Only Child Guilt

[MrsMc15]

Hi everyone - this is my first post! I am 36 and myself and my husband have a little boy who will soon be 3. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage last week and we have both said that we feel that maybe we should content ourselves that we have a happy healthy little boy. I would have loved a second child if alone to ensure our son never felt lonely in the world. I was nervous and stressed about conceiving the second time as we’re so context as we are. My worry is that we’ll look back in years to come and regret not giving our son a sibling when we do still have opportunity to do so. Right now neither of us feel that we could start into that journey again as I have bad morning sickness in my first pregnancy and was extremely unwell after the miscarriage. Is it selfish to leave him without a sibling or does anyone have a positive reaction to parenting an only? Thanks x

One and done for us.We are totally content with one.

You had a miscarriage only last week, it is still so fresh and you must still be hurting a lot. You don’t need to make this decision now.. give yourself a bit of time.

I have an only child. And I do feel guilty sometimes, especially times like now in lock down.
But I had no choice, since he was born, he had been ill and no way I could have coped having another while caring for constantly ill children in and out of hospital. I always wanted to have 2 children but given up quickly.

I think my dc actually loves being an only child though.

I was similar OP. Dd and then a couple of misscariages that nearly broke me so we decided to stop trying. It was very hard at the time as grieving for the loss. A natural part of grief is guilt. So I completely understand and do feel for you.

10 years later DD is thriving. She has lots of friends and cousins etc and knows there are swings and roundabouts to having siblings from what she observes of others. I do sometimes regret that I could not have another but I dont regret the decision we made really as further misscarriages - or worse- would definitely have broken us. I felt my body was trying to tell me something.

Like all grief it does fade with time but it is a hard thing to go through at the time

I also agree with people that you don't need to make the decision now and should give yourself some time.

I understand your sentiment about not wanting your child to be alone but from my personal experience I don't see my siblings that much. We all live in different places around the world and I'm not close at all to my brother and he's totally unreliable. It's unlikely that I'll ever see him again once parents pass as it would be weird to travel to another country to stay with him. A text a few times a year will be it.

My DH is one of 6 and they all live nearby and generally get on but not close at all.

My DM.is an only and always wished she had a brother or sister. I am.one of four. Very close to one but the other two we aren't close at all - I don't really have any time for them and vice versa. We haven't fallen out and I know where they live but don't know their phone no etc.

I actually don't like where you said about a sibling so your DC isn't alone in life and I am sure you didn't mean that was your only reason but it is something i don't think would ever have entered my mind so perhaps subconsciously......

I’m an only and I chose not to have children - instead I’ve very grown up step-children (nearly as old as I am). There are pros and cons to all family set-ups. Pros for me (and what I observe in my other only friends): independence, old for your years in a good way - cons: in my case coming from a very distant sort of family set-up with no secure relationships with aunts and uncles etc. That wasn’t such an issue until my parents got older, then it was down to me to do the worrying. That said, having siblings doesn’t guarantee support. My DM died recently and I’m so aware of being the last one left. Sorting out mum’s estate is simpler though as no one to argue about what should happen.

And I have a very weird trait of automatically being drawn to other onlies as friends - reckon I can spot one a mile away!

Sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

I think you should take a breather, your hormones and emotions will still be heightened so probably not the best time to definitively decide if you want another or not right now.

I am one of 3, my husband one of 2 and we have two DD and are done. For a long time after DD1 was born I really didn’t want another for loads of reasons. Changed my mind and so glad I did. Two feels right for us now and I do love that the girls have each other, now and in the future. Of course, that might change - they might not get on / be totally different etc but as someone who is close to her sister, it’s nice that there is an opportunity for my girls to have the same.

I don’t think it is selfish to stop at one though and I don’t think you should have another baby for your son - if needs to be because YOU and your DH want another. It’s such a personal decision.

I used to be one of those that thought having 1 child was, well I dont want to say selfish, but perhaps not in the best interests of the child. I felt a sibling was important for DS1.

