Being startled is causing problems

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

I have scarred eardrums so hearing is slightly worse than normal. I also have a tendency to be very task focussed and zone out from the real world when I'm engrossed/thinking about something. We have a baby, so quite often have to be quiet around the house. Somehow, DH still manages to startle me several times a week, resulting in me screaming and feeling a bit shaken. He says he's trying to be loud to announce his presence, but it isn't working, and from my point of view, I'm doing my thing and then suddenly he's appeared in front of me. It isn't just him it happens with, but he lives with me so it happens more often with him. The whole thing is worse if I don't have my glasses on.

I'm getting very fed up of it and I feel quite irrationally angry because it feels like people are sneaking up on me (even though I know they aren't). My hearing isn't bad enough for hearing aids. Does anyone have any suggestions?

DM can be like that to be honest

Not deep in thought but if something unexpected happens she has been known to let out a scream. No hearing or sight problems.

I am exactly like this ... I get heart stoppingly terrified and scream when my husband just appears near me...he knows this and says that he had been deliberately loud but I am just lost in my own thoughts and so startle quite a lot. It isn't something I have ever thought to be worried about...it is just me. No hearing or visual difficulties.

& if I don’t have my lenses in I’m very panicky very easily. Just vulnerable I guess. You’re not alone!

Its not to the extent of that Catherine Tate character though thank God .

Can you not proactively stop yourself zoning out? You can’t zone out of the real world when looking after a baby.

Do you have epilepsy?

Posted too soon
I think zoning out is causing problems, not being startled.

I’ve never known anyone to scream when they’ve been startled, it seems like a really strange reaction. Do you suffer from anxiety or any other mental health issue?

I used to scream when startled by my adult son all the time. I swear he would sneak up, but with both know my hearing is shite.

Being startled by it's very nature means to 'jump' or to be scared, so screaming is not entirely inappropriate in such a scenario.

Lock on bathroom door would help for a start.

I’ve never known anyone to scream when they’ve been startled, it seems like a really strange reaction.

I wish people would realise that's there's a whole world beyond their own experience.

OP I do it too, not a "scream" like aaaargh help me I'm being attacked, but a short sharp yell or squeal. Around the house it generally happens when I'm concentrating on following a recipe or ironing, and then suddenly there's a child there and I've not realised. It doesn't seem to happen to me when I'm working though - I suppose I'm using my peripheral vision more even when looking at a screen, and I sit with my back to the wall.

Anyway just some solidarity for you. It gives me a horrible fright sometimes and then I laugh.

I do the startled thing too, for me it’s the fight or flight mode part of PTSD.
I don’t scream but make weird noises, but my limbs go into spasm & fall over.
A clicking pen does it to me every single time. Beeping noises from phones and hospitals machines, rattling keys
If I can see that a noise is going to happen, like someone opening a can of pop then I’m fine.

Things that help me are, making sure no one is sat behind me, making sure I’m near the Door so I can escape.

I’m very deaf in one ear from bursting my eardrum twice.
I do lip read If I can see their mouths.
My son Who has ASD says he can’t hear me when I speak to him, then he panics.
I think it’s more that he needs some notice In order to tune into my voice, and process.
so I say his name from the hallway then wait a few minutes and then go and talk to him, that works very well and no problem him hearing me then.

It’s interesting how the different senses Work, or don’t work.

When did the startling start, is it a recent thing? Since having your baby?

Practising mindfulness meditation may help you stay in the moment and not be as lost in your own thoughts.

• @sergeilavrov interesting. Has it reduced the frequency of the startles? It's very frustrating - when I'm at work I am totally calm.*

Then you need to look at what the problem is in your relationship if this only happens at home.

I do this all the time. No hearing or eye problems. We find it funny in our house. If I am doing something and not expecting someone to be there and then they appear - scream like I'm in a horror film. I register that I know them but it takes my brain a few moments to catch up. I did it to a jogger who appeared next to me the other day - he jumped and I then laughed.

My reaction is to burst into tears usually.

Not every-time but I do have an extreme reaction. Reassuring to know it’s not just me!

I do this all the time! My hearing is bAd too! Glad to see I’m not alone, my husband things I’m crazy!

As I am getting older I am turning into that Catherine Tate character.

My phone rings, I jump out of my skin, heart pounding. It's just a phone!!!

The doorbell goes, I jump, exclaim "Oh! Who's that?" Answer it and find out you silly mare!

We have those stupid crap loo roll holders and towel rail that don't attach by suckers. Every time one of those falls off with a crash (i reckon one does this approx twice a week for the last ten years, so I estimate I have heard this noise more than a thousand times) I react as if a bomb has gone off.

I used to be like this a lot. I can especially relate to @GenerateUsername. I would zone out on specific tasks like cooking, and would be easily startled if interrupted. Now, I've learnt to adjust my mind to be more aware of my surroundings and know that cooking isn't the only thing going on, people are about, life goes on around me.
I still zone out in the shower, but I wouldn't expect to be interrupted or startled there. I think it's about knowing where you can be completely and utterly alone in your mind and where you can expect company.
If it's a similar situation you probably need to work on this rather than expect your husband to be louder.

I am relatively easily startled as well. My hearing is fine, I can hear the buzzing of a phone on silent upstairs, when I am downstairs. I just tend to get entrenched in what I am doing at that moment. Sometimes I'll scream or curse. But I have never stressed about it. It is what it is. I know other people like this as well, I never thought it's a big deal.

My home office is poorly set up, nothing I can do about it without moving walls. DH now turns the light on and off when he comes in. That has saved him getting thumped - I used to be a kickboxercise instructor!!!

That and nobody enters the bathroom if it is already occupied, so he'd never be anywhere near me if I was washing my hair.

Just reading through comments - no I don't have epilepsy - when I say "zone out" I'm usually concentrating on something very hard or making a mental list. Or just have a resonable expectation of being alone.

No this isn't to do with my relationship, my parents/previous housemates/strangers have done it to me too.

I'm fine looking after my children.

I do think that another hearing test might be in order but I'm due one through work. Mainly I'm relieved that I'm not alone!

I'm very easily startled and I will scream like I'm being murdered if frightened 😂😂 on a few occasions I've actually fainted from fright lol

@GenerateUsername

I’ve never known anyone to scream when they’ve been startled, it seems like a really strange reaction.

I wish people would realise that's there's a whole world beyond their own experience.

OP I do it too, not a "scream" like aaaargh help me I'm being attacked, but a short sharp yell or squeal. Around the house it generally happens when I'm concentrating on following a recipe or ironing, and then suddenly there's a child there and I've not realised. It doesn't seem to happen to me when I'm working though - I suppose I'm using my peripheral vision more even when looking at a screen, and I sit with my back to the wall.

Anyway just some solidarity for you. It gives me a horrible fright sometimes and then I laugh.

But if you are being startled by your own children then that is really telling you something. It is not about people not accepting other’s experiences. It is frankly quite worrying if you are looking after kids, especially if the other task is as mundane as ironing or baking.

@GenerateUsername I think the main reason I'm not startled by my kids as that they are too short to appear in front of me and they are both incredibly loud! Yes to more of a squeal. Must be something primal.

@romdowa that's really difficult! I'm glad I've never fainted from fright! You must have a very sensitive flight or fright mechanism!