Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Only Child Guilt

54 replies

MrsMc15 · 25/06/2020 23:39

Hi everyone - this is my first post! I am 36 and myself and my husband have a little boy who will soon be 3. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage last week and we have both said that we feel that maybe we should content ourselves that we have a happy healthy little boy. I would have loved a second child if alone to ensure our son never felt lonely in the world. I was nervous and stressed about conceiving the second time as we’re so context as we are. My worry is that we’ll look back in years to come and regret not giving our son a sibling when we do still have opportunity to do so. Right now neither of us feel that we could start into that journey again as I have bad morning sickness in my first pregnancy and was extremely unwell after the miscarriage. Is it selfish to leave him without a sibling or does anyone have a positive reaction to parenting an only? Thanks x

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 25/06/2020 23:48

I'm sorry for your loss.

I am an only child and I have just the one child myself. We're both fully functioning people and perfectly content without siblings.

Dd is nearly 16 and has never been interested in siblings and I cant remember ever being bothered either.

It's a bit harder as an adult, especially once parents start ageing and becoming unwell,but I know plenty of people in that situation whose siblings are utterly useless.

I met up with my cousin (also an only) the other day, our dads' brother passed away recently and theres been a lot of aggro with their half siblings - she said she's bloody glad she hasn't got any to deal with!

Bananasplitlady · 25/06/2020 23:56

I think selfish is a tad OTT.

I have one. One is perfect for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2020 23:57

I'm sorry for your loss, but the "only child guilt" is just silly. I'm an only and I know many, many others. We had brilliant childhoods and wouldn't change a thing. Having a sibling in no way guarantees a blissful childhood or life. I know many people who absolutely hate their siblings, and as adults have zero contact. Having or not having a sibling is irrelevant.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
Pipandmum · 26/06/2020 00:01

No guarantee siblings will get on.
There must be some stats some where as to how many only children have only children parents - I bet a fair few, which would tend to validate that those people didn't feel they were missing out on not having a sibling.

Viragoesque · 26/06/2020 00:10

Honestly, on these threads I often see the most insane idealising of sibling relationships.

Original poster
MrsMc15 · 26/06/2020 00:14

I understand this is your opinion but for both of us it is not a case of idealizing as we’re both from big families and extremely close to our siblings

OP posts:
Viragoesque · 26/06/2020 00:16

But that’s no guarantee your child will be close to a hypothetical sibling.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 26/06/2020 00:21

I’m sorry OP but this statement:
I would have loved a second child if alone to ensure our son never felt lonely in the world
Is utterly ridiculous. There are millions of people out there with siblings who are abusive, they are no contact with, or simply have no relationship with.
Additionally, to have two children and place such a burden on them that they must never let the other feel lonely is unfair.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 26/06/2020 00:29

I'm one of 4, DW is the younger of 2, DD is an only. While DW wanted more, another would have broken us. As it turned out, our fertility was right at the lower limit. My brothers and I are not close due to our boarding school fucking us up beyond repair, and SIL is a snob who rings twice a year.

DD is the most gregarious person I know. She didn't need siblings, she had friends. You can pick those.

romdowa · 26/06/2020 00:30

My mother had her second child , my brother for this very reason , because she didnt want me to be alone. I barely speak to my brother, he is an addict and spent many years ruining our lives. Have a second child for yourself not because you think your child will suffer in anyway being an only child. My life would have been far easier had I been one.

Original poster
MrsMc15 · 26/06/2020 00:33

I disagree that my feelings on this should be deemed “ridiculous”, I personally feel that this alone is a valid reason. This isn’t the only reason we wanted a second child but that was something of importance to me and therefore shouldn’t be dismissed as being ridiculous. There is no need to give your opinion in such a nasty manner

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMc15 · 26/06/2020 00:35

Thank you for all the positive replies and feedback, it has definitely been of help Smile