We had DS2 when he was 3, they fight incessantly, it's exhausting (9 and 6 now). I genuinely believe DS1 would have been happier as an only child, his personality just suits it, he loves adult company, he's very sociable with an extended network of friends. His brother is constantly vying for his attention.

Obviously I have no regrets because as a mother both children have added to my life, but certainly don't think a sibling is necessary for a child, anymore.

Sorry for your loss. I understand the dilemma. I always expected to want more than one child and then once my child was here, I had a real wobble that I was enjoying him so much that perhaps it was best to stop. It turned out to only be a wobble and I am happy to have number two. But that I even had the wobble surprised me.

If one feels right for you and your partner, your child will benefit from parents who are contented in their decision and family life. As you are both close to your families, your child will hopefully have other relatives they are close to and perhaps cousins. Two of my close friends are only children, one wished she had a sibling as a child but has a wonderful ability to build friendships that are like family and the other loved it and would laugh it was lucky no more came along! Who knows how your child will feel about being an only but there are many positives. You will have lots time and energy for your son, more money to spend on the three of you, it’s easy to take a friend out with you when he’s older and no risk he doesn’t like his sibling.

OP I'm sorry for your loss and agree it's all too raw at the moment to make a permanent decision. You still have time, so why not agree with your DH to leave it a few months and then decide?

I'm an only and have gone on to have 3 DC. I don't 'idealise sibling relationships' but I have several friends who are very close to their siblings and I'd love that for my DC. I also have friends who can't stand their siblings! At the moment mine are very close and I hope this continues. I think quite often it is the situation which determines sibling issues - for example one always being the golden child, so resentment sets in etc.

As an only I had a very happy childhood and was lucky to have friends my age on my street, so I spent a lot of time with their families, even going on holiday with them. I think this really helped - similarly close cousins etc can be great. I'm struggling as an adult - dealing with DM's illnesses and feeling solely responsible, but of course a sibling could have been useless and I'd still be in the same position. Don't feel guilty - do what's right for you. Nothing is guaranteed either way.

I can understand your feelings op. It's not just loss of siblings but also the potential loss of nieces and nephews when they're grown up.

My dd is an only, now she is 14yo. She's never wanted brothers or sisters and has enjoyed the perks of being an only ie more one on one time, more money to spend on clubs, more holidays etc.

We also recently got a puppy which has been a great sibling replacement!

@haveyoutriedgoogle

I’m sorry OP but this statement: I would have loved a second child if alone to ensure our son never felt lonely in the world Is utterly ridiculous. There are millions of people out there with siblings who are abusive, they are no contact with, or simply have no relationship with. Additionally, to have two children and place such a burden on them that they must never let the other feel lonely is unfair.

This. FFS.My friend's has two girls very close in age -one is highly disabled and will never know the meaning that you & I have as a 'friend' to each other. Mother spent a long time conditioning the younger one to look after the older one when they are 'gone' -it's stopped now and I think she realises that should anything happen to them -care is the best option. I know two (obviously) identical twin girls in their 40s now who HATE each other and are zero contact. Likewise, forcing your children to be friends is not good. I hope they are. Likewise your own children may not like you -plenty of evidence on here over people that can't deal with each other's families.

Dd is an only by choice
I have no desire to be pregnant again or go through birth, newborn and toddler stages. The idea leaves me cold
DD is happy with her own company and can easily amuse herself but also makes friends easily, outgoing, kind. We see her cousins pretty regularly too.
We can give her much more as an only from fun stuff like toys and holidays to things like time, attention and us being mentally able to cope and be happy.

I have a brother, we have been estranged since 15. We didn't speak when my father died, I didn't even go to the funeral, by my choice.
Dp has 2 brothers. Only talks to 1. We don't even do family Christmas with his parents till next day when the other brother isn't there.

