Being startled is causing problems

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

I have scarred eardrums so hearing is slightly worse than normal. I also have a tendency to be very task focussed and zone out from the real world when I'm engrossed/thinking about something. We have a baby, so quite often have to be quiet around the house. Somehow, DH still manages to startle me several times a week, resulting in me screaming and feeling a bit shaken. He says he's trying to be loud to announce his presence, but it isn't working, and from my point of view, I'm doing my thing and then suddenly he's appeared in front of me. It isn't just him it happens with, but he lives with me so it happens more often with him. The whole thing is worse if I don't have my glasses on.

I'm getting very fed up of it and I feel quite irrationally angry because it feels like people are sneaking up on me (even though I know they aren't). My hearing isn't bad enough for hearing aids. Does anyone have any suggestions?

And by all means, get your hearing sorted and see if it helps. Like I said, mine is fine, but still startle.

Zoning out seems a bit odd, if it's to the extent of being that startled. If you are doing something that requires intense concentration, fit locks to your internal doors and lock them when you go in. No one can interrupt you and you can hear the baby or get a baby camera. If I'm working in the study I lock the door.

@JustC no no no! I thought your post was lovely, thank you! Stupid text doesn't come with inflection! Was just saying that I think I'd have been totally piled on in AIBU! I agree with you - I don't think I need psychoanalysis or have anything psychologically wrong with me.

I do this too. I think my hearing is a little off & it’s when I’m busy doing something and people just appear-even my dc. It takes me a little while to get breathe back. You’re not alone.

OP, same here, I thought maybe since inflection does not come across typing, maybe I came across wrong. Anyways, good luck with getting hearing checked.

Vitamin deficiencies can affect the startle reflex. It might be worth asking your doctor for bloodtests.

I'm like this and have sensory issues because of asd. Husband knows not to make me jump but sometimes it is unavoidable. He is extremely loud though generally and usually I know exactly where he is

I'm a screamer too. It's weird - sometimes the scream feels as if it comes out after my brain has processed the fact that it's only DH/DS. I've done it all my life - I jump out of my skin at the most ridiculous things. I remember really embarrassing my friend as a teenager when we were in a record shop, trying to look cool, some music started playing and I practically hit the ceiling and screeched as if I'd been stabbed. At music. In a record shop.

I get startled occasionally and always have. It's a strange flight, fright, freeze reaction that is involuntary. I do not scream because it would scare the DC, I jump though.

I have a neurological hearing disorder and am hard of hearing on one side. My seat in the sitting room is in the corner with the best view of both doors.

OH gets exasperated in a "who did you think it was" kind of way. The answer is no-one, out of sight out of mind.

I would get an appointment for hearing tests and imagine you will be told to wear hearing aids if it's so bad you can't hear him being loud next to you. It sounds like you're in denial about it, go to your GP.

Not all hearing problems are helped with hearing aids (mine isn't). It's worth checking though.

This feels like a sensory issue for me. I'm more in a bubble and lack awareness than the rest of my family.

Something I do to keep me aware of my surroundings and not get too immersed is play the radio in another room. It makes me conscious of the space around me, outside the immediate room I'm in. Not sure if this might help you.

I don’t have any hearing issues but I’m similar with being easily startled. Sometimes if it’s quite bad it can trigger a panic attack. I’ve basically managed to train DP to make a lot of noise and call out repeatedly if he is coming to find me somewhere in the house.

OP I would not worry about your kids getting scared...my 7 year old thinks it's hilarious and regularly hides around corners so that she can scare me haha.

Interesting that a few people have mentioned ASD and sensory issues. I've often wondered if I have some autistic traits and was looking into a private assessment. I concluded that as I'm mid-thirties it probably wouldn't make any difference to me to know so I didn't do it in the end.

I'm not in denial about my hearing but equally I have a hearing test as part of my back to work medical in a few months so it can probably wait until then. My last hearing test was slightly below normal but not so bad that my GP wanted to do anything about it.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE I had my hearing tested a few times before my autism diagnosis. I can hear perfectly well but struggle to filter noises and process fast enough when I hear something. Occasionally I have to listen back in my head the last sentence I've heard to make sense of it and I always watch TV with subtitles. A diagnosis can be life changing and I was diagnosed as an adult.

@Oddgirlout how did you find it helpful if you don't mind me asking? I have wondered if it would help me reframe situations/challenges. I've got as far as looking for a private assessment, and it seems there are psychologists near me that will do the assessment. I just wonder what I would do with the information if I had a diagnosis of ASD - I don't know if it would change things at work. I think my boss would be totally unsurprised.

Catherine Tate anyone?

I was working in an open plan office one time and walked up to a colleague sitting at her desk engrossed in her computer screen. When I spoke she screamed and dropped her uncapped bottle of water she was just about to drink in her lap. She had a huge wet patch across her crotch. 😂

It has helped because I understand my difficulties better. I can mitigate for them because I properly know what they are now. That may seem daft but ASD can cause someone to not really know the cause of their struggles. I can also explain to others if I wanted to. There is Mumsnetters with SN that you can have a look at. It's in the SN pages x

@Oddgirlout I think I will go and have a lurk. Thanks

Strangely, this (the zoning out) can be a part of ADHD - usually hyperfocus. In some cases I can describe it as everything in an environment reaching the same level of (intense) importance but at the same time you cannot adapt to tune out or tone down some of the less essential things. Often not a fully bad thing, but still an extreme. Caffeine and nicotine can affect it. One encourages a kind of super-neural highway and the other is good at bouncing out other distractions. I suspect there might be some of this in the mix from what you've said.

My three all failed their hearing tests.
They had no problems with hearing a tv advert in a different room, or the sound of chocolate being unwrapped.

The problem was the actual test, theY would say their name repeatedly and say look at me. Point to the bear
Well theIr ASD/PDA meant that they didn’t want the focus to be on them at all, so they didn’t engage with the test.

If you wanted to get a photo of them, the worst thing you could do is shout smile
.Photos stealth wise were the only ones we got.

I think an ASD DX ( or an ASD acceptance) as an adult can help people to understand themselves, and makes Sense of their life. Easier to find your people & place in the world.
When I’m struggling with trying to do something, I try and work out what’s the block.
Because that often leads me to view things through an ASD filter, as opposed to, well I’m just rubbish because I can’t do XYZ. Now I look at a problem and think how I CAN make it work.

It’s hard for me to explain. And punctuate.

My DM is easily startled. A 'scream person' if you like. Scared me and my DSis rigid. Please look into hearing aids and other suggestions OP. I've grown up on tenterhooks and it shows.

Having taken in board your ideas, last night after feeding the baby, I went downstairs for a drink of squash, making sure I listened out for DH, facing the kitchen door and generally making sure I was aware. At which point I stepped on a slug! Which did make me scream but I feel I should get a pass for that one. Why are there nocturnal slugs in my kitchen?! There's no food for them!