I need a one line answer to my OHs abuse

[wttaf]

Please help me, i need a response to my OH when he unnecessarily shouts at me. Yesterday I screamed back "don't fucking talk to me like that"

Didn't have much effect

Any alternatives?

By the way, I am LTB 👍

Just remember, just because he's never put a hand on you, doesn't necessarily mean he never will.

Have you left him before? If not, you don't know how he's likely to react. (Even if you have, he may be up for trying new tactics this time to put you back in your box.)

@WorraLiberty

If he thinks it's ok to shout at you, all the one liners in the world won't help I'm afraid.

That was my first thought.

"Goodbye forever you absolute wanker " is a one liner and I hope you get to say it soon!

The best thing to do is stay calm and neutral. I know it's hard but it really is best. As is removing yourself from the situation even if that's go into the garden or lock yourself in the bathroom

If you want one to fantasise about saying then I offer not looking at him while he's screaming, then when he runs out of steam say sorry, I wasn't listening. What were you saying?

Having been in this situation, I think ''another nail in the coffin'' is a good response. If it doesn't put you in danger.

For seven years though, I tried to put things in a more and more articulate, succinct way so that ''he would see'' but of course he never did, allegedly. He did but it didn't suit him to see so he gave me abuse and word salad back.

Stop trying to think of anything clever to say back. You have your plan. Your thoughts are your own. Your autonomy is still yours. Your future is yours.

It might be better to just practice not feelng the need to have a response and just say in your head ''another nail in the coffin''

I wouldn’t say a word. I’d just smile or laugh at him and walk away. He wants your reaction. Make him feel small and ridiculous.

If it’s safe to do so. Don’t risk your safety.

Because, PS, if you think it's bad now, it'll be worse when you leave, so what you need is not a one liner. Freedom lies not in an excellent one liner but in being able to resist the temptation to deliver that one liner.

I left but was locked in to that dynamic for another 18 months until I realised this will never end because he enjoys it.

Another vote for the grey rock method. Silently lethal.

@WorraLiberty we have lived together 4 years, one DD 3, one DS 11 months.

We have a mortgage , both on it. I have just returned to work from maternity but wfh but not really doing much

I do everything in the home, Typical situation really. He is massively overweight, and it's my fault , lazy and it's my fault, kids prefer me and it's my fault. I could go on and on..

A simple "don't talk to me like that".

It makes them pause and think. Nobody has an excuse to shout at anyone regardless. It also sets your boundaries without a massive over reaction or being sucked into it all.

Hang in there op.

The worst period of my life was the run up to leaving. Knowing in my head that I was going but having to plan and save and engage in a few minor acts of subterfuge to execute my escape.

I feel for you going through this now in lockdown or the tail end of lockdown. Nightmare.

You will get through this.

I am completely safe. I have kicked him out before for lying to me. I should of got rid then.

Only ever stayed because I don't want to "share" my kids. Awful I know. I just worry so much because he is so shit at "looking after" them

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

@ExpectingatChristmas

A simple "don't talk to me like that".

It makes them pause and think. Nobody has an excuse to shout at anyone regardless. It also sets your boundaries without a massive over reaction or being sucked into it all.

I can see why it might seem like that to people who communicate respectfully but actually this used to anger my x more! His gut response was I very heartfelt ''I will talk to you HOW I LIKE''. He felt entitled to because he out outsourced responsibility for his own inadequacies to me, without realising it. Too blinkered.

Just say ‘oh right, that’s interesting’ but in a bland way. I’m glad you’re leaving. Remember that he’s enjoying winding you up. So don’t give him that satisfaction.

@wttaf

I am completely safe. I have kicked him out before for lying to me. I should of got rid then.

Only ever stayed because I don't want to "share" my kids. Awful I know. I just worry so much because he is so shit at "looking after" them

Most of these abusive lazy men CBA to share parenting after the split. They talk about it a lot because it’s “ their rights “ and “ their money “. But they very rarely do it.

Especially when they start dating as it cramps their style.

what makes this so awful, is that my last relationship 10 years ago- was really abusive. But to the point where everyone knew it- it was so clear and so easy for people see what was happening. So I had full support for leaving.
However, if I tell anyone that my current OH is behaving in an abusive way, I am so sure not 1 person would believe me.

...and if he's such a tosser the kids will wise up and probably won't want to spend much time with him anyway. That's exactly what's happened in my case.

My 3 year old knows the word antagonizing , because I am always telling him that he is antagonizing me and to stop. That's how bad it is 🤦‍♀️

The one time my OH ranted at me in public (( throwing a mantrum )) I haughtily said ' what on earth are you doing ? '

Then walked off. No further engagement.

I say one time because he hasn't dared do it since such was my first at being shouted at in public over a missed train or whatever it was.

There wasn't any dramatics, I don't do dramatics. But I certainly have him food for thought !

You can’t change him, you can only change how you react to him.

Don’t hand him the weapon of you losing your temper. Think tantrumming child and detach visibly if not internally. He’s still controlling you if you react to him.

And please do the Freedom program or you could end up in the same situation again.

Well your good friends will believe you. But some people may not which is shit. Is he one of those guys who’s nice when he’s out and about but different at home?

"Nobody would care if you weren't here anymore" is suitably nasty and cutting. Say it very quietly and calmly. After that, grey rock him.

And clean the toilet with his toothbrush.

One thing to bear in mind - he will absolutely not want to have the kids much, if at all, if he isn't involved with them now.

Don't let that fear hold you back. He will want you to continue doing all the work, so no, he won't want to spend lots of time caring for them!

Oh, absolutely, he will TELL you he does. 'I'll go for full custody' 'You won't keep me from my kids' blah blah. All that shit comes out with every single last one of these abusive fucks and it has nothing to do with wanting to see the kids or be close to them. It's about a. scaring you into staying so he doesn't lose his setup and his servant, and b. control - they're HIS kids and you won't dictate.

When you split it's a different story. A friend managed this perfectly and I suggest you do the same. He spouted all that crap about you won't dictate blah blah mykids I'll have them loads, whenever I want.

Great, she said. I'm damned if you think I'm going to carry on doing all the childcare, the kids are your responsibility too and you will pull your weight. I will push for 50-50. You aren't going to get away with thinking that you can just pay me to look after them and not do the overnights etc. We'll both need free evenings and weekends to be able to move on, new relationships etc.

Oooooof you've never seen a faster 180 degree turn. What, she thought he was going to babysit on the weekends so she could go off and fuck her new squeeze? No way. He was going to be far too busy rebuilding his life to have them overnight, she shoudl act like a bloody mother and take care of them properly and no he wasn't going to give her free weekends...

Which is exactly what she wanted as he was neglectful, lazy and boerderline abusive to them too (smacks, shouting, poor diet, no bedtimes... the usual).

:)

I'm another one in favour of just turning and walking out when they shout at you. Don't smile or grin as that can infuritate them into violence. You will probably get 'don't you dare turn your back on me!' yelled after you, so it's as well if you can either leave the house completely or at least close a door behind you.

Words are pointless. It just shows them that they are getting to you. It's better to seem unaffected by their ranting.

How's about,

'Good bye?'