Things you think about differently since having children

[BabyLlamaZen]

1. Adoption and surrogacy. I really can't work out my views on surrogacy, but it's not as simple as I once thought. As a general rule, I always thought both would be very hard on the biological mother. Now I've had a baby, I've seen how early on a newborn is attached to it's mother and it's heartbreaking. So even though I understand it's an important process, I find it much more upsetting. I suppose in an ideal world, only those who wanted children would be able to have them and those who wanted them definitely could! Not sure how this would work for gay couples though :(

1. Always thought if one of my single friends got pregnant I'd think it'd be wonderful. Now all I can think of is how horrendously difficult that would be!

I’ve gone the opposite way on pain relief in labour. I thought I wanted a ‘natural’ birth with minimal pain relief. However labour was bloody horrendous and I had an epidural and it was marvellous. Next time (if there is one) I shall have one as early as possible.

I’m more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve taught y6 for years and have never cried at them leaving - it’s sad for them, and I like them, but ultimate for me it’s not cry worthy. Today I played them a potential leavers song and felt myself welling up. Not sure if it’s the fact they’re having such a crap end to their primary career and I feel sad for them or what, but I’m definitely blaming my post baby brain at least a bit.

@MrsPworkingmummy I'd say I'm the opposite to you. Having had a horrendous experience with my first labour, I am a lot more relaxed about intervention, pain relief and the pressure on women to breastfeed.

I also have a lot less time for people who try to suggest that a c-section is the easy way out. Sure being cut open to make sure your child and you survive is easy

In fact, I just have a lot less time and patience for people in general.

@PippinStar

It seems really awful doesn't it?

I'm far more forthright in my pro choice opinions now knowing the material reality of the near endless labour and love and patience and money and support that is required to raise a child. And like others, I was largely apathetic about surrogacy prior to motherhood and now I find it morally objectionable.

Sorry @MrsPworkingmummy you judge women who have pain relief in labour? Why?!

Natural labour 'just felt like the right thing to do' I've never heard such shite in my life. Probs should have let my baby's heart rate continue to dip dangerously low and not had him pulled out with forceps and a big fuck off epidural, just felt like the right thing to do 🤦🏻‍♀️

Surrogacy- I’m very much against it, enhanced views since becoming a mother
Abortion - never changed my view on this, completely pro choice
Adoption - Never changed my view on this, if needs be, the business it is in places like the US = abhorrent

Very much more pro women’s rights now I have a daughter.
Benefits -have probably become more socialist in my views and encourage greater benefits and higher taxes in the U.K. than I did before

When my child got to the age James Bulger died in that most horrific and brutal way. From the start to the finish. I cry everyone I think about the case and the smallest of details.

@Fatted

Sorry to hear about your experience...I wasn't personally bothered about pain. But wish I had had a c section. Just the risks would have been more preferable for me. If things go wrong in c section, though rare...they can go very wrong. I have never met anyone downplaying risks of c section in real life.

But I didn't know the reality of vaginal birth injuries...

I hope you don't have long term issues from your c section. For some people birth seems to go wrong whatever happens, c section or vaginal birth. 💐

Mainly mine are views about parenting itself! I was so clueless

I used to think smacking children was perfectly sensible and who would want to faff about with a naughty step when a smack would work quicker Now I am totally against it and actually don't really think much of any punishment at all - I just don't see children's behaviour in the same way. They are not wild beasts to be controlled, but people who are learning, and you can't learn well when you're afraid of something, so fear is quite counterproductive.

I used to think modern car seats were totally overkill and why wouldn't you just use the most basic one - anyone who has come across me on the car seat board would be shocked at this one :o :o Actually in fairness, I do still hold some extent of this belief. I don't think people should overcomplicate their car seat decision and I think it's important to recognise that even the most basic car seat offers some protection and it's all about weighing up what's the most practical solution for you while still meeting a minimum level of safety you're comfortable with, and not necessarily about what is the very most possibly safest thing in all situations. Which is where I tend to differ from a lot of other car seat enthusiasts online. But I definitely see for example the merit in high backed boosters now compared to booster cushions, and big car seats that take up space in the car.

Abortion and surrogacy yes, similar to what others say - but less so because of parenting, and more so because of life experience/thinking about it a bit more deeply.

Death. I'm terrified of leaving DD and DH behind. Of causing them that pain and changing her life that way. I know it sounds incredibly narcissistic but I just worry for her.

I'm also much more open minded re abortion, pain relief, breastfeeding etc. I always thought I was but when my natural birth went the way of GD, a 50+ hour induction, emergency section and no milk I found it very tough to accept at the time.... How dare I have judged peoples choices.

And lastly, I have less patience with my own mother. I made a lot of excuses for her coldness growing up but now I have much less tolerance for her.

God that all sounds very negative... But motherhood is still the very best thing that happened to me!

