Being startled is causing problems

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

I have scarred eardrums so hearing is slightly worse than normal. I also have a tendency to be very task focussed and zone out from the real world when I'm engrossed/thinking about something. We have a baby, so quite often have to be quiet around the house. Somehow, DH still manages to startle me several times a week, resulting in me screaming and feeling a bit shaken. He says he's trying to be loud to announce his presence, but it isn't working, and from my point of view, I'm doing my thing and then suddenly he's appeared in front of me. It isn't just him it happens with, but he lives with me so it happens more often with him. The whole thing is worse if I don't have my glasses on.

I'm getting very fed up of it and I feel quite irrationally angry because it feels like people are sneaking up on me (even though I know they aren't). My hearing isn't bad enough for hearing aids. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I do this, I dont scream but I do a huge gasp that ends in me having a coughing fit.

But I do have extensive mental health problems so it's not really surprising.

I get such a fright Its like my spine has been rattled and actually hurts.

[quote LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]@romdowa that's really difficult! I'm glad I've never fainted from fright! You must have a very sensitive flight or fright mechanism![/quote]
Its actually my autonomic nervous system , it doesnt work properly. google the fainting goat , they faint when they get startled too .

But if you are being startled by your own children then that is really telling you something. It is not about people not accepting other’s experiences. It is frankly quite worrying if you are looking after kids, especially if the other task is as mundane as ironing or baking.

Oh what nonsense. Having a nine-year-old in the house does not require constant vigilance. And nobody mentioned 'baking'.

I'm sitting here laughing to myself about how my GP might respond if I went to him saying I sometimes get a fright if my kids come into the room and I hadn't noticed. No I don't think it's "worrying" in the slightest.

What do you want him to do, never come near you?

I mean, he's allowed to move around his house and approach you. Unless he's sneaking up on you and jumping you're being very unreasonable.

He's hardly going to wear a bell around his neck is he?

What are you anxious is going to happen?

I say this with kindness, you need to get on top of this as you really don't want to be screaming at your DC if they startle you, as they get older.

Not criticising without a constructive comment - if you can get DH into the habit of touching you on the left shoulder (or right obviously! But the same one each time) when he wants your attention or would otherwise appear startlingly out of nowhere - it may help. Obviously the tapping needs to be gentle not heavy handed with hands like shovels

You're going to get a load of people coming on and telling you you sound annoying btw without any proper advice

Ok the shower one would also get me Tbf

I’m also dreadful for “zoning out”. For me if Im focussed on one thing then nothing else gets a look-in. Fortunately baby crying was apparently on the list of
“interruptions” my brain would allow!!
There could be some merit in trying to “convince” your mind that DH is in the house (when he is) and that you can be award of him.

I also startle really easily, Op, and have been known to jump into the air and scream like a banshee. Luckily, my DP is very understanding (and loud) and rarely just appears without giving me some warning first.
My startle reflex got a lot worse after we were broken into when we were in bed, but it was there even before that, tbh. Ignore the unsympathetic posters - some people have a hard time showung empathy.

I've always done this. I don't scream but do make a noise. Mostly the noise is me exclaiming 'fuck it' quite loudly. Everyone finds it funny including me. My hearing and eyesight are fine.

Being deep in thought is not a character flaw or a crime or something that requires a medical consultation.

This.

I have sensory issues, blind in one eye and naff hearing. I KNOW the person that just startled me is only going to be a family member but i scream or yell while the brain is still processing - I also hit out too.

The children have learned you only wake me up from a distance, where possible with a bit of furniture between them and me. Even better, with a stick or broom to allow for safe distance from flailing.

Its entirely involuntary.

Now I'm WFH they have learned to knock and wait before coming into the room because when i'm in the flow state if they appear beside me i will scream like i have been murdered.

The thread on here about people OH tickling them without consent - it would only happen once and after the visit to A and E to have them patched up we would need to have a long chat about why that kind of behaviour is a bad bad idea :D

I don't think you can reasonably expect to be alone when your husband is in the house too. He will inevitably want to speak to you or enter the same room unless you specifically state you don't want him there which would be bizarre. Maybe try multitasking instead of immersing yourself in single tasks to avoid zoning out.
For the bathroom and shower, you would certainly have a reasonable expectation of being alone though.

Honestly I find some of these answers puzzling. I get startled by my kid as well, not just hubs. I'll be doing dishes, and he'll come and touch some part of my body to get my attention, he'll startle me. I truly know quite a few people who are easily startled, and really dont see the big deal. We're all different people.

Buy yourself a small wear in ear hearing aid for occasional use, I’m partially deaf and my hubby always calls me if he’s coming near to me and he can see I’m busy. If you can’t hear your husband near you then something needs to be done.

@GenerateUsername

But if you are being startled by your own children then that is really telling you something. It is not about people not accepting other’s experiences. It is frankly quite worrying if you are looking after kids, especially if the other task is as mundane as ironing or baking.

Oh what nonsense. Having a nine-year-old in the house does not require constant vigilance. And nobody mentioned 'baking'.

Sorry recipes. Being absorbed in recipes makes one vulnerable to being startled.

2 things make me jumpier. Being hungover and jittery as a result and coffee.
I'd often tootle around a corner in high heels in work only to bump into someone coming around the corner in the opposite direction. I sort of leap a little and almost lose my balance on my heels. Dangerous if carrying a coffee lol.

If you're highly stressed (new baby), you're probably away with the fairies, lost in thought, so completely zone out. Some sort of relaxation therapy might help. Camomile tea? Lavender essential oils in an oil burner?

It's like as though you're constantly in a high adrenaline state of fight or flight mode - sign of stress. How stressed are you on a scale of 1-10? How's your sleep?

@JustC just as well I didn't post in AIBU eh! Still I have a few things to try now - hearing test, mindfulness (which would probably help me sleep better and stop me posting on MN at 3am....)

I am easily startled. For me I think it stems from my ex husband whispering in my ear that he could easily push me down the stairs when he was behind me. Domestic abuse certainly has profound long standing effects. Absolutely not saying that anything like this has happened to you.

@GimmeAy I can't answer for the Op but I'm not stressed and get all the sleep I need.

I've been like this for 52 years .

@GimmeAy I am a bit stressed - the baby is fine but the 4 year old is going through a difficult phase and I'm feeling the lockdown strain. Part if me would love to be back at work contributing but we'd be paying 2 sets of nursery fees and baby is still breastfeeding a lot day and night so it's not right for us as a family. So I do have a lot on my mind which doesn't help with the zoning out!

I'm not stressed either and usually sleep well too but have been the same for this many many years. I daydream/zone out and scream when I'm disturbed.

Never thought anything about it! I definitely don't get frightened easily normally, but I suppose when I'm zoned out, it's just the shock.

[quote LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]@JustC just as well I didn't post in AIBU eh! Still I have a few things to try now - hearing test, mindfulness (which would probably help me sleep better and stop me posting on MN at 3am....)[/quote]
Op, I honestly hope I didn't come across rude or smth. My intention was quite opposite, I was trying to reassure you it's not something abnormal or that requires some deep psychological analysis. People have diff instincts, diff reactions.