Things you think about differently since having children

[BabyLlamaZen]

1. Adoption and surrogacy. I really can't work out my views on surrogacy, but it's not as simple as I once thought. As a general rule, I always thought both would be very hard on the biological mother. Now I've had a baby, I've seen how early on a newborn is attached to it's mother and it's heartbreaking. So even though I understand it's an important process, I find it much more upsetting. I suppose in an ideal world, only those who wanted children would be able to have them and those who wanted them definitely could! Not sure how this would work for gay couples though :(

1. Always thought if one of my single friends got pregnant I'd think it'd be wonderful. Now all I can think of is how horrendously difficult that would be!

What are your view changes if any?

1. I am a lot less fussed by pets 😳 have wanted a dog my whole life and now couldn't care less

Yep I agree with all three of yours! I used to think surrogacy would be hard for the mother but it’s heartbreaking to think of a newborn baby taken away from its mother

Everything. Bloody everything! And it scrambles my brain. I absolutely hadn't considered that having a child would make me more ... sensitive, I guess? About everything- it drives me mad. I wish I didn't care/notice like I used to

I think about all the previous generations of my family. They're all anonymous, and I will be too, to generations to come. It fries my brain to think that me, my kids and future grandkids are just links in a very long chain.

Yes on surrogacy.
Also international adoption: it’s very adopter driven and it’s often an unregulated market of poor children. In some countries poor families don’t even know or understand that child is adopted out of the country. I don’t think a child should be ripped out of their community, culture or family. Main reason for adoption is poverty. Lots of interesting papers and research on this and many international adoptees posted on their issues growing up in all white communities (and often remembering their birth families).

Yes on surrogacy I just simply can't imagine being able to do this myself so I find it so hard to envisage...

I feel similar about abortion to be honest. I would never attempt to police women or deny rights but before I had my baby I had a much more casual approach to it. I just can't reconcile that now.

I have astonishment for how my mum coped and so much respect as she had children in far more challenging conditions than me.

Abortion is an interesting one. When pregnant I was actually more understanding of it because I had barely any symptoms and could understand how someone wouldnt know they were pregnant. I also didnt feel that much prescan, despite ds being very wanted!
However since having him it all feels very real. I know a woman's life is just as important, but when I read about late abortions, particularly because the timing 'just isn't great', I find it really hard.

Also seeing a baby cry. Still gets me!
Reading about child abuse. 😫

It’s made me more pro choice. Having a child is such a big deal, beyond my imagination, that the ability to stop it must be something we can offer women.

A child I knew and loved died in my early twenties. I was very, very sad, but I did not understand the horror of it until I had my own.

I tolerate people who don’t care for my children a lot less than I did. My parents are not that bothered, I have given up trying. My MIL who I always found a bit irritating pre children I forgive a lot more now as I realise how much she adores my children.

Oh and on the dog thing - I completely get this. My parents dogs, however, have always come at a higher priority to my children and I find that difficult to forgive.

DD was born through surrogacy - I do understand that most other women wouldn’t be able to give away a baby they’ve carried. That’s what’s different about women who choose to be a surrogate.

Our surrogate loves DD but doesn’t want to be her mum 🥰

That's so interesting @very does she still have a relationship with her?

And I didn’t ‘have’ her but I totally get the change in thinking since DD was born. Can’t bear anything to do with children suffering and AMA bit less strident about abortion and a few other things.

women's rights. I had a dd. Used to be all 'live and let live,' now I'm like, well not that. My eyes have been opened and I want better for her.

A bit of a mean one, but I am way less fussed by other people's kids. They're just other people now. (And I find them less cute 😂🙈)

Weddings. The fuss...the carry on....the expense. "The best day of your life" the fallings out because your friends with kids arent as interested in your wedding as you think they should be.
Who gives a shit

@very Thay’s lovely. I struggle with surrogacy though where women are clearly doing it to feed their families and don’t have many other choices in life (see baby farms in India - not legal anymore) and more recently the situation in the Ukraine. A lot of women in poor countries don’t have many choices. So
i think your idea that women “choose” to be a surrogate is idealistic or maybe only applies in England.

Having a child made me more pro-choice. Can’t even imagine doing this alone, or with limited financial resources or other difficult circumstances. It completely changes your life. I was born to a teenage mother and she really struggled.

@babylama yes they have a really good relationship – DD understands about her ‘tummy mummy’, and how she helped us to have a family when my tummy didn’t work. She’s only five, so the details will get fleshed out as she gets older.

That it is totally, completely and utterly wrong to chose to enter parenthood as a single parent.

I ended up a single parent. Kids need a father figure. It's a living hell.

Gosh, I think about much more shallow things... How I used to sleep in until lunchtime and not think anything of it, how selfish I used to be (and loved it), how much I enjoyed living on my own, how much I loved living without debilitating anxiety that has crept up on me since having children...

I'm also a lot more judgemental about women who don't breastfeed and who have loads of pain relief in labour. I never used to give this a second thought, but natural birth and breastfeeding felt like the right thing to do and I hate how we've been influenced through the media to devalue these things.

@AdriannaP yep MN isn’t really the place for pro-surrogacy chat so I’ll bow out before it turns ugly. But for us it’s been wonderful. Most surrogates in the UK/US/Aus/Canada aren’t doing it for money - they wouldn’t be allowed to if they were broke, it’d be banned by the courts as that’s clearly exploitation. They’re women who liked having children but didn’t want any more children of their own. Our surrogate is family forever and we love her 🥰

Everything!

Particularly that women still are not getting the rights they deserve, are not viewed in the same way from pregnancy onwards.

The dairy industry

I was never okay with it but since having DS I find it heartbreaking that mothers can be forced to get pregnant over and over again just so humans can drink their milk, while their babies are taken away from them at a few days old, deprived of their mothers care and milk.

Not to mention the pain and discomfort of repeated pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding, and mastitis which they have to endure.

Only for those same babies to go through the same process their mother does if female, and to be used for meat if male.

I can't get my head around how (human) mothers are okay with it, no matter how much I try.

In my experience...

I was a surrogate a few years ago and I can't think of more precious gift to give someone.