I need a one line answer to my OHs abuse

[wttaf]

Please help me, i need a response to my OH when he unnecessarily shouts at me. Yesterday I screamed back "don't fucking talk to me like that"

Didn't have much effect

Any alternatives?

By the way, I am LTB 👍

That first post on this thread is one of the most ridiculous I have ever read on here! Why the fuck should anyone be kind to their abuser.

I agree. I'm half expecting 'love bombing' to be suggested.

Also, it's an assumption that the OP isn't already kind.

@Notredamn

If he's at the shouting stage, then he's being combative and will enjoy responding to any rise out of you.

'Your silliness doesn't bother me anymore, carry on', 'you're wasting your breath as you don't upset me anymore' 'I don't respect your opinion anymore so you don't get to me' will let him get the message, though.

This ^

You are reacting because you're listening to him. That's why you feel rage.

Disengage then you won't feel angry

Just see him for what he is, lazy, fat, bad parent, terrible husband, mean and his opinion isn't worth listening to. That'll make it so much easier to walk away 'Stop shouting at me' or 'Stop verbally abusing me, it's unnecessary' is all I'd say

Doesn't matter that he gets more verbal if you walk away, as he'll be shouting in an empty room.

Why not silently get your phone out or press record in your pocket when he's shouting abuse ? Do it secretly if you want. It'll remind you what an arse he is... and also be evidence to yourself of how emotionally abusive he is . You can use it to exactly quote him (the name calling) in your divorce petition for unreasonable behaviour and also if he escalated his behaviour at all as evidence of ongoing emotional abuse.

You are LTB anyway, so gather evidence incase you might need it later. It'll help you enormously in your no replying stance.

Kindness

Because it's all about the menz feelz, isn't it? Deploy your social condition that all women must be unselfish and must never be rude. No matter what their abusers do to them, be kind, be polite, bite your tongue. 'Never let anybody guess that you have a mind of your own. Above, all, be pure'.

I'd tell you exactly what you can do with that reply, PP, but it would see me banned from this site for good.

100% grey rock. Act like he is an irrelevance. A noncommittal ummm is far more devastating than a witty/vicious comeback to this sort of twat.

Also completely agree about the childcare. Start talking about 50/50. Let him overhear you making plans for nights out. He will waddle away as fast as he can. (Nb I'm a fatty so can make fat jokes )

Tbf to PP, I took the 'kindness' post as a suggestion for the OP to say.

I'd be gone already, but if there's something slowing the move I'd stick my over-ear noise cancelling headphones on and dance about the house happily to music like he simply doesn't exist.
I hope you are not still doing his washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning up after him.
Grey rock or zone out and live very separate lives under one roof.

If he is lazy he is unlikely to have the DC once you split. Not for longer than a few hours anyway, and that will be to spite you. Move further away if that's a possibility. Lazy man even less likely to travel.

Provided that he's not violent - you could try recording him with your phone, either openly (but he may break your phone) or surreptitiously just the sound.
Try and not respond (easy for me to say) as each of your replies will give him the opportunity to continue the verbal abuse.
A recording maybe useful in separation/divorce proceedings.

Grey rock didn't work with my ex. If I left the room quietly, he would simply follow. He did also push for contact despite not being interested in our dc when we were together.

I haven't got the answers for you but at least you are getting ready to go and that's the best thing you can do. I've never had a moment's regret.

Can you look at him as if he were a not-very-interesting-specimen which you have to watch? Done in tandem with grey rock it's incredibly effective.

@Mixingitall

Kindness

I've often thought the first answer to a thread can often be bordering on the ridiculous. Almost as if the poster just wants to be the first one to reply and will say anything.

But this one takes the absolute biscuit. Have never seen such a dangerous, nasty, victim blaming answer encaspulated in just one word.

@Mixingitall you should be ashamed to say this to a victim of abuse.

While you are trying to grey rock, glance out the window. Picture a helicopter whirring past and someone pushing your oh out. Watch him plummet. Imagine you are 10 floors up. Very calming! Or if it’s more your thing picture you climbing out the window and floating away like a dandelion 😆

I wouldn't be so sure he won't be violent looking at how else he terrorises you with his mad driving etc. Stay safe and don't rise to his bait if you can.

Agree with grey rock. The thing about manipulation control and emotional abuse is that it’s power relies upon having an effect on the victim. You cannot argue alone as it takes participation with another person. That’s the beauty of grey rock. You don’t engage, you don’t participate in your own manipulation and you don’t engage in dysfunctional and destructive arguments that no one ever wins. Grey rock everything no matter how angry it makes you. That’s what he wants. Don’t give it to him. Grey rock yourself to freedom.

This story illustrates it beautifully:

One day Buddha was walking through a village teaching Dhamma. A very angry and rude young man belong to another group of believers came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.”

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man,

“Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered,

“It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.”

The Buddha smiled and said,

“That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me.

silence is golden. Walk away and detached yourself do not engage. Keep a mental note off how many times it is happening.

Keep a 'running away' kitty - can be enough for a night in a hotel, bus journey etc. Knowing this will give you strength.

I used to shout back and get angry. Have learnt over time - slience and walking away is a very powerful response.

@WinnieWonder

Hang in there op.

The worst period of my life was the run up to leaving. Knowing in my head that I was going but having to plan and save and engage in a few minor acts of subterfuge to execute my escape.

I feel for you going through this now in lockdown or the tail end of lockdown. Nightmare.

You will get through this.

Same here, it was the worst period just before leaving.

I'm sure the poster who said kindness was referring to the one word response she was asked for.

In other words remind Dh to be kind.

Personally I'd respond mildly "Just pause and listen to yourself" as I was walking away.

I used to say in a calm voice "please don't shout at me" and then walk off.

When someone is trying to get a rise from me, I say thank you, I’ll take your comments on board. This either totally shuts them up or pushes them further so depends what he’s being like....

How long til you can leave him?

Nothing worked on my ex. He would follow me if I walked away. Goad me until I shouted back if I tried to grey rock Block me in rooms/ the corner until I spoke - which would then be used against me whatever I said Mocking and belittling were common too

Verbal bullies just don’t stop

• although my ex used to get so furious it ended in violence

The only real answer is to leave as soon as possible

So be careful op. Sometimes they’re worse right before you leave

"Hmm? Sorry, what was that? I was miles away."

@CrazyTimesAreOccuring

Another of many PPs who think you completely misread this as your post doesn't make sense (in telling that poor PP off!)

"Kindness" was the one liner suggested reply to use to her DH when he was shouting. A bit of a mikedrop moment

It's quite a clever response, that may or may not work

Thanks all.

I am 100% sure there will be no violence. He is just an antagonizing arsehole who will scream and shout to get out of being a parent or a responsible adult... or to distract from his lazy behavior.

I have taken a lot from this thread.. if I can grey rock .. I will. Otherwise it's "another nail in the coffin"

Raise your eyebrows like he’s really amusing, smirk, turn on your heel and walk away. Or put on headphones and lean back with your eyes closed and arms folded listening to your music. If he’s still shouting ‘good grief are you still going on?’