Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

People who 'forget' to reply to your messages

61 replies

Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 14:23

I get that some people are just not great at replying to messages. I have friends who are like this and I mostly just accept that as part of their personality and not directed at me (although it does irritate me!). But one of my best friends increasingly is 'forgetting' to reply to my messages and I can't help but feel like I'm not a priority because she regularly messages on groups that we are both a part of, which makes me question whether it actually is personal. If it'd happened once or twice, I'd probably just think it was a simple oversight but it's happened over and over again, and I think that you have time to message on group chats you surely have time to respond to other messages? It's not complicated stuff that I've sent her either, it's just general chitchat of the 'how are you' variety. I get that it's not the most urgent message either and I don't expect a reply straight away, but I do think that if you have time to have endless chitchat on groups then the issue is not how busy you are, but who you're choosing to prioritise.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2020 14:27

It's the general chitchat messages that irritate me the most. I don't reply to every one because it just encourages the message sender to send more. I'm WhatsApped and text messaged out tbh.

WhatAWonderfulDay · 04/06/2020 14:29

The group ones have a million unread messages in them in a fraction of a second... so come up higher on whatsapp and the notifications. So they get looked at if there's a tiny bit of free time.

Lucygucy · 04/06/2020 14:30

I am less likely to respond to how are you messages. Simply because I tend to think the answer wanted is 'fine' or variants of. I am far from fine, it's too hard to write it all down and a lot of people don't want to hear it but I'm sick of pretending I'm ok too. Perhaps the friend has something going on?

Alb1 · 04/06/2020 14:32

I find these chit chat conversations pretty hard at the minute, we are in a lockdown so can’t do much, can’t plan much for the future either, every day is the same really, so basic chit chat is harder as there’s nothing to say!

Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 14:35

Yeah I totally get that message fatigue, I feel that too. I often switch off from messages, but I don't reply to some and not others. If anything I prioritise responding to people who have sent me specific messages. Group messages aren't directed at anyone in particular and therefore don't require a response.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2020 14:35

It's not complicated stuff that I've sent her either, it's just general chitchat of the 'how are you' variety.

Those are the worst, sorry. Especially at the minute.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2020 14:38

Group messages aren't directed at anyone in particular and therefore don't require a response.
I agree, which makes personal messages to a specific person all the more intrusive ATM. Life's a bit like groundhog Day at the moment, therefore there isn't much to report.

RubieRose · 04/06/2020 14:40

I have to be in mood for a "How are you??" type message.

I don't really have much to say atm and I assume the sender is just bored, rather than interested in how I am. (Or more likely wants me to return the question so they can talk about themselves!) Just because you send a text message, doesn't entitle you to an immediate reply.

Time2change2 · 04/06/2020 14:42

The thing is though if you haven’t seen friends for all these weeks and still want to stay connected to them what other sentence opener is there? I would usually say (in normal times) hey I miss you, want to meet for a coffee etc but it mostly has to be all impersonal interaction now. It’s very difficult.

Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 14:42

I don't feel it's very polite to just ignore messages for days and reply only when you feel in the mood for it. It feels as though the one person then holds the power and the other person just has to wait around until they feel like responding. This friend is online constantly and messaging on other groups so it's clearly not that she's too busy to reply!

OP posts:
Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 04/06/2020 14:45

I'm pretty bad for it and actually I'm really bad for forgetting that I was even having a text discussion with someone. I don't even notice if they don't text me back for days on end.

Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 14:46

I don't see how a message asking how someone is would be viewed as intrusive though? Isn't that what close friends do, check in on each other? As I said I don't expect an immediate response but if someone has the time and energy to send messages on groups then they could surely spare a second to respond to a personal message. Also, 'how are you' is just a general opener to most conversations I would think, it doesn't mean people need to actually respond with a detailed account of how they are if they can't be bothered!

