People who 'forget' to reply to your messages

[Nothappyjan]

I get that some people are just not great at replying to messages. I have friends who are like this and I mostly just accept that as part of their personality and not directed at me (although it does irritate me!). But one of my best friends increasingly is 'forgetting' to reply to my messages and I can't help but feel like I'm not a priority because she regularly messages on groups that we are both a part of, which makes me question whether it actually is personal. If it'd happened once or twice, I'd probably just think it was a simple oversight but it's happened over and over again, and I think that you have time to message on group chats you surely have time to respond to other messages? It's not complicated stuff that I've sent her either, it's just general chitchat of the 'how are you' variety. I get that it's not the most urgent message either and I don't expect a reply straight away, but I do think that if you have time to have endless chitchat on groups then the issue is not how busy you are, but who you're choosing to prioritise.

I wasn't asking if I was being unreasonable, specifically didn't post there

I have no reason to believe that she's going through a hard time (she has no DC and is in a good financial position, is in a happy relationship and has been WFH), and as I've said a few times this pattern predated lockdown. I think though that I may be appearing a bit boring and dull though, and as some have said maybe people find it a chore to answer a 'how are you' message. I think it's just that I was hurt that I enjoy our conversations and don't find it a chore to respond to her, and for whatever reason she doesn't feel the same about me.

It's the general chitchat messages that irritate me the most. I don't reply to every one because it just encourages the message sender to send more. I'm WhatsApped and text messaged out tbh.

Absolutely this. And I think the people, including the OP, piping up in an aggrieved way about how 'checking in with friends is a NICE thing to do!' are ignoring the fact that not all of us think so.

I am absolutely wrung out at the moment by a FT job, homeschooling a lively small child who hasn't seen another child close to since schools closed in mid-March, househunting, looking out for my locked-down parents, etc etc. I'm continually on the phone and on Zoom/Teams calls. DH is massively stressed as he's looking at having to lay people off as his huge company relies on mass gatherings for revenue. He's on calls ten or twelve hours a day.

I'm fine, and coping, but I literally don't have the energy for replying to 'how are you?' messages from friends. I expect them to recognise that, at the moment, I simply don't feel like engaging. It doesn't mean I value them any less, I just don't have it now. A good friend will recognise that and take a step back, as I've done for other friends in the past, and we've resumed again unproblematically, after months or years.

Huffing because a friend doesn't reply to your messages and deciding to downgrade the friendship if they don't acknowledge you within your timeframe for acceptability is pretty juvenile.

Genuinely, OP, it doesn't mean that she considers YOU a chore, just that the messages are. Just cut her some slack. Friendship doesn't always involve being very involved in one another's lives. A step back can be a good thing.

The YABU was because you are getting into a judgy pissy mood as your feelings are hurt.

It took my Dsis weeks to tell us she suspected she something wrong with her health. She didn't reply to my "are you ok?" How's life? texts at all and was busy and had to go after little chat when I rang. I thought oh, she's having fun with her friends and colleagues as that's what I could see in her fb. She later told me it was awful feeling she was lying to her best sis (I'm her only sis!), but she wasn't ready.

She died later that year, we found out - when she was ready - that she was waiting for cancer test results.

She'd gradually stopped replying quickly. Not once did I think her rude for it and I'm glad I don't make things about me.
There's plenty of reasons, to not want to talk or reply until you're ready.

I am guilty of getting a message, reading it, wanting to construct a decent response, am too busy to do it justice at that point, forget about it, return to it in a few days, feel like shit, apologise for forgetting to respond.

I'd probably be better to half arse a response when I get it.

I "forget " to answer messages but in reality I just cant be arsed to answer as I get bombarded daily by different people

@SparticusCaticus very sorry to hear about your sister.

I completely accept that she may appear fine but there could be things going on I don't know about. I am probably taking this too personally, but I do strongly suspect that I am a bit boring to her and maybe she doesn't consider me as close a friend as I consider her to be. When she does reply to me it's quite perfunctory, but in the group messages she's very animated and makes all sorts of contributions, funny and serious.

I suppose it depends "where you are at" in terms of lockdown as to whether a "how are you?" message is welcome or not.

On the one hand, yes of course it's nice to be asked after and it's definitely rude not to acknowledge or reply.

On the other hand, if you are stressed, overwhelmed, peopled out, but don't want to admit it (because after all your circs are so much better than many have to endure) then you may not want to effectively lie and say "I'm fine" but don't know quite what to say in rep!y either. In those circs I suppose it's best to say something along the lines of "so so thanks, how about you?" But without actually following up with a proper conversation afterwards, that exchange is pretty meaningless tbh.

Many people I suspect are coping with lockdown by ignoring and pushing aside how they are really feeling and just getting on with things and pushing anxieties to the back of their minds (I know I am trying to do this anyway) but without wishing to sound over-dramatic, a "how are you" text does make you confront the fact that actually you may be feeling a bit crap and anxious about your business, teens, elderly relations etc etc. Funnily enough, I've noticed a lot of my friends (who are normally very emotionally savvy) are sending funny memes and interesting links (which they wouldn't have done before) rather than "how are you" texts.

If you want to know how she is, why text? Pick up the phone and call her!

@Mothappyjan
but I do strongly suspect that I am a bit boring to her and maybe she doesn't consider me as close a friend as I consider her to be.

Then I suspect you may have your answer, she isn't such a good friend as you thought and your 'how are you?' texts aren't interesting to her. Perhaps she feels you can see she's fine in group chats and thinks these personal enquiries are unnecessary and might be more about you wanting to talk if she doesn't have time or energy for that.

You asked about being polite- there been a range of responses on here. So hopefully that has helped you feel less angry with her and more philosophical that you may have other better friends to focus on. There's so many things to get upset about, so I hope this one abates.

I agree with you OP. I think it's rude.

I have a 'high maintenance' best friend (Male, Gay). We've been close friends for 20 years. He's suffered with ongoing depression for his whole life. I've always been extremely supportive of him. Over the past few years though I've felt like all the support is mostly one way - me to him.
He tends not to like texting long messages and won't use WhatsApp. He prefers to phone. Fair enough, but over the last few years he's been increasingly using me for career advice and daily support (we are both freelancers working on our own in the same industry). It's really tiring sometimes.
I have a 2 teenagers, DH and dog as well as work. Plus a very active volunteer role. He often rings at terrible times, like while I'm cooking etc. However he never remembers this.

Sorry for the ramble, to the point - when lockdown happened I rang him to check he was ok. He said he was fine as he was actually at another friends house in different city. This friend has a large house with a self contained luxury flat on her property so he said he'd stay there. Great I thought. Then I heard nothing from him. On his birthday I texted him loads of messages and got no reply. I rang 3 times but it wasn't answered. Fine. I tried. On my birthday I had nothing from him.

A few days ago I had a text from him saying how low he was. How life was fine for me because I have a family. Ffs. I've actually been really unwell myself during this lockdown.

It's got to a point now that I'm quite enjoying this space away from him. I feel awful about that. I'm assessing the level of friendship right now.

I also have a fiend who texts me "how are you?" occasionally. I'll write a decent reply but not super long. She only messages back a few days later and then it will be a thumbs up or a smiley face. Wtf? Why bother asking??

I think I'm quite snappy with messaging and lockdown! 😂