How to help gender neutralise my DD4?

[Teacher12345]

DD is already picking up alot of gender stereotypes at age 4. She is obsessed with makeup (I do wear it but only week days and barely since lockdown). She picks toys, often because they have a girl on the box so she says things like "thats a toy for girls" and today, her brother and Dad were digging up the garden and she said that only the boys could do it. I corrected this (always do) and said that girls could do it too but that she isn't big enough to use the tools. She often plays with her brothers toy tools, lego, like super heroes etc.
We have never intentionally encouraged gender sterotypes but we do ourselves fit quite stereotypical roles.
How do I avoid steer her in a way that doesn't lead to a life that is men do DIY, women do cleaning and childcare? Are there any toys that encourage girls to do more typically male tasks? She loves pink stuff so maybe pink tools etc?
I will make it clear that I want to do this to show her that she entitled to an equal life and will pick a partner, career and life that is not chosen by societal expectations!

Perhaps you and your partner could model an alternative if, as you say, you are "stereotypical". Bring it into everyday life...men definitely do cleaning and shopping, women dig the garden and put up shelves. Just show her (And your sons) that contributing to family life doesn't have gender boundaries.

Why the hell would you buy pink tools if you want to gender neutralise your child? Straight away that sends a very stupid message that women can only use things that are specially designed for them and colour coded. Don't push this message onto your children.

@growinggreyer OP said her DD likes pink. That's why.

What about looking at Elise gravel's images together?
elisegravel.com/en/livres/free-printable-stuff/

FuzzyPuffling I was thinking of doing a DIY course so I could start doing bits round the house and DH does do the washing and cleaning the kitchen etc but I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning.
DH has said he will find a trowel for her to help with the garden.
@growinggreyer she wants pink things! At least if they were pink but tools or diggers, she might play with that rather than a pink doll.

Just but her toys that she likes you don't have to go down the pink alternative route just let her choose a lot of kids go through the for boys/ girls thing Just manage it better your husband and son could give her a "job" to do btw there is nothing wrong with her liking pink stuff but offer alternatives to her.

My cousin's DD loved baking when she was little and from there, she grew interested in chemistry so that could be a route to go down.
I think the language you use is most important. Be careful not to erase interests she genuinely has. As long as you're not enforcing stereotypes, I think it's ok if she likes pink and doing stereotypically girly things.

I will look at those images thanks.

Check out the mighty girl website for books etc you could read with her

Don't buy her pink garden tools.
Get into the garden yourself and start digging and planting and let her see that.

Children are sponges, absorbing information from the world around them, you've noticed yourself that she pigeonholes toys based on the picture on the box and she will now associate pink as being for girls.
You cant stop this as you cant control the messages that the world is sending her. What you can do is constantly reinforce the fact that she can like whichever toys she wants and whatever colours she wants and she can be whatever she wants. Keep that up for her entire childhood. Call out the stereotypes every single time.

Both my DDs liked girly things but I did my best to instil ambition in them both, and encouraged them to try new things and experiences at every opportunity. One went to the local girls club as a youngster and they both joined scouts when they were older. They are both now strong and well rounded individuals. One is a scientific researcher with a physics degree and the other is studying public services at college with aspirations of joining the police.

In summary let her and you son be their own person but challenge negative stereotypes and encourage ambition. But dont tie yourself in knots about the pink stuff.

Also make sure you can always show her examples of people who show the stereotypes are silly. Such as Charlie dymock for the gardening .

Are you overthinking this too much?

She plays with boys and girls toys, as she gets older just have her dad include her in the tasks he does and you include your son in your tasks.

My parents mostly fit gender stereotypes. They work well together, enjoy the tasks they do and it’s all good. Growing up my brother and I had to do the same chores, dishes, lawns, washing cars etc and my dad always told me that I should learn to be independent so he taught me to change a tyre, service my car etc.

Are there any toys that encourage girls to do more typically male tasks? She loves pink stuff so maybe pink tools etc?

Brilliant.

Let her be herself, give her good role models, encourage her to read widely and don't fall into the misogynistic arsewittery that says traditional female pursuits bad, male pursuits good.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Both my dd's were obsessed with pink stuff, girls toys and glitter and unicorns at 4. Well dd2 is still 4 but already coming out the other side and mixing it up a bit! She still sometimes says that something is a boys toy but dd7 tends to correct her now! This morning they are dressing up as princesses and putting makeup on, yesterday they were making mud pies in the mud kitchen, swinging from trees and helping their dad to fix one of their toys.

Just model it in everyday life. When she sees your dh cooking or cleaning or you changing a fuse or the oil in your car she'll see it as normal. When she heard your dh taking responsibility for tasks equally or you going to work she'll get the message.

Make a variety of toys available but don't take away all the 'girly' ones. Get her outside as much as possible, never worry about her clothes or shoes getting dirty (even if you wish she was wearing something else inside!) Try to be careful about commenting on her being pretty too often as well. I've noticed that people tend to compliment girls on their looks and boys on their physical traits such as being strong or brave or clever.

language and example. Never talk about appearance beyond clean and tidy. Ask those who meet her not to say 'you're pretty' 'that's a nice dress' and so on because that reinforces the idea that all that matters to females is appearance.

no 'what a handsome boy' either. And yes, she pulls her weight (age appropriate) in all things, no job is just for boys. There are jobs just for girls but she's better than that.

Get into the garden yourself and start digging and planting and let her see that.

Yes exactly. And she isn’t too young, you could have said “come on let’s go out and have a go at the garden too” and just let her have a turn with a trowel.

I think there’s a part of this where she’s trying to bond with you/ form her identity as being like you, so she’ll want to do the things you do. So you need to show her a range of behaviours.

I wonder why OP's DD thinks only boys can dig the garden.
I had a very girlie, pink obsessed DD who grew up to be very fierce & tough. Seriously, DD is possibly the scariest person I know.

She still wouldn't dig the garden... she'd summon some staff to do it, I suppose.

Gender neutralise? It sounds like a room spray. Given that you cannot operate outside of the culture you live in, then second best is to develop a critical mind in general while you model a life that is full and not restricted by stereotype and then she'll get there by herself.

Include your son in this discourse also

Gender neutralise? It sounds like a room spray.

^

If she likes make up and pink thing's don't try and change her. The while point is to let her be herself. Do call out the 'girls colour/ toy' comments though, and when she's older talk to her about advertising, stereotypes etc.

Thanks ladies. I do tell my daughter she is beautiful, but I say that to my son too! This is mainly because I had an eating disorder as a teen though and want to instill as much body confidence as possible.
I am pretty good at making sure my son does equal things such as cooking and cleaning but I think that is because I initiate these things. The stuff DH does, he prefers to do without the kids help so they aren't exposed to it as much.

My daughter was encouraged to do whatever was happening as a child. She's just changed 2 wheels over on my car, and will drive a tractor too. In our house if a job needs doing, it needs doing.