OP posts:
cosmo30 · 04/06/2020 14:48

I've got a friend that does this, I don't take it personally, I probably just bore her HmmGrin

mistermagpie · 04/06/2020 14:52

It's not intrusive but sometimes I can't be arsed with a whole detailed 'how are you' chat. I will fire a couple of words or a gif or something at a group chat though, because frankly it requires less effort on my part.

Lemonpink88 · 04/06/2020 14:53

Can you ask your friend this?

AmericanAdventure · 04/06/2020 14:54

Maybe she's not fine. Maybe she doesn't want to write that down. Maybe she is only able to do surface level group chat or posting on Facebook.

If you're worried about her, call her. If you're worried about you, just leave it.

DelurkingAJ · 04/06/2020 14:56

I do reply normally but, frankly, things have been manic here since lockdown until this week (both working FT from home with DCs which has meant working until 10pm most nights). It doesn’t mean I might not post a random reply that occurs to me whilst the kettle is boiling but there’s been so much on my plate that I’ve only prioritised people I’ve been worried about (e.g. living alone). Other friends have been furloughed and bored so wanted to chat. But if they’ve got company I’ve not had much headspace for them.

DKanin · 04/06/2020 14:57

I agree with you op. I had a friend who took days to reply to messages and she'd read something I'd sent eg asking for confirmation so I could pay for tickets for something whilst they're still available and not reply for days (or pick up the phone), if I sent her a picture or a link to something I thought she'd be interested in she'd read and not reply as though it wasn't worthy of acknowledgment. The final straw was when she took a week to reply to a message saying my grandma had died. I stopped talking to her after that

Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 15:00

@Lemonpink88 I've thought about asking her but I don't want to sound petulant/needy to say that I've noticed that she replies to other people and not to me.

Not to dripfeed, but I have felt like she contacts me when it suits her for some time now, well before lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 15:04

I feel like on MN you can't win, if you call people out of the blue it's viewed as intrusive and annoying but then people don't want messages either? Confused If everyone just replied to messages when they felt in the mood to do it, how would friendships be sustained?

OP posts:
phoebesphalange · 04/06/2020 15:07

@Nothappyjan almost identical situation for me, considered starting a thread about it too.

Supposed best friend (35 year friendship) takes 3 days to reply to a text, I will send one back within an hour or so, and she will not reply again for 3 days! Therefore impossible to have any kind of conversation. Meanwhile I can see her all over Facebook updating things and having convos on there with other people.

She also doesn’t take part in any of the group chats we are in together.

I find it incredibly rude. The two time’s in lockdown we’ve had a phonecall I’ve found it hard to talk to her as I am so pissed off about the other time’s she isn’t engaging with me.

She keeps repeating how busy she is, implying more busy than anyone else but that’s simply not the case. She has two kids and a job, well so do I! If a friend texts me, I text them back that day, but usually within minutes or an hour or so.

roarfeckingroar · 04/06/2020 15:07

General hi / how are you messages irritate me.

Lemonpink88 · 04/06/2020 15:10

Op if she as a good friend as you hope then you should say something. I guess that way from her reaction you can gage her feelings towards you. Don’t over complicate things overthinking about it would be my advise to you, just ask her & explain how you feel as you obviously like her as want to chat. It sounds like it’s hurt your feelings.

TheOrigBrave · 04/06/2020 15:14
  • How are you message from close friends deserve an honest and proper reply = emotionally time consuming or more likely are put on back burner for later when you can focus more. Then it gets to midnight.
  • Mums pissing about on class whatsapp joking about how long their kids' hair has got can be responded to really quickly and can lighten the day.

They are not the same sort of message and don't require the same sort of time or mental input.

What I tend to do with messages I either haven't got the time to respond to properly is drop a quite note to say thanks and that I'll reply properly soon.

Either way, good friends don't get arsey about these things.

Pinkblueberry · 04/06/2020 15:19

I’m not keen on general ‘how are you’ messages either although I do always reply to be polite. I’m not a fan texting full stop though - if I’m doing stuff around the house, playing with my kids, talking to my DH or just watching a film I find it quite annoying to stop and text for small talk.