Help - what’s this behaviour called?

[Lavalamplady2]

Sadly, this describes my husband. Don’t worry, I’ve finally had enough but what would you call this?

• shows zero emotions, not even pride in the children’s achievements (they don’t realise, I over compensate)
• only ever comments on negatives, would never notice the trillion things I do get done, just the slightly out of date lettuce in the fridge

/ has no friends, just one who agrees with everything husband says but husband very critical of him (he is odd, I’m not keen)

• gets criss if asked where he’d like to go on a day out as says he had no ideas and I should know that
• only bothered about his fancy car and having a good lifestyle (that will be gone)
• Hayes people coming over to our house, people put drinks in table, children misbehave. Sits there stony faced while visitors here (again I over compensate, I love entertaining, or did, we have stopped). Funnily enough morning one invites is round either
• if family come over at Christmas or Easter it’s unbearable as he gets so stressed about cooking the roast, puts a dampener on the occasion
• this is the biggie. If I show any emotion he won’t comfort me, he’ll shout at me (I rarely do this)
• should I answer back or criticise he immediately tells me we are t compatible, he can’t do anything right, shouts at me after I’ve said maybe a sentence so that I stop talking and if I try and talk says I’m like a dog with a bone and won’t leave it - consequently I never do any of the above, maybe 3 tunes a year. He then storms out, turns off his phone and has on one occasion not returned until the next day.
• some evenings the atmosphere at home changes when he gets it, it’s reminded me of Harry Potter’s dementors in the past.

Things came to a head a couple of years ago, I saw a solicitor and didn’t pander your his pathetic behaviour. He apologised, said he knew he had a problem and saw a counsellor. It didn’t last and we slipped back into the above.

We have two truly amazing children and after having to console them today I also had to explain that they should never act as he does or, put up with that behaviour. I now need to stay strong, covid or no covid he has to go. But I’d be interested in orhers’ experiences and ideas of what I could call all this? Thank you

He sounds as if he has some of the aspects of autism.

Simply, rude

I wouldn't have said autism I would have said selfish and self-involved.

Was he akways like this? I can’t imagine you would have married someone so far away from you so I’m presuming it’s changed behaviour?

A bully...a rude, uncompromising bully 🤷‍♀️

Could he be depressed?

Twatty behaviour.

How long has he been acting like this?
Has he got something going on which he can't/doesn't want to talk about? (no idea how you'd know if he won't talk, but just an idea)

I’ve long thought he could be on the autistic spectrum but he won’t entertain the idea
No, when we first got together he was fun, we socialised, he would have the odd drink, we laughed. I think he liked the initial excitement, the fact I had fallen in love with him and adored him. This changed when I was pregnant (kids teenagers now), I was bed bound for a couple of months after early labour signs at 31 weeks and really felt as though I was a burden rather than carrying OUR child and having a tough time. He didn’t even spend the evening with me. How I wish I had got out years ago then I could be happy by now in a new life.

I asked him to go to the dr about ten years ago re depression but he put on a good show and she said all fine. He then wouldn’t go back. I on the other hand have tried every antidepressant going but unfortunately didn’t make life more bearable.

He sounds like a miserable selfish bastard. Am I close?

I second the autism idea. Adult I know was recently diagnosed after 18 month assessment process; exactly the same behaviour and mannerisms.

He sounds like my husband who is not diagnosed but is definitely depressed. He can see he has a problem but is really resistant to therapy. I deal with it because although it's hell for me, I can see it's even more difficult for him - and I still love him. But It's very difficult to live with. I really sympathise.

I haven’t the energy anymore to even try and help him, or get a diagnosis. Final straw today was me sobbing at the kitchen table (I never ever do this, it was a spectacularly awful situation) and he just ended up shouting at me because he had misunderstood something about lunch, stormed out leaving both children and me crying, then waltzed nack in this evening as if nothing had happened. That’s me done.

Have you tried shock therapy : mirror his behaviour onto him

He’s in the spare room, I’ve washed my bedding to remove any trace of him and will tell him to leave tomorrow. But the kids are in pieces, of course they love him dearly.

Its better to be alone than lonely you will find yourself promis 👌

OP I don't know what you would call it. I don't blame you for wanting to plan your exit. As always please be careful about letting him know your plans in advance; the act of leaving can be a flash point.

People PLEASE can we put to bed the idea that cold, unemotional, unpleasant etc people are autistic. Please.

Thank you.

Oh god forgot about the kids its so cruel men are so selfish 👌

Yeah i agree autism isnt and shouldnt be an insult x

I really could not tolerate this joy sponge. If he makes you miserable divorce him. I can't even imagine your kids would miss him. Having to walk on egg shells all the time never knowing when he will blow up. Ltb

😱

He also has no hobbies or interests, would very much like to just work (he’s the boss, couldn’t take direction), eat a dinner prepared for him then watch tv. At the weekend the same minus work. On repeat. Will never take more than a week’s holiday as he doesn’t want to, would be fine work wise. Has also put on weight over the years but refuses to eat more healthily or exercise.

Joy sponge is it. What a miserable git. I'm glad you've had enough, you'll be so much happier without him.

Poor kids could never misbehave, just knew it wasn’t acceptable to him. I feel beyond sad that I’ve put them through this for so long. But they are distraught tonight, my daughter cried herself to sleep and son in with me. This has happened before and I asked him to say goodnight to them to just make the children feel better and he refused. Doesn’t do a thing he doesn’t want to.

He sounds narcissistic.