Just called police about DH.

[onetwoone]

Can someone please talk to me.

I've name changed as I don't want this to follow me around on here.

I've been rowing with my DH about something that doesn't even matter much in the big scheme of things and I felt at the time he was aggressive and threatening and I called the police.

We have been together a number of years and I've never felt threatened before tonight.

Now I think I over reacted. But I'm not sure if I did it's all muddled in my mind what happened and I feel guilty and wrong but at the time I felt like I needed to call them because I did feel scared and I was scared.

I don't know what I want anyone to say to me I just want a hand hold I think.

He didn't hit me and I don't think he would of looking back but I was frightened of him at that point and I have never called the police before.

Ffs. I feel like shit.

Now I am worried they will report a safeguarding issue where there isn't one.

I've explained there is no and has never been any violence but what will happen now.

I'm frightened I've opened up a can of worms because I might have over reacted.

I have gone to bed.

I'm going to watch game of thrones till I fall asleep I think or till I have to get up for work.

It's nice to know I'm not mad. It's nice to know you have people to talk to and help you make sense of things.

I ordered that book I read about on here called the gift of fear. Just have to read it now. Ordered it about two months ago. Been sat on my coffee table.

I'm going to start it tomorrow. If tonight was an over reaction or not it won't do any harm to educate/reinforce what's in my mind already.

I feel like I have really over reacted now

I really doubt that this is true. If you were frightened enough for your safety to call the police, it was more than that. When you're shocked and traumatised, it's natural not to remember things very clearly.

As you were scared, you were absolutely right to call them. Please stop beating yourself up about it.

Goodnight op, i too am going to try to go to sleep. If you ever need to talk, im happy to be messaged (pretty new to mumsnet but im guessing that's a thing, lol)
But sounds like this is likely a one off and unlikely to escalate further from what you say about your DH, however, there was a first time I called the police too, but i hope there was also a last time.

As a final note, alot of the time for us, some form of alcohol had been consumed when these arguments came about too - even if not enough to be drunk - in extreme situations (such as what we are going through now in the middle of a pandemic, what what my DP was going through at the time) it can loosen what would normally be a more rational person into becoming quicker tempered and irrational. I find that if my DP drinks while he is stressed or upset, his mood can change quite quickly. This is something to be mindful of too.

Xx

This could be the start of the violence, my husband terrified me when I was 8 months pregnant, the previous 3 yrs he'd been great. Then all of a sudden, a row over who was paying for pizza delivery (he ordered it but expected me to pay). He chased me ip the stairs and in that moment I knew he would hurt me if he caught me. I slammed the bedroom door and he punched holes in it. That was the start, about once a month after that there was an incident where he would terrify me w ith his rage, it took 18 months to get put, he refused to leave , I never phoned the police because he mainly terrified me but didn't leave bruises or marks. I wish I had the police now. It might have made him see the seriousness of his behaviour.

OP,

Ii hope you slept & you are not still tormenting over whether you should have called or not. If you felt threatened/afraid in the moment then you were right to call. You said this row felt different for some reason. You went with instinct as it needed to end. And it did & most importantly, no one was hurt...except maybe OH's pride.

If you both had a part in the fueling of the row...then you both have apologies to make. If you felt physically at risk then you must tell him so . He may be shocked & wonder how you could think such a thing...but if you did then he should be abject in his apology & assurances that it will never happen again that things get any way out if hand to that extent again.

He knows at least that you will not allow fear in your home.

Best of luck OP...

I hope you had some sleep, you did absolutely the right thing in listening to your instincts op. Anyone suffering from this kind of behaviour, I'm not going to say ltb like it's easy but ltb because you need to protect your life. Posting in relationships may be better as you'll get more advice there.

Had a couple of hours. I must of fell asleep at about half three. Woke up just after half five.

I feel a bit detached to be honest.

Not sure what will happen today but we do need to talk to each other.

Yes, you do need to have a talk, but please don't go into that discussion with the mindset that you overreacted. Remember that your husband was aggressive and threatening to the point that you felt you had to call the police, and that is not something you need to apologise for.

Firstly do not worry unduly about the police .They will have assessed the situation and decided the best course of action .Dealt with .You must not feel you called them for no reason ,if you were scared you were scared .Sometimes things will fester and if left too long will blow up out of all proportion .Really have a long talk with your DH and try to get to the root of the problem if you can .Hopefully a one off if all well normally. Many women who call the police will not wish to press charges so its nothing new for them .Relax OP and try to chill if you can!

You think you over reacted?

What made you order the book "The Gift of Fear two months ago?

Were your instincts or subconscious warning you about behaviours that you've been turning a blind eye to?

Please dont see him face to face- he needs to stay away for at least 14 days now he's stayed somewhere anyway and that will give you some space to think about how (and if) your going to move forward.

OP, I know that you will be feeling very unsettled and anxious now for 'bothering' the police and 'getting your DH into trouble' but honestly, you did exactly the right thing.

He has to know that you have firm boundaries and that yes, couples argue, but frightening and intimidating you is not on.

Like so many people on here, I am the product of a horrible childhood and I do sometimes wonder how life would have gone if someone, anyone, had phoned the police. It might have been just the shock that my dad needed to teach him to keep a lid on his temper.

