Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Slept with him too soon

90 replies

MalamuteLover · 10/06/2020 09:24

I'm such an idiot. Met this guy via OLD weve got a mutual friend and we had sex. Now I've been ghosted how embarrassing

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 10/06/2020 09:26

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Don’t beat yourself up over this guy, he’s a jerk to do this.

NamechangeOnceMore · 10/06/2020 09:43

It's not your fault. If he's the type to ghost you after sex, he'd have done it if you'd waited until the 3rd or 10th date. You've had a lucky escape.

There's no such thing as sleeping with a man too early if he's the right man for you. I slept with both my husbands on the first date...

Flittingabout · 10/06/2020 09:46

If he's the type to ghost you after sex, he'd have done it if you'd waited until the 3rd or 10th date. You've had a lucky escape.

^ this is true.

Generally I think if you are meant to be together it can't be sabotaged by having sex "too soon".

On the other hand it certainly pays off to see who is only interested in sex because if they go cold or back off if you make it clear that you don't have casual sex...

Original poster
MalamuteLover · 10/06/2020 10:03
Blush
OP posts:
feelingsomewhatlost · 10/06/2020 10:03

You’re not an idiot! He is. You had a lucky escape, he’s an arsehole for doing that x

x2boys · 10/06/2020 10:11

Yep lucky escape he was clearly just after sex ,fwiw my dh was supposed to be a,one night stand ,15 years and two children later here we are .

Glitterb · 10/06/2020 10:14

If he was the ghosting after sex type then he would have done it anyway, OP, so don’t feel bad or waste anytime worrying about it.

Lucky escape!

Starcup · 10/06/2020 10:18

Generally I think if you are meant to be together it can't be sabotaged by having sex "too soon"**

**On the other hand it certainly pays off to see who is only interested in sex because if they go cold or back off if you make it clear that you don't have casual sex...’

@Flittingabout

I think the perception that having sex on the first night/date makes a woman ‘easy’ is why it would put some men off.

It’s completely double standards and bullshit of course. Men can be easy and are perceived as alpha male types whereas women who have slept with many men are seen is not desirable. Ridiculous double standards

DoingMyOwnThing · 10/06/2020 10:51

The only idiot thing you have done is taken a chance of getting covid-19
otherwise the bloke is a waste of space and you deserve better.

All people men or women that ghost are awful cowards that cannot just say not feeling it/goodbye/don't match/don't want to continue to chat/date/have sex ect

Addler · 10/06/2020 11:03

You've had a lucky escape, he's not the sort of person you want to be with. You can have sex on the first date with a decent person and have a relationship, or you can have sex on the 6th date with a time waster and never hear from them again.

Littlebyerockerboo · 10/06/2020 11:11

....how much contact have you had since sleeping with him? Did you send some overly emotional messages after? Did you send more than one? Im just trying to work out why you feel so embarrassed/ashamed.

If you've just been calm and casual, but ghosted, then please don't feel embarrassed, hes got the problem not you and you havent done anything wrong. You had sex (hope it was good) and you got yours. Try and find the empowerment in it, and try and shake the emotional attachment to it, and put it in the past. Its happened and it not your present...... Next!....

Oh, and if mutual friends find out, or your worried about what others may think.. if it ever comes up, just go with the absent minded response of

"Oh yeah, Clive, we had a date and i slept with him, god I had forgotten all about him, he was pretty dull/great/lame, dont think we spoke again after... anyway, ive met this great new bloke/dog/log on my socially distance walk.... blah blah blah"

Don't give it head space op x

Original poster
MalamuteLover · 10/06/2020 12:26

I texted him on Saturday laughing and apologising for my drunkenness he said he had no complaints lol. He wants to meet my cat (not a pun) so Sunday night I messaged a picture of the cat on my feet saying I cant move. He texted back yeah hes a huge cat. no contact since. At least I've had a shag

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 10/06/2020 12:37

Well it's only Wednesday, not that long since you saw him so a bit soon to say you've been ghosted.

We honestly can't win. Many many years ago when I was single, men were constantly pressuring for sex. I was told it was quite normal to sleep together on first date. The fact is, I didn't fancy any. Then I met Mr Wonderful who swept me off my feet one afternoon and evening and I slept with him. It was amazing.

He never forgave me for us sleeping together so quickly. He said he felt he had 'dishonoured' me and that sex without love was nothing. However he wanted me and kept me dangling for nearly six months, changing his mind about sex frequently.

Lesson learned.

Love 'em and leave 'em. You're no worse off than you were before you met him and, in your case, I think he'll ring you by the weekend. Take it easy though. Be independent.

Pleasenodont · 10/06/2020 12:37

It’s honestly nothing to do with when you had sex. I had sex on the first date with my husband, I know many who have long lasting relationships after doing the same. He would have ghosted you even if you’d waited till the tenth date to have sex, he’s just an arsehole.

SarahTancredi · 10/06/2020 12:42

I hate all this "too soon" crap. Its list societal standards placed on women who do t seem to be a le to enjoy sex without being some kind of slut/slag/morally loose etc

If 2 consenting adults want to sleep together that's up to them. If they are arseholes who ditch you when they sleep with you that will happen on night one or night 20.

Tbh its probably not a bad thing to sleep with people befire you are too emotionally invested. Life is too short to put up with shit sex cos you fell in love or the worry of what other people think if you sleep with them befire some arbitrary time cut off.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/06/2020 12:48

The sex on the first date is not a problem. If you want to sleep with someone, do that. To not do is playing games.
But, the ghosting of you by him is shit. Lucky escape.

Isthisfinallyit · 10/06/2020 12:56

Forget it OP, sleeping with someone soon is a good way to weed out the men that are selfish or shit in bed before you get too involved. See it as part of getting to know someone Grin. Too many men are shit in bed. Was the shag nice?

Isthisfinallyit · 10/06/2020 12:57

I slept with DH on the first date. I also slept with some other losers on the first or second date before I met DH. Don't make it a big thing.

borntohula · 10/06/2020 13:00

I seriously can't believe people who do this whole 'ghosting' thing after sleeping with someone. How can someone lead someone to believe they want to get to know them only to have sex with them and forget about them? How will they ever have GOOD sex with a genuine connection like that?

Anyway, sorry OP, personally I think you've dodged a bullet. He should be embarrassed, not you.

Original poster
MalamuteLover · 10/06/2020 13:02

Thank god we used a condom

OP posts:
x2boys · 10/06/2020 13:03

I'm don't know @borntohula it's ridiculous in this day and age but it did happen to me several times, not with dh obviously but before I met him.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/06/2020 13:04

You wouldn't have managed him into a relationship by withholding sex for longer if he wasn't into you enough anyway. At least this way you had an orgasm - hopefully

x2boys · 10/06/2020 13:05

Do you definitely think he's ghosted you though Op? maybe he has or maybe he's trying not to appear to eager ,it's only been a couple of days.

borntohula · 10/06/2020 13:09

x2 it is ridiculous, why go to the effort of chatting to and 'pursuing' somebody, why not just be upfront and say 'I'm only in this to get laid?' You'd think they'd grow out of it eventually.

Emmagen · 10/06/2020 13:16

Don't feel bad about it, you did nothing wrong. If he's the type to ghost you it would have happened anyway.

I slept with DH on the first date. He was actually my first so I hardly think it make me 'easy' which is a ridiculous term anyway!