What is it about weddings that brings out the worst in some people?

[Billyjoearmstrong]

I’m due a baby in August, having an Elective section and had the date booked in by the consultant a couple of weeks ago.

Dh was taking to SIL this morning, she asked if I had a date booked yet and he told her.

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

She’s getting married on the same date next year and has thrown a wobbly because it will be dds first birthday.

She’s asking if I can get the date changed. No, I can’t. And to be honest I’ve got lots of complications and I’m not sure that we will both be okay, this is the first day they can book me in for and I’d rather not wait a few days. I want to get it over with as soon as I can as I’m shitting myself as it is and to be honest, when they gave me the date the last thing on my mind was the date of a wedding next year.

So now she’s pissed off that a) the baby will turn one on her wedding day and it might take away some of her shine.

And

B) that at if the worst happens and me or the baby die then Dh and the children would be upset on that date and wouldn’t enjoy her day.

Dh did tell her to shut and grow up at that point. (The only reason the family know about these complications is that we’ve been under increasing pressure to meet up, let the children go to them for sleepovers etc and we are staying isolated as Covid would add another layer of horrific that I really don’t need on top of everything else so we had to shut them up

She will only be one, she’s not going to know it’s her birthday. We’ll have a little tea party the day before or something it’s not a big deal - she will be our third so it’s kit like when it’s your PFB and the first birthday is an epic event.

We won’t even mention it at her wedding. I’ll stay at home with the baby if she wants me to if it’s that much of a big deal to her. I really don’t mind either way. The wedding is a huge county house deal, no one will care about one baby out of everything that will be going on anyway.

I’ve always thought she was quite rational up now but bloody hell.

Now MIL has called to see if it’s possible to change the date of the section as SIL called her upset.

I’m not bloody changing the date! I’m stressed and scared and I couldn’t give a shit about SIL wedding right now, over something that’s really not a big deal.

Who cares if she's later mortified (which I doubt)? Focus on your pregnancy and the baby.

OP I really, really hope that you and your baby are fine.
As for your SIL, I hope she falls off a fucking cliff. She's either been driven mad by her own wedding or she's a psychopath. I'm actually furious on your behalf.

In answer to your question, people put so much time, mental effort, money, social effort into a wedding that they lose all sense of proportion.

Big weddings only really work if the b&g have someone else doing ALL the arrangements for them, or if they're able to keep a level head and a sense of humour if they're to do all the arrangements themselves. Your SIL is a case in point. Asking a woman to change her scheduled C-Section date ONE YEAR BEFORE her wedding can only ever happen if you're utterly, completely consumed by wedding planning to the exclusion of all else.

Also speechless at a 40yo mother of children whose DH has survived cancer treatment going running to her mum...

I would ask your husband to point out to her:

1. if something happened to you and the baby, everyone is going to be upset whatever the date of her wedding.
2. What she said is horrific and as a consequence, none of you will now be going, or see her again anyway so problem solved for her.

Wishing you all the best for you and your baby.

Wow! I mean, wow!

That has to be the height of selfishness. Let her change the date of her wedding if it bothers her that much.

She sounds ridiculous. I would feel so hurt.

My DH friend sent an adults only invitation to their wedding, which happened to fall on DS's 7th birthday. We said we wouldn't be going and why (no babysitter either) and they extended the invitation to include both sons.

On the day the bride, that we didn't really know well, had left a birthday present in DS's place at the table and also wished him happy birthday. So thoughtful. Everyone else wished him happy birthday and moved on to celebrating the wedding.

I hope your sister in law apologises when she realises what she has said and done.

Fucking hell SIL!

She's deranged. The idea of a one year old stealing her thunder is silly and childish but the comment about your/your baby's death potentially spoiling her big day is just horrific. What kind of person even thinks that, never mind says it. I don't see that her partner having survived cancer excuses this behaviour. I understand why they want a big celebration, but having gone through the experience of having had a seriously ill partner herself, surely that should make her more sensitive to your current situation if anything, not less?
Honestly, I would be tempted to reply along the lines of "Dear SIL, after giving the situation a lot of thought, we can see that our baby's first birthday coinciding with the wedding that you have put so much time, effort and money into is a big problem for you. We really don't want to spoil the day for you so have agreed on a way that will ensure the birthday doesn't affect the wedding. We will be staying at home to celebrate our child's birthday. This should ensure that you have no reminders of the birthday, thus allowing your wedding to go without a hitch. Have a nice day."