I really hope this will be just the jolt that your DH needs, but please - as others have said - don't ever feel guilty for having boundaries. You did absolutely the right thing.

Much love to you OP, I know you'll be feeling shaky today so I hope you have a gentle day x

@onetwoone

I don't even know what I am worried about. I think it's just because the police have been here and i don't know how to process it.

I know I am over reacting now with the worry about it all.

No. You are trying to process the fact that your dh scared you so much, that the police were your only option.

Just because it has never happened before, do not downplay what happened.

You did NOT over react. Your dh's behavior when he comes home will be a huge factor in this. If this really is a one off, lockdown driven incident, he will be mortified that he scared you into calling the police.

DO NOT let him tell you that you overreacted.
DO NOT let him gas light you.

Remember how scared he made you.

If you were frightened and intimidated, you did the right thing.

If you did it as part of an escalation of the argument to get back at H, then it was wrong.

It sounds as though you did the right thing. It's a safeguarding issue and the police will inform SS. They have no choice.

Concentrate on ending a relationship where you feel threatened. If it's worth saving, look at counselling for both of you.

OP- does your phone have a voice memo record option? Hopefully there wont be a next time but if it does happen again I would recommend discretely pressing record on your phone. Everyone has their phone near them usually so it wont arouse suspicion. Capturing the exact exchange will be helpful in future because 1. its evidence and 2. it will put your mind at rest that you weren't overreacting. Its normal you feel like this because youve had a massive influx of adrenalin last night and now its left your system you feel exhausted and that maybe you imagined it all.
You didnt. If you felt threatened at the time then trust that.
Having a record of it will help you reflect back on what actually happened and help you realise that you weren't overreacting and that at the time you were scared.

You will likely get a follow up call from ss they will ask if everyone ok and what situation is. Be honest.
You did right thing
Now you decide how to move forward if everyone talks and realises what went wrong
Or if is part of escalating pattern and needs action

@pinktaxi

If you were frightened and intimidated, you did the right thing.

If you did it as part of an escalation of the argument to get back at H, then it was wrong.

It sounds as though you did the right thing. It's a safeguarding issue and the police will inform SS. They have no choice.

Concentrate on ending a relationship where you feel threatened. If it's worth saving, look at counselling for both of you.

Disagree with this statement, after having dealings with the police on several occasions, I had many reassurances that SS were not going to be involved, this kind of blanket "SS will be involved" is the thing that makes women scared to call for help when needed. I know many times i didn't take action soon enough because I was scared it would become a SS issue and my DC would be on a vulnerable list, or taken away.

It will likely be called into the MASH team but won't necessarily be followed up at this point. There are a huge amount of steps that need to happen before children are removed from parents so that's just not a thing to worry about in the slightest.

I called the police on my exh once when he was drunk and shouting/throwing his weight around, he got over it.

I called the police on my ex for the same reasons. He was shouting/snarling in my face, spraying me with spit as he got right in my space. He was like a stranger. I didn't recognise him as he had this cold, dead look in his eyes.

It feels like an overreaction to have called the police but I still get flashbacks to how scared I was. I didn't take it any further with the police as I moved out a few weeks later. I was made aware of how abusive the relationship had become and how much crap I was putting up with.

It felt like he was purposely causing arguments and I was constantly having to placate him and on edge all the time.

He did similar stuff to his OW about a year later. He was arrested and charged. He managed to avoid prison. I'm not sure I fully believe her statement because she lied about their relationship but it was clear the aggression had escalated. A lot of what I experienced with him was the same.

I sometimes think he was being cold and calculating. He wanted our relationship over but didn't want to lose the house or be blamed for us splitting. I think he wanted me to move out and the OW to move in. I think when she didn't split from her partner then he lost it with her. He says now it was stress and he had a breakdown.

@Littlebyerockerboo In my nurse training and career and training for voluntary work I have sat through and completed endless child safeguard courses.

All services have a duty of care to report issues of domestic violence to social services. If they're not they are not following their training or are making decisions based on their own judgement, which they shouldn't be making. It's mandatory

@pinktaxi yes the police should automatically forward on information to social care. I wouldn’t have thought there would be much action on this referral alone though, unless there is other referrals of information.

Littlebyerockerboo is it really appropriate for you to be using the op's life to justify to yourself your decision to stay in an abusive relationship?

If you were really that comfortable with your decision to stay, why do you need to project your life onto someone else and convince them to follow your path as a means to get validation you made the "right" choice? Or to normalise the abuse you've been through?

All abusers have good qualities; every relationship with an abuser will have times that make you want to cling onto them. Of course the emotions involved are complex and the decisions difficult. Doesn't make the abuse acceptable or normal though.

Leaving isn't easy, almost nobody thinks it is, but encouraging a woman you don't know to stay in a relationship that could be abusive and trying to normalise the volatility of abuse is dangerous. Please think about what you're doing.

The SS will get an automatic referral which is highly unlikely to result in anything other than a letter to you suggesting local support services (it’s my field of work). All the best op and take care of yourself.

Sorry, yes I should have qualified and said there would be little likelihood of action being taken re SS. They will do welfare checks and reassure themselves the children are safe. Removing children is the very last thing they do in normal circumstances.