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Original poster

Confused?! Am I asking too much?

58 replies

Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 17:37

Hi

Newbie to the site and I’m hoping for a bit of advice from you all please?

Bit of background....

I have one son to a previous and my other half (together 17 months) has 3 children to a previous relationship.

He moved in with us approx 8 weeks now but every weekend and nearly every night he goes to see his kids.

Now I’m not saying he shouldn’t see his kids as I actively encourage this, the only issue I have is that it’s for full days both sat and sun, getting back usually after 8pm from leaving 10/11am.

He says I’m bring unreasonable as I get upset that we just don’t have any quality time together. And when my son is at his dads I feel incredibly lonely...

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Teacher12345 · 07/06/2020 17:40

It is a bit much yeah. Its great that he is so hands o but surely it would make more sense for him to just make formal custody arragements. Have you suggested this? That he has the kids 50% of the time?

Picalilliandcheese · 07/06/2020 17:41

Its early days. You need to think about what you want from this relationship. Some women would be happy with that. The important point is you aren't. You don’t have to just put up with a relationship that doesn't work for you. If he won’t listen to your needs or concerns, that will tell you all you need to know about your relationship and where it is going. Which is nowhere.

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 17:42

I just get shot down when I suggest anything...

We’re both having to work from home at the min due to the virus but we’re working so it’s not like it’s quality time together .

OP posts:

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Families
NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 17:46

What was the situation re. seeing his children before he moved in with you?

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 17:47

No unfortunately I’ve never met them

He met my son about 8 months ago.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 17:54

What was his situation with seeing them? Was he seeing them this much before you lived together or is it only since he moved in?

NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 17:55

Also, why have you never met them?! That seems like a pre moving in together step?

cleanseTone · 07/06/2020 17:55

Is he definitely separated from their mother?

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:01

He lived with her still until he moved in but they had separated and she knows about me

The kids didn’t know about the situation until he moved out.

It’s weird I know but thought it would get easier / accepted once he moved in.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 07/06/2020 18:05

So his DC didn't know you existed until he moved out of their home 8 weeks ago?

NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 18:06

This does not seem like a good situation OP. I'd run a mile tbh.

happyjack12 · 07/06/2020 18:08

so before he moved in, when did you get quality time with him?

How did he manage a relationship with you for 17 months without his children knowing?
Did your child meet him before he moved in?

Best to find out now if this is going to work....It won't if you both can't speak about it/ both aren't happy.
Really keep communicating with him, he needs to commit to you/your child too.
I imagine his children will be very upset at the moment and he will be feeling guilty?

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:09

They still don’t know... they hadn’t discussed the situation with them until he moved out

It’s not a great situation at all and he along with myself just kept saying ‘won’t be long’

He’s met all my fam so it’s all normal on my side..

OP posts:
Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:11

I got to see him a few nights a week then some of the weekend.

He is feeling guilty and that’s why he goes over. I understand the guilt as it’s got to be hard but I just feel so lonely because of it

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 07/06/2020 18:16

What's the point of him living with you?

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:18

I’m beginning to think the same.... 😔

OP posts:
Takingontheworld · 07/06/2020 18:19

This is very odd all round. Why is he hiding you OP?

Sounds like you're an office and a hotel and nothing more.

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:20

Although he says it’s the next step. Once the kids get used to him not being at the house at night they will understand that they’ve separated, and gives them time to adjust.

If not then it’ll look like I’m the reason they split

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 07/06/2020 18:21

He should get his own place.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 07/06/2020 18:21

I'd run a mile from this. Basically he was living with his 'ex' until 8 weeks ago - and now, having moved in with you, he spends every evening and all day Saturday, all day Sunday with his ex? Because they have kids who don't know their father is seeing another woman.

That's just weird. I'd chuck him back to her, to be honest.

2bazookas · 07/06/2020 18:22

I don't believe in invisible kids.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2020 18:23

He lived with her still until he moved in that's v odd. Did you meet the ex and did she know about you? Maybe they never actually split?

KeepingTwoChevronsApart · 07/06/2020 18:24

Are you sure the wife knows about you? She might think he's just having a bit of space awash from the family home

KeepingTwoChevronsApart · 07/06/2020 18:25

Away not awash !

Original poster
Polobear1 · 07/06/2020 18:25

Yeh we discussed about him getting his own place and renting for 6 months.

Then he can have the kids there rather than having to go back.

I trust that there’s nothing going on between him and his ex and I suppose the lockdown hasn’t helped make things easier

I’m just trying to understand how I can have a conversation with him about a balance of time without it feeling like I’m just a hotel for him...

OP posts:
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