Help - what’s this behaviour called?

[Lavalamplady2]

Sadly, this describes my husband. Don’t worry, I’ve finally had enough but what would you call this?

• shows zero emotions, not even pride in the children’s achievements (they don’t realise, I over compensate)
• only ever comments on negatives, would never notice the trillion things I do get done, just the slightly out of date lettuce in the fridge

/ has no friends, just one who agrees with everything husband says but husband very critical of him (he is odd, I’m not keen)

• gets criss if asked where he’d like to go on a day out as says he had no ideas and I should know that
• only bothered about his fancy car and having a good lifestyle (that will be gone)
• Hayes people coming over to our house, people put drinks in table, children misbehave. Sits there stony faced while visitors here (again I over compensate, I love entertaining, or did, we have stopped). Funnily enough morning one invites is round either
• if family come over at Christmas or Easter it’s unbearable as he gets so stressed about cooking the roast, puts a dampener on the occasion
• this is the biggie. If I show any emotion he won’t comfort me, he’ll shout at me (I rarely do this)
• should I answer back or criticise he immediately tells me we are t compatible, he can’t do anything right, shouts at me after I’ve said maybe a sentence so that I stop talking and if I try and talk says I’m like a dog with a bone and won’t leave it - consequently I never do any of the above, maybe 3 tunes a year. He then storms out, turns off his phone and has on one occasion not returned until the next day.
• some evenings the atmosphere at home changes when he gets it, it’s reminded me of Harry Potter’s dementors in the past.

Things came to a head a couple of years ago, I saw a solicitor and didn’t pander your his pathetic behaviour. He apologised, said he knew he had a problem and saw a counsellor. It didn’t last and we slipped back into the above.

We have two truly amazing children and after having to console them today I also had to explain that they should never act as he does or, put up with that behaviour. I now need to stay strong, covid or no covid he has to go. But I’d be interested in orhers’ experiences and ideas of what I could call all this? Thank you

He's a bully. Read Women's Aid book, 'living with the dominator' by Pat Craven. Your stbxh is in there.

None of his behaviours are symptoms of autism described by the DSM-V (the diagnostic tool for mh). People need to drop the autism card- anyone can be stubborn.

Again, being abusive and cold isn’t a symptom of depression. Kind people with severe depression wouldn’t go 10+ years abusing their wife without a hint of guilt/remorse. Nevertheless, he does display many behaviours of a narcissist though. Having a narcissistic personality disorder would explain his sudden change from being ‘fun’. He was only fun because he knew how to manipulate his behaviour to win you over. Once you were pregnant and roped in he could then relax and show his true colours.

Autism doesn’t make people abusive, which is what this man is.

Autism causes theory of mind issues. If you can't process what other people might be thinking or feeling, you may well behave selfishly. He may never have realised that by only commenting on things that aren't wrong, he is implying that nothing is ever right.

Autism makes times like Christmas very stressful because of the disruption to routines, different food, decorations, unpredictable presents and lots of visitors, bringing social and sensory challenges.

Someone with autism who has never had help to understand their difficulties or even to understand their own emotions may well end up in meltdown quite easily when faced with a spouse who is suddenly unpredictable and emotional and they have no idea how to respond. Meltdown brings an inability to process language so shouting may be the only tool he has to manage it. I. Not saying it's OK. I'm just saying he may not know what else to do.

Open-ended tasks like deciding on or planning a day out can be a nightmare for someone with poor central coherence and impaired executive function, both of which are common features of ASD.

I know some people with ASD who are arrogant and unpleasant and I know people with ASD who can come across that way and are devastated when they realise that has happened. I also have two DDs with ASD who are kind, insightful, work their socks off to fit in and avoid conflict and never, ever shout.

Spending your life feeling like the world is unsafe, unpredictable and full of people who are living by incomprehensible rules whilst communicating in ways you don't understand, on top of a traumatising childhood, quite possibly because of a parent having ASD would very likely combine to make someone who appears uncaring, selfish, arrogant and antisocial.

OP, I am in no way suggesting that you have a responsibility to change your plans. You aren't responsible for his behaviour and you've already gone above and beyond to try to help him. He has rejected that help and now you must put your children and yourself first.

