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Original poster

People who 'forget' to reply to your messages

61 replies

Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 14:23

I get that some people are just not great at replying to messages. I have friends who are like this and I mostly just accept that as part of their personality and not directed at me (although it does irritate me!). But one of my best friends increasingly is 'forgetting' to reply to my messages and I can't help but feel like I'm not a priority because she regularly messages on groups that we are both a part of, which makes me question whether it actually is personal. If it'd happened once or twice, I'd probably just think it was a simple oversight but it's happened over and over again, and I think that you have time to message on group chats you surely have time to respond to other messages? It's not complicated stuff that I've sent her either, it's just general chitchat of the 'how are you' variety. I get that it's not the most urgent message either and I don't expect a reply straight away, but I do think that if you have time to have endless chitchat on groups then the issue is not how busy you are, but who you're choosing to prioritise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 15:25

That's really sad @DKanin.

@phoebesphalange That sounds very similar to my situation. I've had times in my life where I've been super busy/had things going on and didn't feel like talking to people, but I didn't then spend hours talking about random stuff on chat groups or posting on social media. It does make you feel like you're just not a priority then and your time isn't valued as much.

@Lemonpink88 It definitely has hurt my feelings, because I would always prioritise talking to her over other things and respond to her quickly, because I genuinely enjoy talking to her and value her as a close friend. I think it's the lack of reciprocity which makes me sad, but I guess it's my choice about how I prioritise her just as she can choose how to prioritise me. Maybe she just doesn't find me very interesting.

OP posts:
walkingchuckydoll · 04/06/2020 15:34

I respond to questions. If you're not asking anything then I don't need to send a message back. I might choose to, but I don't feel obligated to.

phoebesphalange · 04/06/2020 17:07

Maybe it’s less about if messages irritate you in general and more to do with their previous behaviour in regard to messages.

So I know which friends respond best to phone calls or prefer WhatsApp to text etc.

But if a friend who you have previously corresponded with a certain way changes their behaviour, it’s either rudeness or there’s a problem.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 04/06/2020 17:19

I have different styles of message friendships. Some of my friends I send a message and they will reply a week later, others will reply immediately. I'm not annoyed with the friends who reply after a week, because that is simply the way they are comfortable carrying out a friendship. We still chat and keep in touch. And I certainly don't get upset if they participate in other activities such as social media or group chats before replying to me. It's not rude, it's just their pace of life.

Aprilbaby2020 · 04/06/2020 17:58

I am someone who reads a message and replies later because I can’t concentrate on saying anything of much substance with my DD around and also I try to limit my screen time so she doesn’t see me always on my phone! I struggle with small talk if I’m honest it’s one thing that bothers me in society now you have to constantly talk to people on messenger and reply instantly otherwise you’re seen as rude when actually a lot of people want space. I think if you’re secure in your friendships you’ll know that when you see each other you’ll have a good catch up - I think I may be in the minority though as everyone I know seems to message constantly in group chats etc and I am quite introverted generally so I may be the weird one

Time2change2 · 04/06/2020 18:04

For those that say general hi how are you messages annoy you- are you for real? I would love to get some of these! I rarely get any friends asking how I am- it’s often me doing all the asking otherwise I hardly hear from anybody! Be thankful that someone is thinking of you and asking how you are!

Wearywithteens · 04/06/2020 18:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 18:31

I must admit I'm a bit puzzled by some of the responses on here as I thought checking in and seeing how close friends are is a nice thing to do? I'm not asking because I'm bored or to make conversation, I'm genuinely interested in what's happening with them. I'm always pleased if someone takes the time to reach out and see how I'm doing. It seems though that not everyone feels that way and it is an annoyance to some.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappyjan · 04/06/2020 18:39

@SecondStarFromTheRight I also have friends where our communication style is to leave longer intervals between messages, and I'm totally fine with that. But not sure what you mean by 'pace of life'? I don't think my friend is much busier than I am and she has time to message on groups so she'd definitely have time to send a couple of words to a question I've asked her.

OP posts:
Elieza · 04/06/2020 18:53

Totally agree with you OP.

All I can suggest is that you are not a priority in her life. Text her less. See if she notices. Or indeed stop texting and see if she gets in touch with you.
Perhaps she’s into your friendship but not into texts? (Clutches at straws.....!)

TeddyIsaHe · 04/06/2020 19:05

I have ADHD and if I’m distracted (happens every second of every day) I’ll forget to reply. And then I leave it too long and then don’t feel comfortable replying then!

This thread has actually reminded me I need to reply to 3 people Blush

NannyPear · 04/06/2020 19:21

Ooh I'm not good at texting back to general chitchat. I assumd people who do that are just a bit bored so aren't too bothered about me messaging. Also with the young kids I can't message back right away and it slips my mind until too late at night. It's probably nothing personal and your friend wouldn't mind if someone didn't message her back for days so probably doesn't realise how it's upsetting you. Maybe you need to be a bit more obvious in your messages that you are properly checking in?

