Just called police about DH.

[onetwoone]

Can someone please talk to me.

I've name changed as I don't want this to follow me around on here.

I've been rowing with my DH about something that doesn't even matter much in the big scheme of things and I felt at the time he was aggressive and threatening and I called the police.

We have been together a number of years and I've never felt threatened before tonight.

Now I think I over reacted. But I'm not sure if I did it's all muddled in my mind what happened and I feel guilty and wrong but at the time I felt like I needed to call them because I did feel scared and I was scared.

I don't know what I want anyone to say to me I just want a hand hold I think.

He didn't hit me and I don't think he would of looking back but I was frightened of him at that point and I have never called the police before.

Ffs. I feel like shit.

Now I am worried they will report a safeguarding issue where there isn't one.

I've explained there is no and has never been any violence but what will happen now.

I'm frightened I've opened up a can of worms because I might have over reacted.

If you were scared there was a reason.

Don't minimise this

It is self preservation. It doesn't matter if the rest of the time he is Jesus Christ himself, if he scared you something is wrong.

Have the police been yet?

Have things calmed down?

Sorry you’ve had a bad evening!
What actually happened?

Is it children’s social care you are worried about being reported to?

You called the police for a reason.

How you doing?

Yes and they were great. They said they have seen this a lot over the lockdown and he's gown to stay with a friend tonight at their instince. He wasn't arrested as nothing had happened except a heated arguement.

They took a statement from me.

What will happen now?

I don’t think anything with necessarily happen. Sounds like they just separated you and have left it at that.

He is at his friends.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before so I am probably a bit hysterical about what happens.

I am scared they will send social
Services and yet I have nothing to be scared of.

I'm just a bog standard mum who works full time and looks after her DD. That's it. No issues at all. Boring every day same as everyone else.

I've never had to call the police. Never had to.
I realise I'm incredibly lucky in that respect.

I don't even know what I am worried about.
I think it's just because the police have been here and i don't know how to process it.

I know I am over reacting now with the worry about it all.

If this is the only police call out and it was just for an argument I don’t think you will have any social care involvement.

The police sometimes do sent a report through to social care where there has been a domestic incident in a house with a child. If there is no other concerns as as you say it was a one off verbal arguments I don’t think social care will feel it’s something they need to assess.

I feel like I have really over reacted now as it was just a heated arguement looking back.
I can't even remember what was said to make me feel like I did and that is making me doubt myself but at the same time I have never felt the need to call the police before and we have argued before as everyone has. This was different. It's all a complete blur I think because it all happened so quickly from the argument to the police being here to him going.

What a fucking mess.

Hello op,
Last year I called the police numerous times regarding my DP, who was having serious MH issues at the time and taking it out on me. It was horrendous, I too felt threatened and scared, I had full police support and like you, they would get him to leave.
Many times i felt silly and i would take him back and the cycle would repeat.
After a while, something clicked in DP and now he avoids confrontation when he feels he is getting out of control. It shouldn't have taken the steps it did to get him to see how destructive and scary his behaviour was, but he did finally see it - and i was kept safe at a scary period.
By calling the police and following through, you have made a clear statement to your DH that his behaviour was unacceptable, scary and won't be tolerated.
When he comes back I strongly suggest that you sit him down and have a open and serious discussion about how it came to having to involve the police, why it got that far, and how next time you can both work to seeing the triggers and stopping short of it happening again.
Well done op, you did the right thing at the time.
To add, I have one DS (6) that is not my DPs son, I was clear to police this hadnt effected him, he had never been witness to anything (all true) and the police had no concerns about his safety, it was just noted that I did have a child.
I sas scared there might be safeguarding issues after incidents involving the police too, but the police aren't there to judge, they are there for your safety and won't come barging in trying to take your DC away.

Hand hold for you, because i know this is confusing and scary, and it's difficult to make sense of what has just happened. I really do understand where you're coming from x x x x x

Thank you little by rock. That means a lot your reply.

I feel like I am going mad.

Is this a one off op?
You did the right thing to make sure everyone was safe. It’s better to call and then regret it than to have not called and then it escalates further.

Yes it's a one off.

I know I will be slated for this but he is usually the kindest and most patient and tolerant person I know.
Tonight was the first time I've felt like this about him. Maybe that's why it felt different because it was so different to him.

We have had rows before I mean of course we have but this wasn't the same.

When the argument became heated did you ask him to leave? Or did you just go and call the police straight away with no warning to your husband?

Obviously it’s not the best time so it’s possible it could of been an over reaction it’s hard to tell. For you to call the police was it one of the most heated arguments you’ve had before?

He obviously crossed a line and seriously frightened you, even if he didn't physically harm you.

Tbh, calling the police and then having him stay with a friend was probably the best move. It demonstrates how much his behaviour affected you and if he's normally a kind and patient person, it will be a wake-up call to never behave that way again.