You've gone back to try again once. Don't make that mistake again. Maybe he will now be willing to get some help. Who knows? If he does, it may bring him some insight that helps with future co-parenting.

As pp's have said he sounds narcissistic to me, everything his way, no empathy even for his own children, selfish and self involved, only happy working for himself as he can be told what to do by anyone. The claiming depression as an excuse for shitty behaviour and having a poor childhood which makes you make allowances for their behaviour are common with people with narcissistic tendencies too. Whatever you want to call his behaviour though it is fundamentally not your problem to fix. Only he could do that and he seems to have no intention of even trying. Also, I wouldn't worry about the kids you will probably find that as soon as he has gone the whole house will feel more relaxed and the kids will know that it was him causing the problem. It doesn't matter how much they love him if he's a poor parent they are better off having one safe place to live and one safe parent to rely on.

I think I’ve put up with far, far too much. Unable to sleep it’s amazing what you remember, the first time he stormed off and left me crying was days after our first child was born, he was very unwell and I think I cried after following his ambulance to a specialist hospital. He left me crying next to his cot. Then when we finally got him home he just disappeared into the spare room at bedtime leaving me to cope alone with a poorly baby. Should have told the bastard where to go then but what did I do? Played game, he cane home every day to a tidy home, meal on the table, shirts ironed and so it continued. DC’s first Christmas Day he stormed out because I asked him to come into the living room to watch dc open the stocking I’d made. I was so ashamed I didn’t let any family members know all day and just sat there alone until he deigned to return. And so it continued. Only stood my ground a couple of years ago when both kids through 11+ as I didn’t feel the need to keep home as stable, I asked him to leave and come back once he’s had counselling but he persuaded me otherwise. Big mistake.

Just sounds lazy, boring and irritable. You sound relieved even at the idea of having him gone. So, I wish you lots of strength, your mind is made up and I think that's great in this situation!

Good luck for the morning OP. My dad was like him, and I wished many a time my mum had divorced him. Walking on egg shells all the time was awful

Wow op a lot of this sounds so similar to my dp. I started a thread yesterday because I am struggling with his behavior. I want to leave to but I'm finding it very difficult.

My dp does have poor MH and it's all got worse since the birth of our second dc. I've always made excuses for his behavior but there does come a point where enough is enough.

Oh and reading this has made me realize he has never comforted me when I've cried. I've always just been told to toughen up or be told it's my fault. I can't believe I've never thought about that.

Sygnetswan - I’m sorry, the realisation hurts doesn’t it. I’m guessing he never has your back either? I hope that if things don’t improve you don’t waste as much of your life on him as I have, but I know how difficult it is with little ones. Sending love your way.

It doesn't really matter what you call it, does it? The point is that it's behaviour that you need to get out of your life and the children's lives. He's had more than enough chances to improve it.

Absolutely right, I don’t need to know. Thanks to all that replied, the thread was very helpful during a difficult night. No news, he left for work as usual, I left him to it. Going to chat with a friend this morning before I decide exactly how to communicate with him.

Do whats right for you and your children. My DS has ASD and I would be heartbroken if this is the type of man he turned out to be. He needs serious help and honestly I thinks its probably a combination of childhood trauma from what you describe of his parents behaviour. That said he will never address it or change in your current situation. You have enabled the behaviour. I totally understand why you loved him and wanted a happy life for your children. Now is the time to be strong and get some counselling for you and your children once the practical stuff is done. Its unlikely his behaviour hasnt damaged the kids so far but there is still plenty of time to turn that around.

Yes, I will definitely seek help for the children, that’s a wonderful idea, thank you. And yes, I’ve enabled him, even stuck at it when he once said he didn’t love me, or love anyone. He’s a miserable git who I haven’t laughed with in many years, I crave affection and feeling relaxed again, so envious of others who are happy. Trying to summon up the courage to email him and tell him to move out. I don’t even want him to come back in the house tonight.

@OhioOhioOhio just read it. He’s the bully - no surprise there. It’s a very good read, Living with the Dominator, free on the Kindle. I would recommend.

So did he come back OP? Are you OK?

I don’t think you always need a label - someone can just be a wanker.

Hope you’re safe, OP. Smashing furniture in a rage is a huge red flag, it can be the precursor to getting violent with you. I hope that’s not the case.