Page 3 | I need a one line answer to my OHs abuse

wttaf · 2020-06-21T10:36:58+00:00

Please help me, i need a response to my OH when he unnecessarily shouts at me. Yesterday I screamed back "don't fucking talk to me like that" Didn't have much effect Any alternatives? By the way, I am LTB 👍

maddiemookins16mum · 21/06/2020 12:21

Goodbye.

Idontkowmyname · 21/06/2020 12:26

@madcatladyforever the grey rock method antagonises my H further and makes things worse for me. I could perhaps utilise it in specific solutions, however unfortunately for me it can’t be my default protective mechanism.

I need to be overly enthusiastic with anything he deems important, even something as simple as not saying sure to an offer of a hot drink. That is not a sufficiently positive response for him. I also didn’t react positively enough when he showed me the view from his new office!

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 21/06/2020 12:26

If you really need to swear or something, try writing fuck off on the roof of your mouth with your tongue. Once you’ve done that, just calmly walk away.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 21/06/2020 12:27

What worked for me was "This is why we're getting divorced"
I didn't say it out loud but it was what I was thinking everytime I needed to grey rock

lickthewrapper · 21/06/2020 12:28

Shrug your shoulders, say "meh" and walk away.

lovinglife321 · 21/06/2020 12:29

Another vote for grey rock.
He is hoping for a response from you, because any response be it negative or positive gives him the power.
Take back your control by half smiling, shaking your head and walking away.

lovinglife321 · 21/06/2020 12:32

@FizzyGreenWater

One thing to bear in mind - he will absolutely not want to have the kids much, if at all, if he isn't involved with them now.

Don't let that fear hold you back. He will want you to continue doing all the work, so no, he won't want to spend lots of time caring for them!

Oh, absolutely, he will TELL you he does. 'I'll go for full custody' 'You won't keep me from my kids' blah blah. All that shit comes out with every single last one of these abusive fucks and it has nothing to do with wanting to see the kids or be close to them. It's about a. scaring you into staying so he doesn't lose his setup and his servant, and b. control - they're HIS kids and you won't dictate.

When you split it's a different story. A friend managed this perfectly and I suggest you do the same. He spouted all that crap about you won't dictate blah blah mykids I'll have them loads, whenever I want.

Great, she said. I'm damned if you think I'm going to carry on doing all the childcare, the kids are your responsibility too and you will pull your weight. I will push for 50-50. You aren't going to get away with thinking that you can just pay me to look after them and not do the overnights etc. We'll both need free evenings and weekends to be able to move on, new relationships etc.

Oooooof you've never seen a faster 180 degree turn. What, she thought he was going to babysit on the weekends so she could go off and fuck her new squeeze? No way. He was going to be far too busy rebuilding his life to have them overnight, she shoudl act like a bloody mother and take care of them properly and no he wasn't going to give her free weekends...

Which is exactly what she wanted as he was neglectful, lazy and boerderline abusive to them too (smacks, shouting, poor diet, no bedtimes... the usual).

:)

Your friend is amazing!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/06/2020 12:33

'Kindness'? KINDNESS?? Jesus, glad that's only one person. Yeah, be kinder to him OP, he's probably only abusive because you're not ready with a hot dinner and a blow job as soon as he walks through the door.

Original poster

wttaf · 21/06/2020 12:38

😩 I despise him

OP posts:

DoorstoManual · 21/06/2020 12:40

Not my DH.

But when the teen starts shouting,(less and less these days) I say really calmly why are you shouting at me from the red zone, when I am in the green zone, how does that work.?

Shrug my shoulders and walk off.

It may not work with your DH (Dick Head)

Megatron · 21/06/2020 12:41

Kindness? Is that a joke?

I tried the calm 'don't talk to me like that' with my ex. All it did was give him the reason to tell me the 3456 reasons that he could talk to me like that.

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock would be my advice.

WinnieWonder · 21/06/2020 12:44

Agree with Magatron. It just invites them to tell you why they do have the right to talk to you like that.

MashedSpud · 21/06/2020 12:46

Ask him to shout louder so the entire street can hear every word.

In anger it’s easy to forget neighbours can hear. He might lower his volume at least.

Get rid though ASAP.

Silentplikebath · 21/06/2020 12:48

Very difficult but you have to ignore mr shouty lardyarse. Nothing you say will make any difference as you know he won’t change his ways.

sashh · 21/06/2020 12:50

If you are sure he won't lay a hand on you then rate the tantrum.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm, technical merit 3.4, execution 3"

Or ask why he needs to do so much practice, you learned to shout as a toddler, what was he doing?

