Are people going to judge me for having 4 kids?

[AncientandPregnant]

I’m accidentally pregnant with a 4th. Already on this site I have had a few snide comments about the impact on the environment and other things.

This was a shock pregnancy. I considered terminating but can’t bring myself to. But now I’m terrified that I’m real life people may judge me and think I’m selfish and/or crazy.

I keep trying to justify it in my head: we are financially secure, I have a good career, I have always used reusable nappies, I’m an only child and both my parents died before I was an adult so our family impact on the earth has been lower than most up to now. But clearly I can’t wear a badge stating these facts in real life.

What do you think when you see someone with 4 kids? Would you think them selfish or crazy?

@heartsonacake

Of course you’ll be judged. Everyone is judged on something.

That your 4th was an accident doesn’t bode well because it implies irresponsibility and carelessness, so I wouldn’t justify it by that, but more importantly, you don’t need to justify it at all.

You’re the one that’s going to have to bear the immediate consequences of having four, nobody else, so the only people actually affected by having a fourth are you, your partner and your other children.

So it’s really nobody else’s business 🤷‍♀️

If it’s the poster I think it is, she had a coil in. So I don’t think you can blame her for her accident.

Wow Congratulations! This is what I would say and think TBH .Who really cares what anyone thinks? Your family no one elses .I was an only child ,and my DM was always getting people asking why (She couldnt have any more you see) Look forward to it, have a lovely pregnancy and dont let anyone else tell you what to do!

I wouldn't judge. I think weirdly large families start at around 6 for me (please no offence to those at 6 or more!)

If I saw you or knew you I would just think you were some kind of superhero for feeling able to be a parent to 4.

Congratulations mama.

If it’s the poster I think it is, she had a coil in. So I don’t think you can blame her for her accident.

SteelyPanther I’m not blaming her; my point was that using the excuse it was an accident won’t stop people judging her.

Eh, you cant please everyone- there willl always be some smug idiot judging everyone on their own "standards". I find if you examine their life with the same scrutiny you'll find plenty to judge them for so I really wouldnt worry about it. You cant live your life on the basis of pleasing other people because it will never happen- whatever path you take someone wont like it so fck it, do whats best for YOU.

I know several people with four kids & I wouldn't judge them at all. Mostly I just think they're absolute heroes. As for accidents, I bet plenty of 2nd & 3rd DCs are accidents. We just tend to assume they're planned as 2-3 children is the 'usual' family size in our society

You can't be a nice person and judge someone for having children. It's a fundamental failure of human empathy to not be able to understand that women live completely different lives and there are all sorts of reasons why one might end up with more than 1 or 2 children

I agree with this. Not nice at all. Judge away if you want, but dont kid yourself you're "nice". You arent.

Whatever you do in life OP there will be people who will judge. Have one DC and people will think you're selfish for only having one. Have two the same sex and people will ask when you're going to 'try' for the other sex. Have three and you've got a 'middle DC'. Have four and you're crazy and frying the planet. IMO, as long as you can afford it and you take good care of your DC, it's none of my business.

My personal observation is that there is generally at least one child in bigger families (4 or more children) that gets a raw deal. Either they get roped in to look after younger siblings constantly, or they get less parental time than the others because they are more compliant or siblings have more "needs". And the families where this isn't the case, the mum (and yes, it's usually the mum) runs herself ragged so it doesn't happen. So, I would judge you if I thought having an extra child had reduced the quality of the life for the existing ones. If your family was all thriving, I'd just be impressed!

@MsTSwift I agree with you entirely.

I find it mildly baffling anyone has more than one, but I can’t say I give a huge amount of headspace to other people’s choices, so you might know me for 30 years without feeling judged on your four.

I do agree with @RedskyAtnight, though, as the eldest of four. Everyone’s quality of life suffered.

Thanks all. I think I’m just very sensitive at the moment because this was not the plan. I have always worried too much what people think of me. I wish I was different.