OP posts:
chubbyhotchoc · 26/06/2020 00:37

I don't think it's selfish. I have real anxiety about this whole thing as well. My dd is 6 and I really agonised about having another child. On the one hand she was totally enough for me and I didn't particularly enjoy the newborn stage and the endless sleepless nights. Another thing that put me off was I also have this weird anxiety about death and I figured if anything was to ever happen to my dd I couldn't go on but if you have another child you have to go on and that scares me stupid. On the other hand I love her so much I want her to have EVERYTHING I can possibly give her. I want her to have a friend ( albeit a lot younger) and someone to open presents with. I want her to have as much family that love her as possible after I go.
We decided to try but I had a mmc. I thought it was fate telling me another wasn't right but something told me to try just once more. I got pregnant quite quick and had awful morning sickness too. I'm 18 weeks and found out it's a girl. I feel like I've been pregnant forever already but I think I am doing the right thing. Love the idea dd will always have someone there and hopefully a lifelong friend to go shopping with etc.
Those are my garbled anxiety filled thoughts anyway Smile

Original poster
MrsMc15 · 26/06/2020 00:47

You’re very very blessed, wishing you luck with your second baby. Just as you say - I want my child
yo have those experiences and to nurture a close relationship between them.

OP posts:
PaperMonster · 26/06/2020 06:15

Mine’s an only, but definitely not lonely! I’m surrounded by fully functioning adults who were only children. Maybe instead of guilt (cos really, what have you to feel guilty for?) you’re feeling grief over the pregnancy loss and the loss of a future child?

SoloMummy · 26/06/2020 06:47

@MrsMc15

I understand this is your opinion but for both of us it is not a case of idealizing as we’re both from big families and extremely close to our siblings
@MrsMc15 That's similar to my family. My lo is an only child, but has a close sibling like relationship with their cousins. It's not quite the same, but incredibly lucky as has the benefits of "siblings" without having to share Mum, finances etc.
MinnieMountain · 26/06/2020 06:52

I strongly disagree that wanting your child to have a sibling so that they are not alone in the world will always work.

It's great that you and your DH have good relationships with your siblings, but it's still by no means guaranteed. Thinking of my own (4) siblings here. And BIL who DH gets on with but barely sees.

We chose to stick with 1 DC after I miscarried a planned DC when I was 37.

DS is 6. He's happy and confident. We've got plenty of time for him and time to do our own things without it impacting on family life.

Ragwort · 26/06/2020 06:55

It's obviously much harder when you had originally hoped to have more than one child than for someone like me who made a positive choice to only have one child, I knew even before I had my DS that I would never, ever want a second DC.

I have never felt guilty' about my DS not having a sibling. He is a happy, well adjusted 19 year old with a wide circle of friends, loads of confidence and gets on well with lots of different people. (But then so are many young people with siblings Confused). He's never even commented about having a sibling, he knows that he's had a lot of experiences that might not have been possible if he'd had to share with a brother or sister.

UnaOfStormhold · 26/06/2020 07:01

I would recommend the book "Parenting your only child" - while struggling with similar guilt after secondary infertility, it really helped me shift perspective, recognise that only children have advantages as well as disadvantages and discover how to mitigate the latter.

Onceuponatimethen · 26/06/2020 07:09

I’m really sorry you lost your baby Flowers

I’ve also had a mc op and so understand your feelings at this difficult time. But a week ago is so very recent and of course everything will be so raw right now. OH and I were really upset after our mc and it took several months for us to be able to think straight.

I would give yourselves quite a while before making any decisions like this - mc are so hard and you will need time to heal physically and emotionally.

If it wasn’t possible for you to have another baby then I’m sure your lovely dc would still have a very happy and fulfilling life. If you decide to have a sibling there is every hope they would be close and happy together. But I think this is a decision it would be best to park for now, if you possibly can.

Onceuponatimethen · 26/06/2020 07:11

I should have said that I eventually became pg for the third time at 39 and had dd2 just before I turned 40.

userxx · 26/06/2020 07:26

Don't worry about it, I'm an only child and have never felt lonely, I've got lots of friends and on the plus side once my parents go I'll be very well off, no sharing inheritance 👍.

userxx · 26/06/2020 07:27

That was actually a joke..... didn't come across that way though!

Lockdownseperation · 26/06/2020 07:34

I have a 4 year old and a nearly 1 year old. Im pretty sure my older child would be happier if she didn’t have a sibling.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/06/2020 08:01

Every family is different and there are pros and cons to these decisions but tbh sounds like you really want to try for another. Maybe take a break before deciding outright?