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Original poster

Help - what’s this behaviour called?

67 replies

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 22:41

Sadly, this describes my husband. Don’t worry, I’ve finally had enough but what would you call this?

shows zero emotions, not even pride in the children’s achievements (they don’t realise, I over compensate)
only ever comments on negatives, would never notice the trillion things I do get done, just the slightly out of date lettuce in the fridge

/ has no friends, just one who agrees with everything husband says but husband very critical of him (he is odd, I’m not keen)

gets criss if asked where he’d like to go on a day out as says he had no ideas and I should know that
only bothered about his fancy car and having a good lifestyle (that will be gone)
Hayes people coming over to our house, people put drinks in table, children misbehave. Sits there stony faced while visitors here (again I over compensate, I love entertaining, or did, we have stopped). Funnily enough morning one invites is round either
if family come over at Christmas or Easter it’s unbearable as he gets so stressed about cooking the roast, puts a dampener on the occasion
this is the biggie. If I show any emotion he won’t comfort me, he’ll shout at me (I rarely do this)
should I answer back or criticise he immediately tells me we are t compatible, he can’t do anything right, shouts at me after I’ve said maybe a sentence so that I stop talking and if I try and talk says I’m like a dog with a bone and won’t leave it - consequently I never do any of the above, maybe 3 tunes a year. He then storms out, turns off his phone and has on one occasion not returned until the next day.
some evenings the atmosphere at home changes when he gets it, it’s reminded me of Harry Potter’s dementors in the past.

Things came to a head a couple of years ago, I saw a solicitor and didn’t pander your his pathetic behaviour. He apologised, said he knew he had a problem and saw a counsellor. It didn’t last and we slipped back into the above.

We have two truly amazing children and after having to console them today I also had to explain that they should never act as he does or, put up with that behaviour. I now need to stay strong, covid or no covid he has to go. But I’d be interested in orhers’ experiences and ideas of what I could call all this? Thank you

OP posts:

Dozer · 14/06/2020 23:17

He sounds awful to live with. Wouldn’t try to work out what’s going on with him, would focus on getting out.

The DC WILL have noticed.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:17

If it wasn’t for the children I’d have put all his belongings out in black bags today but I’m trying to behave like the parent they need. But I haven’t pretended all will be well which is a first.

OP posts:

Miljea · 14/06/2020 23:19

But some autistic people do demonstrate those traits.

mochajoe · 14/06/2020 23:22

I agree everyone should stop calling autistic at any mention of an issue. I think the behaviours sound similar to my husband (he's not actually as bad as you describe on some of the points - he's still more loving towards the children for example but is quick to blow up for no reason and is generally a V miserable guy). and he is definitely not autistic. But also find it so typical of mumsnet to be so quick to say ltb. I don't for a second think you should necessarily stay with your partner if they make you unhappy. However, if I was suffering from a depression (not saying your husband is) but if I was like mine is I would like to think he would stick around for as long as it takes to find joy again. Also don't think That this can't happen to any of you. Perfectly happy, positive, joyful people can be struck with depression unexpectedly and it really can make people unbearable to be around. Sorry for the essay just think people need to be more open minded on here.

Just think if he was fun before, as you said when you met him, then wasn't later it seems unlikely that he is autistic and more likely to be struggling with other issues.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:24

And yes, it’s over now, I must just stay strong. Couldn’t have come at a worse time with covid, kids, I’ll parent that I care for but I just can’t bear to have him near us any longer. I’m going to suggest he go tomorrow, he can firm a bubble with his one (single) friend while he rents a place. I know I have tons of people around me who will support us as much as they can at the moment. Hindsight is a great thing but I should have done this long ago.

OP posts:

Techway · 14/06/2020 23:26

It sounds very typical narcissist behaviour. Your job is to serve his needs. Your needs and emotions are none of his concern.

He may value the outward impression of having a family but doesn't value you. Your pregnancy would have annoyed him shn you couldn't prioritise him and worst of all expected to be looked after.
His preoccupation with his car and work are because they are outward symbols of success.

How was his childhood? People with ASD aren't unkind and can be told when their behaviour hurts others.

Are you financially independent?

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:27

Mochajoe I do see your point, but it’s been 13 years of this and I just don’t want to do it anymore. If we separate and he finally gets help, trues antidepressants then yes, of course, but I can’t do it anymore, there’s no love left on my side.

OP posts:

Queenest · 14/06/2020 23:27

You deserve better and so do your children. Start planning your exit OP.