Oh , also, I think I have shifted my opinion of the nature/ nurture debate. Pre kids I'd watch Jo Frost wave her magic over her house and be convinced that nurture was the winner. Now I suspect that the baby and toddler shelves would be a lot sparser if the clear genetic winner were made plain (that and the editing magic of the Jo Frost production team were revealed)

I was always pro choice about abortions, but even more so now. I detested pregnancy despite choosing it, but the idea of being forced to go through with it even if it was an accident is abhorrent to me.

I always thought my body would go back to how it was before having kids. Hahahaha, how bloody wrong I was! I do have a new respect for it though, even when I thought I was going to die of exhaustion it kept on going, and it grew two normal sized babies at once. It is amazing!

Buying puppies and kittens and the trade in baby animals in general now seems horrendously immoral to me.

Since becoming a mum and feeling that unconditional love for my boys, it made me think about the fact that my parents love me that much too. And that one of my sisters moving to the other side of the world must have been quite heartbreaking for them.

On a more basic level, danger. Danger everywhere
I vividly recall standing in the foyer of the maternity unit with a newborn DS cocooned in his car seat, and being amazed at the speed people were driving and the casual way people were just crossing the road.
I got over myself fairly quickly and have in general been a laid back parent, but dear god those first few weeks were an eye opener

@TrixIrl

Not everyone can manage to breastfeed. I think a lot of things can affect it.

I am deeply and profoundly affected by any description or thought of child neglect or abuse. It affects my mental health severely.
As someone mentioned James Bulger, same age as my first child, I had severe anxiety, sleepless nights, feelings of nausea at the mention of that little child’s name.

Prior to my children I had felt very very sad by any news like this but it didn’t affect me in such a way.

I look at other parents with a higher respect knowing how parenting is so challenging.

Having endured multiple miscarriages & periods of infertility I view the whole conception process very differently, it’s not as easy as I once thought.

Uncut grapes. I can’t ever look at them in the same way again.

@FourPlasticRings

Some of the conditions animals are kept in are horrible and when they're abandoned...

Oh also, I thought it would be great fun to be a parent because I think I thought it would be like having loads of kids to play with I somehow managed to miss that I had to be the boring sensible one oh, and also that playing magically becomes boring as fuck once you're actually grown up.

But seriously, I thought that I could effortlessly be the fun parent who had this amazing relationship with my kids and it took me an embarrassingly long time to understand that you actually have to put a significant amount of energy into a very different role, one that's stable and in charge and confident, to even come close to being "the fun parent". I rarely ever have the energy.

A sad one actually - I thought that whoever the dad was didn't matter very much because dads don't really have much of an influence on their DC and if he wasn't supportive of me I would just go off and be a single parent on my own. I did fine with that, and I would have absolutely been fine if it was as simple as that but I was heartbroken to discover just how much of an impact a crap dad does have on DC, whether it's by their presence or their absence. How difficult it would be to deal with behaviour/mannerisms of DC which remind you of their dad who yuou don't necessarily have an abundance of pleasant memories of. How fucking tedious and constraining the ex can make things if they have the will to. How difficult and painful it is to try and explain to DC why their dad isn't around, why they have siblings they have never met/don't remember, and a host of other lovely things. I have done a complete 180 on this one. The choice of father is the single most important decision you will make. If you've already made it and feel you've fucked up, welcome to the club, I'm not judging! And it's not like you can't make it work even if their dad is crap. But if I could name one single decision that you don't want to get wrong if you can help it, it's that one.

@Kaybm absolutely. And I totally would have said as much pre-baby. But facing that reality myself and how depressed I was when I couldn't, made me face up to the fact that maybe I thought everyone could/should and the inherent societal pressure.

Now, more than ever, I know it's absolutely zero of my business and that everyone should be supported no matter what they choose.

I was always pro-choice but now I am even more vehemently so. Noone should be forced to go through an unwanted pregnancy and all children should be wanted.

@TrixIrl

Sure. I wanted desperately to breastfeed for a year...gave up after 3 months. No it isn't anyone's business if women breastfeed or not. Well not to judge them.

I've realised

• I don't agree with donor egg/sperm children. I look at my DD and I see generations of mine/DH family and extended family.

• I don't agree with deliberately creating a child that is either motherless or fatherless

• my own mortality - for the first 12 months I was petrified Id die and not be able to see DD grow up

• I used to think no way would I allow my child an iPad or phone to play with....now it's the first thing that comes out to keep them distracted so I can get on with something

• surrogacy where the child is genetically linked to the ultimate parents is fine

• I was very much pro choice before but less so now

• I used to think having a career was important to me. Now less so. Fertility and family is more important. I'm 36 and now permanently infertile from 2 ectopics. No one ever had "good employee" on their headstone; it's always loving wife, mother, grandmother.

@KayBM

Some of the conditions animals are kept in are horrible and when they're abandoned...

Indeed, but even when they're not badly kept, the knowledge of how very primal my need to stay close to my baby felt made me realise that it's probably biologically determined. And, if that's the case, mothers of all species likely have it, and we know that both baby animals and their mothers show stress at separation. It seems horrendously cruel to do this to other animals just so we can have cute things to pet.