Things you think about differently since having children

[BabyLlamaZen]

1. Adoption and surrogacy. I really can't work out my views on surrogacy, but it's not as simple as I once thought. As a general rule, I always thought both would be very hard on the biological mother. Now I've had a baby, I've seen how early on a newborn is attached to it's mother and it's heartbreaking. So even though I understand it's an important process, I find it much more upsetting. I suppose in an ideal world, only those who wanted children would be able to have them and those who wanted them definitely could! Not sure how this would work for gay couples though :(

1. Always thought if one of my single friends got pregnant I'd think it'd be wonderful. Now all I can think of is how horrendously difficult that would be!

More than ever convinced of the importance of safe, legal abortion as early as possible and as late as necessary. Much more appreciate of the obstetric surgery that meant DS and I both emerged from birth alive. More convinced than ever of the importance of mothers having meaningful work and economic independence.

I've found I've actually become more accepting and 'live and let live.'

Want to formula feed/BF/go to work/stay at home/c sec/vaginal birth/epidural/gas and air etc etc just do what works for you.

Obviously I'm not talking about not using a car seat or giving your kid food at 6 weeks, I mean the stuff that people agonize over that actually doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

On the flip side, I've suddenly realised how bloody dangerous driving is. Pre-kids I used to drive 30,000 miles a year without batting an eyelid, now I'm just so aware a lorry could pull out and side swipe us all

Womens rights
I thought we had equality
We don't.
It's shit.

Oh and maybe I was naive but I no longer have blind faith in the NHS, my treatment during the birth of my first was abhorrent

Love. I’ve realised what unconditional love is. Relationships are conditional and rightly so- if a guy is abusive or cheats you should stop loving them. But no matter what your child does there is nothing on earth that could stop you loving them even if what they did was very very wrong.

I’ll probably be flamed because people will say it’s patronising to childless people but it’s true -it’s such a deep love and unconditional live and it’s unlike any other love in life.

Since having children I’m usually quite shocked by how unprepared and lacking in knowledge a lot of parents seem to be.

Surely if you’re having a child you do your best to understand pregnancy, labour, birth, infant safety and feeding, some basic child development?

The amount of parents who seem absolutely clueless often floors me.

Surrogacy

Abortion

In some ways I am less judgemental e.g. screen time, how you feed your kids and in others ways I am more so e.g. I always thought it was the hardest thing in the world and mistakes would happen. It still is, but there are certain things I would never do.

I realise how constrained I am by my biology, even more so when DD came along.

Pacifiers

I swore I’d never use them, now I can pretty much land one in DS’s grizzling half awake mouth from the other side of the bedroom. Boom- back to sleep you go!

Also I used to think the ‘unconditional love’ would hit me like a truck the moment DS vacated me. I thought I’d leave the Labour ward on a euphoric high of bonding and connection.

I was ‘high’ on pethodine, saturated in my own juices and so sleep deprived DS may have gotten left behind were it not for vigilant DH.

Every mum I’ve spoken to since said the same, the ‘unconditional love’ really kicks in once you’re home and settled.

I saw the saddest story about surrogacy on the news today. A surrogate baby was born premature and had disabilities.....she was just dumped, this was abroad were a lot of British couple source babies via an agency. The surrogate didn’t want her and the
Actual parents rejected her as she wasn’t the ‘perfect’ baby they wanted.

With my first baby I felt very anti abortion. How could anyone destroy such a perfect thing??

With my second (VERY much wanted and loved and generally 'easy' baby) I changed back to very much pro choice thinking. Babies are hard work and change your life so much. I can completely understand why a woman may need to choose to terminate a pregnancy.

Abortion - I've always been pro-choice but really underestimated how hard pregnancy would be.
War - it's really hard to make a human being, please don't waste them!

I used to be on the fence about Abortion, now, having had the pregnancy from hell , there is no way any woman should be made to go through that without being absolutely committed to the decision.
Also, cant cope with any news or T.V stories where something bad happens to kids. Keeps me awake at night and terrified.

I feel differently about the role of a mother and how important it is. Prior to kids I always thought it was a gender role pushed on women, there weren’t really any differences between men and women, dads were equally important, etc. My partner obviously loves our daughter but I felt connected to her on a much more primal level when she was born.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff

Also had faith that I would be treated as an informed patient. This didn't happen in my case. I didn't feel cared for during my son's birth.

So sorry you had such a bad time. 💐

Very little actually...I must be a bit of an outlier!

Very similar to you.

Surrogacy - I was neutral on this before and have a good friend who was a true altruistic surrogate. I now think it's abhorrent to engineer a situation where a newborn is removed from the woman it knows as it's mother. Unfortunately I now see it as the baby's needs coming last to adult wants. I never understood how primal the connect is between mother and newborn and with this in mind I wouldn't have said we bonded straight away.

Abortion - I'm more pro choice, I had an easy pregnancy and it did make me uncomfortable for a while but now I know the reality of raising a child I don't think it is anything that should be forced.

Pets - really don't care about pets now. We have a ddog who is still well cared for but he really isn't a priority now. Wouldn't have any more pets.

I see my child in all other children so I find many things a lot more upsetting and am probably more emotional.

I realise everything I thought about parenting pre children was utter bullshit. I am less judgemental now and I try a lot harder to be kind. I realise that it's HARD and it isn't necessarily PND or whatever, sometimes it's just hard and rubbish.

Also that I'd care so much when he didn't sleep! I didnt realise how horrible it is for them when they don't sleep.

Also how lonely it can be having a baby. Single parents I bow down to you!

Women's rights - it seems like more inequality reveals itself once you become a mother. The misogyny of comedians or drag queens mocking breastfeeding, women's careers being kicked to the side with covid, the assumption that now youve given birth you're 'ruined goods', that you don't have a right to be in a cafe or public space lest your baby cry, that you can't park in a p&c space without cries of someone else might need them MORE, you don't really need them because you chose to have your vagina sliced open and we never had them in my day. Fuck that.

Agree @Russellbrandshair That parents arent just being smug twats when they talk of a love like no other. It really is.

Oh and how little time you have. Also how hard it must be to be a SAHP.

A slightly more practical thing - the importance of public toilets when I’m out and about. Important with a small child who insists she doesn’t need the toilet until the last minute, and my bladder isn’t what it used to be after pregnancy and childbirth!

And the importance of public space in general - parks, playgrounds, and green spaces. I live in a city, so they were important to me before children, but are more important now. Especially during lockdown as we don’t have a garden - there’s a small nature reserve near us that was a godsend for walks and ‘adventures’ over the past few months.