How to help gender neutralise my DD4?

[Teacher12345]

DD is already picking up alot of gender stereotypes at age 4. She is obsessed with makeup (I do wear it but only week days and barely since lockdown). She picks toys, often because they have a girl on the box so she says things like "thats a toy for girls" and today, her brother and Dad were digging up the garden and she said that only the boys could do it. I corrected this (always do) and said that girls could do it too but that she isn't big enough to use the tools. She often plays with her brothers toy tools, lego, like super heroes etc.
We have never intentionally encouraged gender sterotypes but we do ourselves fit quite stereotypical roles.
How do I avoid steer her in a way that doesn't lead to a life that is men do DIY, women do cleaning and childcare? Are there any toys that encourage girls to do more typically male tasks? She loves pink stuff so maybe pink tools etc?
I will make it clear that I want to do this to show her that she entitled to an equal life and will pick a partner, career and life that is not chosen by societal expectations!

Model it. So you and your DD could do some DIY/gardening. And Dad, DS cook dinner. Then swap, so you and DS cook etc. Switch it up, keep it equal and that's what she will learn.

Dad and her brother are digging the garden while mum is minding the young daughter.

You need to show not tell. You are a woman and she will copy your lead.

That doesn't mean get her a trowel to play dig with dad, firstly because she is too small, secondly because that is showing her she can pretend to be just like a boy rather than girls can dig just as well.

It means you take turns at digging the garden with your son while your dh minds his daughter, or even better helps him make you and son lunch or hang out the washing etc.

Honestly I think role-modelling is the most important thing you can do.

I was born mid-70s to older parents, so possibly more likely to have gender stereotypical views however my dad was always 'hands on' from doing night feeds, to looking after me as a baby in the afternoons and weekends when he was home from work. He didn't do a huge amount of housework but he chipped in and loved cooking although Mum didn't allow it often because of the smell and mess (his specialities were fry-ups, kippers and curry!)

My mum lost her dad in her early teens by which time her brothers had left home, so she took on the role of man of the house. She 81 now and it's only in the last couple of years she'd stopped doing her own DIY and car maintenance.

Do your DIY course, get out in the garden, and talk to your husband about making time to go things with your DD while you cook with your boys.

I just feel a bit bla about all these posts. Children will find their own way.

I was a “tom boy”, wore football strips, short hair and cut the hair of my dolls short. My parents would let me choose my clothes and choose my toys.

This was in the80s and no one batted an eyelid and certainly no one asked if I wanted to be gender neutral or transition.

We were just allowed to “be”. I genuinely think it was a better time for kids.

Don’t force it. Let them be

4 is an age where they are very aware of these gender stereotypes, almost as a way of reassuring themselves. I would go with the flow on her choice of toys, clothing etc, whilst showing her that boys and girls can do exactly the same activities.
I had a mother who tried to make my toys and clothing nearly all gender neutral. (No pink, but blue was ok for some reason) It was awful. Get her some small garden tools- it’s a great activity for children.

Don’t force anything or she’ll rebel. Gently model the behaviour you want to see. Also all little girls go through this faze, she’ll be a different person in a few years.

Try making sure she is exposed to diverse media and sees women doing all sorts of things.

If she says "only boys can do that" make sure to correct her and talk about women who do the thing she cant do. You could look up kid friendly videos of women gardening, making things, being firefighters etc.

I dont think it's an issue if she likes pink and makeup as long as she doesn't just think those are the things she is "supposed" to like.

Girls grow out of liking pink!

I would ask yourself why yours son has garden tools and lego but not your daughter?

I wouldn't actively encourage/discourage her to play with specific toys. If you genuinely believe yourself that the genders are equal and it's anybody's choice in life what they do/don't do then that should come across in the way you parent her.

Start by questioning your own beliefs. Be a good role model.

If she does say something which you believe is wrong then you would automatically challenge that.

Also, it's not just your dd that needs to see she is equal, it's your son!

I have 4 kids ages 22 down to 11. They can all paint, wall paper, lay laminate floor, put up shelves etc. My youngest needs help but at almost 12 she is a big strong girl that walk papered half of her own room and assembled her own flat pack drawers. My eldest recently got her first flat and spent the first week decorating throughout and showing her boy friend how to do it all. I'm very proud of her

I was taught by my dad, if I needed a shelf putting up he would buy me the tools, show me how to do one bracket, supervise me doing the second and that was it. On my own after that. He may have offered advice about the right drill bits and wall plugs but the work was down to me. I was 7 when he taught me to wire a plug and i had a soldering iron when I was 8. I used it to make wire tiaras and he loved them! For my 18th he got me a pink set of electric tools as a tongue in check gift as he found them hilarious and they were reduced in jtf.