To reply to one point made: I was never considering terminating because of fear of judgement, I was considering it because I am very old and thought I was done with the baby days. But when push came to shove I couldn’t do it, I have dealt with loss of too many loved ones to cope with that choice.

On the practical points made, I know there is a chance my existing kids will suffer. I am lucky that we can afford a live in nanny and that’s how I have kept my career progressing with three. It will also help me ensure none of the kids suffer too much of a lack of attention with a fourth. I also have a big age gap as my youngest is 7.

If you can afford them and bring them up properly then all the better.

I do slightly tend to judge people who deliberately have large developed world families on environmental grounds but only a monster would think you should abort an existing pregnancy for that reason if you didn’t want to.

However I would judge you if you ran the ludicrous “it’s fine because I’m going to use reusable nappies” line: so don’t do that.

The only thing I would add is to perhaps not call your baby an accident, maybe a surprise baby instead.
Enjoy every moment of it knowing that it’s (hopefully !) your last.

@heartsonacake

If it’s the poster I think it is, she had a coil in. So I don’t think you can blame her for her accident.

SteelyPanther I’m not blaming her; my point was that using the excuse it was an accident won’t stop people judging her.

Apologies, posted before I read properly what you had written.

I have two children and was expecting twins but lost them in April. I had been worrying about the same things. Now I just wish I was still going to be a mum of 4. This baby is a gift - love it, enjoy it and sod everyone else.

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm pregnant with number 4 which can be classed as a miracle pregnancy/ accident/ massive surprise as I had my tubes cut and tied when I had my daughter a year ago.
We're financially stable so I don't feel guilty! I don't doubt I'm judged when out and about as my other children are only 3, 2 and 1!
As someone else said, there's always someone to judge you on something!

I am one of four, I never felt I got the attention I needed as a child growing up (I was/am the black sheep) also my oldest sibling was left at times to care for us youngest so I think this dynamic is very common in larger families.

As you can see I am not the biggest fan of larger families. I will never have more than two children.

If I see mother with 4 children, all I think is supermum! No judgement, just in awe as to how you manage. & just on a side note, people will always judge. If you only have 1, you should have given him or her a sibling. If you don't have children there is something wrong, if you have 2, aren't you the perfect family if it's both genders, if you have two girls or two boys, won't you have third to complete the family to get a girl or boy. There is always comments, no matter what, so fuck the haters and be happy! I'm delighted for you x

Congratulations OP.

Had you been living on benefits in a 2 bedroom council flat, I would probably have silently judged your choices and thought you were mad.

But it sounds as if you have the necessary means to support a 4th child and appear willing and able to do so so why not?

I don't get the whole Global environment thing. In African and Middle Eastern cultures for example, it's perfectly normal/acceptable to have loads of kids even when living in the most dire circumstances; no-one on here says a word. However if you're from the UK, it's like you've personally slaughtered 3 million polar bears if you have more than 2.

People will judge you because the day's got a Y in it. I wouldn't stress too much.

I'm one of 6. I remember people saying "You must be busy!" to my mum a lot, but not much else in the way of judgement. As an adult the most frequent comment I get about having 5 siblings is "How do you remember all those birthdays" (I don't. I have them all written down).

My youngest brother was a surprise. He apparently beat 2 forms of contraception so my mum says he "really wanted to be born". Congratulations on your surprise baby

@FlurryKnox

I find it mildly baffling anyone has more than one, but I can’t say I give a huge amount of headspace to other people’s choices, so you might know me for 30 years without feeling judged on your four.

I do agree with @RedskyAtnight, though, as the eldest of four. Everyone’s quality of life suffered.

Baffling in what way?

I doubt you’ll be out and about with all 4 all the time within about 6 years or so as your eldest will surely get more independent. Loads of people have a mini second batch of kids later on either through family break up or a final wave of broodyness- I’m one of 5 and mum had me at 42. My next eldest sibling is 12 yrs older than me. We all get on really well.

Maybe some will, but you can’t do anything about it so try not to consider it.