15yo DD heard DP and I having sex

[Sooooooembarrassed]

We are sooo embarrassed and I imagine and totally understand that DD is equally embarrassed. We were in the middle of DTD when DD's bedroom door opened. Seconds later there was 5 large bangs on the wall. We were mortified and of course stopped immediately.

There is no excuse, other than DP and I don't live together and emotions overcame us. Additionally DD is always with me; she doesn't see her father and is more of a loner than someone with a large group of friends.

We thought she was asleep so thought it was 'safe'. After going to the toilet which was initially her reason for waking she went to get a glass of what and I went down to apologise to her and asked if she wanted to talk about anything to which she said no and went back to bed.

She's found it hard me having a boyfriend as it has just been the two of us all her life.

I have decided that I'm going to limit DP coming to my house to every other week to ensure there's just DD and me time.

But still after tonight I feel awful that I may have really done some damage to her mentally.

Well it’s embarrassing for everyone but you’ll all get over it. Just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Hopefully as she gets older she’ll be out with friends more - or get her really good headphones!

Thank you everyone for your comments, it has made me feel a lot better. It wasn't wailing noise, just heavy breathing and bed springs (new builds and thin walls 🙄).

I will not bring the sex issue up but will definitely have a chat with her about DP anyway. We've been together 18 months and DD says she likes him (although you wouldn't know it of late) but he can be a bit much and some of his traits annoy her. He's a bigger personality than we're used to in the house so I understand what she's saying there.

When he's around she spends all her time in her room despite being invited to join us for film/games/walks etc. Whereas when it's just the two of us she's far more engaged in us doing any of the above together.

I really don't know what to do for the best. DP is already paranoid she doesn't like him. I would never leave a relationship because DD doesn't like him but at the same time it's DD's home too so don't want her to be unhappy in her own home.

DP currently spends every weekend here and 1 night a week which is why I'm thinking of saying he should only come eow.

Can you get a babysitter / sleepover for her on a Saturday night and go to his? Then she gets to do stuff at the weekend with you and you still see him.

Or he just comes over one day/night instead of the whole weekend.

Hi OP, I really relate to your situation. It's always been just DD and me (her father isn't involved) and I thought I was doing the right thing by not dating for the first 12 years of her life (although a lot of that was lack of time). She was extremely possessive and absolutely loathed the idea of sharing me with anyone else. I have had relationships since then, but because our house is so much her safe place, never felt comfortable with anyone staying over. DD used to stay every second weekend with my parents from about 14, partly for a change of scene, and then at some point I was ok leaving her for a night on her own, which she really liked anyway.
I had exes telling me that she was too much in control. Maybe she was, but when you're the only parent it's tough figuring it out. The child (or eldest child if more than one) is probably "consulted" more on decisions than if a partner is involved.

Surely the normal response to hearing your parent having sex is to put your fucking headphones in and if you are brave enough tell them the next day, or text them the next day.

We have two teenage sons and if they banged on the wall I would think it was incredibly rude. Neighbours are totally different, if you can hear them through the wall they must be loud

Sex is natural, it was between two consenting adults, she must know you have sex.

Go round to his and have sex during the day. Abstain when he's at yours so she doesn't have to hear you, but she isn't left alone at night and she sees a normal relationship in action. Don't limit your time together, just make sure she doesn't hear you.

Just out of curiosity, to the posters who said the daughter is rude, if you heard your child (over the age of 16) having sex with their partner, would you turn the tv up and ignore it, thinking it’s just a normal part of an adult relationship? Or would you feel sick and not want to have to hear that?

How loud were you even being? If you could hear her use the toilet then how could you even relax knowing she could hear you too?? Its not hard to have quieter sex, during lockdown we are basically being silent cause of thin walls!! And we have respect for other family members!

Lobsterquadrille that is it exactly - I include her in all decisions about the house generally (major purchases for it) and discuss most things with her. She is very mature for her age and responsible (as an example I would be more than happy if/when she goes to uni or moves out that she'll know exactly how to look after herself).

Unfortunately there's no family nearby to arrange sleepovers with and as I said she has a couple of really close friends but doesn't really have sleepovers at theirs - her friends prefer to come here to get a break from their parents 🙄

We're all going on holiday in August but DD has a friend joining us. If DD's friend wasn't going to come there would have been a big discussion between DD and I about whether DP was joining us. It's not about her having control, for me it's about taking into account her feelings on the matter and making her know that her feelings and thoughts are valid. I also want to make sure she knows and feels that she will always be number 1 to me.