Try and get some sleep and you can talk it over in a day or two.

I could really resonate with your post (and now know there's a bigger reason I'm awake feeling rubbish at this time of night, lol)
Youre in shock right now, its a very normal way to feel, something dramatic and big has happened, and you've taken steps that feel extreme.
The fact your DH is gone, and there's been an abrupt end is also a difficult one, your mind is racing trying to make sense of something that is quite jumbled - as is the nature of heated arguments.

I honestly want you to know you did the right thing, my DP has never hit me either, but he did have form for slamming doors, getting too close, becoming threatening, following me around if I tried to create distance, if i left the house, he would come after me, more than once he shut me in a room, or blocked an exit path - it really did get too much - the last time I called the police, I called them before it had even got as far as "leave me alone, give me space..."

"No...." following...

"999, police please"

And the police reassured me to call each and everytime I felt under and kind of threat. As I said, in the end it was the best thing I did. It doesn't make any of it right, less scary and I understand you feel so stupid, but you are not, and it is not.

In the end my DP knew that he could not behave in that way, and now he does not behave in that manner, i am safe. The boundaries in our relationship are clear, and we have been without incident for over a year.

I might get flamed for every staying with a man like this, but there's 'plenty of good stuff' too. If i wrote even a quarter of the stuff that DP and I had been through then i would get LTB over and over, but sometimes things aren't always straight forward.

Please try and get some rest op, best thing for it, and when DH comes back, please stand by what happened, so he is clear that his behaviour was enough for you to feel threatened, even if you cant make sense of what happened or the time scale of the escalation, please dont minimise it, because you want the outcome of ringing the police to be: your behaviour was unacceptable, during an argument. Here's how we deal with it better, i will not hesitate to call the police if I feel the need again. Put it behind us and move forward, but never treat me this way again.

Please dont apologise to him when he comes back. Make it clear that it shouldn't escalate to that scale, even if secretly, you can't make sense of what happened yourself - if hes any kind of man, hopefully he will respect what happened and you won't face those dramas again in the future

I'm thinking of you op, get some rest. Xx

I think I asked him to leave. I'm sure I did but I couldn't swear On my life I did.
It all happened so fast or it seemed to.

We've rowed before I mean who hasn't but this was nasty. He was nasty. I was nasty back and then I am sure I said just go before it becomes even more toxic than it is now or something to that effect. Then it just escalated.

We don't row to be honest. Very rarely. A bit more now because we are getting on each other's nerves because of lock down. But really not very often and never a shouty row.
More passive aggressive over politeness type of row when we do.

Had either of you been drinking and that’s why things escalated?
Or is it the stress of lockdown?
Either way I think the police would have told you if further action needed to be taken.
You probably need to talk things over with your partner and try to prevent this from happening again.

ps. Also we are all feeling pressure under lockdown, its getting more difficult day by day. Please go easy on yourself.
This was a one off, but still an important lesson needs to be learned by your DH, but be kind to yourself knowing that in these lockdown times we are all feeling highly emotional and stressed.

@onetwoone ahhh I see if that was the case. I don’t think you have done anything wrong. In the heat of the moment it happens and the police clearly needed to step in I wouldn’t worry about it. Have you spoken to your husband since?

Thank you little.
That sums it up. I'm glad things have worked out for you.

I think because I have never had to call the police it's such a big issue in my own head.

I am going to go and lie down and see what tomorrow brings.

Everyone who has replied has made me feel a bit better and I am glad I posted because it has helped me make a bit of sense of
tonight when I felt I didn't want to talk to anyone in real Life.

@Samtsirch

Yes. I had had a wine and soda. A large one. So maybe a quarter bottle of wine as it was in a balloon gin glass but lots of ice and soda so maybe less than that.

He'd had about four drinks of lager.
Possibly five. Not sure. Over the course of about three hours with food.

It may have been a factor. I'm not sure. Neither of us were drunk. He might of been a bit tipsy but nothing out of the usual I mean he wasn't drunk and we don't row when we have a drink together.

We/he do have a drink at the weekend but not through the week.

I would rarely talk to anyone IRL and it was before I found the magic of mumsnet, however I dont think mumsnet would have been much help after reading replies on some threats where partners have done certain things and op just gets straight up "LTB"s, or making OP feel stupid, judgement rather than support etc.
Glad I saw your post and could give some advice and just somewhere to write how you feel during this time.
Get into bed, stretch out and as daft as this sounds, try and enjoy the space to be yourself, so your mind isn't ruminating over what has gone on. I used to find listening to rain sounds, fire sounds, or videos of mindful meditation helpful after going through these types of incidents, headphone and YouTube are your friends if you feel you cannot sleep after these incidents.

Things will be better in the morning.

Goodnight op x x

not clean on PP *mumsnet may not have been helpful to me when I went through similar to you op.