I think you have been very restrained to be honest! As if your dh would want to go to wedding at all on that date if the unthinkable happened to you or baby.She is a self centred witch.

Firstly, OP, I hope all goes well for you and the new baby.
To answer your question, people make such a deal about wedding these days for a number of reasons.
Firstly, because they are probably shelling out a large sum of money for an event that is already subject to quite a few variables.
Secondly, because, for a certain section of the population, this is their one and only chance to be "important" for a few hours in their entire life.
Your SIL is being totally ridiculous. If I were being evil, I would just counter with "well this is this year and definite, how do we know what next year will bring", although that might set her off in a different direction entirely (implying that there is no certainty she will even get married, whereas currently you are certain to have a baby).

Hope it all goes well for you

Your SIL sounds horrific and your MIL as bad!

Imagine being 40, with children, and such an immature prat! Wow, just wow. Good on your husband telling her to fuck off. OP, just laugh at how ridiculous she is and ignore her.

And 3 years if planning?! Are they royalty?

Ugh this is horrible. You must be really hurt.

I wouldn't get in touch with her at all until she does and then expect an apology. The whole affair has clearly sent her mad unless she is usually an utterly self obsessed cowbag.

Good luck with the birth of your baby.

That's one of the worst things I've ever heard somebody say.

For me, that would be a fuck off, drop the phone and don't contact her again. She could fuck off and have her wedding without me. Being the centre of attention for one day is obviously more important than her family's lives. I am so angry on your behalf!

It’s put me on a bit of a downward spiral this afternoon. I was trying not to think about the birth for a bit

Oh, love. Don't give her another thought. She's bonkers. Enjoy being with your dh and dcs, put your feet up and do something you enjoy - unless it is to consider the genius suggestion on the last page, which you might have missed, but which might make you smile

Tempting to wind her up and suggest a section after the speechs to sing Happy Birthday. A separate cake table for the birthday cake. Perhaps a children’s entertainer for the birthday party section of the day. Ask if the photographer could do a first birthday shot.

Look after yourself, and your lovely dh, and put her out of your minds.

It’s the most unpleasant thing to say and there’s absolutely no excuse for it. I think this very strange time has made people behave in ways they normally wouldn’t and say things they wouldn’t dream of saying in normal circumstances.

You need to distance from them for a while at least, but please don’t let it take you down. You have your planned date and need to think about the baby at the end of that. If she doesn’t calm down in the future, do what you said and opt out of the wedding next year and celebrate with your one year old.

She’s a CF. I can’t stand what weddings do to brides. Even experienced a psycho bridesmaid recently too

Does MIL know precisely what SIL said about either you dying or losing the baby? I suspect not and if she already sounded contrite about asking she would probably be horrified. Make sure DH tells her exactly what SIL said and why she is now blocked!

They live together, and have children. And their wedding has been three years in the planning? Why, in the name of God?
Apart from the nonsense of asking you to change the date of your child's birth to leave her in the full spotlight, which renders her certifiable all by itself

She's totally bonkers. And she's 40 with kids of her own you say? Surely once you have kids it teaches you you don't need to be the centre of attention all the time!!

@SeasonFinale Dh said MIL just asked if it was possible to change the section date as SIL was so upset that it would be the same date as Dd birthday. Dh just said no and ended the call saying he wasn’t discussing it. He said she sounded quite embarrassed asking.

So I have no idea if she knows what SIL said - I assume not as she’s a good person. I think she would be pretty horrified if she knew what SIL had said.

I don't think she can know can she? I wonder if SIL even realises what she actually said out loud.

Try to focus on lovely stuff OP instead of old Loopy Fuckwad. I would refuse to engage with this nonsense any more at all. Do something distracting this aft and take care of yourself.

SIL is quite pouty and foot stampy with their parents. I’ve never understood it - we’re the same age and she does have form for running to mummy to sort things out still.

SIL will probably realise the Dh has blocked her number for a while at some point and I’m sure she will get MIL to ask why. I’m sure he will tell her exactly why then. The birthday thing he said he could just laugh at and tell her not to be so stupid, but the other comment has really got to us both. It’s the first time anyone other than my consultant has said it out loud, it’s hit quite hard.