At the same time DP has been a really really positive help to me. Having suffered with MH difficulties in the past just having someone there to give me a hug or load the dishwasher or generally be there has really helped my mood overall (that's not the only reason I'm with him, I genuinely think our personalities just match and it's all so easy).

Lilgreen actually this week and last week that is what we have done and it's worked quite well in terms of on Friday just gone, DD and I spent the evening together and had a laugh and then DP came over yesterday. The weekend before DP came over on the Friday night but went home on the Saturday with DD and I having a really good evening and 'girl's' day on the Sunday which worked well.

Sorry I should have said going to his for daytime sex is not an option due to his living arrangements. During lockdown he stayed at our house (i did discuss with DD beforehand him staying) but I could see DD was getting really fed up with him being here so as soon as the rules were relaxed I asked him to go back home.

I banged on the wall once when my parents were having sex. My bed shared an interior wall with theirs, and tbh at the time I wanted them to stop!

DP and I have always been careful when kids are about (though my 14 year old sleeps through everything in the world it seems) and use cushions against the headboard, position the bed furthest away from any internal walls, and are almost silent with each other.

The louder stuff is when we take a sneaky day off when they're at school, or we ask them to run up the shop for something!

I will not bring the sex issue up but will definitely have a chat with her about DP anyway. We've been together 18 months and DD says she likes him (although you wouldn't know it of late) but he can be a bit much and some of his traits annoy her. He's a bigger personality than we're used to in the house so I understand what she's saying there.

When he's around she spends all her time in her room despite being invited to join us for film/games/walks etc. Whereas when it's just the two of us she's far more engaged in us doing any of the above together.

I really don't know what to do for the best. DP is already paranoid she doesn't like him. I would never leave a relationship because DD doesn't like him but at the same time it's DD's home too so don't want her to be unhappy in her own home.

This sounds exactly like me at her age. I genuinely didn’t like my Mum's partner (with good reason, he was an arse and she couldn't see it). I tried to hide in my room and not join in activities. I felt like I didn’t belong in my own home, because it was their home now and I was just a lodger. Someone who was getting in the way. The collateral damage from the past.

I think you should speak to her and try to get her to open up about how she feels, and try to figure out how best to proceed. She may not come around, and there's not much you can do about that other than letting her hide in her room if that's where she feels comfortable.

DoTheNextRightThing that is exactly what I'm concerned about. Yes when DP leaves today I'll talk to DD. We have to go food shopping so will try then so it's not so formal as putting her on the spot about it so hopefully she'll feel less pressured about opening up.

Her room is definitely her safe space, and I never break that (I.e. knock before entering, don't enter if she's not in there without her knowing etc).

Thank you everyone for your input.

I think you sound like a great mum op and you’re right to take into account her feelings. Being 14 is hard at times even without your mum having a bf so good on you for thinking this through and trying to strike a balance.

Thank you lilgreen, I think I needed to hear that.

You’re welcome. Good luck

de ja vu

I think most teens wouldnt want to hear their parent having sex.

No one wants to hear their parents having sex, especially when its with a partner they essentially hide from. It isn’t hard to have quiet sex, if your bed is causing the noise then don’t have sex on the bed, stick a towel or something on the floor. We tested my flat, I went into my sons bedroom and a friend made sex noises and bounced about on the bed, you couldn’t hear anything, but I still wouldn’t have noisey sex with him in the flat.

My son walked in on me having sex when he was three, we had just been working on waiting until someone wasn’t busy before asking them something. So I have no idea how long he had been stood there when we heard “i’ve done a poo” thankfully being three he didn’t know what was going on and probably won’t remember it.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Just out of curiosity, to the posters who said the daughter is rude, if you heard your child (over the age of 16) having sex with their partner, would you turn the tv up and ignore it, thinking it’s just a normal part of an adult relationship? Or would you feel sick and not want to have to hear that?

People can say ‘she was rude, sex is natural, she needs to get over it’ until they’re blue in the face but hearing your parents have sex is hideously uncomfortable as a teenager. I heard my parents when I was about 16 and yes, I banged on the wall.

I’m 30 and, natural or not, the thought of my parents having sex still makes me want to peel my skin off.

I walked in 😬😬😬 on my DM & her partner - they didn’t see and I walked out, quickly left and locked the door (I’d just got home) & caught up with my friends who thought it was hilarious!! I didn’t!

I went home an hour later and told them - they were suitably embarrassed. I still take the mickey out of them now 25 years later 🤣

I certainly never heard my parents having sex! FFS can't you wait until she's out or something?

I think it’s a bit gross you were having loud sex while your daughter was in the house.