DishingOutDone · 14/06/2020 23:28

can anyone come over tomorrow whilst you tell him to leave, even if they just sit outside in the car, or take the kids into the garden?I'd be more worried about him kicking off than the virus restrictions.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:30

His childhood was crap, although he’s only recently started to see that. Parents divorced when he was very young, mother very negative and socially inept, father focussed on material things and very critical of husband. So pretty awful. I know 100% it’s a huge factor but I just can’t fix him, I really have tried. All he wants is for me to just keep quiet and let him do what he wants. He’s thrown and broken furniture in the past when I haven’t.

OP posts:

jamandtonic · 14/06/2020 23:33

I have a friend with a husband like this.

It doesn't matter whether he is depressed, autistic, whatever. He is still an unmitigated bastard and he is making your and the children's lives hell.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:34

He won’t kick off. I suspect he’s been looking at rental properties tonight, he can’t deal with me not pretending all is ok, he’ll be desperate to get away.
Financially we’re stuffed in one wise due to covid. I’m working part time from home just about covering bills, he’s still working trying to keep business afloat but not earning. But house paid for and some savings, I own larger proportion if house and could afford a 3 bed, nearly. Do could be better but could be worse.

OP posts:

Shouldershrugger · 14/06/2020 23:36

Op. No terminology to advise. Just want to wish you and your dc good wishes for your future. I admire your strength and life will get better the sooner you detach yourself from him. Glad you have support. No one can say that you didn't try. Good luck x

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:37

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

OP posts:

ExShield · 14/06/2020 23:37

Another vote for a facet of ASD. Entertaining and socialising at home can be painful, thee is no escape. And masking when in company out of the house is easier.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 14/06/2020 23:45

Pessimistic knob?
I got fed up of him half way through reading your OP, well done staying with him this far.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:49

Wish I hadn’t though...
And another thing, apparently it’s my fault when he flares up because I made him angry, my fault he storms out, my fault he ignores his children, my fault he breaks furniture. Want to go and drag him out of bed now and tell him to leave remembering that one.

OP posts:

Dozer · 14/06/2020 23:52

He’s abusive.

Don’t assume he’ll move out, or that he won’t “kick off”. Would seek advice from a women’s organisation.

plimm · 14/06/2020 23:55

I would also kindly request posters to stop using ASD as synonymous with these awful behaviours.
My teenage DS has ASD and he's the sweetest, kindest person; he wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone shout at someone.

My DH on the other hand, is behaving very similarly to OP's and I too have decided it's enough. I think my DH is possibly depressed, or narcissistic, or just arrogant but it doesn't really matter what it is, it's not for me.

It sounds like you have had enough OP, sometimes there's only so much you can do.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 14/06/2020 23:59

Really sorry to hear that Plimm, beyond awful isn’t it. I wish you strength in this too. And agree on the asd front, i think I’ll just go with some of the above suggestions, putting my husband in the same category as your son would be insulting to your boy.

OP posts:

Poppinjay · 15/06/2020 00:12

It does sound like he has some strong autistic traits, which does not mean I am saying that all people with autism are selfish and unfeeling. That and a traumatic childhood could explain a lot of what you've described but it certainly doesn't mean you should continue to put up with it. You can have ASD and be a horrible person.

You've done your best to support him by suggesting ASD and by trying to get him to seek help for depression. If he can't or won't seek help and advice, you need to protect yourself. He has been made aware of the impact his behaviour is having on you and he is not trying to change it.

You're doing the right thing by ending the relationship and being the role model your DC need.

EugenesAxe · 15/06/2020 00:16

I Googled a bit and narcissism seems a possibility. Have a read of this article and see if it rings bells. It is HuffPost - don't know how reliable their reporting is but I think it's OK?

Well done for deciding to move on anyway; it sounds unbearable.

plimm · 15/06/2020 00:22

OP, you sound lovely. Thank you for your support, I too wish you strength to get through this, and I'm sure you will.

I still disagree with the ASD label. If anything, I would say narcissism is a much better fit. That would also make sense if his mother treated him in the way you say.

There is an excellent youtube channel called Live Abuse Free which talks about narcissism very clearly, what it looks like, etc. It helped me a lot.

HarlinRay · 15/06/2020 00:33

Autism doesn’t make people abusive, which is what this man is. Abusive and manipulative and, hopefully, soon, divorced.

Original poster

Lavalamplady2 · 15/06/2020 00:39

Thanks everyone. Now can’t sleep, so much going around in my head. Will have to make some excuse and take time off work if this continues as I feel good for nothing. He’s bloody snoring away in the spare room, I’d love to fill his car boot with all his belongings, funnily enough he doesn’t have much, we have a big house full of stuff but he really only has his clothes and a handful of books he never reads, struggling to think of what else he would take. He’s not having any furniture or kitchen stuff anyway. And I’m determined to get the best solicitor I can find. Still can’t believe this is happening to me and the children.

OP posts:

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