The best gift my dad has ever given me is teaching me to be independent. I can plumb in a washing machine, fit shelves and repair plaster work quicker than your average man can button his boiler suit and stroke his tool belt.

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow I don't want her to be gender neutral I just want to grow up less biased so that she doesn't pen herself into a corner where she is overlooked as a women because she has the perception that she cannot do some tasks and is expected to do others.

Why didn't her dad take her into the garden to help with the digging? Even if she wasn't physically big and strong enough, he could have found her a similar gardening task.

By not doing so, he was directly responsible for her thinking that it is something that girls don't do.

@FreakStar my son does not have garden tools, he is big enough to use an adult size spade. My DD is 4 so not big enough to use them.

@grassyhillocks he isn't just gardening he is literally digging the whole garden up. The only reason she wasn't involved was because she physically cannot lift the tools required to do the job.

I have 3dds. Youngest 2 are twins, one is suddenly at age 3 into all things pink and sparkly and wants to be a princess or a unicorn. The other wants to be a dinosaur, loves bugs and snails and couldn't give a shit what she's wearing. Have no intention of trying to shape either of their personalities tbh. Just let them be and like what they want, even if that is pink and " girly"

I agree with others that you need to start showing her that women can do anything. If you and your DH have fallen into stereotypical gender roles, then you both need to think about how you can change that - and not just for show!

If it’s any consolation my DS loved the colour pink and was obsessed with make-up at that age. I don’t wear make-up, neither does his father. But I don’t see either of those things as only for women.

I had an eating disorder too and I can relate to the anxiety about this that I think you seem to be feeling.

Firstly, give yourself a break, she is 4, she will change so much in the coming few years. I agree, modelling behaviour you want her to understand is best. I’m a single parent so doing stuff around the house and garden-I don’t really have a choice, I have to do it and my dc see that. That is the absolute best way to show her women can do anything the same as men.

My dd is 10 and I have also never once referred to her weight or her body in a negative way (and I hope I never will), plus I have always made it clear that both dc (I have an older son) can do anything if they apply themselves.

I don’t really do much more than that, but I do like the Mighty Girl website as mentioned above, and my dd likes the Rebel Girl books, they’ve sparked a lot of discussions about women and the things they can do and have done.

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing thats great! I was not taught to do those things but DH was, which is how in our house we ended up with him doing the DIY and me not doing it. Other than flatpack which pretty muc alnyone can do! I am going to teach myself some stuff though so I can model it.

We have never intentionally encouraged gender sterotypes but we do ourselves fit quite stereotypical roles

I think this is a bigger part of the problem than what is going on in school. By adhering to 'tradtional' gender roles you have very much encouraged this.

My dd is the same. My strategy has been to allow a certain amount of girly pink crap but always discuss the actual implications of it. I encourage her to always think of jobs that princesses have, like engineer, hairdresser or sports person. I get her to challenge gendered messages in books and think of alternate endings for Disney movies (belle decides she'd rather run a library and tells the beast to go on an anger management course). I buy a lot of princess smartpants and other type of books that feed the need for 'princess' in a better way.

But you said her brother had toy tools?

Anyway, I don't see why she can't lift a small spade at age 4- don't you have a trowel or a hand fork? Don't you have plastic spades from a sandpit she could have used to help? Doesn't you husband let her help him with the big spade- stamping her feet on it to push it into the ground? Do it together? When a child wants to help it's a great opportunity- never say no unless it's really really dangerous for some reason- find a way.

I think you're making too big a deal of this. Lots of girls at 2-4 are into dressing up as princesses, sparkly horses etc, but they mostly grow out of it. My DD was into princess stuff at 3, but was out of it by year 1 (as were the majority of girls in the class).

My PIL bought my toddler sons a tool bench. They always used it to play "restaurants" so we bought them a toy kitchen. Just let them play with what they want.

When your daughter says something is for girls or boys just say that it's for both boys and girls and the colour doesn't mean anything. My son (aged about 3) said "mummies don't go to work". I'm an SAHM and we went to toddler groups with other SAHMs so that was his experience. I just told him that lots of mothers go to work, but I don't. He's not some raging sexist now at 17.

"I wonder why OP's DD thinks only boys can dig the garden."

Because Op wasn't doing it & has effectively told her daughter that she can't?

DH says he will find her a trowel

Can't you find her a trowel?

Encourage an understanding that both sexes can do and be whatever they want, but beyond that I'd say be natural and don't overthink this. She's 4.

Your daughter is happy and healthy, you don't need to do anything. Children change all the time, today she might be into girly things and pink, next month she may be into the complete opposite. All you need to do is support her and let her know that she can like anything she wants. Being a girly girl is not wrong.