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/06/2020 13:02

Is this new or always been the case he shouts at you? What is he shouting about? Why?

Just that many families the stress of lockdown has caused more arguments and shouting. Also Covid fallout now is that even though things are opening back up, many many are struggling financially, losing jobs, and homes.

If there is no lockdown or Covid fallout for you, then it’s abuse. But if this is a tough time for your family financially then perhaps getting help and advice would reduce the arguments and shouting.

TimelyManor · 21/06/2020 13:02

[quote Idontkowmyname]@madcatladyforever the grey rock method antagonises my H further and makes things worse for me. I could perhaps utilise it in specific solutions, however unfortunately for me it can’t be my default protective mechanism.

I need to be overly enthusiastic with anything he deems important, even something as simple as not saying sure to an offer of a hot drink. That is not a sufficiently positive response for him. I also didn’t react positively enough when he showed me the view from his new office![/quote]
Urgh, that was mine too. It's so tiring. I hope you're getting out too

Or ask why he needs to do so much practice, you learned to shout as a toddler, what was he doing?

Bluebird3456 · 21/06/2020 13:03

Only if you're not in danger of escalation/violence, I say laugh and say "temper, temper" or "aww are we throwing the toys out again" etc. He shouts because he feels manly/strong. Make him feel like a toddler.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 21/06/2020 13:05

I asked my husband if he was on his period once

RonaldMcDonald · 21/06/2020 13:08

Make a plan and leave. He shouldn’t be shouting at you.

category12 · 21/06/2020 13:11

You've got to put the kids first - they don't need to see this, and arguing back isn't going to help.

Speed up your exit plan.

Notredamn · 21/06/2020 13:13

If he's at the shouting stage, then he's being combative and will enjoy responding to any rise out of you.

'Your silliness doesn't bother me anymore, carry on', 'you're wasting your breath as you don't upset me anymore' 'I don't respect your opinion anymore so you don't get to me' will let him get the message, though.

FlamedToACrisp · 21/06/2020 13:19

I'd be inclined to try, "You don't love me any more, do you?" sounding all hurt and bewildered, as if his behaviour has just made you realise.

VeganCow · 21/06/2020 13:20

@FizzyGreenWater

One thing to bear in mind - he will absolutely not want to have the kids much, if at all, if he isn't involved with them now.

Don't let that fear hold you back. He will want you to continue doing all the work, so no, he won't want to spend lots of time caring for them!

Oh, absolutely, he will TELL you he does. 'I'll go for full custody' 'You won't keep me from my kids' blah blah. All that shit comes out with every single last one of these abusive fucks and it has nothing to do with wanting to see the kids or be close to them. It's about a. scaring you into staying so he doesn't lose his setup and his servant, and b. control - they're HIS kids and you won't dictate.

When you split it's a different story. A friend managed this perfectly and I suggest you do the same. He spouted all that crap about you won't dictate blah blah mykids I'll have them loads, whenever I want.

Great, she said. I'm damned if you think I'm going to carry on doing all the childcare, the kids are your responsibility too and you will pull your weight. I will push for 50-50. You aren't going to get away with thinking that you can just pay me to look after them and not do the overnights etc. We'll both need free evenings and weekends to be able to move on, new relationships etc.

Oooooof you've never seen a faster 180 degree turn. What, she thought he was going to babysit on the weekends so she could go off and fuck her new squeeze? No way. He was going to be far too busy rebuilding his life to have them overnight, she shoudl act like a bloody mother and take care of them properly and no he wasn't going to give her free weekends...

Which is exactly what she wanted as he was neglectful, lazy and boerderline abusive to them too (smacks, shouting, poor diet, no bedtimes... the usual).

:)

Yep, this is great. And how anyone who wants their kids, and doesn't want them to go with an abusive ex, should handle it. It definitely works, especially if you emphasize the need for 'me time' to get your social life back. They hate it.

Topseyt · 21/06/2020 13:21

That first post on this thread is one of the most ridiculous I have ever read on here! Why the fuck should anyone be kind to their abuser.

I’m with those saying pay this behaviour no attention. If you can, just quietly and calmly turn and walk away. Don’t rise to his bait. I’d maybe just head out for a nice walk, probably taking the kids along too. Be out for some time and don’t respond to your phone if he messages you by any method at all.

He is trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t give him one.