Basilandparsleyandmint · 04/06/2020 19:21

Totally agree with you OP and those that think ‘ hi, how are you messages ? ‘ are time consuming and annoying well quite frankly you sound like delightful friends !
I agree a message like that may not be answered straight away but within 24 hours of course people have the time.

ballsdeep · 04/06/2020 19:31

My friend does this and it drives me crazy. It's just rude. Its apparently a running joke Hmm where she thinks its funny. It's not

Bonzabaybee · 04/06/2020 19:31

I can be bad a replying and often it’s the people who matter most I’m worst with. Because I want to sit down and write a proper message when it’s someone I care about. I also get stressed and overwhelmed at keeping a load of text conversations going, thinking how to respond, etc.

I find sending a meme or something is good. It opens the floor if they fancy chatting and shows you’re thinking of them. But there’s no pressure and I won’t feel bad if they leave me hanging for a reply.

AIMD · 04/06/2020 19:39

Either....
A)your friend just forgets to reply when she intends to go back to a message ( I often open a message and then intend to go back to it but forget).

Or

B) she’s not that interested in maintains a relationship with you anymore.

Should become aparent which it is over time. I have friends that take time to reply and I know it’s nothing personal just the way they manage messages....I have 2 other friends that have reduced contact with me in a way I can only assume means they don’t want to be friends anymore (no way to not make that sound childish).

How is your relationship aside from the messages. .

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 19:47

@nothappyjan, maybe text something different. Ask what she thinks about something? Or say something interesting eg. Just baked this, want one - I'll send it in the post? Or just watched a film/programme you might like, (insert film name), or just post on the group. I dunno, just something she can reply to with a smiley face. Don't just ask "how are you?" Some people struggle with general chit chat at present.

SisterAgatha · 04/06/2020 19:50

Oh lord I had group chats and the politics that come with it. Often I can’t be arsed to reply to anyone because I don’t want the next hour of to and fro, but I will update my social media because it’s click and done.

It’s such hard work all this. People take everything so seriously. If someone hasn’t replied to me I don’t even remember myself till 3 days later, I don’t assume they hate me.

Alyssum34456 · 04/06/2020 19:51

In my friendship group it's quite normal to read a message and have quite a few things in there, then take a few days to get back. Do you think your friend has lots of people to message and things going on? How quick does the reply have to be?

Winter2020 · 04/06/2020 20:10

At the moment I imagine that there are quite a few people who have nothing to give emotionally and anything seen as demanding will then be backed off from.

I recently found out a good friend of mine has had some bad news. I do care and asked her to let me know when she could talk. She said she couldn’t cope with talking about it at the moment. I haven’t chased her up on it. I have a family, a nightshift job where i have been doing loads of extra hours and the worries that we have all been going through at the moment. I have very little left for friends at the moment. I am hoping that my friendships are in the deep freeze and can be salvaged after this time passes but if some are lost then so be it. Sometimes not being able to reply is the emotional burden/obligation rather than the actual time I think.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 05/06/2020 06:42

I think you need to make interesting conversation. Maybe ask an actual question about whats going on with her. Or make a point that invites conversation.

When I get sent bland 'how are you' messages, people get an equally bland 'fine thanks' as a responce, and there the conversation ends. So your friend just doesnt reply because theres nothing really to say.

If its hurting your feelings id stop messaging. FYI - ive been in your shoes and have found all this out the hard way.

ghostmous3 · 05/06/2020 08:58

I didnt reply to someone for 2 days at the start of lockdown and she blocked me on fb and messenger Hmm

It was the first time I'd forgot to reply but at the start of lockdown I was a mess, work was hell for me and my colleagues at the time and then I was Ill.
2days later I went to respond to her message with the intent of having a bloody good chat as weve known each other years and boom shed gone.

She did once tell me that she judges people harshly for not replying immediately to her messages..no excuse she said even if we were working or had commitments..she doesn't work, neither does she have kids.

Ah well her loss.

SparticusCaticus · 05/06/2020 09:39

NothappyJan

I Think You've missed the point that many MNers are making.

If your friend isn't fine and can't face a deep chat, she might not feel she can bluff with you as you're a good friend who will see through, whereas the others aren't. So maybe she's putting that off. Or maybe she doesn't want a deep chat.
Either way, it's not always good to talk sometimes people just want to keep
things to themselves for a while.

Replying to group chats and going on fb is easy, no emotional cost, little thought in that and it's distracting. It can also cheer your mood better than a well meaning friend tilting their head "how are you?"

OP it's not about "winning" on MN, you asked AIBU?

Perhaps you aren't, perhaps she finds you boring and is phasing you out a bit..,

Perhaps it's what I said above

Only you know your friendship closeness and whether she's someone who is generally rude,

SparticusCaticus · 05/06/2020 09:47

I'd go with YABU though

I sometimes dont reply to my friends 'how are you?' texts for days or even a week on occasion. And they do same.

Because We each other understand that those 3 little words can be emotionally charged and that each might want to respond when ready. If it was a good friend I wouldn't want to lie or pretend and if I said anything even brief that not everything was well, they'd ask more, at a time I might not want to think about it.

It's easy to ping back "yeah cheers grand and you?" when everything's good.

Rebelwithallthecause · 05/06/2020 09:49

When I’m in a bad place or struggling I tend to avoid direct messages and phone calls

I just want to be left alone