy and the baby do end up dying? You and (the children) are hardly going to have fun on the anniversary of it”

[/quote]
Your MIL needs to know that's what she said

If I was your DH that would be the moment my relationship with my sister ended for a very long time, if not forever

It would certainly be the moment I considered her wedding an event that my family and I would not be attending.

The fact her partner has been through cancer makes her comment even worse imo, she should understand how terrified her brother is right now.

Good luck to you and your little family