There is no guarantee siblings will get along

My mum is an only, my dad one of three brothers. My dad was left entirely on his own when it came to caring for his elderly mother. One of his brothers sadly passed away and the other was historically completely useless, as soon as it looked like she might have to have more help he vanished and didn't turn up again till after she was dead and only then when he discovered that he stood to
inherit . My mum on the other hand had help from my grandads sister. There are no guarantees with siblings. I have a younger brother and whilst I love him now, I hated him as a child and we fought tirelessly.

I have an only, through circumstance rather than choice, her older sister passed away late into pregnancy and the subsequent pregnancy with DD was very fraught and stressful. We decided that we'd pushed our luck far enough and DH had the snip when she was 2. No regrets.

Could I ask people to try not to pick apart op’s words given that she had a mc last week and is likely to still be very affected physically and emotionally.

Speaking for myself I struggled hugely in the weeks after my mc.

Op I would suggest you get this thread moved across to the mc board because people will understand what you have been through recently and be mor sensitive to your situation.

OP sorry for your loss.
I don't have the answers, but just to say you're not alone. I am currently going through the same decision process - we are 8 months on from a 2nd traumatic loss. We have a 4 year old. Pragmatically the "right" decision for us is not to try again - however this rational decision is very difficult to disentangle from the grief/bereavement emotions that are so hard to process.
I would say you are still very in the midst of raw grief, so avoid making any definate decision now.
To the parents with more than one child saying "future siblings probably wouldn't be close anyway"- I'm sure you mean well, but these comments are just platitudes which completely miss the point and are very dismissive - you chose to have >1 child and were able the do so successfully. OP is grieving in the present AND for the future.

It's taken me a while to imagine my child's future as an only child, to be honest he is perfectly content and doesn't know the difference, but trying to balance the immense gratitude I have for him and accept the loss of other siblings is very hard.

If you are able to seek some counselling or support groups, please do.

@timetodrinktea that is such an insightful post. I’m really sorry for your losses

The suggestion to seek support is a really good one. Op I found the Tommy’s midwife support line very helpful - they really were amazing and I would highly recommend calling them

Don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m so sorry for your loss Just remember there is no guarantee if you had another that they would get on or be friends when older x

@timetodrinktea I'm really sorry for your losses.

Please don't misunderstand me though. The OP has specifically spoken about only child guilt. I just wanted to explain that there is a lot of pressure on parents to have a second child for the benefit of the child, I felt like that too, but now on reflection I genuinely believe my son would have thrived better on his own.

That said, I'm not saying it would mean I would have stopped at one, of course not, I chose to have 2 children for several reasons (some selfish).
But to anyone who feels obligated to give a child a sibling I think it is a very valid point for parents of 2+ children to be able to say when it hasn't always worked out as they envisaged when there is so much pressure for parents to provide a playmate.

If the op chooses to try again it shouldn't be because she feels guilty for her first child.

@Onceuponatimethen agree! OP has posted a fair question / asked for experiences and, one week after miscarriage is met with ‘FFS’ ‘silly’ and ‘ridiculous’. 😔 opinions are fine, but it doesn’t take much to frame them kindly.

I have a sister 4 years younger than me and we fought a lot growing up, we have zero in common and are totally different people. We only see each other when we both go to visit our parents at the same time every few weeks. She has 3 children and her life is incredibly and increasingly busy with them being in 3 different schools (infants,juniors and secondary) plus their extra curricular activities. Her middle child probably would have enjoyed being an only child, she is very introverted and likes slower paced life than the other 2 which is hard to balance and causes clashes.
I have one child and feel my life is a lot more calm and manageable. I think if you have and only child friends are incredibly important, my daughter has a few close friends who we regularly have over and take on trips out with us so she is not lonely. I also feel very grateful that I can travel with my child on trips that I may not have done or done so often with multiple children for both practical and financial reasons.

There are pros and cons to both multiple and only children and no guarantees they will get on and be close into adulthood

Hi one year on I logged back in to this post - I often think on your words and hope you realsie how reassuring you were at a time when I was really struggling x